My loyal readers (both of them) probably see me as a bit of a tech curmudgeon - railing against everything I don't like, while rarely contributing anything positive to the community. ButTODAY that all comes to an end.TODAY I'm releasing a major open source JavaScript framework that I honestly believe will change the way that weall code.TODAY I release (drum roll, please)...

WheelJS

It's a lot easier toshow you what WheelJS is, rather than trying totell you. So let's just dive into some code samples:

// setting variablesconstcurrentYear=()=>2020;constfavoriteFood=()=>'ice cream';constmyData=()=>{foo:'bar',john:'doe};const weekdays = () => ['Monday','Tuesday','Wednesday','Thursday','Friday'];

Are you excited yet? I'mpretty sure you're excited. I can "feel" it.

You've probably noticed thateverything is a function. In WheelJS, there are no scalar values. No objects. No arrays. There are just functions. If we need, say, a string, then we write a function that returns a string.

This is clearly and obviously superior to antiquated JavaScript. JavaScript is supposed to be afunctional language, right? And yet, this so-called "functional language" allows you to define variablescompletely free of functions. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that all this "functional programming" babble is just some kinda counter-intelligence disinformation campaign. But WheelJS fixes all that insanity.

You're welcome.

Let's look at a few of WheelJS's basic operators:

// additionconstnumber1=()=>19;constnumber2=()=>12;constnumber3=()=>1;constsum=add(number1,number2,number3);console.log(sum)// outputs 32 (19 + 12 + 1)

WheelJS'sadd() function accepts two-to-many arguments, but each of those arguments must be a function. In fact, in WheelJS:

Every argument, to every function, must itself be a function. You're allowed toreturn any data type you choose. But if you ensure that all of yourreturn types are ALSO functions...?? Well then, we'll invite you to speak at the next coding conference, where we'll record a mind-numbing 2.5-hour video of you explaining the process to an awkwardly-silent crowd.

// divisionconstnumber1=()=>23;constnumber2=()=>0;constresult=divide(number1,number2);console.log(result);// outputs 42 (23 / 0)// Yes!  You read that correctly!// WheelJS CAN divide by zero!

WheelJS'sdivide() function accepts two-to-many arguments, with the first argument being divided by the second, which is in-turn divided by the third, etc.

For everything that you can do with nasty-ol' JavaScript, there's an equivalent way to do it in WheelJS. Except... it's notreally equivalent. Because it'sbetter!

For example, with WheelJS, we don't usefetch(). We usepirate().pirate() is superior, first because it only accepts functions as arguments, and second because it discards all that icky CORS overhead that gives developers so many headaches. Do you want to re-create Amazon? But you don't have millions of dollars in venture capital and years to spend in the grueling work of actuallybuilding a company? Then just usepirate()!

WheelJS is completely incompatible with, quite literally,every other JavaScript package ever written or distributed. That's right. I've just freed you from ever having to worry again about NPM, Yarn, Bowser, Babel, React, Angular -ALL OF IT.

No more hunting down circular dependencies. No more chasing security patches pertaining to obscure packages. No more worrying about when your favorite library might force a migration to Hooks. No more fiddling with Webpack configs. No more of...any of it. Now you are free to write your code exclusively in The Next Great Programming Paradigm - WheelJS.

You're welcome.

FAQ

There's really too much here to absorb in one post. So it might be helpful to cover some of the most common questions:

Is WheelJS performant?

I did a JSPerf this morning comparing WheelJS'sadd() function to JavaScript's inferior+ operator. Over several billion operations, WheelJS was the clear winner - bydozens of microseconds. I'll get around to posting those results pretty soon, but you're not gonna be "that guy", are you? Surely you're not going to hang onto yourdying JavaScript until the full performance results are posted??

Where can I find more documentation for WheelJS?

WheelJS uses a revolutionary, in-browser, run-time documentation system. Open the "developer tools" in your favorite browser, navigate to the "Console", and type:console.log(). That's it! You can put damn-near anything you want into that function (Look! Anotherfunction!!) and it will tell you everything you need to know.

You said that WheelJS is incompatible with Jest (or any other package, for that matter). So what should I use to write unit/integration tests?

Testing is for people who write crappy code. Don't be one of those people. Besides, WheelJS intuitively helps you write better, cleaner, more-bug-free code. If you're using WheelJS and you'restill finding bugs in your code, you might want to seriously consider a fulfilling career as a business analyst.

I installed WheelJS, but I couldn't find any core function that would allow me to create aclass. How can I do that with WheelJS?

Did you not read all the times that we talked aboutfunctions? How many times do we have to spell it out for you? Are you even paying attention? Classes are stooopid. Functions are awesome. Are you stooopid? Do youwant to be stooopid? (Jeez... What'swrong with you??)

Our team makes heavy use of TypeScript. How can I ensure type-safety in WheelJS?

Great question! (And also kinda stooopid - because you really weren't paying much attention to the examples above.) There isone data type in WheelJS - theFUNCTION! That's reallyall you need. Sure... those functions can, maybe, theoretically,return other types of data. But why would you want to do that?? Just makeeverything a function - and then you don't need to worry at all about any of that complicated "type-safety" garbage.

I'm excited about WheelJS, but the other people on my team are very skeptical and they don't want to use it. What should I do?

This kind of question can only come from ajunior developer - because those of us who've been around a while already know the answer. You mustSHAME THEM into compliance. Tech innovation has only ever happened one way: Once you get excited about a potential technology, you have to talk down to anyone who doesn't agree with you. Fill the Slack channel with blog articles that support your current obsession. Any time anyone so-much-asmentions any other approach, chuckle dismissively under your breath. Look at their code and make passive-aggressive comments like, "Ohhhh... You're styling codinglike that?" Bombard them with far-flung edge cases that somehow "prove" that your opinion is superior. If all else fails, there's nothing wrong with some good ol' fashioned bullying. Anything's conscionable if it ultimately serves the higher goal of bringing a superior technology onboard - a technology... like WheelJS.

Is WheelJS stable? How active is the repo?

In some respects, I've been working on WheelJS for my whole life. But rest assured, that I'm still updating it on a daily basis. With continuous integration, I typically deploy at least twice per day. Those deployments are reasonably, umm... "stable" - for at least an hour or two - until some annoying "security researcher" sends out some stooopid alert about some supposed, possible, alleged "critical vulnerability" in the latest release. (I have it on good authority that some of these so-called "security researchers" are, in fact, members of the core React team. I even suspect - although I can't yet prove it - that many of these bogus WheelJS "critical vulnerability" reports originate directly from Dan Abramov.) On good days, I can threaten enough of them, fast enough, that they shut up and let the development rest for a little while. On bad days, I can sometimes be forced to release patches several times per hour.

But wait... Whereis the WheelJS repo??

WheelJS utilizes a first-of-its-kindrecursive deployment strategy. This means that, to install WheelJS, you just need to start froman existing WheelJS implementation and run this line of codewheelJs(). You can run that fromwithin a JavaScript file, or directly from the command line. You can even embed it in the query string of any file served overlocalhost. Or you can say it three times, while clicking your heels. Assuming that the current machine already has an active WheelJS installation in place, this command will, in fact, install the code as a service.

If WheelJS just allows me to do all the same stuffthat I could already do in core JavaScript, then why would I install an entirely new package just to do the same thing?

You really haven't been payingany attention to JavaScript over the last 15-or-so years,have you???