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Top 7… awesome wrestlers who could only exist in games

on November 3, 2014
1 of 10
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  • Too manic for WrestleMania

    Some people look to reality TV or angry message boards when they want to add some melodrama to their lives, but I've always found pro wrestling to be a great, trashy alternative. The fictional lives and athletic performances of people like The Undertaker and Daniel Bryan have kept me glued to the screen for countless hours--my social life has been in a coma ever since WWE Network began. Still, despite the unreality of sports entertainment, sometimes I want to see wrestlers pull off the type of things that can only happen in games.

    A top rope German suplex is fun, but wouldn't it be cooler if the move could smash through brick walls? Triple H may be an authority figure, but he isn't a mayor that piledrives gangsters into concrete. These are the type of wrestlers that you only see in games, the mighty men and women that capture the spirit of grappling, then crank up the ludicrousness in heartwarming ways. These are gaming's greatest, most unreal wrestlers...

  • 7. Guacamelee!'s Juan Aguacate

    Wrestlers go on quests for vengeance all the time, whether it's to regain the world title or beat up a conniving boss. Guacamelee takes that into an even more morbid direction, as Juan goes from friendly farmer to ghostly grappler after after his death: after he finds a magical luchador mask in the underworld and is transformed into an unstoppable Mexican wrestler on a quest for revenge (and for love).

    Juan's luchador abilities are unearthly in Guacamelee. He can suplex and toss his enemies, sending them ricocheting off the walls, earning experiencing and unlocking abilities throughout the south of the border Metroidvania. And special moves like Rooster Uppercut and the Frog Slam aren't merely flamboyantly fun; they also open doors to new areas much like Samus' multi-purpose arsenal. Never before have a wrestler's signature moves been so useful.

  • 6. Streets of Rage 2's Max Thunder

    If Hulk Hogan's best friend were ever kidnapped, I doubt the police would let him follow along on the investigation. That's too bad, because Streets of Rage 2 makes a pretty good argument for letting grapplers assist the police. Max Thunder is the beefy buddy of original Streets of Rage star Adam Hunter, and he walks the mean streets looking for the criminal kingpin that took his friend, laying out devastating moves to hundreds of punk kids along the way.

    Max is dressed for action in his traditional tights, boots, and pads, and he's doling out punishing moves right and left. The Thunder Bomb and Thunder Tackle are ripped straight from real-life ring work, and are surprisingly effective against guys holding knives and pipes. He may be slow, but Max's Atomic Drop is the most powerful single attack in the entire series, making him an all-star despite never appearing in another game. If my dream comes true of a Streets of Rage reboot, I’ll gladly pay for Max Thunder DLC.

  • 5. Tekken's King

    If you didn't know about the importance and prestige of masks in lucha libre tradition, you might just think that King is a jaguar/human hybrid that loves to grab people. However, King is the most accomplished grappler in Tekken's world, with a long and storied history before he ever joins the King of the Iron Fist tournaments. As a Catholic priest he started an orphanage, overcame alcoholism and a deep depression, and was then murdered by an Aztec god. Then his hated rival trained a new King, who began his own wrestling career in later games. By the way, that's not even thefifth craziest story in Tekken lore.

    Beyond all that gravitas, King is notable because he gives the developers an excuse to animate almost every single wrestling move known to man.Watch as King smoothly transitions through accurate recreations of power bombs, surfboards, spinning toe holds, and muscle busters with ease, all leading up to the ultimate move, the Rolling Death Cradle. King is like a walking Wikipedia of moves, all lovingly recreated by developers who clearly care about wrasslin' as much as any fan.

  • 4. Dead or Alive's Tina Armstrong

    Bass Armstrong is Dead or Alive's amalgamation of Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage, so you know any daughter he raises will be a master of the squared circle. Tina is as accomplished as real life second and third generation grapplers like Natalya and Cody Rhodes, and she knows pretty much every major wrestling move. Also, given how little most real male and female grapplers wear in the ring, Tina's skimpy clothing choices makeslightly more sense than most of Dead or Alive's troublesome wardrobe.

    Tina can pull off just about every devastating grapple ever invented--all while wearing a string bikini, no less--but she dreams of using her talents for something more. The Texas rose enters DoA tournaments in hope of becoming an actress, supermodel, or politician. And on top ofall that, she's also an expert atplaying guitar while riding a skateboard. That's the type of versatility that makes true champions stand out.

  • 3. Saints Row: The Third's Killbane

    Speaking of wrestlers that dreamed of more than winning the big gold belt, Killbane is possibly the most upwardly mobile wrestlers in gaming history. After gaining fame with tag teammate Angel de la Muerte, Killbane did what every evil wrestler does, and turned on his friend to get even more famous. He defeated Angel, stole his mask, established the deadly wrestling event Murderbrawl, and then amassed a personal army of criminals. Makes Vince McMahon look lazy by comparison.

    Killbane is one of the Saint's greatest enemies, and the only way to defeat the giant luchador is to master the art of wrestling. Even then he pulls out every trick in the book to avoid losing at Murderbrawl 31, including chainsaws, sneak attacks, and bribery--lucky for the Saints it's a no-disqualification match. Should you defeat Killbane and steal his mask, it still takes crashing his plane and one final, fiery tussle to bring down this grappling godfather. Killbane is one of the greatest heels of all time, fictional or otherwise.

  • 2. Virtua Fighter's Wolf Hawkfield

    Canadians have given so much to the craft of pro wrestling. Wolf follows in the footsteps of Bret Hart and Pat Patterson as the esteemed Canuck grappler of the Virtua Fighter series--only he's a little more feral than most. He grew up in the woods, howls at the moon, and retired from wrestling when he felt no one could challenge him. Wolf finally found that challenge in Virtua Fighter rivals Akira and El Blaze, who keep calling him back to these open fighting tournaments.

    Beyond his skills and masterfully tailored ring attire, Wolf is one of gaming's most important wrestlers because of his comical self seriousness. Plagued by apocalyptic dreams and a secret love of karaoke,Wolf's many quotes show that he respects wrestling more than anything else. "To be strong is… beautiful." and "Wrestling is the ultimate sport! Awoooo!" aren't just memorable taunts. They're words to live by.

  • 1. Final Fight's Mike Haggar

    Capcom has so many esteemed grapplers that this whole list could be filled with the likes of Zangief, El Fuerte, and the entire cast of Saturday Night Slam Masters. However, Mike Haggar reigns supreme as the greatest wrestler, not only from Capcom, but perhaps in all of gaming history. This mustachioed man believes in family, justice, and simple, grassroots politics, and Haggar expresses those beliefs with his massive arms.

    Haggar has starred in multiple Final Fight games, leaving his role of mayor to search out his kidnapped daughter for himself, piledriving everyone in his path. Even when he isn't beating on the Mad Gears, Mike can be found sharpening his mat skills in the aforementioned Slam Masters, or testing his strength againstthe freaking Hulk in the Marvel vs. Capcom games. Haggar reaches beyond the sport or politics, making this simple man an icon of gamesand wrestling worldwide. I know I'd vote for him.

  • Whatcha gonna do, brother?!?

    Did I overlook your favorite ring warrior? Did I sidestep some sultan of suplexes that you love playing as? If so, tell me all about it in the comments. Until then, remember what Pro Wrestling for NES taught us all: "A Winner Is You."

    Want to get even more wrasslin' action? Check outremembering the Ultimate Warrior through video games andWWE 2K15 roster.

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  • punishment - November 6, 2014 6 p.m.

    I really loved Slam Masters as a kid, and then I found the rom of the sequel that I had no idea existed. Thrilled to see that the Canadian character wrestled in "Calgaly"
  • CitizenWolfie - November 5, 2014 10 a.m.

    I haven't managed to watch the video yet but no Zangief on the list? WTF?!?! ZE RED CYCLONE SUPLEXES BEARS!
  • 6ixth - November 4, 2014 5:08 a.m.

    I'd argue a Hangar could possibly exist...look at Jesse Ventura
  • t_skwerl - November 4, 2014 12:58 a.m.

    Actually, Hogan voiced Angel. Killbane is another guy.
  • archnite - November 3, 2014 8:56 p.m.

    I believe Killbane was even voiced by Hulk Hogan despite him being a Luchador parody.
  • AshLynx - November 3, 2014 8:15 p.m.

    Mask deSmith from Killer7! Though he mostly uses two giant grenade launchers to attack, but some of his last second things are wrestling. You can tell Suda51 likes masked wrestling way too much, it's in a lot of his games. Also, Mask gets all these awesome upgrades, but no other character does.
  • shawksta - November 3, 2014 5:35 p.m.

    Only in Rhythm Heaven can an interview become a minute and a half music session.

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