Oh PopWatchers, dreams really do come true! Yesterday morning, I received in the mail a pair of MGA Entertainment’sAmerica’s Next Top Model dolls! At long last, I, Michael Slezak, boys and girls of all ages can act out their megalomaniacal Tyra Banks fantasies on a series of four fierce plastic figures named Paisley, Sidney, Sienna, and Tascha. (I’m guessing that, true toTop Model form, MGA toyed with a fifth, plus-sized model, but cut her at the last possible moment.) After completing this week’s challenge — wrestling Paisley and Sidney from their boxes — I skipped the photo shoot and went directly to the elimination ceremony. Here’s how it all went down (yeah, those are my hands in the photo… and I am not hearing your judgment):

I have two beautiful dolls standing before me, but I only have one photograph in my hand. That photo represents the doll who is still in the running toward becomingAmerica’s Next Top Doll. The doll whose name I do not call must immediately go back to the Top Doll house, pack up her belongings, and go… back to the manufacturer.

Paisley, the judges look at you and think, “Pretty girl.” Well,except for the blue leopard-print bag you’ve so carefully attempted tomatch with your tragic gauzy minidress. You’ve overcome so much in thiscompetition, including getting some of your hair cut off when we triedto remove you from your packaging. When we reduced you to a sobbingmess tonight during your evaluation, those tears spoke to me, and theytold me you are a girl who has grown as a human being in the sunlightof Tyra’s wisdom.

Sidney, you came to panel dressed like an Aztec cocktailwaitress, but when the judges look at you and the way you hold yourlimbs in an uncomfortable, contorted position, they see a girl withedgy, high-fashion potential. Or maybe a high-class call girl. But thejudges question your drive and desire. Mr. Jay said that on set today,you did not show the required enthusiasm for Cover Girl Wet N JuicyTripleberry Lip Slicks. And it takes more than fierce photos to be aTop Model. It takes product placement and an emotionally compellingstory arc.

So who goes home? The girl who wants this title so badly shepretended to laugh at Miss Jay’s nonsensical attempts at humor? Or thegirl who’s not afraid of metallic fabrics or suffering a herniated discin the name of a good photo?

Sidney, the judges really want a chance to make you cry. Congratulations, you’re still in the running toward becomingAmerica’s Next Top Doll. Paisley, we’re through with you. You’ve been spent like pocket change at the vending machine. Goodbye.