If “It's Fast or It's Free” is an example of how good the inconsequential one-off episodes ofRanma ½ can be, “Instant Spring” is a perfect example of how they can completely fail to make an impact. This is a story where nothing of consequence happens, and everything is totally reset at the end by design. I'm having a hard time mustering the strength to sit down and write this review.

It has two interlocking storylines: a dojo destroyer coming to, well, destroy the Tendo Dojo. In the former, Akane arrives home from her morning jog to find their fathers lying in bed, beaten up supposedly due to a dojo destroyer, who defeated the adults in battle and took their sign with the promise to return later. In the latter, Shampoo has a packet of soup base… err, powdered Jusenkyo that turns any water into Ranma's sought-after Naniichuan, the Spring of the Drowned Man that he believes will cure his condition. Shampoo offers it to him, but with a catch: she'll only give it to him if he goes on a date with her.

Here's where I show my ignorance of the martial arts stories genre: Are dojo destroyers a thing? A guy comes along, beats up the owner of a dojo, and takes their sign in a display of dominance. The episode presents with a confidence that makes me suspect that it's something that audience members will understand instantly with minimal explanation because they've likely seen it before. But then again, that would be perfectly in step with howRumiko Takahashi tends to throw a concept at her readers and expects them to just roll with it. Either way, it's a simple enough beat to pick up even without the apparent generic expectations.

While I can't say this storyline shows the characters at their worst, considering there's no attempted murder, everyone does act like a manipulative jackass. There was no dojo destroyer initially; it was all a ploy by Soun and Genma to force Akane and Ranma to cooperate, which they figured would cause them to finally recognize their feelings for one another and agree to the engagement without the ceaseless bickering. That plan goes awry when areal dojo destroyer shows up, with zero intention of taking a fall the way the pair of fathers was.

Shampoo has never had any qualms about using underhanded methods to get what she wants; all she cares about is that Ranma's attention is on her, regardless of his true feelings. She's always been one of the more cartoonish characters of the show, and I'm inclined to believe she truly is as shallow as she is selfish. She doesn't give a damn about whether or not Ranma actually likes her. Their date may be nothing but a selfish ploy on both their parts, but she only really gets mad when she thinks Ranma's going to try to leave so he can get back to the dojo at the appointed time.

I take back what I said before: she doesn't just care about having Ranma's attention. She also wants to get one over on Akane at all times. She's selfish, shallow,and spiteful. What a dreamgirl!

What's funny is that this is one of the better-animated episodes of the season, second only to “It's Fast or It's Free.” In particular, Ranma's body language during the date is fantastic – he's fidgety with nervous energy and obviously doesn't want to be there, despite his indulgence of Shampoo's desires for his own selfish ends. Akaneclaims she can take the dojo destroyer herself, but she's also injured from punching a wall in her rage at Ranma and Shampoo's horseshit. Ranma, on the other hand,claims that getting the Instant Naniichuan is the only thing he wants, but he also cares deeply about Akane.

The two stories come together when Ranma brings their date to the dojo despite his promises to Shampoo that he'll focus only on her. Genma giddily splashes the two with cold water, assuming that he's been cured. Why would he do that? Because, once again, the characters have exactly as many brain cells as required for maximum comedy. It's entirely something Genma would do, and Ranma's terror at having a cat on him sends him careening his bike into the dojo, right into the middle of Akane's losing battle against the destroyer.

Poor Akane! She's once again caught in the middle of a fight for who can be the most spiteful. As revenge for Ranma abandoning their date, Shampoo lies that he kissed her and, while the two are distracted, covers the destroyer's vital points with packs of Instant Naniichuan, which Ranma promptly destroys. Lest you think Ranma is an innocent victim of Shampoo's control and manipulation, he uses this to his advantage to get a guilt-ridden Akane to promise she'd do anything to make it up to him, including doing his homework and cleaning his room. Until the destroyer rats on him, pulling the real packet out from his braid. Oops.

The level of spitefulness and incompetence in this episode is almostSeinfeld-esque. Everyone (except Akane) is lying to get what they want, whether that's manipulating others' feelings or some other kind of gain. This is not a criticism;Seinfeld was beloved for exactly this quality. And much like in an episode ofSeinfeld, nobody gets what they want in the end: as Ranma and Genma learn, Instant Naniichuan powder only works once. Shampoo made him jump through all those hoops for her own amusement. We're all right back where we started.

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Ranma ½ is currently streaming onNetflix.