SCP-3739:Mind-Milk™ by Moosphere, Inc.
Authors:Lt Flops & KindlyTurtleClem
Published on 22 Jan 2019

This article is set in theBroken Masquerade canon.

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F.A.Q.

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Flagged on 2024-02-29 @ 08:00 AM (UTC−05)

VIDEO LOG

[BEGIN LOG]

(NOTE: Keys for format: Time | Source of Sound)

0m 00s |[Field Agents Smith and Wollensky are inside a police car, driving on roads intersecting cornfields and distant barns. They pass fence posts outlining a ranch where ranchers wrangle up grazing cattle. A black warehouse, brown domicile, and red-walled livestock facility come into view. Wollensky eases the ignition and halts the vehicle near the facility before they both dismount.]

1m 21s |[The ranch manager comes out to greet them. Behind him, farmhands haul cheese and milk products onto a forklift.]

1m 31s | Agent Smith: Hi there! Are you Gordon? Gordon Kazinsky?

1m 35s | Gordon Kazinsky: My friends call me Gordon. You're with the FDA, aren't you?

1m 40s | Smith: Yessir. You can call me Smith, and this here is Wollensky. He's my deputy.

1m 46s |[Wollensky nods. Smith extends his hand. The manager blinks and shrugs.]

1m 50s | Smith: You mind if I call you Gordon anyway?

1m 54s | Gordon: You can call me Curdles the Cow for all I care. I just want to get back to work.

2m 02s | Smith: This'll be a real quick inspection.

2m 04s | Gordon: Right.

2m 07s | Smith: We'll hardly take much of your time. Hell, we passed by a Costco on the way here, so if you fine gents want some Coors Light after toiling in the sun all day, you can have some. We had a few cases we were taking back for tonight anyway.

2m 25s | Gordon: That right?

2m 27s | Smith: Absolutely, Gordon. Free of charge.

2m 30s | Gordon: Well bud, if that's the case, consider that smudge of manure near the entrance your "welcome mat." I'll show you around.

2m 38s | Smith: Wollensky's going to look at things out back near the warehouse. Again, for the sake of expediency.

2m 45s |[Gordon gestures his hand toward the livestock facility, and Smith proceeds inside. Wollensky paces toward the black warehouse while nearby farmhands congregate, throwing brief glances at him. Wollensky's headset picks up children's laughter, but his body camera displays no children.]

3m 19s | Gordon: You're here 'cause of that weird CGI Photoshop nonsense they got on LiveLeak, ain't you?

[Whilst speaking, Gordon gesticulates. His right palm brushes against Smith's body camera. Video capture becomes obfuscated with a sticker of Jackie the Clown Cow. Audio reception from the headset remains operational. Smith fails to notice.]

3m 25s | Smith: Pardon?

3m 26s | Gordon: I can assure you, that was Dave. Always used to believe in "guerrilla marketing," that man. Look, I can tell you this: Our quality assurance has gone untarnished for twenty-some-odd years.

3m 38s | Smith:Dave?

3m 40s | Gordon:[He chuckles.] Myformer partner in crime.

3m 45s | Smith: Registrar indicated he bought the farm first before dual-ownership.

3m 49s | Gordon: It's just me now. Dave had a run-in with corporate. Nice guy and all, but he had to transfer.

3m 57s | Smith: While the "advertisement" he marketed is a… Concern that I'll bring up later, we're primarily here for — well, let's see.[Pause.] Ah, loud noises heard in the middle of the night, run-off going into the lake over yonder. The one you use, that is. That sort of thing.

4m 14s | Gordon: Complaints? By whom?

4m 17s | Smith:[Pause.] Can't say, Gordon. I actually got a missing person's report on your business partner.Dave, isn't it?

4m 23s | Unidentified Farmhand: We use the most up-to-date technology to produce the finest four gallons of dairy product this side of state. Before we pasteurize it, even! Ever taste it raw?

4m 24s | Gordon:[Toneless.] It's Mister Kazinsky to you.

4m 27s | Smith: Now isn't that shooting yourself in the foot?

4m 31s | Gordon: How you reckon?

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

12m 47s |[The facility's slide doors are open. Farmhands mix viscous fluids of varying color.]

12m 52s |[The ranchers gather around the two agents. They greet and lead them through the slide doors.]

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

41m 28s |[Smith is deep in conversation with Gordon and the other ranchers, querying how they produce their product. Ranchers relay cognitohazardous advertisement jargon to him.]

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

Image captured by Wollensky's camera, time-stamped 3h 35m 15s.

(Hover to enlarge.)

NOTE: Wollensky appears to have lost his headset. His view displays visuals separate from audio. Command received the audio with high amounts of white noise.

3h 34m 51s |[Camera captures aged concrete walls inked in white hieroglyphics. Wollensky moves forward and shines his flashlight onto dusty IBM 702 computers stationed on plastic-folding tables, each divided by cubicle walls. The camera pans downward and captures puddles of white liquid on hay-covered floors and manure.]

3h 36m 04s | (COM):[A group of children laugh.]

3h 36m 07s |[Wollensky stops, directing his mounted flashlight on a child. The camera shudders. The child giggles and shakes their head. They hold up an index finger, pointing. Wollensky rears his head toward a vacant location then turns back. The child flees, skipping across hay-covered floors and manure.]

3h 36m 16s |[Wollensky follows. The child darts to the left corner. The manure displays countless footprints of varying shoe sizes impressed into it.]

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

4h 44m 41s |[Unknown person(s) apply a hot glue gun from above view. Wollensky's arms struggle against fifteen small, pale arms pressing against him. The body camera falls to his feet.]

4h 44m 58s |[A copious amount of white liquid drips from Wollensky's ears.]

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

??h ??m ??s | (COM):[Gurgling sounds emit for approximately 12 hours. Various moans, bovine and human, are audible periodically. This occurs until the audio equipment runs out of battery.]

[END LOG]

RAISA POST-INVESTIGATION NOTICE

When a retrieval task force arrived at the farmland, the facilities were vacant, save for an undulating 1.7-meter-wide udder. The udder, branded with the initials "M.M." on its lower end, emitted male vocalizations akin to sobbing.

The current whereabouts of Agents Smith and Wollensky are unknown.

Flagged on 2024-02-29 @ 08:11 AM (UTC−05)

VIDEO LOG

INTERVIEWED: Jacob Drauss, Head of Internet Outreach,Moosphere, Inc.

INTERVIEWER: Dr. Michael Handler

DATE: 10 June 2023

NOTE: Simurgh.aic intercepted various social media pages and local news articles with advertisements connected to SCP-3739-1 phenomena. An internet forensics team back-traced the IP addresses to a defunct compound in Bellevue, Wisconsin, which a unit of Mobile Task Force Eta-33 ("Don't Have a Cow, Man") members raided. The unit found Jacob Drauss in a state of unconsciousness and under duress, with intravenous pumps injecting white liquid into his bloodstream from emptied milk containers.

[BEGIN LOG]

[Jacob Drauss regains consciousness 90 minutes after the start of the raid. Recording begins as Drauss leaks milk from his left ear canal at an approximate rate of 300 mL/minute.]

Jacob Drauss: Ah fuck, all over the kitchen!

Dr. Michael Handler: This is your house?

Drauss: Yeah, man. I work from home.

Dr. Handler: Noted.[Aside.] Grab a bucket, please.

[A member of Eta-33 places a bucket at Drauss' side, catching the liquid.]

Drauss: We don't have time for this. They're going to be here any minute!

Dr. Handler: Well then, the clock is ticking, Jacob.

Jacob Drauss: What else do you need? You got my ID, my background check, academic certs, tungsten ring…

Dr. Handler: My hands are tied. You'll have to play ball with us.

Drauss: Playing ball means I won't be able to sleep without several gallons of milk pouring out my nostrils and mouth, goddamnit.

Dr. Handler: That's a risk you're willing to take.[He taps on a folder on the desk.] Freedom's right within reach, Drauss. More than I can say for those poor sods you personally trapped with memetics.[He opens the folder, flipping through birth certificates and passports.] We have a nice little home for you, out by the pier with Little Mary and Jonesy — the four of you under a nice little carousel. You're taking out little Mary's favorite treats from a picnic basket; the sun's caressing your shoulders; the sand kernels are wedging between your toes.[He slams the folder shut.] Come on, work for it! Work for your new life.

Drauss: You make sure you protect them after I'm gone, you hear? CEO's gonna assimilate me for revealing his secrets.[He grunts.] There's that udder you found. At the warehouse, right?

Dr. Handler: Any others?

Drauss: Couple. It's emergent aeonian bio-organic paratech. Or in other words — the CEO expects his workers to become his product. Black warehouse, brown doors? With the cat poster, right? Yeah, that was Dave. Great guy, but not smart enough to avoid the CEO's ire. Tried to reveal what was going on anonymously and thought he was protected because he had fuckin' NordVPN on.[He shakes his head.] The last message he sent me said he got "transferred."

Dr. Handler: E-mails we intercepted on the company intranet confirm that message was sent not too long ago, but we couldn't trace it back to any known source. We also couldn't find any technologies capable of doing that to your friend.

Drauss: That's because it's in here.[He taps his temple.] It's like this. Imagine a valve being affixed to a piston. Or an artificial ventricle filled with blood, forming a unique mechanism capable of muscle contraction. Wedreamt up our heat exchangers to pasteurize that damned dairy.

[A large disembodied udder manifests in the corner of the room behind Drauss.]

Dr. Handler: The floating udder, Drauss?

Drauss:[He covers his face with his hands, disrupting the flow. He exhales.] Fuck!

Dr. Handler:[Aside.] You didn't bring the MEATS,.Meatspace Transitional Suppressors (MEATS): Provisional containment modules used to contain metaphysical threats. did you?

Eta-33 Lead: We'll handle it. Just keep talking to the perp.

Dr. Handler: Alright.[Pause.] Jacob, how does someone get into this business?

Drauss: Handler, was it?

[Dr. Handler nods.]

Drauss: Well, Handler, you know how they operate. It's all between-the-lines, through subliminal catchy slogan bullshit, brand deals, seasonal sales, et cetera. Once you get into it you can say bye-bye to whatever goodnight's sleep you had before.

Dr. Handler: Before this, you were a full-time Lyft driver. Can't imagine you were getting much sleep on those long nights out anyway. What's with the change in occupation?

Drauss: I was conscripted. See, it starts slowly. You get fatigued. So, you put a little more cheese in your diet, maybe pour a little more skim milk in your decaf. Espresso won't work. Pills won't work, and some days you collapse from exhaustion. And when the coma hits?[He drops his palms to his lap.] That means you're hired. Your subconscious isn't your private property anymore, understand?

Dr. Handler: So then how did you propagate the advertisements? You were physically incapable of doing any typing from what I could tell.

Drauss: Yeah, those? Written in legally distinct arcana via the amygdala: Drafted in emotion and fear, so they can't get sued by competitors in the Marketplace of Ideas.

Dr. Handler: What else did you witness?

Drauss: After I was employed, it was all aboutMoosphere Mind-Cubicles™,Moosphere-brandedMind-Staplers™,Mind-Utilities™,Mind-Slaves™,Moosphere Grazing Barns™, and a "district manager" with six leaky tits. I was busy filing tax returns for these primordial bovine entities. These– these things that expect you to drink yourself into oblivion. Oneiroi's Kangaroo Kourt system isn't going to recognize Staff mistreatment or unions ifMoosphere did it on company grounds.

[The floating udder undulates. Sounds of retching emerge.]

Dr. Handler: On company grounds?

Drauss: The Marketplace of Ideas isn't a lie, Doctor Handler. That domain exists, and you're a part of it, whether you like it or not.

Dr. Handler: How do you mean?

Drauss: I need you to listen very carefully when I tell you this.[He sits up straight and sighs.] You should know that there are only two types of people in this world. Those of us who drinkMind-Milk™, and those of us who secrete it.

[END LOG]

NOTE:Mr. Drauss has refused to answer any further questions aboutMoosphere, his position in the company, or the Marketplace of Ideas. My team and I have taken him into limited protective custody for psychological evaluation and his own personal safety.

VIDEO LOG

FOREWORD: On 24 June 2023, a livestream containing surreal bovine imagery was posted to YouTube, triggering Simurgh.aic. The livestream, entitled "Sights of Wausaukee, Northeastern Wisconsin," displayed normative footage of the town's attractions interspersed with shocking imagery of large, writhing, gelatinous bovine masses. Simurgh.aic could not determine a geolocation and blocked the stream.

Foundation officials investigated Wausaukee as part of a mandatory sweep for anomalous threats. An attached crew of field pataphysicists detected an aberrant mass of 150,000 individual bovine memes in and around the town, most of which centered on a 640 m² area. MTF-Eta-33 members initiated further investigation, and with the help of pataphysicists, tracked the memes to a nearby warehouse at the town's outskirts.

A raid on the facility was scheduled for the following evening. Aware of the pataphysical findings, Site-82 Command became convinced of a likely risk to civilian populations and authorized the use of esoteric materials to combat potential oneiric threats and anomalous dairy entities.

EXPLORATION TEAM: MTF-η-33

TEAM MEMBERS:

• η-1 / Samara Maclear
• η-2 / Eli Hall
• η-3 / Allen Foxglove

TEAM NOTES: Task force specialists were selected based on:

1. Their teamwork skills.
2. Pataphysical markers pointing to their archetypal significance, necessary for an operation of this nature.

EQUIPMENT:

• Three sets of standard Spectra-fiber body armor. Each set is fitted with multiple built-in body cameras, a transmission stream, and headset.
• Infrared night-vision goggles.
• Three M4 carbines.
• One tactical astral projection kit and subdermal sigil (carried by η-1).
• One reconnaissance drone and a remote controller (carried by η-2).
• One breach kit (carried by η-3).
• SCP-3863-1-type milk-honey, 250 mL.

PREAMBLE: A small team of MTF-η-33 specialists deployed via combat search and rescue helicopter. On arrival, the cast iron and steel roofing were partially collapsed, leaving a large breach above the warehouse.

[BEGIN LOG | 09:47 PM]

«9:47:» η-1 and η-3 hold position outside the front entrance. η-2 operates a quadcopter drone over the exposed roof.

«9:50:» The drone enters a dimly lit interior containing 25 docile cows inside compact rooms, guarded behind slide-doors. The cows display fitted metallic portholes on their left flank and udders.

«9:52:» Manure and hay compositions surround a hole directly beneath the roof's breach. Gelatinous purple tubing networks lead out of the hole and crisscross between compact cow stalls.

«9:57:» The drone feed captures generic farming utilities, fertilizer, and seed bags.

«9:58:» Small outlines move within bushes near η-1's camera. η-1 shines her flashlight at the location of movement. After a moment, η-1 states, "Negative sighting, remain alert."

«9:58:» η-1 gestures an "all-clear" signal. η-2 places the drone on auto-pilot and nods to η-3. η-3 installs a breach charge at the facility's front doors. The three pile behind a breaching blanket.

«9:59:» The charge detonates. η-3 enters the facility, followed by η-2 and η-1.

«10:01:» The team proceeds through a tight windowless vestibule into a wide foyer. No persons are present within, and the interior lacks light sources. Team members activate night-vision.

«10:04:» The team makes a thorough sweep of the area, and two-thirds of the way down, turns left. They encounter a door, ajar, to an open office space. The office displays hundreds of laminated posters, each sporting motivational messages overlaid onto stock images of persons consuming dairy products.

«10:06:» η-1 discovers milk leaking from the ceiling. Drone feed captures undulating movement from no discernible source. η-2 whispers, "It's coming from everywhere."

«10:07:» η-1 takes a milk sample, enclosing it in a rally bag. The milk emits a faint green bioluminescence.

«10:08:» η-3 leads the team into an antechamber at the back of the office and claims he "smells a sulfuric scent." η-1 activates electro-photonic sensors and registers aetheric radiation.A byproduct of aetheric energy, which powers all Thaumatology. leaking from an adjacent chamber.

«10:09:» η-3 pushes into the next chamber, which is filled with curdled milk. η-3 opens a metal door, drawing his carbine. A cow comes into view, mooing. Aetheric emission flows from its posterior, consistent with bovine flatulence.

«10:11:» The team returns to the foyer, traveling east through winding halls.

«10:15:» A tremor shakes the facility, followed by a long bovine vocalization. η-1's milk sample vibrates and grows ten times in volume. She abandons the sample.

«10:18:» η-3 reports a 3-meter-wide teat intersecting through support columns. The teat leaks faint green fluids.

«10:19:» η-1 makes incisions into the teat, revealing more flesh within. The flesh gurgles and pushes through the incision, consuming the cutting implement. She abandons cutting operation.

«10:20:» The drone views cows either fleeing from, or charging toward, an indiscernible point.

«10:23:» η-3 heaves open frosted double doors into a massive chamber ~20 meters in height that slopes downward toward the center. A writhing light brown udder (hereafter "Udder") of indeterminable width fills the chamber, producing hundreds of large teats, which stretch and collapse. Sleeping persons, presumably employees, levitate mid-air and upside down in groups of three around smaller teats. Cream cheese flows in bulk from their craniums down into a giant subterranean tank below.

«10:24:» η-2's drone captures footage of a cow falling from an upper walkway, yelping. A moment before striking the floor, the Udder trembles. The cow contacts the floor in slow-motion and dissolves into a translucent white liquid. This liquid flows toward the room's center.

«10:25:» Additional cows follow until all 25 have fallen. Newly transmogrified fluids spray the team members.

«10:27:» A pale, floating pink udder (SCP-3739-1-B) approaches the trio. η-1 recoils, clutching her temples — she receives a telepathic payload. η-1 asks, "What do you want?" The entity undulates as if laughing and approaches the team. η-3 fires on the entity. In due part to its apparent metaphysical nature, it does not take damage.

«10:27:» η-1 and η-3 share a nod. η-3 then stands at guard in front of her, and η-2 steps beside him. η-1 sets down her tool kit and unpacks it. She burns incense and reads an excerpt from her personal dream journal.

«10:28:» The entity sports multiple arms that unfold from within each other and into view. It grows an attractive, plump face, spewing off-white fluids from its mouth. With a giggle and piercing shriek, it says, "Your mother wants you to finish your milk."

«10:29:» η-2 trains the drone on a fleshy off-color sack near the middle of the Udder's anterior face. η-3 levels his carbine, waiting to fire.

«10:30:» η-2 says, "I'm lactose intolerant," and curses the entity with reductionist profanities. The drone registers natural chemosignals.Pheromones used to convey emotion and directions to those under its effect. emerging from the entity (hereafter "Mother"). Fifteen smaller bovine entities with the appearance of animated cartoon characters (SCP-3739-1-C, hereafter "Children") separate from the Udder. Ten Children bombard η-2 with runny cream cheese projectiles. Others siphon fluids directly from the Mother and chant: "Eat it! Eat it!"

η-2 refuses to comply.

«10:31:» η-1 strikes a match, burning her thumb tip. She thumbs her tactical sigil, and then downs the milk-honey. Her body goes limp. An astral body sprouts up from her physical body's chest and flips toward the Mother. She grabs at loose teats and pulls.

«10:32:» η-2 is fully covered in cream cheese but refuses to consume it. The Children drag him toward the Udder, causing him to drop the remote control as he fights to be freed. They force a leaking teat into his mouth. He has no choice but to comply.

«10:33:» η-1 combats the Mother. Both scream, trading blows. η-3 walks to the Udder, aims, and fires at the exposed fleshy protrusion. He yells, "You're not real." The flesh goes erect and sprays raw milk at him. He consumes the milk at will, downing liters without apparent stress.

«10:34:» η-1 spirals and pirouettes through the air, faster than the Mother. It squeezes green liquids at her. She grabs a teat and stretches it with ease. The Mother screams in shock, deflates, and then falls to the floor. A palpable wet smack echoes throughout the room. The entity finally becomes tangible, leaking the rest of its fluids.

«10:35:» η-2 is no longer visible. The large Udder shakes and spills raw milk into the vast room. η-1's astral body reconnects with her physical body. She ditches the astral projection kit. η-1 and η-3 escape.

[END LOG | 10:35 PM]

EXTRACTION: Post-log footage taken autonomously from η-2's drone records η-2 screaming in distress. This occurs for roughly 30 minutes as the warehouse fills with milk.

Near the end of the footage, η-2 emerges naked, and a disembodied cattle branding prosthesis marks him on the upper thigh. He shudders, mooing. The prosthesis spots the drone, extends, and emits electricity from a cattle prod, frying it.

Time-stamped: 2m 59s
— 2024-02-29 @ 08:29 AM (UTC−05)