Richard Willard Armour (July 15, 1906 – February 28, 1989) was an American poet and prose writer who wrote more than 65 books.^[1][2]

Armour was born inSan Pedro, Los Angeles, California the only child of Harry W. and Sue Wheelock Armour. His father was adruggist, and Armour's autobiographicalDrug Store Days recalls his childhood in both San Pedro and Pomona. He attendedPomona College andHarvard University, where he studied with the eminent Shakespearean scholarGeorge Lyman Kittredge and obtained a Ph.D. in Englishphilology. He was married to Kathleen Stevens and they had two children, Geoffrey and Karin, and he eventually became Professor of English atScripps College and theClaremont Graduate School inClaremont, California. In 1968, Armour was awarded an honorary Doctor of Humane Letters (L.H.D.) degree fromWhittier College.^[3]

In his early career he focused on serious literature, publishing (in 1935) a biography of the lesser English poetBryan Waller Procter and in 1940, co-editing (withRaymond F. Howes) a series of observations by contemporaries aboutSamuel Taylor Coleridge,Coleridge the Talker.Virginia Woolf cited this work in an essay stating, "Two pious American editors have collected the comments of this various company [Coleridge's acquaintances], and they are, of course, various. Yet it is the only way of getting at the truth—to have it broken into many splinters by many mirrors and so select."^[4]

Armour wrote humorous poems—light verse—in a style reminiscent ofOgden Nash. These poems were often featured in newspaper Sunday supplements in a feature calledArmour's Armory. Many of Armour's poems have been repeatedly and incorrectly attributed to Nash. Probably Armour's most-quoted poem (often incorrectly attributed to Nash) is the quatrain:"Shake and shake / thecatsup bottle / none will come / and then a lot'll." Another popular quatrain of his, also usually attributed erroneously to Nash, is:"Nothing attracts / the mustard from wieners / as much as the slacks / just back from the cleaners."

Armour also wrote satirical books, such asTwisted Tales from Shakespeare, and his ersatz history of the United States,It All Started With Columbus. These books were typically filled with puns and plays on words, and gave the impression of someone who had not quite been paying attention in class, thus also getting basic facts not quite right, to humorous effect.

As an example: "In an attempt to takeBaltimore, theBritish attackedFort McHenry, which protected the harbor. Bombs were soon bursting in air, rockets were glaring, and all in all it was a moment of great historical interest. During the bombardment, a young lawyer namedFrancis "Off" Key wroteThe Star-Spangled Banner, and when, by the dawn's early light, the British heard it sung, they fled in terror."

It All Started with Europa begins in the wilderness full of "fierce animals ready to spring and fierce birds ready to chirp."

It All Started with Marx includes the rabble-rousingLenin declaring in public "Two pants with every suit!," "Two suits with every pants!" and "TheTsar is a tsap!"

It All started with Eve quotesNapoleon as writing in a letter "Do you [Joséphine ] miss me? I hope the enemyartillery does."

His bookThe Classics Reclassified includes take-offs on works such asThe Iliad,Julius Caesar byWilliam Shakespeare,David Copperfield byCharles Dickens, etc.; each take-off is prefaced by a short biography of the work's author in the same style. For Shakespeare, it says he "wasbaptized April 26, 1564. When he was born is disputed, but anyone who argues that it was after this date is just being difficult."

Armour's books are typically written in a style parodying dull academic tomes, with many footnotes (funny in themselves), fake bibliographies, quiz sections, and glossaries. This style was pioneered by the British humoristsW. C. Sellar andR. J. Yeatman with their parody of British history1066 and All That in the 1930s.

A preface of one book noted "The reader will not encounter any half-truths, but may occasionally encounter a truth-and-a-half."

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Collections

• Armour, Richard (1942).Yours for the asking.
• — (1944).Privates' lives.
• — (1946).Golf bawls.
• — (1946).Leading with my left. Caricatures by Joseph Forte.
• — (1950).For partly proud parents.
• — (1954).Light Armour : playful poems on practically everything.
• — (1958).Nights with Armour : lighthearted light verse.
• — (1963).The medical muse, or what to do until the patient comes.
• — (1964).An armoury of light verse.
• — (1975).The spouse in the house.

Anthologies (edited)

• Armour, Richard, ed. (1966).Punctured poems : famous first and infamous second lines. Illustrated byEric Gurney.

List of poems

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In 1957, Armour appeared on the television game showYou Bet Your Life. After introductions, hostGroucho Marx repeated the show's famous catch-phrase, "Say the secret word, win a hundred dollars." Each episode of the show had a secret, common word (e.g.home,head,door) and if the contestant said the word during his/her interview, then the partnered contestants would each get $50. In this particular case, Armour caught the host in a semantic trap, by immediately stating, "The secret word." He then demanded his $100. After a very brief moment of confusion the band broke out with a short medley indicating that the secret word had been said. Announcer and assistantGeorge Fenneman then arrived on camera and turned to Armour, "From the C.O. over here that we will allowyou to do what you just did. But nobody else better try this. That's what they said." Armour replied, "Thank you, very much." And Fenneman left the frame and responded, "You're welcome," quickly caught himself, and almost cut himself off stating, "I had nothing to do with it." Normally when the secret word is said, Groucho immediately hands over cash. He did not hand over the cash and it's unclear if they paid Armour the bonus even after Armour and his partner won the game. He also composed the following poem that he read to Groucho.

To Groucho

Most poets write of Meadowlarks
I sing instead of Groucho Marx
His lustrous eyes, each like a star
His noble brow, his sweet cigar
His manly stride, his soft moustache
His easy way with sponsors' cash
His massive shoulders, brawny arms
His intellect, his many charms
In short, unless the truth I stray from
A man to keep your wife away from.

He also recited a couple of other humorous poems on the program.

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• 1906 births
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• American humorous poets
• Claremont Graduate University faculty
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• Scripps College faculty
• 20th-century American poets

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