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the little shit SCP-SCP-J
Item #: SCP-SCP-J
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-SCP-J is to be kept in a hermetically sealed containment vault at Site-58 in the hope that it might suffocate or starve to death, though the Foundation acknowledges that such a wonderful possibility actually coming to fruition is ill-becoming of anything associated with SCP-SCP-J. Under no circumstances is SCP-SCP-J to be let out. In the event that Site-58 becomes compromised through one or more Euclid or Keter containment breaches, SCP-SCP-J is to be given first priority as an unfortunate casualty.
Description: SCP-SCP-J, formerly known as "Scippy," is a cartoon mascot found in training videos for D-class personnel prior to 1994. After retirement on 1/15/1995, SCP-SCP-J worked as a class-B containment specialist at Site-58.
SCP-SCP-J's anomalous qualities became apparent when personnel at Site-58 attempted to perform any kind of official work.
Incident log 5/8/95:
Dr. Henderson: Everybody out. SCP-████ is breaching containment. I need all mission-critical personnel to follow—
SCP-SCP-J: It looks like you're dealing with a containment breach. Would you like some help?
Dr. Henderson: Not the time, Scippy.
SCP-SCP-J: The time is currently 5:23 PM. But perhaps you should focus on the matter at hand - containment breaches are very serious problems that must be addressed with your full attention! Have you notified the breach desk?
Dr. Henderson: Get out of the way. I have to get to the containment chamber.
SCP-SCP-J: The containment chamber? Incorrect. In the event of a containment breach, the breach desk should be notified. This is step one. Step two—
Dr. Henderson:I will feed you head-first into a non-anomalous woodchipper if you don't get out of my fucking way this minute!
SCP-SCP-J: That does not sound like it would be a productive use of your time, especially during a containment breach. Would you like me to contact the breach desk for you?
SCP-████:I FEAST.
Dr. Henderson: [horrified screaming] IT'S EATING MY LEGS — [death gurgle]
SCP-SCP-J: I'm sorry, lunchtime was four hours ago.