I understand the letter writers who say they are not happy after many decades of marriage – the ones who say, “After 40 years …” and list the reasons they shouldn’t be together. 

I am feeling the same way after 40-plus years of marriage. We are great roommates. We keep the house and share duties. I cook, food shop, and clean up after dinner; she does most of the house cleaning. She is retired, and I have no desire to quit. I am not happy, and she is not happy. 

I love her, but not in love. I am considering moving on. My big fear is the shock of family and friends and their response.

How do you restart after so many decades and a life you’ve built together?

– Together

My advice is to start by talking to your wife about this. If the two of you are on the same page about your happiness – and about moving on – it might be easier on the rest of your community.

Sure, they’ll still be shocked, but if they know this is a joint, amicable decision made out of love, they’ll have every reason to accept it. I do hope your spouse feels similarly about the state of your marriage. You seem sure she’s not happy. It’d be good to find out what she wants for the next few decades.

Another thought: your friends and family might not be shocked at all. Long marriages are complicated. Perhaps they’ve wondered whether you’re really enjoying yourselves, or are just repeating the routine of cook, eat, and clean. Maybe they’ll say, “Go enjoy your lives! Good for you!”

One of the biggest concerns in these situations can be money, and who can afford to do what. If that’s something you can figure out, and there’s a way for your wife to remain retired, this seems doable.

I keep going back to the part where you say you love her. Some romantic relationships endbecause of love and mutual respect. They might even become great friendships.

Find out if that’s how she sees the state of your union. Maybe you’ll be surprised by her answer.

– Meredith

Readers? How does one begin the process? To people who ended long marriages: how did family and friends react?

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