Pat L. chants "You f***ed up! You f***ed up!" while writing this:
In my defense, they tried the restraining order angle a week ago in Salt Lake City, Utah. But, you have a point.
WCW -- With Less Faces Than Rod Stewart's Old Band.
We see some clips from the Great American Bash.
Some police officers and a limo arrive backstage. Out comes Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo and the newly-turned Goldberg.
Tonight's show is from Richmond, Virginia.
Your announcers are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden and a shirtless Scott Hudson, as punishment for making fun of Vince Russo without his shirt on. That isso disgusting.
R&B make their way out for The Nightly Ego Boost.
Bischoff brags about his "surprise."
Bischoff says that Goldberg and the New Blood have something in common.
Bischoff talks about how the Millionaires said that they got their spots back while Goldberg was injured.
Bischoff says that Goldberg proved last night that he is the team player to end all team players.
Bischoff says that Goldberg is sick of the fans.
Bischoff calls Goldberg out.
Goldberg walks out to the ring.
The early verdict shows that the fans don't approve.
Goldberg: "Don't ask me why... the question is, why the hell not."
Goldberg talks about people in the back wanting to knife him.
Goldberg says the fans did nothing but cheer everyone else.
Goldberg holds the fans responsible for what happened to him.
Goldberg signed a deal with the devil, he says.
Goldberg has two words for the fans: Fear This.
Wolfpac music brings out "Top Face" Kevin Nash.
Nash gets the mic and says something that gets muted.
Nash says the fans are tired of listening to his [shit].
Nash calls Goldberg a stupid son of a bitch and says he doesn't even know who made him.
Nash says that the company gave Goldberg everything on a silver platter.
Nash says that Sting, Scott Hall, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair and Kevin Nash made Goldberg.
Goldberg is denying this in the ring, of course.
Nash says he had plans tonight, but won't leave the building without Goldberg's blood on his hands.
Nash charges the ring, but Richmond's finest intercept and handcuff him.
Russo says he doesn't want Nash arrested but released in his custody.
Russo says Nash and Goldberg will face off tonight.
The cops drag Nash off, despite not being "arrested."
Either Russo is very impatient about the blowoff, or we will have a non-match for the main event.
Jarrett speaks to The Cat in the back and tells him to grant Hollywood Hogan's title shot for Bash At The Beach tonight. Oh, Lord no.
Russo yells at Kevin Nash in a squad car and bitches at Nash's nephew. This prompts Scott Steiner to chase Russo out of the scene.
We go to the three-shot.
Vince Russo will face Ric Flair inanother retirement match.
The Jarrett/Hollywood title match will be at the top of the hour.
We see the Hardcore title switch from last Monday. The Mamalukes are now the titleholders.
Match #1: WCW Hardcore Champion Big Vito vs. Terry Funk
In the back, Big Vito locks Johnny The Bull in his dressing room and walks towards the ring.
Funk interrupts Vito with a trash can.
Some brawling takes place.
Vito rams Funk into a large steel door.
Funk does the same and lowers the door on Vito.
Funk then smashes Vito with a chair.
Uhh, if Vito was pinned under the door, wouldn't the smart thing be to cover him?
Anyway, Funk brains a security guy with the chair.
The wrestlers are walking into another area of the back.
Funk hits Vito with a water bottle, sending him into a table which breaks.
As they arrive in the arena area, Vito takes control with a trash can.
Funk flees into one of the Nitro Girls cages, and Vito follows with punches.
Vito decks Funk as he holds onto the cage.
Funk finally falls onto a set of tables in a completely non-contrived spot. Yeah.
Vito jabs Funk with a chair and brings him to the aisle.
Vito decks Funk and brings a table from under the ring.
Funk with a scientific move -- the ballshot.
The table is placed along the ring apron, and Funk is rammed into it.
Vito rolls Funk into the ring.
Vito sets up the table outside the ring.
A chair is set up in the ring, and Vito does his Impaler on it.
Vito punches Funk in the midsection and chairs him.
With Funk draped over the rope, Vito piledrives him onto the table for the win.
YOUR WINNER: Big Vito via piledriver in 6:13.
Post-match, Funk grabs the Hardcore Title from referee Jamie Tucker.
Funk gives the title to Vito and shakes his hand.
Vito raises Funk's arm and gives him a thumbs-up.
As Funk turns to leave the ring, Vito brains him with the belt and beats on him some more.
That was the proper way to do a post-match beating by the way.
The Cat searches for Hollywood Hogan.
In a truly surreal moment, Vampiro speaks to a hooded guy in the back.
Vampiro tells Strange, Hooded Guy that he did his job, but Hooded Guy says otherwise.
Didn't WCW learn their lesson with the Dungeon of Doom about these type of angles?!?
An apprehended Kevin Nash tells Scott Steiner to take care of his nephew.
Match #2: Shane Douglas and Buff Bagwell vs. Kronic
They show us Douglas beating The Wall from last night.
Douglas: "Franchises do not make excuses!" So, why is the Whopper better than the Big Mac, then?
Douglas talks about how he fulfilled a guarantee in beating The Wall.
Douglas talks about his partner, who was away from WCW for "reasons that suck."
Douglas brings out Buff Bagwell.
Buff goes for the face pop.
Buff says he has unsettled business with a pain in the ass called "Colonic."
Kronic walks out.
It's a brawl to start.
Buff gets dumped and now it's Douglas and Adams in the ring.
Adams with a kick as Douglas comes off the ropes.
Adams with a gorilla press slam.
Adams pummels Douglas in the corner and follows with a biel.
Tag to Clarke.
Clarke throws Douglas into the corner and kicks away on him.
Clarke with a pair of chops.
Clarke hits a back elbow off the ropes.
Clarke kicks Douglas and goes for the Meltdown, but Buff makes the save.
Douglas gets out of a slam and gives Clarke a Russian Legsweep.
Douglas with his rolling necksnap and a tag to Buff.
Buff's a heel-on-fire, despite the fact that Buff gets a face pop.
Buff hits the Blockbuster on Clarke.
Douglas tags Buff in for no reason.
Douglas goes for the Pittsburgh Plunge but Adams makes the save.
Buff comes in to help but gets killed.
Kronic hits High Times on Douglas for the win.
YOUR WINNERS: Kronic via High Times in 3:16.
Post-match, Douglas and Buff get into a war of words.
Douglas and Buff slap hands, and Douglas blindsides his partner.
Douglas rants at Buff and stomps on him.
Heel turnz r001! * sigh *
The Cat asks Doug Dillenger if he's seen Hollywood Hogan.
Cat tells Doug Dillenger that he's got to cut down on those donut rings because Dillenger needs a diet.
Cat says he's going to sit in a chair nearby until Hogan arrives.
Gene Okerlund talks to Billy Kidman.
Gene talks about Hollywood's title shot tonight.
Kidman says the match might need a special referee.
We hold a special press conference for TAFKA Prince Iaukea.
Apparently, TAFKA Prince Iaukea is now The Artist.
Paisley feels something under the table and drags out someone hidden underneath, who happens to be Pops Morrus.
Pops tells Paisley that he just wants some pie (while holding a pie in his hand).
Paisley slaps the pie in his hand in his face, and Artist follows with a stomp.
That was so not funny.
Match #3: WCW Cruiserweight Champion Chavo Guerrero, Jr. (w/ the Misfits in Action and Pops Rection) vs. The Artist (w/ Paisley)
Hugh Morrus talks about how The Artist messed with his grandfather.
As The Artist comes out, Paisley challenges Chavo, Jr. to a Cruiserweight Title match.
It's a slugfest to start.
Chavo controls for a short time, but Artist comes back.
Artist with some punches in the corner but Chavo counters.
Chavo goes up top and hits a missile dropkick for two.
Artist with a low-blow headbutt.
Artist with some punches.
Chavo reverses a whip and sets Artist up for the Shattered Dreams.
Chavo with a nice somersault kick.
Chavo calls in Major Gunns for the usual.
Before the field goal can be kicked, Paisley runs in.
Gunns kicks Paisley in the nether regions.
Artist with a dropkick from behind for two.
Artist charges at Chavo in the corner but eats boot.
Tornado DDT finishes off The Artist.
YOUR WINNER: Chavo Guerrero, Jr. via Tornado DDT in 2:26.
Post-match, Pops goes for mouth-to-mouth on Paisley but the MIA pull him off.
I'm going with a full point for the clean finish alone.
Ric Flair and family pull up backstage.
Russo has a surprise of four women for Goldberg, but he doesn't want them.
The Cat tells Hollywood Hogan that he has a title shot for him tonight. Jeff Jarrett runs in with a guitar shot.
We also see Horace Hogan laid out in the back.
Vince Russo and David Flair walk out.
From last Monday, Vince Russo earns his pay by getting chopped on by Ric Flair.
Russo also gets beat up at the PPV.
Russo tells David that he is proud of his son's performance.
Russo tells the crowd to show David some respect for his work last night.
The crowd boos.
Russo says he is tired of being everyone's punching bag everyday.
Russo says he's from New York, damnit.
Russo shows off his arms and says he isn't taking it anymore.
Russo says the abuse will end tonight in Richmond with Ric Flair.
Russo says that he is not a damn lamb chop and that Ric will not chop him again.
Russo says he's going to have a stroke or a heart attack before this ends.
Russo says that he is going to retire Ric.
Ric Flair walks out.
Ric says this isn't New York, but Richmond, VA.
Ric says he's got all the cards and that he's a free man.
Ric tells Russo to jump on someone else.
Russo tells Ric that he hates him and breaks down.
Ric tells Russo that his wife looked at him and said to him that he isn't Space Mountain.
Ric tells David to go home because it's over.
Russo says he wants Ric, to which Ric responds.
Ric says if he beats Russo, Russo retires, Ric gets his son back as well as Russo's job, and Russo gets his head shaved.
Ric says if he dies tonight, he retires.
Russo asks if Ric's talking about a little trim off the top.
Ric says that he's talking about retirement, taking Russo's job and shaving his head and ass.
Russo accepts, but on one condition: father-and-son style.
Ric accepts and says he'll bring Reid out.
* sigh * There hadbetter be a shaving tonight.
Jeff Jarrett is walking.
We see a split-screen of Goldberg and Kevin Nash (in a police car).
Match #4: WCW World Champion Jeff Jarrett vs. Hollywood Hogan
Billy Kidman is your special guest referee.
Dear God, I hope this doesn't end up with Kidman turning on Jarrett.
Why is Jarrett coming out first?
Jarrett tells the timekeeper to ring the bell and count to ten so he can win by countout.
Jarrett wants a new opponent at BATB.
Before Kidman can call for the bell, nWo music brings out Hollywood.
We see stills of Hollywood beating Kidman from last night.
Hogan slugs Jarrett to start.
Hogan whips Jarrett into a clothesline.
Hogan puts his do-rag in Jarrett's mouth and punches away.
Hogan whips Jarrett to the corner and follows with a clothesline.
Hogan chokes Jarrett in the corner.
Hogan with a couple punches before sending Jarrett outside.
Apparently, Hogan was busted open by the guitar shot earlier.
Hogan slaps Jarrett with the weightlifter's belt and chokes him with it.
By the rail, Hogan with more punishment.
Hogan send Jarrett into the steel steps.
Hogan punches away and sends Jarrett into the ring.
Jarrett begins to stomp away and land punches in the corner.
Jarrett with four punches in the corner before he gets shrugged off by Kidman.
Hogan feels the blood on his forehead and gets pissed off.
Hogan clotheslines Jarrett out of the ring.
Jarrett whips Hogan into the rail.
Jarrett jabs Hogan with the chair.
Jarrett goes for a chairshot but Kidman grabs it, kicks Jarrett and throws the chair to Hogan. Aww, shit.
Hogan with some chairshots.
Vince Russo and Goldberg walk out.
Back inside, Hogan with some punches.
As Hogan hits the big boot, Goldberg walks to the ring.
Hogan gets the leg drop.
Goldberg comes in after the three count, but Kidman lets the match continue.
Kidman tries to get in front of Hogan to defend against Goldberg's spear but Kidman gets taken out.
Spear for Hogan.
Kidman gets tossed out of the ring.
A table gets set up in the middle of the ring.
Goldberg Jackhammers Hogan on the table.
Jarrett spraypaints Hogan on his chest.
G. I. Bro makes the save and the heels flee.
Bro tends to Hogan just before the 7:00 mark.
Bro waves in paramedics as we fade...
Well, we're setting up a feud here, but I think Goldberg missed his cue for the run-in.
We see a replay of Kidman's face turn.
Diamond Dallas Page walks out.
Let me guess, he's going to take credit for "making Kanyon" here.
DDP is holding a lemon in his hand, mainly because he likes lemons and is going to have a beer with his lemon.
DDP does his "I shouldn't have happened" pretend-shoot schtick.
DDP talks about a friend in the back who half-hearted believed in him as a wrestler.
Madden shares my sentiments by saying that DDP was starting to ramble.
Bischoff, Kimberly and Kanyon walk out.
DDP says he didn't do this alone and had help from his wife.
DDP says his wife didn't believe in him the wrestler, but DDP the person.
DDP relates a story from his past to Kimberly.
DDP says he took Kanyon under his wing.
DDP says he taught Kanyon what his mentors taught him.
DDP talks about how he taught Kanyon about how it's not how many times you get knocked down but how many times you get up.
DDP says he doesn't feel like getting up.
DDP says his job has cost him his life, his friends and his wife.
DDP says that when it comes down to working with people like Bischoff, "screw it, it's not worth it."
DDP walks out of the ring into the sea of fans.
We go to the three-shot.
Promo for WCW Reload.
From GAB: Vampiro defeats Sting.
Match #5: Vampiro vs. The Demon
Nice to see Vampiro finally get a win last night.
Vampiro says he ruined Sting's life and that he has no remorse.
Vampiro says that Sting will remember him.
Vampiro says that the nightmare is just beginning.
Vampiro says he is going to hell and that he's cool with that.
Vampiro asks who has the balls to come down with him.
The coffin brings out The Demon, who waves a torch.
It's not quite what Xavier wrote, but the parallels are frighteningly similar.
Vamp with some brawling.
Demon whips Vamp into a lariat.
Nice dropkick by Demon.
Demon sends Vamp outside.
Vamp with an eye rake.
Vamp sends Demon into the rail.
Vamp brings Demon into the entryway set and rams him into the girders.
Vamp climbs up the girders and does a pose, causing some fire to come from the set. What the hell?
Vamp dives down on Demon with an axehandle and lands on his feeton the metal walkway.
The bell rings at 2:05, and Vampiro looks like he has legit injured himself.
We immediately cut the segment right as Vampiro gets up and runs towards the ring.
What the f**k was that shit? That was the most utterly pointless segment I have ever seen since the"Hookers vs. Outsiders Match", and a career could have ended there.
Please, find something else for Vampiro to do, ye f**kheads of the booking committee.
Scott Steiner tells Shakira to watch Nash's nephew.
Vince Russo and David Flair talk backstage.
Match #6: "Positively" Kanyon (w/ Kimberly and DDP's Book) vs. WCW United States Champion Scott Steiner (w/ Midajah)
Kanyon comes out to "Self High Five"
Lose Kim, and this gimmick could work.
Kim says she is broken up about DDP leaving the arena.
Five seconds later, Kim says she's over it because she has her own officially licensed product -- some cologne called "Positively Me."
Kim markets the product at $395 a bottle and says no one in the crowd can afford it.
Kim mutters "At Target and everyplace else." That was kind of funny.
Kim calls the crowd pathetic.
Kanyon says he was recovering from a spinal cord injury (then winks).
Kanyon asks the crowd if they feel dumb.
Kanyon says that Bischoff offered him a spot if he would take DDP out.
Kanyon says he wants to take over his life.
Kanyon says he'll use DDP's music and his wife.
Kanyon also has a new book -- Positively Kanyon, with a picture of him on the cover and the word "Page" taped up with "Kanyon." Ha!
Kanyon says he's going to use the move he taught DDP -- the Diamond Cutter.
Steiner says Kanyon acts like it's a big deal that he's out with Kim.
Steiner then says "who hasn't been with that bitch." Nice.
Steiner then pummels Kanyon and gives him a clothesline.
The taping on Kanyon's ribs is a nice touch.
Steiner with a belly-to-belly suplex.
Steiner goes for a running powerslam, but Kanyon shoves him into the corner.
Kanyon with a sitout powerbomb for two.
Kanyon Diamond Cuts Charles Robinson and gives the DC signal. This is great.
As Kim runs to the back, Steiner takes over.
Steiner with a gorilla press slam.
Steiner belly-to-bellies Kanyon and sets up for the Recliner.
Mike Awesome runs in for the two-on-one beatdown.
Kronic makes the save.
Adams gives his cobra clutch slam on Awesome.
Clarke kicks Kanyon out of the ring.
The heels flee into the crowd as Kronic gives chase.
Kim watches the action until Ms. Hancock comes from the crowd.
The ladies enter the ring and Kim begs off.
Hancock takes the glasses off and grabs Kim.
Kim sprays the cologne and Hancock sells it, despite Kimspraying it in the wrong direction.
That was so f**king sad.
Kim then crushes Hancock's glasses with her shoe.
Match sucked, but Kanyon's portrayal of DDP is priceless.
That being said, why is Kimberly still employed?
The participants for this next match are walking.
Scott Steiner commandeers Pamela's mic and rants at Russo. Apparently, Shakira has lost Hunter, Nash's nephew.
Match #7: Vince Russo and David Flair vs. Ric Flair (w/ Reid Flair)
This will be a handicap match.
Ric brings out a gym bag with a hair clipper.
Ric kicks and chops David to the mat.
Ric brings David to the corner, pulls off his shirt and chops away at him.
Russo is wincing in the corner for that nice touch.
David gets whipped to the corner and tries a Flair Flip but totally botches it.
Russo comes in and gets kicked.
Russo poses at Ric in the corner.
Ric tries a chop but Russo no-sells.
Ric pulls off Russo's clothes revealing a chest protector. Brilliant.
Ric finally gets Russo's protector off and chops him to hell.
David's back in the ring but Ric is on a roll here.
Ric with a delayed vertical suplex.
Ric puts on the figure-four.
Russo comes in with a bat and wails away.
Russo chokes out Ric but Reid runs in for the save.
David pulls Reid off as Russo continues the offense.
Russo tells Beth to bring her "cute little ass" in here.
R&B security rush in as Russo tells Beth to hit her husband with the statue.
Beth refuses, so Russo does the job for her.
Russo chokes away as security fends off Ashley Flair.
David puts on the figure-four.
Megan Flair throws the towel in for the heel victory.
YOUR WINNERS: Vince Russo and David Flair in 4:02.
With Flair's family held at bay, the heels shave some of Ric's blond hair.
David then works on Reid's hair, getting some strokes in before Ric pulls him off.
A fan nails Russo with a water bottle (* sigh *) as we cut.
I guess this is how they write Ric out of the storylines while he goes in for shoulder surgery.
But, wouldn't a David Flair victory at GAB have accomplished this better and put David over as a singles wrestler?
Between the high of the chest protector bit and the low of the over-humiliation of the Flair Family, I'm going:
The cops unlock Nash from his handcuffs.
Match #8: Kevin Nash vs. Goldberg (w/ the New Blood)
Case in point from what I said in the last match: Mark Madden is calling Ric Flair's retirement a victory forVince Russo and not wrestler David Flair.
Goldberg comes out with backup in the form of wrestlers.
Goldberg and Nash slug away to start.
Goldberg with kneelifts in the corner.
Nash whips Goldberg into a big boot.
Goldberg retreats to the outside.
Goldberg comes back in, ducks a punch and hits a sidekick.
Goldberg with more boots.
Goldberg chokes out Nash as the heels cheer outside.
Billy Silverman runs away from Goldberg as he tells him to break the chokehold.
More punches in the corner.
Goldberg looks pissed off at the "Goldberg Sucks" chants from the crowd.
Goldberg goes to pick Nash up but gets thrown into the turnbuckle.
Let the clusterf**k begin, as the New Blood runs in Black Ninja style.
Goldberg breaks the momentum with a steel chair shot.
Goldberg takes his gloves off and punches away.
We see Hunter on the apron watching the beating.
Russo holds onto Hunter and makes him watch his uncle get beat down.
Nash is.
Scott Steiner runs out but gets beat down and arrested by cops.
The Cat gets a cheap shot in and hauled out.
Hunter hits the ring and tends to Nash as Russo and Goldberg celebrate.
Hey, you know what would be an innovative touch to a main event? A finish!
The Good: The first hour had somewhat coherent wrestling, and there was some funny bits from Vince Russo and Kanyon. The "Positively" Kanyon gimmick really has potential, I think. Kevin Nash took one for the team and got busted open. I don't think turning Goldberg into a heel was a great idea, but if they portray to be a badass like they did with him against Hollywood Hogan and Kevin Nash (minus the Filthy Animals run-in of course) WCW could be onto something. Now, we just need a credible face, which Goldberg was. D'oh! ;-)
The Bad: Vampiro vs. The Demon, if my rating didn't spell that out for you. Just let the manwrestle, damnit! Of course, he probably won't be able to after jumping off the girdering and landing on a metal walkway on his feet. D'oh! This King Curtis-like character won't fly, either. Honorable mentions go to the screwy endings of the last two matches.
The Ugly: Was that the first time Kimberly sprayed cologne on someone? D'oh!