TheShidduch (Hebrew:שִׁדּוּךְ, pl.shidduchimשִׁדּוּכִים,Aramaicשידוכיןshidduchin) is a system ofmatchmaking in which Jewish singles are introduced to one another[1] inOrthodox Jewish communities for the purpose ofmarriage.
In the past and until today in more conservative Orthodox Jewish circles, dating is limited to the search for a marriage partner. Both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved, and the singles themselves) make inquiries about the prospective partner (e.g., on his/her character, intelligence, level oflearning, financial status, family and health status, appearance, and level of religious observance).[2][3]
Ashidduch often begins with a recommendation from family members, friends, or others who see matchmaking as amitzvah, or commandment. Some engage in it as a profession and charge a fee for their services. Usually, a professional matchmaker is called ashadchan, but anyone who makes ashidduch is considered theshadchan for thatshidduch.[4]
After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners meet a number of times to gain a sense of whether they are right for one another. The number of dates prior to announcing an engagement may vary by community. In some, the dating continues several months. In stricter communities, the couple may decide a few days after originally meeting with each other. Also, the age whenshidduchim start may vary by community. Infrum circles, especially amongHasidim,eighteen is the age whenshidduchim start andshadchanim take notice.
Those who support marriage by shidduch believe that it complies with traditionalJudaism's outlook onTzniut, modest behaviour in relations between men and women,[1][5] and preventspromiscuity. It may also be helpful in small Jewish communities where meeting prospective marriage partners is limited, and this gives them access to a broader spectrum of potential candidates.
If the shidduch does not succeed, the shadchan is usually contacted and tells the other side that the arrangement will not be going ahead. If the shidduch is successful, the couple informs the shadchan of its success.
In recent years, a number of shidduchim sites have appeared on theInternet.
The prospective partners either date each other, or, in stricterHaredi communities, they go to a"bashow",[6] or sit-in.[7] The practice has been called "achaperoned quasi-date".[8]
A typicalbashow scene is that the young man, with his parents, goes to see the young woman in her house (or that of someone hosting),[7][9] to see if the prospective couple are compatible. Both sets of parents talk to each other, and then, when the setting is more relaxed, they go into another room, leaving the man and woman in the living room to speak between themselves. Some use this opportunity to actually ask each other pertinent questions, while some just want to see if they like each other, relying more on the information they got from theshadchen or from other people. The number ofbashows prior to announcing an engagement varies, as some have manybashows, while others have as few as one, which is typical among the children ofHasidicRebbes.[citation needed]
Bashert (orbeshert;Yiddish:באַשערט) means "destiny".[10](Compare Middle High German beschern: “to preordain, destine, allot, distribute”.[11]Compare also Germanbeschert, meaning "bestowed" or "given".Others insist that it comes from the Yiddishsher meaning "scissors" or "shears"; this etymology is less likely.[12])It is often used to refer to one's divinely preordained spouse orsoulmate, who is called one'sbasherte (female) orbasherter (male). It can also be used to express the seeming fate or destiny of an auspicious or important event, friendship, or happening.
In modern usage, Jewish singles will say that they are looking for theirbashert, meaning they are looking for that person who will complement them perfectly, and whom they will complement perfectly. Since it is considered to have been Heavenly preordained whom one will marry, one's spouse is considered to be one'sbashert by definition, independent of whether the couple's marital life works out well or not.[13]
A somewhat related word iszivug.[14] The word includes the letters for the Hebrew wordzug, pair; the transliteration subsets/matches too.[15] God haspleasure also with theYichudim of Jewish couple:Shekhinah is present with union ... the "wedding".[16] All desire may be for God, andall pleasures come from "divine spiritual source".[17]
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The first recordedshidduch in the Torah was the match thatEliezer, the servant of the Jewish patriarchAbraham, made for his master's sonIsaac (Genesis Ch. 24). Abraham gave him specific instructions to choose a woman from Abraham's own tribe. Eliezer traveled to his master's homeland to fulfill Abraham's wishes, arriving at a well. After a short prayer to God for guidance, describing how a virtuous woman might act toward a traveling stranger at the well,Rebekah appeared on the scene, and did everything described in Eliezer's prayer. Eliezer then went with Rebekah to her family, and appealed to them for permission to take Rebekah back with him to be Isaac's wife. Once this permission was granted, Rebekah joined Eliezer on the road home to Isaac. Even so, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).
However, when Eliezer proposes to take Rebekah back to Isaac inCanaan, he is told by Rebekah's family: "Let us ask the maiden" (i. e., Rebekah). This is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during anarranged marriage. Regardless of whether proper procedure is followed, this is not the end of the decision—it is believed by Jews that the final say belongs to God, who may have different plans (compare with the match ofJacob andLeah).
TheTalmud (BavliKiddushin 12a, first version) states that academy headAbba Arikha would givecorporal punishment to a man who would marry withoutshidduchin, that is,[18] without prearrangement by the couple. The text gives three versions of his practice; the other two versions disagree. Some authorities rule according to the first version,[19][20] while others rule according to the other two versions.[21][22]
In Kiddushin 41a, it states that a man should not marry a woman he has not seen, lest he come to violate "love your neighbour as yourself".
Theetymology of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is uncertain. The medievalrabbiNissim of Gerona (commonly calledRan) traces it to theAramaic word for "calm" (cf.Targum to theBook of Judges 5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of theshidduch process is for young people to "settle down" into marriage.[23] According toJastrow, the word means to "negotiate" or "stipulate" (the financial terms of a betrothal).[24]
Shadchan (Hebrew:שַׁדְּכָן, pluralשַׁדְּכֳנִםshadchanim, femaleשַׁדְכָנִיתshadchanit, is aHebrew word formatchmaker;[4] Yiddish:Shadkhn.
The wordshadchan refers to people who carry outshidduchim as a profession within the religious Jewish community.[25] However,shadchan can also be used to refer to anyone[4] who introduces two single Jews to one another with the hope that they will form a couple.
One of the characters in the musicalFiddler on the Roof is a matchmaker named Yente. Because of this, the nameYenta (יענטע) is sometimes mistakenly taken to be a synonym forshadchan.[25]
Shadchanus[26] (שדכנות) is the money (Yiddish:געלט,gelt) paid to the party/parties[27] who brokered a successful pairing. It is a brokerage fee, not a gift, and can't be paid from funds intended for charity (מַעֲשֵׂרmaaser).[28] Usually it is paid by the parents,[29] and it is common that each pays an equal amount.[30]
Although Torah law allows for abat-kohen to marry achallal, convert, or freed slave (Hebreweved meshukhrar), the Midrash and Talmud citeJohanan bar Nappaha's view that a daughter of the kohen is best off marrying a kohen. Rabbi Yochanan maintains that in the event abat-kohen marries a non-Kohen, undesired results for the groom are likely to surface, such as poverty or the demise of the groom. An exception to this taboo is if the groom is aTalmid Chacham.[31]
Considering the prevalence of a number ofgenetic diseases in both theAshkenazi andSephardi communities, several organisations (most notablyDor Yeshorim) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When ashidduch is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union could result in critically disabled children. Although the implementation has been controversial, there has been a sharp decrease in the number of children born withTay–Sachs disease and other genetic disorders since its inception.[32]
My friends set me up ... It's called a shidduch.
New York Times reports ... Before making a shidduch, ... degree of religious practice, family background
word ... in Yiddish, to describe the encounter: "bashert,"" or destiny.
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