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The beautiful tale begins on The Den (children's programme presented by human Ray D'Arcyand aliens Zig and Zag) many moons ago. Zag's latest meandering stroll brings him to the backof an old magician's shop. Lying discarded in a box amongst the rubbish is a smelly old ventriloquist'sdummy. Zag takes a liking to the little fellow, and brings him home, intending to pursue a careerin ventriloquism. (Except he can't quite pronounce it.) All goes swimmingly well at first - he christenshis little friend "Podge", and is given his own slot on The Den, where he performs. Badly. Zig isnot happy at all with the level of attention Podge is receiving, and cruelly nicknames him "Sponge",often goading along to the theme tune to "The Sponge & Zag Show" (as he would have it) :

"Podge and Zag, Podge and Zag, Podge and Zag, the Podge and Zag show, Podge and Zag, they're really funny, Podge and Zag, the Podge and Zag show"

Needless to say, all is not as it seems. Podge is not a lifeless puppet. He first rears his head,unnoticed, as Zag finishes another dumb game of "where is he?", "I'm in the box". The immortal firstwords uttered by Podge on television were

"Aren't you a smelly stupid ugly alien? Uh uh uh uh ...."

The evil one then targets Zig (rightly, considering the abuse he suffered at the Zogabongs of thedim beige one), prompting the alien to steal a bicycle ondisplay as the prize in some kids' competition. Podge promises Zig friendship in return, as heembarks on his evil campaign to take over the Den. He is relatively successful, gaining control ofthe programme, but rapidly overthrown by the crew, who are to believe that he is banishedforever, unable to harm them again. The motherfucker was only starting......

Having been exposed as the evil twisted being that he is by his last unfortunate owner, Podgecould obviously not return to The Den in normal attire. He was forced to turn to one of his manyskills - disguise. Over the coming years, he would return to haunt the Den crew in variousdifferent incarnations. As a leprechaun on St. Patrick's Day, he taunted all and sundry - " Isuppose you think I'm Podge or something?"

It was bad enough that Podge had to deal with a smarmy git presenter along with 2 stupidsmelly smug aliens, but he really could have done without an interfering fucking dog. Or, to bemore precise, a zog. Zuppy, infernal blue and pink pet of the aliens, had been a present fromtheir planet, Zog. Apart from chasing cats and barking in an annoyingly high-pitched voice, thezog was good for fuck all. Except whilst rummaging in the rubbish the very next day, he cameacross a pile of letters. Upon inspection, his masters found them to be the Christmas Letters fromZig, Michael Michaelson, Peter Peterson and all the other dwellers of Celebrity Square.Recognising the scale of the disaster, the 3 took it upon themselves to travel to The North Pole,deliver the letters to Santa himself, and thus save Christmas in a blaze of brilliance. A meresetback to Podge, who was waiting for the interfering clowns in the snow.....

His first appearance was a rude receptionist in the hotel where the adventurers shacked up. Aftergetting rid of all enquiries, stating "I don't speak a word of English", he was less than helpful toDaddy Ray, who tried to find out where Santa could be found. He then took over a small cabin,and in the guise of a clued-up local, recommended the use of a bottom-sleigh, before accusingD'Arcy of making fun of him just because he was foreign. Typically, the 2 aliens wereinterfering with some success, finding the location of Santa thanks to some holidaying brats. The3 readied themselves outside the cabin, and rushed in, spilling out their story breathlessly to theportly figure in red and white. Who replied with "ho ho ho oh really?"

The malevolent one, complete with white beard and all the requisite accessories, set off on amarvelous tirade, ridiculing Christmas and the whole concept of spreading joy and givingpresents and happiness, claiming that Podge is "quite nice, really", and threatening interruptingaliens with extreme violence - "see this hand? Your face, this hand - BANG!! Then it'll all beover for you, smarty!" He then officially canceled Christmas, despite howls of objection. As the3 dejectedly made their way out, he cackled and hurled derision at their pathetic stories, muttering something about reindeer burgers. In thecold snow outside, Ray remembered his own Christmas List, and went back inside to hand itover, regardless of what Mr. Claus has said. He was greeted with the sight of "Santa" bent over alarge wooden chest, taunting whatever was inside - "you're staying in the box! You're not comingout until the 26^th - don't like that quite as much as the 25^th, do we?" D'Arcy made his way quietlyacross the room, grabbed the figure in red, and wrestled him to the floor. In the ensuing scuffle,Podge appeared to have the upper hand ("you'll NEVER win!!!!"), but once more the twointerfering aliens got in on the act, and between them, they managed to restrain the screamingbundle of energy. The wooden chest was opened, and the accosted figure of Santa helped out. Herecounted the story of how Podge had imprisoned him with a view to wrecking Christmas for theworld, and thanked the 3 adventurers for saving the holiday. For some unknown reason, the crewstupidly left Podge tied in a bag on a woodland slope, and were unaware as they fleeced aroundon a sleigh, that he was laughing away to himself, dreaming up his next scheme, and promisingrevenge.

Almost equaling his first Christmas deviance in terms of brilliance, ingenuity and disruption washis gatecrashing appearance on the Den Is Ten celebrations. The show was commemorating 10years of broadcasting, and hence organised a massive shindig, where they shipped in loads ofscreaming childer, all the characters that had appeared over the years, and some of their morespecial guests. Security was tight, for fear of Podge showing up and wrecking things foreveryone. As if security was going to make a difference....

The first indication of trouble camewhen Ray read out a letter he had received earlier that week, from someone called PatrickEgdop. Mr. Egdop claimed that The Podge & Zag show had been his favourite over all the years,that Podge was better than Zag, but that he would unfortunately be unable to make it to theparty. Zag reminded us all of exactly what Podge had been - "a ventriloquist's dummy who wentmad." With that, Podge slid up from under the desk - "oh I'm Patrick Egdop, I could make it inthe end." No-one suspects anything (such is the excellence of his yellow hat disguise) except forthat damned interfering dog. Mr. Egdop responds to the dog's fervent barking by declaring that "Ilove a dog sandwich.....I mean, I love the dog's language, the barking." Ray tries to confirm thestranger's name - "Your name is Patrick Egdop?" "That's what I said, isn't it, stupid?" He claimsto have enjoyed the Den for 100 years, before being told that it is only 10 years old. "Oh did I?I'm so forgetful, and young, and innocent." He eyeballs Zag before informing him that he smells.He is asked to greet the hordes of screaming brats : "oh hello boys and girls, you stupid lot!!....Imean, I love you a lot. That's what I meant." Ray asks him another question and is branded a"stupid presenter." The dog continues to bark in the background - "shut up you stupid dog!!!" Hethen decides to "go into the crowd, and just mingle", and he disappears. While the crew are leftin no doubt that it was Podge who had been playing with them, he is off planning his nextassault.

Radio D.J. Simon Young appears to celebrate his time on The Den as a Pop Gossipexpert, and the evil one appears in a new disguise - a "Menace" woolly hat. He claims to be justa little boy, who's a bit lost. Twisted children's music plays in the background as he milks thesympathy offered all around. He denies that he looks like previous guest Patrick Egdop at all."What is your name?" "Po - Po - Po - Paul. I've been a big fan of Simon Young's for 100 years."He is given the necessary directions to find his way out again, but remains, muttering "stupidbird" to the turkey under his breath. Unhappy with the level of attention he is getting as the showgoes on, he shouts "don't mind me!!", before headbutting the turkey viciously. Twice. He isrebuked, and restrained. "I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me. It won't happenagain." The penny drops with Zig, ("wait a minute, wait a minute - it's blooming Podge!!"), andthe mysterious intruder once again disappears into thin air.

His final appearance is as Boyzone member KeithDuffy - having phoned the set to inform them of his impending arrival. He slides up from underthe desk in a baseball cap - "howya, I'm Keith from Boyzone." He is thanked for coming along tothe show - "ah yeah, no problem, turkey breath." "What do you mean, I've changed?" He eyeballsZag once more. "Did you just touch me? Did you just touch me on the shoulder? This is a £5000jacket, and you have to buy me a new one." He mutters away about a stupid bird once more. Thebaying crowd is told to shut up, again. He is asked to sing a few bars of top tune "Coming HomeNow", which is performed as "The Den is stupid.....The Den is stupid." He headbutts Dustinagain, and is restrained. As soon as he is let go, he launches into the hapless turkey again, beforedisappearing. He can be heard roaring "stupid eejits!!" in the background. With his work donefor the day, he leaves.

With Rodge by now firmly on board, Podge could attempt even more dramatic and daring feats.The following Christmas (1996), the Den crew threw a party in Dustin's grand-uncle's Cranberry Lodge,inviting Zig and Zag over from England, pop group O.T.T., and all the regulars from Den T.V.The perfect opportunity to spoil another Christmas, in other words.

Amongst Podge and Rodge'spreparation was to switch the crackers for their own brand, complete with cruel jokes guaranteed to disturb the party - what do you get if you cross Dustin with a fox? A fox. The 2 boys wereoutdoors, watching the festivities, and began their abductions with the infernal Zuppy. Withremarkable impressions of cats ("Miaow! I'm a cat! Miaowww!!!"), they lured the stupid dogoutdoors, informed him that dogs have one life as opposed to cats who have nine, and with criesof "hasta la vista, fleabag", they clocked him. He was thrown into an old broom cupboard.O.T.T. were the next to go, with the 2 boys fooling them into believing that they were simperingscreaming female fans. They got the popsters to pose for a photograph, say "disappear!", andthat's exactly what they did.

Shortly afterwards, there was a knock at the door, and in walkedDerek and Thelma from "Live at 5", who demanded boiled eggs, and labeled the party, theturkey, the pig etc. stupid in turn. Dustin informed them of all the goodwill and Christmas cheer atthe party, to which Thelma replied "Hubaloo!" She quickly turned this to "where's the loo?".Sock Monster Sokky had been missing the musical card that his best friend Thomas had given tohim, and became most excited upon suddenly hearing the tune. Thelma claimed it was the musicalhandbag that Derek had given to her for Christmas. Derek announced his desire for a duvetstuffed with turkey feathers, before the two disappeared as chaos ensued. Some time later, therewas a load creaking in the attic. High-pitched pig Snotser, trying to crack on to pop specialistEmma, offered to go and check it out for her. Once in the attic, he found Podge in a rockingchair, shouting "creak, creak!!" with a pig's nose strapped to his face. "Who are you?" "Ah I'mSnotser, the pig thing." "Ah so am I!". Podge then asked the pig if he'd mind if his Christmas waswrecked for him. The stupid pig said "no", and tied himself up. Podge went downstairs, toldthem he was Snotface, and disappeared as Sokky's card began to play again in the background.

Pop specialist Emma was the next to go, as she answered a phone call from her new hair stylist,Rodriguez. (Her old stylist had apparently gone camping). He claimed that she looked like shehad been dragged through a hedge backwards screaming, and proposed to come over with hismousse and gel, and to work a bit of his "hocus pocus." In the bathroom, Podge was standing inthe mirror, complete with black wig, and moved according to the distressed woman who wasappalled at her haggard appearance. Needless to say, it was off to the broom cupboard with heras well. Sokky then noticed his prize blue bucket floating outside by the window. He went out toretrieve it, and was whacked around the fur. Aunt Monica ran screaming into the kitchenworrying about her cake, and came back out decidedly shorter and plumper, and declared thather cake was grand. She called Dustin a "silly overstuffed goose", but quickly changing it to "oh,that anorak's looking a bit loose." Zag is enticed into the kitchen to help her with the food, andasked if he has scabies. ("I mean, he'd look well in navy.") She then turns to the turkey with acruel tale of stuffing and seasoning, headbutts him and disappears. Next, the Easter Bunny callsto the door - "enough of that seasonal rubbish!!" Ray suggests that he has his dates mixed up -"don't tell me how to do my job!" The bunny cons Zig into giving him a hand, and he too ends upin the cupboard. Next to knock on the door are a short, plump Santa and Dudolph the (baaing)blue-nosed reindeer. ("I'm in a song"). Meanwhile, in the cupboard, Snotser produces a torch,and locates a Really Secret Escape Route. As you do. They all escape, and tell their tale. Podgeand Rodge are still in the room, and shocked as the real Santa crawls out of another cupboard,thus scuppering their plans. They disappear into thin air, and curse their luck outside as the partygets into full swing once more. Artist Don Conroy then pulls up in his car, looking for the party.The two boys sense an opportunity to wreak one last piece of havoc - "we'll show you, Mr.Corduroy. We'll take the scenic route...."

Inspector : "Have you got a dog, by any chance, in the kitchen?"

Fools : "Yes, we have actually."

Inspector : "Oh really, like a dog sandwich?" (The first instance of his dogabilistic intentions...)

Fools : "No, he works in the kitchen."

Inspector : "Oh no. Oh no no no no...........I'll be around in the morning for a routine inspection."

He turned up the next day, complete with tweed jacket, overbearing wig, spectacles andclipboard. Seeing that he was not responding to bribes, the vicious turkey took to head-buttingthe inspector - the start of a long history of violence between the two. The inspector was havingnone of it - "did you just tap me on the shoulder? Right, that's it, the whole gin joint is gonnahave to be closed down." And close it down he did....

His next appearance was as a moaning taxi-driver, who didn't mind the fact that his customersfrom No.10 Celebrity Square always seemed to be late, because it gave him an opportunity tolean in the window, and have a good old bitch about "insufferable bores" he had driven in thepast, unavailable car parts etc.

1996-The first appearance of Rodge occurred after a particularly classic episode involving Podgeon The Den. He showed up, without any apparent reason, and did little else besides loll around and insult allpresent throughout the show. The old Scent of Man whiff, along with his increasingly rudebehaviour eventually gave him away, and the crew had surprisingly little difficulty in securinghim, before settling down and waiting for the police to arrive. A lone sergeant pulled up to the treehouse with a greatracket, and ensured the dwellers that he could take care of matters from there on. Despite beinga dead ringer for the mirthful one bound hand and foot in the corner, the Den mob scratchedtheir heads, wondering who it was that Sergeant Rodge reminded them of, and if he too was wearingScent of Man. As they attempted to get on with the show, the other 2 laughed away to themselves, swapped crypticcomments, and generally behaved in a manner unsuited to an officer of the law and his prisoner.Head Honcho Ray rebuked Podge for his apparent carefree attitude towards the long arm of thelaw, and claimed that a spell in the slammer was just what the pup needed. With that, SergeantRodge hauled the cackling offender away, and sniggeringly informed the onlooking victims thatthey had nothing to worry about.

Some time later, Ray suspected nothing when intended rocking pop guests the Carter Twinsanswered "he's Brian, and I'm Declan", and minutes later "Robbie and Jack" when he asked them to introducethemselves. The fact that they could not sing, or that they also reeked of Scent of Man still didn'tgive the game away. It was only when the Carter Twins' manager rang the Den, to apologise forthe fact that his clients wouldn't be able to make it that day, that the penny dropped. A scufflefollowed, and the 2 brats escaped once more cackling and ridiculing.

And so, to connect their illustrious past with what they do now. The two reside in BallydungManor (phone no. Ballydung 666), which is occasionally accidentally referred to as BallydungAsylum. It can be found just off the bypass, past Ballywank. Rumour has it that their parents leftthem in the asylum many years ago, and in revenge, Rodge took an axe to them both. But nobodies were ever found. Their Granny, (or a psychiatric nurse who went mad after caring forthem), lives downstairs. They have a cat, Pox, who suffers from rabies, the pox, and extremeviolence at the hands of its 2 owners. Their hobbies include cock fighting and exorcisms - FatherFlange occasionally does special sessions. And their aim is to host a chat show when A Scare AtBedtime has run its course. (Their CV suffered no harm during a special broadcast during Telethon 98, which saw the two giving details ofevents in Ballydung involving dolphins and blow-holes).

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