This is a humorousessay. It containshumorous advice or opinions of one or more Wikipedia contributors and isn't meant to be taken seriously. This is not an encyclopedia article or one ofWikipedia's policies or guidelines and may not representcommunity consensus.

We've had so many discussions about redesigning the main page, we may as well throw it in the bin. Akin to being unable to decide on a colour for the walls of the downstairs loo, why buy another set ofFarrow and Ball paint swabs when you can simply bomb the room out instead? It saves time and effort. It's one more set of curtains I don't have to buy. Can't argue about wallpaper colours if the walls aren'tthere. Below is a manifesto arguing for just that...

1. Multiple (endless) (countless) discussions about the Main Page ([insert arguments from historical archives here][1][2][3][...][50]) have rendered themselves fruitless. Akin to squabbling with your siblings at Legoland in the middle of the summer, if we can't stop fighting over it, Jimbo will take us home early without going through the gift shop first. Can't argue over the Main Page if there isn't a Main Page to argue over.

   
2. We've had so many discussions about how best to direct new usersaround Wikipedia on the Main Page, too. Why not get rid of it? When I'm rewiring a plug socket, I make sure to test it with a fork first; by the time I've come round from the eletrocution from the live wire, I know if the power's live or if I need to put 50p in the meter. But get this; I could cut out the middleman, streamline thiswhole process, by simply wiring my phone directly onto the mains withno off switch. I'd never run out of charge again. By interfacing in the same waydirectly with Wikipedia, I'msure we could make the same user improvements...

   
3. Many editors wasteyears of their lives bumping up their edit counters just to get a coveted spot on the list of users with the most edits. Stuff that. Did you know there's aspecial page for special editors who do special things to Wikipedia? By deleting the Main Page, you too could be top of your very own "look at me" list. I want my notoriety and I want it now!

   
4. Look. I'm not saying it gets you entry into the Cabal. But I'm notnot saying it.
5. Abstinence-from-arguing-about-the-Main-Page-only educationworks. Wouldn't it be better to remove that temptation? If your Main Page causes you to sin, cut it out. I'm sure that's in the New Testament somewhere. Here, sign my editing purity pledge...

   
6. Dost thou not know that, of the main page, its very presence is promotional of that such material deleterious to one's health? Why submit ye to the Russian roulette wheel of sin and iniquity, through the Featured Article segment? Why promote ye the Did Ye Know section? Do not be deceived: Neither the readers of the articlessexually immoral, nor idolators of the Featured Picture section, nor those who partake of the "Onne Thise Daye" portion will inherit the Kingdom of Jimbo.

   
7. Hey, kid. Psst. Over here! Ssh, keep it down. Don't tell anyone, but I found this secret Gospel fragment in the Vatican archives...

Why seek ye the featured among the read ⸢articles⸣? Are not five featured articles delisted in two minutes? And not one of them is deleted and forgotten before Jimbo. Why, even the stub and the unassessed articles are counted. There is neither featured or unfeatured, listed or delisted, assessed or unassessed, for they are all one in Wikipedia.

... it's whatthey don't want you to know!

• Wikipedia: Don't delete the main page

• Humorous Wikipedia essays