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SCP-WTF-J

rating: +232+–x

Item #: SCP-WTF-J

Object Class: Keter-Ashmedai

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-WTF-J is to be kept in a standard containment cell at Armed Provisional Containment Area WTF-J-Omega-666 and subjected to Procedure 99-Jericho every 30 minutes. Failure to properly execute Procedure 99-Jericho will invariably result in a ZK-class Reality Failure event.

Procedure 99-Jericho: This procedure consists of 15 sub-procedures, conducted simultaneously in 15 rooms arranged in a pentadecagonal array around SCP-WTF-J's containment cell.

Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Frigg:
1. One live chicken¹ will be fed into a wood chipper.
2. One 19-year-old woman of Chinese descent will bathe in the resulting waste generated by the wood chipper.
3. The woman will describe the experience of bathing in chicken entrails as "a riveting change of pace from the ordinary business", then consume three gallons of canola oil.
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Ragnarok:
1. One European conger eel² is to be inserted into the left nostril of one 99-year-old man of Uruguayan descent.
2. The eel is to be subjected to 900 volts of electricity for ten seconds.
3. The man and the eel are to be covered with low-fat mayonnaise.
4. The man-eel-mayonnaise cluster is to be sprinkled with crystalline citric acid.
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Iglesias:
1. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED]
2. Once O5-11's colon is completely free of wasps, one 19-year-old woman of Chinese descent is to comment with an emphatic "and how!"
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow:
1. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Bash:
  1. Onecarne asada soft taco will be consumed by a 23-year-old man of Irish descent.
2. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Beesh:
  1. Onecarne asada hard taco will be consumed by a 23-year-old man of Irish descent.
3. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Bersh:
  1. Onecarne asada soft taco will be consumed by a 23-year-old man of Norwegian descent.
4. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Bosh:
  1. Onecarne asada hard taco will be consumed by a 23-year-old man of Norwegian descent.
5. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Boosh:
  1. Onecarne asada soft taco will be consumed by a 23-year-old mermaid of Canadian descent.
  2. The mermaid will then be fed into a mermaid-strength blender, puréed, and fed to the two aforementioned Irish and Norwegian men with a Riesling on the side.
    1. The Riesling doesn't need to be too fancy, screw-top is fine.
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Kostenlos:
1. One chicken soft taco will be consumed by one saltwater crocodile³.
2. The crocodile will then be fed into a mermaid-strength blender, puréed, and slathered all over a 19-year-old woman of Chinese descent.
3. Seventeen 49-year-old men of Italian descent will then bind their feet with pig intestines and collectively urinate onto one cheeseburger.
4. The aforementioned cheeseburger will then be fed to a different saltwater crocodile.
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Oswego:
1. Ten 59-year-old women of Irish descent will violently assault each other with personal metal detectors for ten seconds.
  1. These metal detectorsmust have been made by the Yamaha corporation.
2. One melanistic leopard⁴, having been made capable of speech, is to break up the fight with a serious talking-to.
3. One 19-year-old woman of Chinese descent is to address the audience directly with the phrase "and knowing is half the battle."
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Tampa:
1. One freshly cloned dodo⁵ chick is to be submerged into a barrel of crude oil from Saudi Arabia until it drowns.
2. One 42-year-old woman of German descent is to then consume the dead dodo chick without using her hands.
3. One aborted human fetus is to be placed before the 42-year-old woman of German descent no less than two seconds after the last piece of dodo is consumed.
4. The 42-year-old woman of German descent is to proclaim "no thank you, I have higher standards than that and you should know this by now" in no less than three different languages.
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Argo:
1. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED]
2. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED]
3. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED]
4. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED]
5. Apply vigorously to the sternum.
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Alfalfa:
1. One 29-year-old man whose middle name rhymes with "Rank" is to slather his ankles in unsalted butter.
2. The aforementioned ankles are to be amputated and incinerated over the carcass of a stillborn calf who was conceived on a full moon.
3. The calf will then be wholly consumed by the 29-year-old ankle donor using only a spoon.
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-2337
1. Cack! Am design containment proceeds! Much honorables. Am tricky wicky to be sooth, m'friendflakes.
2. First we takegather ein saucy tamale, and cack the humdingers all the way to Damascus!
3. Oh yass, my comrades! There will be much Dionysus to be sprinkled on the concubines.
4. Cack!
5. One Chineasel of 19 womanyears am chappen the happenstance, and how!
6. GI Joe!
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Humperdinck:
1. The government of Italy will officially revert to fascism for 23 nanoseconds.
2. Following the end of 99-Jericho-Humperdinck phase one, the current Pope will give a thumbs-up gesture and remark "glad that's over with."
3. One 19-year-old woman of Chinese descent will reply to the Pope with an emphatic "and how!"
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Magnus:
1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F.
2. Place the cream, vanilla bean and its pulp into a medium saucepan set over medium-high heat and bring to a boil. Remove from the heat, cover and allow to sit for 15 minutes. Remove the vanilla bean and reserve for another use.
3. In a medium bowl, whisk together 1/2 cup sugar and the egg yolks until well blended and it just starts to lighten in color. Add the cream a little at a time, stirring continually. Pour the liquid into 6 (7 to 8-ounce) ramekins. Place the ramekins into a large cake pan or roasting pan. Pour enough hot water into the pan to come halfway up the sides of the ramekins. Bake just until the creme brulee is set, but still trembling in the center, approximately 40 to 45 minutes. Remove the ramekins from the roasting pan and refrigerate for at least 2 hours and up to 3 days.
4. The remaining D-class are to be summarily terminated.
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Uther:
1. Three 50-year-old men who find British singer Kate Bush to be sexually attractive are to masturbate to her song "Wuthering Heights".
2. One 39-year-old Franciscan nun is to scream at the three 50-year-old men about the dangers presented by eternal damnation.
3. The three 50-year-old men are to repent to the nun while weeping.
4. British singer Kate Bush is to make a special guest appearance and remind the three 50-year-old men that life is short and fleeting, and they shouldn't let the empty threats of an oppressive religious institution stop them from enjoying what they love.
5. One red-backed buttonquail⁶ is to be swallowed whole by British singer Kate Bush.
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Abel:
1. Just ignore this one.
2. I'm not even sure WTF-J will know the difference.
3. It's something stupid with a bunch of dildos and an octopus.
4. Seriously, why bother? WTF-J's just fucking with us at this point.
5. One giant Pacific octopus⁷ is to be murdered by five men armed with plastic dildos as a 19-year-old woman of Chinese descent screams "Et tu, Brute?! Then, fall Caesar!"
Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Lucignolo:
1. [13/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED]
2. There was much rejoicing.