My Two Cents

Financial-advice columnist Charlotte Cowles answers readers’ personal questions about personal finance.

Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photos: Getty Images

So you’re planning a wedding? Congratulations! No pressure, but you’ll be the center of attention for one major day — or more likely, a whole weekend — and you want it to reflect the very best of your taste, identity, and undying love for your soon-to-be spouse with appropriate nods to your respective families and friends. To raise the stakes further, you’re probably blowing more money on this than you’ve ever spent on anything. Godspeed.

But please, for the love of all things holy and matrimonial,do notpass these expenses along to your wedding party. If I have tohear one more story about a bridesmaid indebting herself for a multiday bachelorette party in Majorca that no one can afford, I will eat that wedding invitation myself. Yes, traditions are shifting, but it is never appropriate to impose costs on your loved ones in the name of loyalty. Here, a guide to what’s okay to ask other people to pay for, what is absolutely not, and how to go about it.

1.

Be clear about your budget from the get-go, including who’s contributing what.

Before you even start planning your wedding (and who’s in it), get on the same page with your soon-to-be spouse and your respective families about who’s covering costs and approximately what they will be. “Having an open conversation about money will set the tone for your wedding as well as your marriage,” says Allison Cullman, who leads brand marketing and strategy atZola. “Remember that your goal is to come to the table with respect and gratitude instead of expectation or entitlement.” (For more advice on discussing money with your partner, seehere.)

Try to treat money as a tool that offers you possibilities, not limitations, she adds. “That energy will trickle down to your wedding party, your guests, and anyone else who’s involved.”

If you’re not sure how to ask your parents or loved ones if they’re willing to,ahem, pony up for your nuptial vision, here’s some helpful phrasing, courtesy of Lizzie Post, the host of theAwesome Etiquette podcast and co-president at theEmily Post Institute: “You could say, ‘We’d love to talk with you about our wedding budget and see if there are any resources you’d like to contribute. If not, that’s totally fine. It will help us know where we can begin and what we can plan.’” Moreover, if theydo want to contribute but there arestrings attached, make sure you’re aware of those conditions before you accept.

You don’t want to assume anything, Post adds, or put price tags on participation. “Modern etiquette is about having a candid conversation, talking about the goals and dreams of the couple, and balancing that realistically with the resources that you have.”

2.

If it’s not too late, consider skipping the bridesmaid thing entirely.

“One trend that I’m seeing is not having wedding parties at all, and I think it’s great,” saysKaitlin Ford, a wedding planner based in California. The result is less drama, fewer cats to herd, and a lot of cost cutting for everyone. “When you have wedding parties of ten-plus people, couples are often spending at least $5,000 on just bridesmaids alone, for their flowers and photos and whatnot,” she says. “Instead, maybe have certain friends do a reading or make a speech, or just have a maid of honor and a best man.”

There are lots of other ways to enlist your friends to support you that don’t involve standing next to you at the altar in matching outfits. For what it’s worth, I didn’t have bridesmaids, but my friends still hung out with me while I got ready on my wedding day, and I had a (very low-key) bachelorette party. You can also assign specific tasks to your inner circle that don’t require paying anything, like keeping track of the wedding rings, corralling people for group photos, or making sure your loquacious aunt doesn’t corner you at your reception.

3.

If you really want to have a wedding party, know what is normal to ask for your friends to pay for and what is not.

“I recommend that brides pay for their bridesmaids’ dresses, shoes, hair, and makeup at the minimum, if they want their bridesmaids to wear a specific thing and look a certain way,” saysKia Marie, an event planner based in Chicago. “I think that’s reasonable and courteous, and it’s what I would do.”

Of course, plenty of bridesdon’t offer to pay for these things, but they should be clear about it — don’t beat around the bush. Marie recommends saying something like, “I would really love for you to be in my wedding. I did a little research, and here’s what I’m picturing for my bridal shower, my bachelorette party, and other wedding events. I think the total costs for the wedding party will be about this much for x, y, and z. Is that something you are willing to do? If not, what’s something you’re comfortable with? Our friendship is important to me, and I would never want to jeopardize it or make you feel obligated.”

Then, she adds, insist that your friend take time to consider. “I often see bridesmaids spend about $4,000 to $5,000 per wedding, and that’s not an amount that anyone should take lightly,” she says. A lot of people will say yes out of excitement, but they really need a minute to think it over and factor it into their finances, just as they would any other major expense.

Typically, bridesmaidsdo pay for the bachelorette party (at least their own transportation, housing, and expenses, if not the bride’s as well), plus a wedding gift for the couple and possibly a separate one for the bride. They’re usually on the hook for their own travel and accommodations for the wedding itself, too, although sometimes the couple will subsidize hotel rooms or an Airbnb if they want the wedding party to stay in a specific place, says Marie.

It’s highly unusual — and in most cases, downright rude — for bridesmaids to be tasked with paying for wedding-day stuff like their own flowers or photos, which are generally part of the couple’s larger wedding costs. As for whether bridesmaidsshould “pay their own way” for a bridal shower? That’s a no, unless they have explicitly volunteered to host.

4.

Stick to your budget where your wedding party is concerned.

This can be hard. Wedding costs are not straightforward, and a lot of couples have no idea how easy it is to overspend. (For context, the average wedding cost is about $30,000, higher than ever before, according toZola’s 2024 First Look Report.) You might have the best of intentions about paying for your bridesmaids’ wedding accommodations — only to realize that it’s a bigger squeeze than you anticipated.

Still, do everyone the courtesy of committing to the budget for your wedding party — and donotsurprise them with last-minute expenses. If that requires you to cut costs elsewhere, do it — it’s not your bridesmaids’ job to offset your bottom line. “Your wedding is an important day in your life. It isnotthe most important event in your friend’s life,” says Post. Let me repeat: If something doesn’t fit in your budget foryour own wedding, it’s definitely not in your bridesmaids’ budget either.

5.

If you do expect your wedding party to pay for something, give them leeway on how much it costs.

This isn’t an official rule, to my knowledge, but I believe that the more specific or difficult your request is, the more you are obligated to pay for at least part of it. For instance: If you want your bridesmaids to wear a particular dress in a particular color by a particular brand, with matching shoes, you should buy those things for them. Conversely, if you want them to wear a blue dress that’s somewhat knee-length, with black shoes, they can probably manage that themselves.

The same guideline applies to your guests, too. Are you planning a New Year’s Eve wedding in Japan? Consider subsidizing everyone’s accommodations when they get there. Or at the very least, make sure to get hotel blocks in multiple tiers of affordability, says Ford. “You need to offer a low-end, a mid-range, and a high-end hotel,” she says. “I think it’s common sense that if you want someone else to pay for something, they should have a choice in what they’re going to spend.”

6.

Make sure people know that they can decline.

Above all, be gracious if your friendscan’t do what you’ve asked. “I want bridesmaids to know that they can say no and brides not to take it personally,” says Marie. “It doesn’t mean that the bridesmaid is a horrible friend. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or that they won’t be there for you. It just means that right now, it’s not a good time financially, or it’s just not what they want to do with their money.”

At the end of the day, just put yourself in your guests’ shoes. “I have to talk brides down all the time because they’re upset that a friend can’t come to their wedding or won’t make it to their bachelorette party,” says Ford. “I always say, ‘Remember that this person is going through their own stuff too. Let it go, and don’t allow this to hurt your friendship.’”

Email your money conundrums to mytwocents@nymag.com(and read our submission termshere.)

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