Chapter 1

THE STRANGE BEHAVIOUR OF CAPTAIN VAN TOCH

If you looked up the little island of Tana Masa on the map youwould find it just on the Equator, not far south of Sumatra; but ifyou were on the deck of the Kandong Bandoeng and asked its captain,J. van Toch, what he thought of this Tana Masa where you've justdropped anchor he would first curse for a short while and then hewould tell you that it's the dirtiest hole all the Sunda Islands,even more loathsome than Tana Bala and easily as damnable as Pini orBanyak; that the only apology for a human being that lives there--not counting these louse-ridden Bataks, of course--is a drunkencommercial agent, a cross between a Cuban and a Portuguese, and aneven bigger thief, pagan and pig than the whole of Cuba and the wholeof the white race put together; if there's anything in this worldthat's damnable then it's the damned life on this damned Tana Masa.And then, you might cautiously ask him why it is that he's justdropped his damned anchor as if he wanted to spend three damned dayshere; at which he would snort in irritation and grumble somethingabout not being so damned stupid as to sail all the way to KandonBandoeng just to get this damned copra or palm oil, and there'snothing else here, but I've got my damned orders, and you will pleasebe so kind as to mind your own damned business. And he would carryon cursing as widely and as fully as you might expect from a seacaptain who was no longer young but still lively for his age.

But if, instead of asking all sorts of impertinent questions, youleft Captain J. van Toch to grumble and curse by himself you mightfind out something more. Surely it's obvious the man needs a rest.Just leave him alone, he can sort out his foul mood by himself."Listen!" the captain said suddenly. "Those damned Jew-boys back inAmsterdam, all they seem to think about is pearls. Have a lookaround you; can you see any pearls? They say the people are crazyround here for pearls and that sort of thing." At this point thecaptain spat in anger. "We know all about that, load up withpearls! That's because you people always want to start a war orsomething. All you're worried about is money. And then you call ita crisis." For a short while, Captain J. van Toch considered whetherhe ought to start discussing political economics, considering thatthat's all they ever do talk about nowadays. But it's too hot andlanguid to talk about that sort of thing here, anchored off TanaMasa; so the captain merely waved his hand and grumbled: "That's whatthey say, pearls! In Ceylon they've got enough pearls piled up tolast them for five years, on Formosa they've put a ban on gatheringthem--and so they say to me, Captain van Toch, go and see if you canfind somewhere new to gather pearls. Go on down to those damnedlittle islands, you might find whole bays full of oysters down there..." The captain pulled out his light-blue handkerchief and blewhis nose in contempt. "Those rats in Europe, they think there'sstill something to find down here, something they don't already knowabout. God, what a bunch of fools they are! Next they'll be wantingme to look up the Bataks snouts to see if they don't have them fullof pearls. New pearl fisheries! I know there's a new brothel inPadang, but new pearl fisheries? I know these islands like mytrousers, all the way from Ceylon down to that damned ClippertonIsland, and if anyone thinks there's anything new still left to findthere that they can make any money out of, well good luck to them.Thirty years I've been sailing these waters, and now these foolsthink I'm going to discover something new!" This was a task soinsulting it made Captain van Toch gasp. "Why can't they send somegreen kid to find something for them if they want to gape inastonishment; but instead they expect someone to do that who knowsthe area as well as Captain J. van Toch...Please try andunderstand this. In Europe there might still be something left todiscover; but here--people only come here to sniff out somethingthey could eat, or rather not even to eat, to find something to buyand sell. If in all these damned tropics there was still somethingthey could double the price of there'd be three commercial agentsstanding there waving their snotty handkerchiefs at the ships ofseven countries to stop for it. That's how it is. I know aboutthese things better than the colonial office of Her Majesty theQueen, if you'll forgive me." Captain van Toch made a great effortto overcome his righteous indignation, and after a prolonged periodof exertion he was successful. "D'you see those two contemptiblelayabouts down there? They're pearl fishers from Ceylon, Sinhalese,God help us, just as the Lord made them; but what He made them for, Idon't know. I have them on board with me, and when we find anystretch of coast that doesn't have a sign up saying Agency or Bata orCustoms Office down they go in the water to look for oysters. Thatsmall bugger, he can dive down eighty meters deep; in the PrincesIslands he went down to ninety meters to get the handle from a filmprojector. But pearls? Nothing! Not a sniff of them! Worthlessrabble, these Sinhalese. And that's the sort of worthless work Ido. Pretend to be buying palm oil and all the time looking for newpearl fisheries. Next they'll be wanting me to find a new virgincontinent for them. This isn't a job for an honest captain in themerchant navy. Captain J. van Toch isn't some cursed adventurer,no. And on he would go; the sea is wide and the ocean of time hasno limits; spit in the sea, my friend, and it will not return, berateyour destiny and you will never change it; and so on through manypreparations and circumstances until we finally arrive at the pointwhen J. van Toch, captain of the Dutch vessel, Kandong Bandoeng, willsigh and climb down into the boat for the trip to Tana Masa where hewill negotiate with the drunken half-cast of Cubanese and Portugueseextraction about certain business matters.

"Sorry, Captain," the half-cast of Cubanese and Portugueseextraction finally said, "but here on Tana Masa there aren't anyoysters. These filthy Bataks," he would inform him with boundlessdisgust, "will even eat the jellyfish; there are more of them in thewater than on the land, the women here smell of fish, you cannotimagine what it is like--what was I saying? Ah, yes, you wereasking about women."

"And is there not even any stretch of coastline round here," thecaptain asked, "where these Bataks don't go in the water?" Thehalf-cast of Cubanese and Portuguese shook his head.

"There is not. Unless you count Devil Bay, but that would notinterest you."

"Why not?"

"Because...no-one is allowed to go there. Another drink,Captain?"

"Thanks. Are there sharks there?"

"Sharks and everything else besides," the half-cast mumbled. "Isa bad place, Captain. The Bataks would not like to see anyone goingdown there."

"Why not?"

"There are demons there, Captain. Sea demons."

"What is that, a sea demon? A kind of fish?"

"Not a fish," the half-cast corrected him. "Simply demons,Captain. Underwater demons. The Bataks call them tapa. Tapa. Theysay that that's where they have their city, these demons. Anotherdrink?"

"And what do they look like, these sea demons?" The half cast ofCubanese and Portuguese shrugged his shoulders.

"Like a demon, Captain. I once saw one of them...or just itshead, at least. I was coming back in a boat from Cape Haarlem...and suddenly, in front of me, a kind of lump stuck up out of thewater."

"And what did it look like?"

"It had a head...like a Batak, Captain, but entirely withouthair."

"Sure it wasn't a real Batak?"

"Not a real Batak, Captain. In this place no Batak would ever gointo the water. And then...the thing blinked at me with aneyelid from beneath its eye." The half-cast shuddered with thehorror of it. "An eyelid from beneath its eye, which reached up tocover the whole eye. That was a tapa." Captain J. van Toch turnedhis glass of palm wine around between his chubby fingers.

"And you hadn't been drinking, had you? You weren't drunk?"

"I was drunk, Captain. How else would I ever had rowed into thatplace. The Bataks don't like it when anyone...anyone disturbsthese demons." Captain van Toch shook his head.

"Listen, demons don't exist And if they did exist they would looklike Europeans. That must have been some kind of fish you saw orsomething."

"A fish!" the half-cast of Cubanese and Portuguese spluttered. "Afish does not have hands, Captain. I am not some Batak Captain, Iwent to school in Badyoeng...I might even still know my tencommandments and other scientifically proven facts; and an educatedman will know the difference between a demon and an animal. Ask theBataks, Captain."

"Negro superstitions," the captain declared with the jovialconfidence of an educated man. "This is scientific nonsense. Ademon can't live in water anyway. What would he be doing in thewater? You shouldn't listen to all the nonsense talked by thenatives, lad. Somebody gave the place the name Devil Bay and eversince then the Bataks have been afraid of it. That's all there is toit," the captain declared, and threw his chubby hand down on thetable. "There's nothing there, lad, that is scientificallyobvious."

"There is, Captain," affirmed the half-cast who had been to schoolin Badyoeng. "But no sensible person has any business going to DevilBay." Captain J. van Toch turned red.

"What's that?" he shouted. "You dirty Cuban, you think I'm afraidof these demons? We'll see about that," he said as he stood up withall the mass of his honest two hundred pounds. "I'm not going towaste my time with you here, not when I've got business to attendto. But just remember this; the Dutch colonies don't have any demonsin them; even if there are in the French. There, there might wellbe. And now call the mayor of this damned Kampong over to speak tome."

It did not take long to find the aforementioned dignitary; he wassquatting down beside the half-casts shop chewing sugar cane. He wasan elderly man, naked, but a lot thinner than mayors usually are inEurope. Some way behind him, keeping the appropriate distance, theentire village was also squatting, complete with women and children.They were clearly expecting to be filmed. "Now listen to this, son,"Captain van Toch said to him in Malay (he could just as well havespoken to him in Dutch or English as the honourable old Batak knewnot a word of Malay, and everything said by the captain had to beinterpreted into Batak by the half-cast of Cubanese and Portuguese,but for some reason the captain thought Malay would be moreappropriate). "Now listen to this, son, I need a few big, strong,powerful lads to go out on a fishing trip with me. Understand what Imean? Out on a fishing trip." The half-cast translated this andthe mayor nodded his head to show he understood; then he turned roundto face the wider audience and said something to them, clearlymeeting with great success.

"Their chief says," translated the half-cast, "that the wholevillage will go out with the captain wherever the captain mightwish."

"Very well. So tell him were going to fish for clams in DevilBay."

There followed about fifteen minutes of animated discussion withthe whole village taking part, especially the old women. Finally thehalf-cast turned to the captain. "They say it's not possible to goto Devil Bay, Captain." The captain began to turn red. "Andwhy not?" The half-cast shrugged his shoulders.

"Because there are the tapa-tapa there. Demons, Captain." Thecaptain's colour began to rise to purple.

"Tell them, then, that if they don't go...I'll knock all theirteeth out...I'll tear their ears off...I'll hang the lot ofthem...and that I'll burn down their entire flea-ridden village.Understand?"

The half-cast dutifully translated what the captain had said, atwhich there was more lively discussion. The half-cast finally turnedto the captain. "They say they intend to make a complaint to thepolice in Padang, Captain, because you've threatened them. Thereseem to be laws about that. The mayor says he can't allow that sortof thing." Captain J. van Toch began to turn blue.

"Tell him, then," he snarled, "that he is a..." and he spokewithout pausing for breath for a good eleven minutes.

The half-cast translated what he had said, as far as hisvocabulary was able; and then he once again translated the Batakslong, but objective, verdict back to the captain. "They say theymight be willing to relinquish taking you to court, Captain, if youpay a fine into the hands of the local authorities. They suggest,"here he hesitated, "two hundred rupees, Captain; but that seemsrather a lot. Offer them five." Captain van Toch's complexion beganto break out in purple blotches. First he offered to murder all theBataks in the world, then the offer went down to giving them allthree hundred good kickings, and finally he agreed to content himselfwith stuffing the mayor and putting him on display in the colonialmuseum in Amsterdam; for their part, the Bataks went down from twohundred rupees to an iron pump with a wheel, and finally insisted onno more than that the captain give the mayor his petrol cigarettelighter as a token. ("Give it to him, Captain," urged the half-castof Cubanese and Portuguese, "I've got three cigarette lighters in mystore, even if they don't have wicks.") Thus, peace was restored onTana Masa; but Captain J. van Toch now knew that the dignity of thewhite race was at stake.

That afternoon a boat set out from the Dutch ship, KandonBandoeng, with the following crew: Captain J. van Toch, Jensen theSwede, Gudmundson the Icelander, Gillemainen the Finn, and twoSinhalese pearl fishers. The boat headed straight for Devil Bay.

At three o'clock, when the tide was at its highest, the captainstood on the shore, the boat was out watching for sharks about ahundred meters offshore, and both the Sinhalese divers were waiting,knife in hand, for the signal to jump into the water.

"Now you go in," the captain told the farther of the two nakedsavages. The Sinhalese jumped into the water, waded out a few pacesand then dived. The captain looked at his watch.

After four minutes and twenty seconds a brown head emerged to hisleft, about sixty meters away; with a strange, desperate shudderwhich seemed at the same time as if paralysed, the Sinhalese clawedat the rocks, in one hand he had the knife, in the other some pearlbearing oysters. The captain scowled. "So, what's wrong?" he asked,sharply. The Sinhalese was still slithering up the rock, unable tospeak with the horror of it. "What has happened?" the captainshouted.

"Saheb, Saheb," said the Sinhalese as he sank down on the beach,gasping for breath. "Saheb...Saheb..."

"Sharks?"

"Djinns," groaned the Sinhalese. "Demons, Captain. Thousands andthousands of demons!" He pressed his fist into his eye. "Everywheredemons, Captain!"

"Show me those oysters," the captain ordered him, and began toopen one with the knife. Inside, there was a small, perfect pearl."Find any more of these?" The Sinhalese drew another three oystersout from the bag he had hanging round his neck.

"There are oysters down there, Captain, but they are guarded bythese demons...They were watching me as I cut them off..." Thecurls on his head stuck out with shock. "Not here, Saheb, nothere!"

The captain opened the oysters; two of them were empty and in thethird there was a pearl the size of a pea, as round as a drop ofmercury. Captain van Toch looked at the pearl and then at theSinhalese collapsed on the ground.

"won't you," he said hesitantly, "dive in there one more time?"Without a word, the Sinhalese shook his head. Captain J. van Tochfelt a strong urge to castigate and shout at the Sinhalese; but tohis surprise he found that he was speaking quietly and almost gently:"Don't you worry, lad. And what did they look like, these...demons?"

"Like little children," said the Sinhalese with a sigh. "Theyhave a tail, Captain, and they're about this high," indicating aboutone meter twenty above the ground. "They stood all around me andwatched what I was doing...a sort of circle of them..." TheSinhalese shuddered. "Saheb, not here Saheb, not here!" Captain vanToch thought for a while.

"And what about when they blink; was it with their lower eyelid orwhat?"

"I don't know, Captain," the Sinhalese croaked. "There are tenthousand of them there!" The captain looked round to find the otherSinhalese; he stood about fifty meters away, waiting without interestwith his hands crossed over on his shoulders; perhaps because when aperson is naked he has nowhere else to put his hands than on his ownshoulders. The captain gave him a silent signal and the gauntSinhalese jumped into the water. After three minutes and fiftyseconds he re-emerged, clawing at the slippery rocks.

"Come on, hurry up," the captain shouted, but then he began tolook more carefully and soon he himself was jumping and clamberingover the rocks to the Sinhalese; no-one would have thought that abody like that could jump so nimbly. At the last moment he caughthold of the Sinhalese hand and pulled him breathless from the water.Then he lay him on the rock and wiped the sweat off his brow. TheSinhalese lay without moving; his shin had been scraped and the boneunderneath was exposed, clearly he had injured it on some rock, buthe was otherwise unhurt. The captain raised the man's eyelid; all hecould see was the white. There was no sign of any oysters or theknife. Just then, the boat and its crew came in close to shore.

"Captain," Jensen the Swede called, "there are sharks aroundhere. Are you going to search for oysters any longer?"

"No," said the captain. "Come in here and pick up thesetwo."

On the way back to the ship Jensen drew the captains attention tosomething; "Look how it suddenly becomes shallow just here. It goeson just like this as far as the shore." And he demonstrated hispoint by pushing his oar down into the water. "it's as if there weresome kind of weir under the water."

The little Sinhalese did not come round until they were back onboard; he sat with his knees under his chin, shaking from head totoe. The captain sent everyone away and sat down facing him with hislegs wide apart. "Out with it," he said. "What did you see downthere?"

"Djinns, Saheb," whispered the slender Sinhalese; now even hiseyelids had begun to shake, and the whole of his skin came out ingoosepimples.

"And...what did they look like?" the captain spluttered.

"Like...like..." A strip of white appeared once more in theSinhalese eyes. Captain J. van Toch, with unexpected liveliness,slapped him on both cheeks with his full hand to bring him back toconsciousness. "Thanks, Saheb," the gaunt Sinhalese sighed, and thepupils re-appeared in his eyes.

"Alright now?"

"Yes, Saheb."

"Were there oysters down there?"

"Yes, Saheb."

With a great deal of patience and thoroughness, Captain J. vanToch went on with the cross questioning. Yes, there were demons downthere. How many? Thousands and thousands. About the size of a tenyear old child, Captain, and almost black. They swim in the water,and on the bottom they walk on two legs. Two legs, Saheb, just likeyou or me, but always swaying from side to side, like this, likethis, like this...Yes Captain, they have hands too, just likepeople; no, they don't have claws, they're more like a child'shands. No, Saheb, they don't have horns or fur. Yes, they have atail, a little like a fish's tail but without the fins. And a bighead, round like a Bataks. No, they don't say anything, Captain,only a sort of squelch. When the Sinhalese had been cutting anoyster off, about sixteen metres down, he felt something like littlecold fingers touch his back. He had looked round and there werehundreds and hundreds of them all around him. Hundreds and hundreds,Captain, swimming around and standing on stones and all of them werewatching what the Sinhalese was doing. So he dropped the knife andthe oyster and tried to swim up to the surface. Then he struckagainst some of the demons who had been swimming after him, and whathappened next he did not know.

Captain J. van Toch looked thoughtfully at the little diver as hesat there shivering. Hell be no good for anything from now on, thesaid to himself, he would send him to Padang and back on home toCeylon. Grumbling and snorting, the captain went to his cabin, wherehe spilled the two pearls out onto the table from a paper bag. Oneof them was as small as a grain of sand and the other as a pea, witha shimmer of silver and pink. And with that, the captain of theDutch ship, Kandong Bandoeng, snorted; and then he reached into thecupboard for his bottle of Irish whiskey.

At six o clock he had himself rowed back to the village and wentstraight to the half cast of Cubanese and Portuguese. "Toddy," hesaid, and that was the only word he uttered; he sat on thecorrugated-iron veranda, clutched a thick glass tumbler in his chubbyfingers and drank and spat and stared out from under his bushyeyebrows at the dirty and trampled yard where some emaciated yellowchickens pecked at something invisible between the palm trees. Thehalf cast avoided saying anything, and merely poured the drinks.Slowly, the captain's eyes became bloodshot and his fingers began tomove awkwardly. It was almost dark when he stood up and tightenedhis trousers.

"Are you going to bed, Captain?" the half cast of demon and devilasked politely. The captain punched his fist in the air.

"I'm going to go and see if there are any demons in this worldthat I've never seen before. You, which damned way isnorth-west?"

"This way," the half cast showed him. "Where are you going?"

"To Hell," Captain J. van Toch rasped. "Going to have a look atDevil Bay."

Chapter 2

MISTER GOLOMBEK AND MISTER VALENTA

Chapter 3

G. H. BONDY AND THE CAPTAIN

It is a well known fact that the more important a man is the lesshe has written on his door. Above his shop in Moravia, and all roundthe door and on the windows, old Max Bondy had to announce in bigletters that here was Max Bondy, dealer in sartorial goods of everysort, wedding outfitter, sheets, towels, teatowels, tablecloths andcoverings, calico and serge, silks, curtains, lambrequins, and alltailoring and sewing requisites. Founded 1885. His son, G.H. Bondy,captain of industry, president of the MEAS corporation, commercialadviser, brokering adviser, deputy president of the Confederation ofIndustry, Consulado de la República Ecuador, member ofmany advisory committees etc. etc. has nothing more on his house doorthan one small, black, glass panel with gold letters that spell theword:

BONDY

That is all. Just Bondy. Others might have Julius Bondy,Representative of General Motors on their doors, or ErvínBondy, Doctor of Medicine, or S. Bondy and Company; but there is onlyone Bondy who is simply Bondy without any further details. (I thinkthe Pope has simply Pius written on his door without any title ornumber. And God doesn't have a name plate at all, neither in Heavennor on Earth. You have to work out for yourself who it is that liveswhere He lives. But none of this belongs to this story, and it isonly mentioned in passing.)

One burning hot day, in front of the glass panel there stood agentleman in a white sailors cap, wiping the massive folds of hisneck with a blue handkerchief. Damned grand sort of house to livein, he thought, and somewhat uncertainly he pulled on the brass knobof the doorbell.

Mister Povondra, the doorman, appeared, took the measure of theheavy man at the door by looking him up and down from his feet to thegold braid on the cap, and with some reserve asked: "Can I helpyou?"

"Yes you can, lad," the gentleman replied loudly. "Does a MisterBondy live here?"

"What is your business with Mister Bondy?" was Mister Povondra'sicy reply.

"Tell him that Captain van Toch from Surabaya wants to speak tohim. Ja," he remembered, "here's my card." And he handed MisterPovondra a visiting card bearing an embossed anchor and the name:

CAPTAIN J. VAN TOCH

E. I. & P. L. Co S. Kandong Bandoeng

Surabaya Naval Club

Mister Povondra lowered his eyes and considered this. Had hebetter tell him that Mister Bondy is not at home? Or that he wasafraid that Mister Bondy is at an important conference? There aresome callers who need to be announced, and there are some others thata good doorman will deal with himself. Mister Povondra felt atroubling failure of the instinct that normally guides him in thesematters; this fat man at the door did not somehow fall into the usualclass of unannounced visitors, he did not seem to be a commercialrepresentative, or a functionary of a charitable organisation.Meanwhile, Captain van Toch was snorting and wiping his brow with hishandkerchief; at the same time he was blinking ingenuously with hispale blue eyes. Mister Povondra suddenly decided to take theresponsibility for this man onto himself. "Please come in Captainvan Toch," he said, "I will announce you to Mister Bondy".

Captain J. van Toch wiped his brow with his blue handkerchief andlooked round the ante-room. Hell, this Gustl has got things alright;it's like the saloon on one of those ships that sail from Rotterdamto Batavia. It must have cost a fortune. And all that by a frecklylittle Jew, the captain thought in admiration.

Meanwhile, in his study, G.H. Bondy was contemplating thecaptain's visiting card. "And what does he want with me?" he askedsuspiciously.

"I'm afraid I don't know, Sir," mumbled Mister Povondraunctuously. Mister Bondy was still holding the card in his hand.And embossed ships anchor. Captain J. van Toch, Surabaya--whereactually is Surabaya? Is it somewhere in Java? that seemed a verylong way away to Mister Bondy. Kandong Bandoeng, that sounds like agong being struck. Surabaya. And it feels just like the tropicshere, today. Surabaya.

"Well, you'd better show him in," Mister Bondy ordered.

The heavy man in the captain's cap stood in the doorway andsaluted. G.H. Bondy went over to welcome him. "Very glad to meetyou, Captain. Please, come in," he said in English.

"Hello, hello Mister Bondy," proclaimed the captain cheerfully inCzech.

"Are you Czech?" asked Mister Bondy in surprise.

"Ja, Czech. And we even know each other, Mister Bondy. FromMoravia. Vantoch the grain merchant, do you remember?"

"That's right, that's right," G.H. Bondy replied with enthusiasm,although he did feel a little disappointment that this was not aHollander after all. "Vantoch the grain merchant, on the townsquare, wasn't it. And you haven't changed at all, Mister Vantoch!Still just the same! And how's the grain business going?"

"Thanks," the captain replied politely. "It's been a long timenow since Dad...how do you say..."

"Since he died? Oh, of course, you must be his son..." MisterBondy's eyes came alive with a sudden memory. My dear Vantoch! Youmust be that Vantoch who used to fight with me when we werelads!"

"Yes, that will have been me, Mister Bondy," agreed the captainseriously. "In fact that's why they sent me away, to Ostrava, up inthe north."

"You and I were always fighting. But you were stronger than me,"Mister Bondy acknowledged sportingly.

"Ja, I was stronger than you. You were such a weak littleJew-boy, Mister Bondy. And you were given Hell for it."

"I was, that's true," mused G.H. Bondy, somewhat moved. But sitdown, my friend! How nice of you to think of me! What brings youhere?" Captain van Toch sat down with dignity into a leatherarmchair and laid his cap on the floor.

"I'm here on holiday, Mister Bondy. That's so."

"Do you remember," asked Mister Bondy as he sank into hismemories, "how you used to shout at me: Jew-boy, Jew-boy, you go toHell.

"Ja," the captain admitted, and he trumpeted with some emotioninto his blue handkerchief. "Oh yes, they were good times, lad. Butwhat does it matter now? Time passes. Now were both old men andboth captains."

"That's true, you're a captain," Mister Bondy reminded himself."Who'd have thought it? A Captain of Long Distances."

"Yessir. A highseaer. East India and Pacific Lines, Sir."

"A wonderful career," said Mister Bondy with a sigh. "I'd changeplaces with you straight away, Captain. You must tell me aboutyourself."

"Alright then, " said the captain as he became more lively."There's something I'd like to tell you about, Mister Bondy.Something very interesting, lad." Captain van Toch looked arounduneasily.

"Are you looking for something, Captain?"

"Ja. Don't you drink beer, Mister Bondy The journey here fromSurabaya made me so thirsty." The captain began to rummage in thecopious pockets of his trousers and drew out his blue handkerchief, acanvas bag containing something, a bag of tobacco, a knife, a compassand a wad of banknotes. "I think we should send someone out for somebeer. What about that steward who showed me in here to your cabin."Mister Bondy rang a bell.

"Nothing to worry about, Captain. Meanwhile you could light acigar..." The captain took a cigar with a red and gold band anddrew in the aroma.

"Tobacco from Lombok. Bunch of thieves there, for what it'sworth." And with that, to Mister Bondy's horror, he crumbled thecostly cigar in his massive hands and put the it into a pipe. "Ja,Lombok. Lombok or Sumba." By this time, Mister Povondra had madehis silent appearance in the doorway.

"Bring us some beer," Mister Bondy ordered. Mister Povondraraised his eyebrow.

"Beer? And how much beer?"

"A gallon," the captain grumbled as he stepped on a used match onthe carpet. "In Aden, the heat was awful, lad. Now, Mister Bondy,I've got some news for you. From the Sunda Islands, see? There's achance there to do some fantastic business. But I'll need to tellyou the whole story. Wait." The captain's eyes turned to the ceilingas he remembered. "I don't really know where to begin." (Yetanother business deal, thought G.H. Bondy to himself. God, this isgoing to be boring. He's going to talk to me about exporting sewingmachines to Tasmania or boilers and safety pins to Fiji. Fantasticbusiness, yes, I know. That's what I'm good for. But I'm not somejunk dealer, damn it! I'm an adventurer. I'm a poet in my own way.Tell me about Sinbad, sailor-man! Tell me about Surabaya or thePhoenix Islands. Have you never been pulled of course by a magneticmountain, have you never been captured by the bird, Noh, and taken upto its nest? Don't you come back to port with a cargo of pearls andcinnamon and hardwoods? No? Better start your lies, then.) "Isuppose I could start with these lizards," the captain began.

"What lizards?" asked the businessman in surprise.

"Well, these astonishing lizards they have there, MisterBondy."

"Where?"

"On one of these islands. I can't tell you the name, lad. Thatis a big secret, worth millions." Captain van Toch wiped his browwith his handkerchief. "Where the Hell has that beer got to?"

"It will be right here, Captain."

"Yes, that's good. And you ought to know that these are verydecent and likable animals, these lizards. I know them, lad." Thecaptain slammed his hand down on the table; "and if anyone saysthey're demons they're a liar, a damned liar, Sir. You and me aremore like demons than they are, me, Captain van Toch, Sir. You cantake my word for it." G.H. Bondy was startled. Delirium, hethought. Where is that damned Povondra? "There are several thousandof them there, these lizards, but a lot of them are eaten by sharks.That's why these lizards are so rare and only in one place, in thisbay that I can't give you the name of."

"You mean these lizards live in the sea?"

"Ja. In the sea. But at night they come out onto the shore,although after a while they have to go back into the water."

"And what do they look like?" (Mister Bondy was trying to gaintime before that damned Povondra came back.)

"Well, about as big as a seal, but when they walk on their hindlegs they'd be about this high," the captain demonstrated. "I won'ttell you they're nice to look at, they're not. And they haven't gotany scales. They're quite bare, Mister Bondy, naked, like a frog ora salamander. And their front paws, they're like the hands on achild, but they've only got four fingers. Poor things," the captainadded in sympathy. "But they're nice animals, Mister Bondy, veryclever and very likable." The captain crouched down and, still inthat position, began to waddle forward. "And this is how they walk,these lizards."

The captain, with some effort and still squatting down, carriedhis body along in a wave-like movement; at the same time he held hishand out in front of himself like a dog begging for something andfixed his eyes on Mister Bondy in a way that seemed to beg him forsympathy. G.H. Bondy was deeply touched by this and almost feltashamed. While this was going on, Mister Povondra appeared in thedoorway with a jug of beer and raised his eyebrows in shock when hesaw the captain's undignified behaviour. "Give us the beer and getout," Mister Bondy exclaimed. The captain stood up, wheezing.

"Well, that's what these animals are like, Mister Bondy. Yourhealth," he added as he took a draught of the beer. "This is goodbeer you've got here, lad. But in a house like this..." Thecaptain wiped his moustache.

"And how did you come across these lizards, Captain?"

"That's just what I wanted to tell you about, Mister Bondy. Ithappened like this; I was looking for pearls on Tana Masa..." thecaptain stopped short. "Or somewhere round those parts. Ja, it wassome other island, but for the time being that's still my secret.People are enormous thieves, Mister Bondy, you have to be carefulwhat you say. And while those two damned Sinhalese were under watercutting away the oysters--the oysters hold as fast to the rocks likea Jew holds to his faith and have to be cut away with a knife--thelizards were there watching them, and the Sinhalese thought they weresea monsters. They're very ignorant people, these Sinhalese andBataks. Anyway, they thought they were demons. Ja." The captaintrumpeted noisily into his handkerchief. "You know, lad, it's astrange thing. I don't know whether us Czechs are more inquisitivethan other people but whenever I've come across another Czech he'salways had to stick his nose into everything find out what's there.I think, us Czechs, we don't want to believe in anything. So I gotit into my stupid, old head that I should go and get a closer look atthese demons. True, I was drunk at the time, but that was onlybecause I couldn't get these stupid demons out of my mind. Downthere on the equator, lad, down there anything's possible. So thatevening I went down and had a look at Devil Bay...." Mister Bondydid his best to imagine a bay in the tropics, surrounded by cliffsand jungle.

"And then?"

"So there I was sitting by the bay and going ts-ts-ts so that thedemons would come. And then, lad, after a while, a kind of lizardcrawled up out of the water. It stood up on its hind legs, twistingits whole body. And it went ts-ts-ts at me. If I hadn't been drunkI probably would have shot it; but, my friend, I was sloshed as anEnglishman, so I said to it, come here, hey you tapa-boy come here, Iwon't harm you."

"Were you speaking to it in Czech?"

"No, Malay. That's what they speak most down there, lad. He didnothing, just made a few steps here and there and looked sideways atme like a child that's too shy to talk. And all around in the waterwere a couple of hundred of these lizards, poking their paws up outof the water and watching me. So I, well yes I was drunk, I squatteddown and began to twist about like these lizards so that theywouldn't be afraid of me. Then another lizard crawled out of thewater, about the size of a ten year old boy, and he started waddlingabout too. And in his front paw he had an oyster." The captain tooka draught of beer. "Cheers, Mister Bondy. Well it's true that I wasvery drunk, so I said to him, what a clever lad you are, eh, what isit you want then? Want me to open that oyster for you, do you? Comehere then, I can open it with my knife. But he just stood there,still didn't dare come any closer. So once again, I started to twistabout like I was a shy little girl. Then he pattered up closer tome, I slowly held out my hand to him and took the oyster from hispaw. Now, you can understand we were both a bit afraid, but I wasdrunk. So I took my knife and opened that oyster; I felt inside tosee if there was a pearl there but there wasn't, only that vile snot,like one of those slimy molluscs that live in those shells. Alrightthen, I said, ts-ts-ts, you can eat it if you like. And I tossed theopen oyster over to him. You should have seen how he licked it up,lad. It must have been a wonderful titbit for these lizards. Only,the poor animals weren't able to get into the hard shells with theirlittle fingers. Life is hard, ja!" The captain took another drinkof beer. "So I worked it out in my head, lad. When these lizardssaw how the Sinhalese cut away the oysters they must have said tothemselves, aha, so they eat oysters, and they wanted to see howthese Sinhalese would open them. One of these Sinhalese looks prettymuch like a lizard when he's in the water, but one of these lizardswas more clever than a Sinhalese or a Batak because he wanted tolearn something. And a Batak will never want to learn anythingunless it's how to thieve something," Captain J. van Toch added indisgust. "So when I was on that shore going ts-ts-ts and twistingabout like a lizard they must have thought to themselves that I'msome kind of great-big salamander. That's why they weren't reallyscared of me and came closer, so that I would open the oysters forthem. That's how intelligent and trusting these animals are."Captain van Toch went red. "When I'd got to know them better I tookall my clothes off, so that I'd look more like them, naked; but theywere still puzzled at the hairs on my chest and that sort of thing.Ja." The captain wiped his handkerchief over his blushing neck."But I hope I'm not boring you, Mister Bondy." G.H. Bondy wasenchanted.

"No, no. Not at all. Please carry on, Captain."

"Yes, yes alright then. So when this lizard had licked out theshell with all the others watching him they climbed up onto theshore. Some of them even had oysters in their paws--something oddabout this, lad, is that they were able to pull them off the cliffswhen they only had these little fingers without a thumb, like achild's fingers. At first they were too shy, but then they let metake the oyster out of their hands. True, they weren't properoysters with pearls in them, all sorts of things it was they broughtme, the sort of clams and the like that don't have pearls in them,but I threw them back in the water and told them, that's no goodchildren, they're not worth opening, I'm not going to use my knife onthem. But when they brought me a pearl-oyster I opened it with myknife and checked carefully to see if there wasn't a pearl there.Then I gave it back to them for them to lick it out. So by thenthere was a couple of hundred of these lizards sitting round me andwatching to see how it was I opened the oysters. Some of them triedto do it themselves, tried to cut round the oyster with the bits ofshell that were lying around. I found that very strange, lad. Noanimal knows how to use tools; all that an animal knows is what'sbeen shown to it by nature. I admit, I once saw in Buitenzorg amonkey that could open a tin can with a knife; but a monkey, that snot really a proper animal. But I did find it strange." The captaintook a drink of beer. "That night, Mister Bondy, I found abouteighteen pearls in those shells. Some of them were small and somewere bigger and three of them were as big as the stone in a peach,Mister Bondy, as big as the stone in a peach." Captain van Tochnodded his head earnestly. "After I'd got back to my ship in themorning I said to myself, Captain van Toch, sir, it was all justdream, you were drunk, and so on. But I couldn't believe what I toldmyself, not when I had eighteen pearls in my pocket. Ja."

"That is the best story I've ever heard," said Mister Bondy, witha sigh. Captain van Toch was pleased at this and said,

"There, you see, lad. I thought about what had happened all thatday. I would tame these lizards, wouldn't I. Ja. Tame them andtrain them to bring me these pearl oysters. There must have been anenormous number of them down there in Devil Bay. So that evening Iwent down again, but a bit earlier. When the Sun began to go downthe lizards began to stick their noses out from the water, one here,then one there, until the water was full of them. I sat on the shoreand went ts-ts-ts. Then I looked and saw a shark, just its finpoking up from the water. And then there was a lot of splashing andone of the lizards had had it. I counted twelve of those sharkscruising into Devil Bay in the sunset. Mister Bondy, in just oneevening those monsters ate more than twenty of my lizards," thecaptain exclaimed and blew his nose angrily. "Ja! More thantwenty! It stands to reason, a naked lizard like that with thoselittle paws, he can't defend himself. It was enough to make you cryto see a sight like that. You should have seen it, lad..."

The captain stopped and thought for a while. "I'm quite fond ofanimals, you see," he said finally, and lifted his blue eyes to G.H.Bondy. "I don't know what you think of all this, Captain Bondy..."Mister Bondy nodded to show his agreement, and this pleased Captainvan Toch. "That's alright, then. "They're very good andintelligent, these tapa-boys; if you tell them something they payattention like a dog listening to its master. And most of all, theselittle hands they have, like children's hands. You know lad, I'm anold man and I have no family...Ja, an old man can be very lonely,"the captain complained as he overcame his emotion. "It's very easyto become fond of these lizards, for what it's worth. But if onlythe sharks didn't keep eating them like that! Then when I went afterthem, after those sharks, and I threw stones at them, then theystarted throwing stones too, these tapa-boys. You won't believe it,Mister Bondy. True, they couldn't throw the stones very far becausetheir hands were so small, but it was all very strange. As you're soclever, I said to them, you can try and open some of these oystersyourselves with my knife. So I put the knife down on the ground.They were a bit shy at first, but then one of them tried it, pushingthe point of the knife between the two halves of the shell. You'vegot to lever it open, I told him, lever it, see? Twist the kniferound, like this, and there, that's it. And he kept on trying, poorthing, until it gave way and the shell opened. There, you see, Isaid. Not that hard, is it. If some pagan Batak or Sinhalese can doit then why shouldn't a tapa-boy do it too, eh? Now, Mister Bondy, Iwasn't going to tell these lizards how it was wonderful, marvellous,astonishing to see what an animal like that could do, but now I cantell you that I was...I was...well simply thunderstruck."

"As I can see," answered Mister Bondy.

"Yes, that's right. As you can see. I was so confused at allthis that I stayed there another day with my ship, and then in theevening went back to Devil Bay and once more I watched how the sharkswere eating my lizards. That night I swore that I would put an endto that, lad. I even gave them my word of honour. Tapa-boys, Isaid, Captain J. van Toch hereby promises, under the majesty of allthese stars, that I will help you."

Chapter 4

CAPTAIN VAN TOCH'S BUSINESS

While Captain van Toch was saying this the hair on the back of hisneck had risen with his anger and excitement. "And so I swore. Andever since then, lad, I've not had a moments peace. In Padang I tooksome leave due to me and sent a hundred and seven pearls to thoseJew-boys in Amsterdam, everything those animals of mine had broughtme. Then I found a kind of lad, Dayak he was, a shark-killer, theygo in the water and kill the sharks with a knife. Terrible thief andmurderer he was, this Dayak. And then with him on a littletramp-steamer, we went back to Tana Masa, and now, lad, in you go andkill these sharks with your knife. I wanted him to kill the sharksso that they'd leave my lizards in peace, but this Dayak was such acut-throat and pagan he didn't do a thing, not even for thosetapa-boys. He didn't give a damn about the job. And all this time Iwas making my own observations and experiments with these lizards--just a minute, I've got a ships logbook here where I noted everythingdown every day." The captain drew a voluminous set of notes out fromhis breast pocket and began to leaf through them. "What's the datetoday? I know, the twenty-fifth of June. Now, the twenty-fifth Junefor instance--last year, this was--I was here and the Dayak was outkilling sharks. These lizards have a real big liking for carrion.Toby--that was one of the lizards, a smallish one, clever though,"explained the captain. "I had to give them some sort of a name,didn't I, so that I could write about them in this book. So, Tobypushed his fingers into the hole the knife had left. Evening, theybrought a dry branch for my fire. No, that's nothing," the captaingrumbled. "I'll find another day. Lets say, the twentieth of June,shall we? The lizards continued building their jetty. This was somekind of dam. They were building a new dam at the north-western endof Devil Bay. And this was a fantastic piece of work, lad," thecaptain explained, "a proper breakwater. And they brought their eggsdown to this side of it where the water would be quiet. They thoughtit up all by themselves, this dam; and I can tell you, no clerk orengineer from Waterstaat in Amsterdam could have made a better planfor a submerged breakwater than they did. An amazingly skilled pieceof work. And they dug out, sort of, deep holes in the banks underthe water and lived in them during the day. Amazingly cleveranimals, just like beavers, those great big mice that build dams on ariver. And they had a lot of these dams in Devil Bay, big ones andsmall ones, lovely smooth and level dams, it looked like a city. Inthe end they wanted to put a dam right across the whole of DevilBay. That's how it was. They can now lift boulders with a lever, "he read on. " Albert--that was one of the tapa-boys--crushed twoof his fingers. Twenty-first: The Dayak ate Albert! But it madehim ill. Fifteen drops of opium. Promised not to do it again. Rainall day. Thirtieth of June: Lizards finished building dam. Toby didnot want to work. Now, he was clever, Toby," the captain explainedwith admiration. "The clever ones never want to do anything. He wasalways working things out with his hands, this Toby. For what it'sworth, there are big differences between lizards just like betweenpeople. Third of July: Sergeant got the knife. This Sergeant, hewas a big strong lizard. And very clever with it. Seventh of July:Sergeant used knife to kill a cuttle-fish. Tenth of July: Sergeantkilled big jelly-fish with knife. Strange sort of animal, ajelly-fish is. Looks like jelly but stings like a nettle. And now,Mister Bondy, listen to this. I've got it underlined. Sergeantkilled a small shark with the knife. Seventy pounds weight. Sothere you see it, Mister Bondy," Captain J. van Toch declared intriumph. "Here it is in black and white. That was the big day,lad. To be precise, the thirteenth of July last year." The captainclosed his notes. "I'm not ashamed to admit it, Mister Bondy; Iknelt down on the shore by that Devil Bay and wept for sheer joy. Iknew then that my tapa-boys would not give up. Sergeant got a lovelynew harpoon as a reward--a harpoon is best if you're going to gohunting sharks, lad--and I said to him, be a man, Sergeant, and showthese tapa-boys they can defend themselves. And do you know," herethe captain raised his voice, jumped up and thumped the table in hisexcitement, "within three days there was a dead shark floating in thebay, horribly mutilated, full of gashes. And all the gashes made bythis harpoon." The captain gulped down some more beer. "That's justhow it was, Mister Bondy. It was then that I made a kind of acontract with these tapa-boys. That is, I gave them my word that ifthey would bring me these pearl oysters then I would give them theseharpoons and knives for them to defend themselves, see? That's fairbusiness. Whatever he does, a man should be honest even to animalslike these. And I gave them some wood too, and two iron wheelbarrowsfor them to carry the stones for the dam. And the poor things had topull everything in those tiny hands of theirs. Terrible for them,that's how it was. And I wouldn't have wanted to cheat them. Holdon, lad, I'll show you something." Captain van Toch lifted his bellywith one hand and with the other pulled a canvas bag out of histrouser pocket. "Look what I've got here," he said, and emptied itout onto the table. There was a thousand pearls there of alldifferent sizes: some as small as a seed, some the size of a pea andsome of them were the size of a cherry; perfectly round pearls, lumpyand irregular pearls, silvery pearls, blue pearls, yellowish pearlslike persons skin and pearls of all colours from black to pink. G.H.Bondy's jaw dropped; he could not help himself and had to touch them,roll them around in the tips of his fingers, cover them in both hishands.

"These are beautiful," he sighed in wonder and amazement."Captain, this is like a dream!"

"Ja," said the captain without emotion. "They are nice. And thatyear that I was down there they killed about thirty of those sharks.I've got it written down here," he said, tapping on his breastpocket. "And all with the knives I'd given them, them and the fiveharpoons. Those knives cost me nearly two American dollars a piece.Very good knives, lad, stainless steel, won't go rusty in the water,not even sea water. And those Bataks cost me a lot of moneytoo.

"What Bataks?"

"Those native Bataks on that island. They think the tapa-boys aresome kind of demon and they're terribly afraid of them. And whenthey saw me talking with these demons of theirs they just wanted tokill me. All night long they were banging on a kind of gong so thatthey would chase the demons away from their village. Made a Hell ofa noise. And then in the morning they wanted me to pay them for it.For all the work they'd had in doing it. For what it's worth, I cantell you that these Bataks are terrible thieves. But the tapa-boys,the lizards, you can do honest business with them. Very good honestbusiness, Mister Bondy." To Mister Bondy it seemed like he was in afairy tale.

"Buying pearls from them?"

"Ja. Only there aren't any pearls left now in Devil Bay, and onother islands there aren't any tapa-boys. And that's the wholeproblem, lad." Captain J. van Toch looked up as if in triumph. "Andthat's the big business that I thought out in my head. "Listen lad,"he said, stabbing the air with his chubby finger, "there's a lot moreof those lizards there now than when I first found them! They candefend themselves now, you see. Eh? And there are going to be moreand more of them! Now then, Mister Bondy, don't you think this is afantastic business opportunity?"

"I still don't quite see," replied G.H. Bondy uncertainly, "whatexactly it is you have in mind, Captain."

"To transport these tapa-boys to other islands where there areother pearl-fishing grounds," the captain finally exclaimed. I sawmyself how these lizards can't get across the deep and open sea.They can swim for a little way and they can walk a little way alongthe seabed, but where the sea is very deep the pressure there is toomuch for them; they're very soft, you see. But if I had some sortof ship with some kind of tank built into it for them I could takethem wherever I wanted, see? And there they could look for thepearls and I would follow behind and provide them with the knives andharpoons and anything else they need. The poor lads increased theirpopulation so much in Devil Bay that they soon won't have enoughthere to eat. They eat the smallest of the fish and molluscs, andthose water insects they have there; but they can eat potatoes too,and rusks and ordinary things like that. So that means they could befed while they're in the tanks on the ship. And I could let them outinto the water in suitable places where there aren't many people andthere I could have sort of...sort of farms for these lizards ofmine. And I'd want them to be able to feed themselves, theseanimals. They're very likable, Mister Bondy, and very clever too.And when you see them, lad, you'll say, Hullo Captain, useful animalsyou've got here. Ja. And they're mad about pearls now, just likepeople. That's the big business I thought up."

All this left G.H. Bondy in some embarrassment and confusion."I'm very sorry, Captain," he began hesitantly, "I...I really don'tknow..." The clear blue eyes of Captain J. van Toch filled withtears.

"That is not good, lad. I could leave you all these pearls hereas...as collateral for the ship, but I can't buy the ship all bymyself. I know of a very good ship here in Rotterdam...it's fittedwith a diesel engine..."

"Why did you not suggest this business to someone in Holland?"The captain shook his head.

"I know these people, lad. I can't talk about this sort of thingwith them. They," he said thoughtfully, "would make me carry allsorts of other things on the ship, and I'd have to sell them allround these islands. Ja. That's something I could do. I know a lotof people, Mister Bondy. And at the same time I could have the tankson board with my lizards in them..."

"That's something it might well be worth thinking about,"considered G.H. Bondy. "As it happens, you see...Well you see weneed to find new markets for our products, and I was talking aboutthis with some people not long ago. I would need to buy one or twoships, one for south America and the other for these eastern places..." The captain became more lively.

"That's very wise of you, Mister Bondy. Ships are very cheapright now, you could buy a whole harbour full of them..." Thecaptain launched into a deep and technical explanation of whatvessels are for sale where and at what prices and boats andtank-steamers; G.H. Bondy did not listen to him but merely watched;G.H. Bondy was a good judge of character. He had not taken Captainvan Toch's story about the lizards seriously for one moment; but thecaptain himself was somebody worth taking seriously. Honest, yes.And he knew his way around down there. Mad, obviously. But verylikeable. All this struck a chord in G.H. Bondy's heart and chimedwith his love of fantasy. Ships carrying pearls and coffee, shipswith spices and all the scents of Arabia. There was a particular,indescribable feeling that G.H. Bondy had before each major andsuccessful decision he made; a sensation which might have beenexpressed in words thus: It's true I don't really know why, but Ithink I'll go along with this. He had this feeling now. MeanwhileCaptain van Toch was waving his enormous hands in the air to outlineships with awning decks or quarter decks, fantastic ships, lad...

"I'll tell you what, Captain Vantoch," G.H. Bondy suddenly said,"come back here in two weeks time. We can talk about this ship againthen." Captain van Toch understood just how much these words meant.He blushed in happiness and said,

"And what about the lizards, can I take them on my ship too?"

"Yes, of course. Only please don't mention them to anyone.People would think you've gone mad--and so would I."

"And can I leave these pearls here with you?"

"Yes, if you want to."

"Ja, but I'll choose two of the nicest of them that I need to sendoff to someone."

"Who's that?"

"Just a couple of newspaper men I know, lad. Oh Hell, wait aminute."

"What is it?"

"What the Hell were their names?" Captain van Toch blinked hisblue eyes thoughtfully. "This head of mine is so stupid, lad. I'vecompletely forgotten what those two lads were called."

Chapter 5

HOW CAPTAIN J. VAN TOCH TRAINED THE LIZARDS

"Well I'm blowed," said a man in Marseille. "It's Jensen, isn'tit?" Jensen, the Swede, raised his eyes.

"Wait," he said, "and don't say a word until I've placed you." Heput his hand to his brow. "The Seagull, wasn't it? No. Empress ofIndia? No. Pernambuco? No. I've got it. Vancouver. Five yearsago on the Vancouver, Osaka Line, Frisco. And your name is Dingle,you rascal, Irish." The man grinned and exposed his yellow teeth ashe sat down to join Jensen.

"Dat's right, Jensen. And if there's a drink goin I'll have it,whatever it is. What brings you to dese parts?" Jensen noddedtoward the dock.

"I do the Marseille to Saigon route these days. And you?"

"I'm on leave," said Dingle with a swagger. "I'm on me way hometo see how many children I've got now." Jensen nodded his headearnestly.

"So they sacked you again, did they? Drunk on duty were you? Ifyou went to the YMCA like I do then..." Dingle grinnedcheerfully.

"Dey've got a YMCA here, you mean?"

"Today is Saturday," Jensen grumbled. "And where have you beensailing?"

"On a kind of a tramp steamer," said Dingle evasively. "All theislands you can tink of down under."

"Captain?"

"Some fella called van Toch. Dutchman or sometin." Jensen theSwede became thoughtful.

"Captain van Toch. I have travelled with him also, brother, someyears back. Ship: the Kandong Bandoeng. Line: from demon to Devil.Fat, bald and able to swear in Malay for better effect. I know himwell."

"Was he already such a lunatic in dem days?" The Swede shook hishead.

"Old man Toch is all right."

"And had he started carrying dem lizards of his about wid him byden?"

"No." Jensen thought for a while. "I heard something about that...in Singapore. Someone was talking all that rubbish there." TheIrishman seemed somewhat offended.

"Dat is not rubbish, Jensen. Dat's de holy truth about deselizards."

"This man in Singapore, he said it was true as well," the Swedegrumbled. "So I gave him a smack in the teeth," he added intriumph.

"Well just you listen to me," Dingle defended himself. "I oughtto know about dese tings, cause I've seen dese brutes wid me owneyes."

"So have I," mumbled Jensen. "Almost black, with a tail about sixfeet long, and they run about on two feet. I know."

"Hideous brutes," shuddered Dingle. "Notting but warts. HolyMary, I wouldn't touch em for anyting. And I'm sure dey must bepoisonous and all!"

"Why not?" grumbled the Swede. "Listen. I served once on a shipthat was full of people. All over the upper deck and the lower deck,nothing but people, full of women and all that sort of thing, dancingand playing cards. I was the stoker there, see. And now you tellme, you idiot, which do you think is more poisonous?"

Dingle spat. "Well if it's Caymans you're talking about, den Iwon't say notting against you. There was one time I was takin ashipload of snakes to a zoo, from Bandjarmasin they were, and God howthey stank! But dese lizards, Jensen, dese are some very strangeanimals were talkin about. All through the day they stay in thattank o water o theirs; but in the night they climb up out of it--tip-tap tip-tap tip-tap--and the whole ship was crawlin wid em.Stood up on their hind legs, they did, twistin their heads round toget a good look at you..." The Irishman crossed himself. "Andthey'd go ts-ts-ts at you, just like dem whores in Hong Kong. Godforgive me, but I tink there's sometin funny going on there. If itwasn't so hard to get a job I wouldn't have stayed there a minute,Jens. Not one minute."

"Aha," said Jensen. "So that is why you are running home to yourmummy, is it?"

"Well, dat's part of it. Just to stay there at all a fella had tokeep drinking a Hell of a lot, and you know the captains got a tingabout that. And the funny ting is, they say that one day I kickedone o the horrors. D'ye hear dat, kicked one o dem, and kicked it sohard that I broke its spine. You should have seen how the captainwent on about it; he turned blue, lifted me up by the neck and hewould have thrown me overboard into the water if Gregory, the mate,hadn't been there. D'ye know Gregory?" The Swede merely nodded."That's enough now, Captain, says the mate, and he pours a bucket ofwater over me head. So in Kokopo I went on shore." Mister Dinglespat in a long, flat curve. "The old man cares more about dem verminthen he does about people. D'ye know he taught em how to speak? Onmy soul, he used to shut himself in wid em and spend hours talking tothem. I tink he's trainin em for a circus or sometin. But thestrangest ting of all is that then he lets them out into the water.He'd weigh anchor by some pathetic little island, take a boat out tothe shore and check how deep it is there; then he'd come back tothese tanks, open the hatch in the side o the ship and let thesevermin out into the water. And you should see them jumpin outthrough this hatch one after the other like trained seals, ten ortwenty o them. Then in the night old Toch would row out to the shoreagain with some kind o crates. And no-one was ever allowed to knowwhat was in them. Then we'd sail on again somewhere else. So that'show it is wid old Toch, Jens. Very strange. Very, very strange."Mister Dingle's eyes lost their sparkle. "Almighty God, Jens, itgave me the creeps! And I drank, Jens, drank like a lunatic; and inthe night, when there was this tip-tappin all over the ship, and youcould hear them going ts-ts-ts, sometimes I'd tink it was justbecause of the drink. I'd already had that once in Frisco, well youalready know about that, don't you Jensen; only in them days it wasjust millions of spiders I saw. De-li-rium, the doctors called it inthe sailor-hospital. Well, I don't know. But then I asked Big Bingabout it, whether he'd been seein tings in the night and all, and hesaid he had been. Said he'd seen them wid his own eyes how one othese lizards turned the handle on the door and went into thecaptains cabin. Well, I don't know; this Joe, he was a Hell of adrinker and all. What do you tink, Jens, do you tink Bing had thisde-lirium too? What do you tink?" Jensen the Swede merely shruggedhis shoulders. "And dat German fella, Peters, he said that when theyrowed the captain down to the shore in the Manihiki Islands they hidbehind some boulders and watched what the old man was doing wid demcrates of his. Now he says them lizards opened the crates all bythemselves, that the old man gave them the chisel to do it with. Andd'you know what was in them crates? Knives, he said. Great big longknives and harpoons and that sort o ting. Now I don't believe aword of what Peters said meself cause he has to wear them glasses onhis nose, but it's very strange all the same. Now what do you tinkof all this?"

The veins on Jensen's brow bulged. "What I think of this," hegrowled, "is that this German of yours in sticking his nose intothings that are none of his business, understand? And I can tell youI don't think that's wise of him."

"You'd better write and tell him, then," smirked the Irishman."The safest address to write to would be Hell, you can get hold ofhim there. And d'you know what it is that I find strange about all odis? That old Toch goes and visits those lizards of his now andthen, down in whatever place he's set them down in. 'Pon my soul,Jens. He has himself put down on shore in de middle o de night anddoesn't come back till mornin. Now you tell me, Jensen, what is ithe goes down there for? And you tell me, what is it he's got in demparcels he sends off to Europe? Parcels as big as this, look, and hehas them insured for up to a thousand pounds."

"How do you know that?" asked the Swede, scowling even more.

"A fella knows what he knows," replied Mister Dingle evasively."And do you know where old Toch got dese lizards from? From DevilBay. Now there's a fella I know down there, an agent he is, and aneducated man, like, and he told me that dese tings are not trainedlizards. Nottin o de sort. And if anyone says dese are nottin morethan animals you can go and tell dat to the fairies. And don't letanyone tell you otherwise, lad." Mister Dingle gave a significantwink. "Dat's how it is, Jensen, just so's you know. And are yougonna tell me now that Captain van Toch is alright?"

"Say that again," grunted the big Swede threateningly.

"If old man Toch was alright he wouldn't be carrying demons roundthe world wid him...and he wouldn't be settlin em down in all theislands he can find like lice in a fur coat. Listen, just in thetime that I was on board wid him he must have settled a good couple othousand o them. The old mans sold his soul, man. And I know whatit is that these devils are givin him for it. Rubies and pearls andall o that sort o ting. And you can well believe he wouldn't be doinit for nottin."

Jens Jensen turned a deep red. "And what business is it ofyours?" he yelled, slamming his hand down on the table. "You mindyour own damned business!" Little Dingle jumped back in alarm.

"Please," he stuttered in confusion, "what's suddenly...I wasonly telling you what it was I'd seen. And if you like,...it wasjust the impression I got. This is you, Jensen, I can tell you it'sall just delirium if dat's what you want. You needn't get cross widme like dat, Jensen. I've already had that meself once in Frisco,you know about that. Serious case it was, that's what the doctors inthe sailor-hospital said. You have me word of honour I saw theselizards or demons or whatever they were. But maybe there weren'tany."

"You did see them, Pat," said the Swede gloomily. "I saw themtoo."

"No Jens," answered Dingle, "you were just delirious. He's allright, old man Toch, only he shouldn't be carryin demons about allround the world. Tell you what, once I get back home I'll have amass said for the good of his soul. Hang me if I don't."

"We don't do that in our faith," said Jensen, deep in thought andquieter now. "And do you really think it would help someone to havea mass said for him?"

"Enormous help," exclaimed the Irishman. "I've heard of lots ofcases in Ireland when it's been of help, even in the most seriouscases. Even when it's involved demons and the like."

"Then I shall also have a Catholic mass said for him," Jens Jensendecided. "Only I'll have it done here in Marseille. I think they'lldo it cheaper in the big church here, factory prices."

"You could be right there, but an Irish mass is better. You see,in Ireland they've got these priests that really can work magic.Just like some fakir or pagan."

"Listen Pat," said Jensen, "I would give you twelve francs forthis mass here and now. But you are riff-raff, brother; you wouldjust drink it."

"Now Jens, man, d'ye tink I'd take a sin like dat on meself? Butlisten, just so that you'll believe me I'll write you out an IOU forthat twelve francs, will that do you?"

"That would be all right," thought the Swede, who liked to seethings done properly. Mister Dingle borrowed a pen and a piece ofpaper and laid it out flat on the table.

"Now what am I to write down here?" Jens Jensen looked over theIrishman's shoulder.

"So write down at the top that this is a receipt." And MisterDingle, slowly and with his slimey tongue protruding from his mouthwith the effort of it, wrote:

RECEET

I CONFERM THAT I HAVE RECEEVED FROM
JENS JENSEN THE SOM OF 12 FRANCS FOR
A MASS FOR THE SOUL OF CAPTAIN TOCH

PAT DINGLE

"Is dat all right, like dat?" asked Mister Dingle uncertainly."And which of us is going keep dis piece o paper?

"You are of course, you fool," said the Swede. "A receipt is sothat a person won't forget he has been given money."

Mister Dingle drank those twelve francs away in Le Havre. Healso, instead of going to Ireland, sailed off down to Djibouti; inshort, that mass was never said, with the result that no higher powerever did interfere in the course of the events to follow.

Chapter 6

THE YACHT IN THE LAGOON

Mister Abe Loeb squinted into the setting sun; he would have likein some way to express how beautiful it was, but his sweetheart, Li,alias Miss Lily Valley, whose real name was Miss Lilian Nowak and whowas known in short as golden-haired Li, White Lily, Lily Longlegs andall the other names she had been called during her seventeen years,slept on the warm sand, nestled in a fluffy bathing gown and curledup like a sleeping dog. That is why Abe said nothing about thebeauty of the world and merely sighed, scratching his naked feetbecause there was sand on them. Out there on the ocean was the yachtnamed after Gloria Pickford; Abe had been given the yacht by hisfather for passing his university entrance exam. His father was agreat guy. Jesse Loeb, film magnate and so on. Abe, said the oldman, go and get to know something of the world and take a few of yourfriends with you. Jesse Loeb was a truly great guy. Gloria Pickfordlay out there on the pearly waters and next to him, in the warm sand,lay his sweetheart, Li. Abe sighed with happiness. She was sleepinglike a little child, poor thing. Abe felt a yearning to protect hersomehow. I really ought to marry her, thought the young Mister Loebto himself, and as he did so he was tortured with the beautifulfeeling in his heart that comes when a firm decision is mixed withfear. Mamma Loeb would be unlikely to agree to it and Papa Loeb madedecisions with his hands: You're crazy, Abe. His parents would beunable to understand it, and that was all there was to it. AndMister Abe, sighing with tenderness, covered the white ankle of hissweetheart with the tip of her bathing gown. How come I've got suchhairy feet? he thought, absent mindedly.

God it's beautiful here, so beautiful. It's a shame that Li can'tsee it. Mister Abe looked at her charming outline, and through somevague association began to thing about art. This was because hissweetheart, Li, was an artist. A film artist. True, she had neveractually been in any films, but she was quite certain she wouldbecome the greatest film actress ever; and when Li was certain ofsomething that was what happened. That was what Mamma Loeb couldn'tunderstand; an artist is simply an artist, and she can't be likeother girls. And anyway, other girls were no better than she was,Mister Abe decided; that Judy on the yacht, for instance, a rich girllike her--and Abe knew that Fred went into her cabin. Every night,in fact. Whereas Li and I...well Li just isn't like that. I wantBaseball Fred to have the best, Abe thought generously, he's a friendfrom university, but every night...a rich girl like her oughtn't todo that. I think that a girl from a family like Judy's...and Judyisn't even an artist. (That's what these girls sometimes gossipabout, Abe remembered; with their eyes shining, and giggling...Inever talk about that sort of thing with Fred.) (Li oughtn't todrink so many cocktails, she never knows what she's talking aboutafterwards.) (This afternoon, for example, she didn't need to...)(I think she and Judy were arguing about who has nicer legs. Why, itclearly has to be Li. I know these things.) (And Fred didn't haveto have that dumb idea about a beautiful legs contest. They might dothat kind of thing on Palm Beach, but not in private company. Andthe girls didn't have to lift their skirts so high. That was morethan just legs. At least, Li didn't have to. And right there infront of Fred! And a rich girl like Judy didn't have to do iteither.) (Maybe I oughtn't to have called the captain over to be thejudge. That was dumb of me. The captain went so red, and hismustache stuck out, and he excused himself and slammed the door.Awful. Just awful. The captain didn't have to be so coarse aboutit. And anyway, it's my yacht, isn't it?) (True, the captaindoesn't have a sweetheart with him on board; so how's he going tolook on that sort of thing, poor man? Seeing as he's got no choicebut to be alone, I mean.) (And why did Li cry when Fred said Judyhas nice legs? And then she said Fred was a brute, that he wasspoiling the whole trip...Poor Li!) (And now the girls aren'ttalking to each other. And when I wanted to talk to Fred Judy calledhim over like a dog. Fred is my best friend after all. And if he'sJudy's lover of course he's going to say she has nicer legs! True,he didn't have to be so emphatic about it. That wasn't very tactfultowards poor Li; Li is right when she says Fred is a self centeredbrute. A heck of a brute.) (I really didn't think the trip wasgoing to turn out like this. Devil take that Fred!)

Mister Abe realised that he was no longer looking blissfully outat the pearly ocean, but that he was scowling, scowling very hard.He was anxious and no longer in a good mood. Go out and seesomething of the world, Papa Loeb had said. Well have we seensomething of the world? Mister Abe tried hard to remember whatexactly it was he had seen, but he wasn't able to remember anythingexcept how Judy and Li, his sweetheart, had shown their legs to Fred,big shouldered Fred, squatting down in front of them. Abe scowledeven harder. What's this coral island called anyway? Taraiva, thecaptain had said. Taraiva, or Tahuara or Taraihatuara-ta-huara. Howabout if we go back now, and I can say to old Jesse; Dad, we've beento Taraihatuara-ta-huara. (If only I hadn't called the captain over,Mister Abe frowned.) (I have to talk to Li so that she won't do thatsort of thing. God, why do I love her so much! I'll talk to her assoon as she wakes up. I'll tell her we ought to get married...)Mister Abe's eyes were full of tears; oh God, is this love or pain,or is this endless pain just part of me being in love with her?

Sweetheart Li's eyes, made up in blue like a tender shell,fluttered. "Abe," she called sleepily, "know what I've beenthinking? I've been thinking that on this island you could make afan-tas-tic film." Mister Abe sprinkled fine sand over hisunfortunately hairy feet.

"Excellent idea, sweetheart. And what sort of film?" SweetheartLi opened her boundless blue eyes.

"Well how about...Imagine I was stuck on this island likeRobinson Crusoe. A female Robinson Crusoe. Don't you think that's agreat new idea?"

"Yeah," said Mister Abe uncertainly. "And how would you havegotten onto this island?"

"Easy," came her sweet reply. "Our yacht would just have beenshipwrecked in a storm, and all of you would have been drowned, youand Judy and the captain and everyone."

"And how about Fred? Fred's a very strong swimmer." Li's smoothbrow became furrowed.

"In that case, Fred will have to be eaten by a shark. That'd be agreat piece of detail," said Abe's sweetheart, clapping her hands asshe did so. "And Fred has a really beautiful body for it, don't youthink?" Mister Abe sighed.

"And what happens after that?"

"And then I'd be thrown unconscious onto the shore by a big wave.I'd be wearing those pyjamas, the ones with the blue stripes youliked so much the other day." She narrowed her eyes and looked athim in the tender way she had seen used to depict femaleseductiveness. "And the film really needs to be in color, Abe.Everyone says how much the color blue goes with my hair."

"And who would find you here?" asked Mister Abe objectively." Hissweetheart thought for a while.

"No-one. I wouldn't be a Robinson Crusoe if there were peoplehere," she said with a surprising grasp of logic. That's what wouldmake it such a great role, because I'd always be on my own. Justimagine it, Abe, Lily Valley in the title role and only role!"

"And what would you be doing all through the film?" Li leant upon her elbow.

"I've got that all thought out. I'd swim in the lagoon and I'dclimb up on the rocks and sing."

"In your pyjamas?"

"Without my pyjamas," said Abe's sweetheart. "Don't you thinkthat'd be a great success?"

"Well you can't do the whole film naked," grumbled Abe, who feltstrongly opposed to the idea.

"Why not?" answered his sweetheart in innocent surprise. "Who'dbe there to see me?" Mister Abe said something that could not beproperly heard. "And then," Li considered, "and then...I've gotit. Then I'd be captured by a gorilla, you know? A gorilla that'sreally big and black and hairy." Mister Abe went red, and tried tohide his damned hairy feet even deeper in the sand.

"They don't have any gorillas on this island," he objected, notvery convincingly.

"Yes they do. They've got every possible kind of animal here.You have to look at it scientifically, Abe. And a gorilla would goso well with my complexion. Have you noticed how Judy has hairs onher legs?"

"No," said Abe, somewhat displeased at this change of subject.

"Awful legs," thought Abe's sweetheart as she looked down at herown. "And as the gorilla carries me away in its arms a young andhandsome wild man would come out of the jungle and knock itdown."

"How would he be dressed?"

"He'd have a bow and arrow," was his sweethearts unhesitatingreply, "and a wreath on his head. And this wild man would pick me upand take me to the cannibals' campfire."

"There aren't any cannibals here," said Abe in defence of theisland of Tahuara.

"There are too! And the cannibals would want to sacrifice me totheir idols and they'd be singing like they do in Hawaii, you know,like those negroes in the Paradise Restaurant. But one of the youngcannibals would fall in love with me," sighed Abe's sweetheart, hereyes wide open in amazement, "and then another of the savages wouldfall in love with me, it could be the cannibal chief this time, andthen a white man..."

"Where did this white man come from?" asked Abe, just to besure.

"Hell have been there from the start. He could be a famous tenorwho's fallen into the savages clutches. That's so that he can singin the film."

"And what would he be wearing?" Abe's sweetheart looked at herbig to.

"He should be...he should be naked, just like the cannibals."Mister Abe shook his head.

"Sweetheart, that wouldn't work. Famous tenors are alwayshorribly fat."

"Oh, that's such a shame," lamented Abe's sweetheart. "Maybe Fredcould play that part and then the tenor could just do the singing,you know how they do that dubbing in films."

"But Fred was eaten by a shark!" Abe's sweetheart frowned.

"You don't need to be so realistic all the time, Abe. I justcan't talk about art with you. And then this king of the cannibalswould put strings and strings of pearls around my neck..."

"Where does he get them from?"

"Why there's lots of pearls here," Li insisted. "And then Fredgets jealous and boxes with him on the rocks overlooking the sea asit crashes on shore. Don't you think Fred would have a fantasticsilhouette against the sky? Isn't that a great idea? And then thetwo of them would fall into the sea..." This thought cheered Abe upslightly. "And then you could have that detail with the shark.Think how mad it would make Judy if Fred played in a film with me!And I'd get married to this beautiful wild man." The golden-hairedLi jumped up from where she lay. "I'd be standing here on the shorelike this, outlined against the setting sun, entirely naked, and thefilm would slowly come to a close." Li threw off her bathing gown."And now I'm going to go for a swim."

"...You haven't got your bathing suit," pointed out Abe in alarm,looking out to the yacht to see if anyone was watching; but Li, hissweetheart, was already dancing across the sand to the lagoon.

Suddenly, Abe heard a voice: "Actually, she does look better withher clothes on." The voice was brutally cool and critical. Abe feltcrushed at his lack of erotic admiration, he even felt almost guiltyabout it. But, well, when Li is wearing her clothes and stockingsshe does, well, seem more beautiful somehow. In his own defence, Abeconsidered that what he meant was more decent. Well, that as well.And nicer. And why's she running like that? And why do her thighswobble like that? And why...Stop this! Abe told himself inhorror. Li is the most beautiful girl that ever lived. And I'mterribly in love with her. "Even when she's got nothing on?" askedthe cool and critical voice. Abe turned his eyes away and looked atthe yacht in the lagoon. It was so beautiful, every line wasperfect! It's a shame that Fred isn't here. If Fred were here wecould talk about how beautiful the yacht is.

Meanwhile, Abe's sweetheart had reached the water and was standingin it up to her knees, her arms were stretched out to the setting Sunand she was singing. She can go and swim in Hell, thought Abe inirritation. But it had been nice while she was lying there curled upin a ball, wrapped in her bathing gown and with her eyes closed.Dear Li. And with a touching sigh, Abe kissed the sleeve of herbathing gown. Yes, he was terribly in love with her. So much inlove it hurt.

There was a sudden, piercing scream from the lagoon. Abe liftedhimself up on his elbow so that he could see better. Li, hissweetheart, was screaming, waving her arms in the air and rushingthrough the water to the shore, floundering and splashing water allaround. Abe jumped up and ran to her. "What is it, Li?" (Look atthat stupid way she runs, the cool and critical voice remarked. Shethrows her legs about. She flaps her arms about. It just isn'tnice. And she's even squawking as she does it, yes, she squawks.)"What's happened, Li?" called Abe as he ran to her assistance.

"Abe, Abe," squawked his sweetheart, and all of a sudden she wasthere hanging, cold and wet, around his neck. "Abe there's some kindof animal out there!"

"Why that's nothing," laughed Abe. "It must be some kind offish."

"Not with an awful head like that," his sweetheart howled, andpressed her wet nose against Abe's breast. Abe wanted to pat her onthe shoulder like a father, but on her wet body it would have soundedmore like a slap.

"Alright, alright," he muttered, "look out there, there's nothingthere any more." Li looked out to the lagoon.

"It was awful," she sighed, then suddenly started to howl again."There, there, you see it?" There was the black head of somethingabove the water slowly coming in to shore, its mouth opening andclosing. Abe's sweetheart Li screamed hysterically and set off indesperate flight away from the water.

Abe did not know what he should do. Should he run after Li sothat she would not be so afraid? Or should he stay where he was toshow that he had no fear of this animal himself? He chose, ofcourse, the second option; strode towards the sea until he was up tohis ankles in water and, his fists clenched, looked the creature inthe eye. The black head stopped coming closer, it swayed oddly, andsaid: Ts-ts-ts. Abe was somewhat uneasy about this, but he could notpossibly let it be seen. "What is it you want?" he said sharply.

"Ts-ts-ts," the head replied.

"Abe, Abe, A-a-abe," sweetheart Li shrieked.

"I'm coming," Abe replied, and he slowly (so that nobody would getthe wrong idea) went back towards his girl. He stopped and turned tolook severely at the sea. At the waters edge, where the sea neverstops tracing its lacey patterns in the sand, there was some kind ofdark-coloured animal standing on its hind legs. Its head was roundand its body swayed. Abe stood where he was with his heart beatingfast.

"Ts-ts-ts," said the animal.

"A-a-abe" wailed his sweetheart, close to fainting. Abe walkedbackwards, step by step, without letting the animal out of hissight. The animal did not move but merely turned its head to watchhim. At last, Abe was once more with his sweetheart, who was lyingwith her face to the ground and howling and blubbering with thehorror of it.

"It's...it's some kind of seal," said Abe uncertainly. "Wereally ought to go back to the ship, Li." But Li merely shuddered."There's nothing there to be frightened of," Abe insisted. He wantedto kneel down beside Li, but it was his duty to stand like a knightin armour between her and the beast. He wished he were wearing morethan just bathing trunks, or that he had at least something like apenknife with him, or that he could find a stick.

It was beginning to get dark. The animal came closer again andstopped about thirty paces away. And behind it were five, six, eightof the same animal appearing out of the sea and hesitantly, swayingand tip-tapping, they made their way to where Abe was protecting hissweetheart, Li. "Don't look, Li," gasped Abe, although this wasquite unnecessary as Li would not have looked for anything in theworld. More of the shadows came out of the sea and formed into abroad semi-circle. By now there was about sixty of them, Abereckoned. That light patch was his sweetheart Li's bathing gown, thegown she had been asleep in only a short time before. The animalshad come as far as this light patch, which lay carelessly thrown downon the sand.

Then Abe did something as natural and as nonsensical as the knightin the Schiller story who went into the lion's cage to fetch hislady's glove. There are many natural and nonsensical things that menwill keep on doing for as long as the world is still spinning.Without thinking, and with his head erect and his fists clenched,Mister Abe Loeb went in among the animals to fetch the bathing gownbelonging to his sweetheart, Li.

The animals stepped back slightly but did not run away. Abepicked up the gown, threw it over his arm like a toreador andremained standing where he was. "A-abe," came the desperate whinefrom behind him.

Mister Abe felt a sense of boundless strength and nobility. "Whatthen?" he said to the animals, taking a step closer. "What exactlyis it you want?"

"Ts-ts," hissed one of the animals, and then, in a rasping voicelike an old mans, it barked, "Knife!" The other animals, a littleway away joined in, barking like the first: "Knife, knife,knife!"

"A-abe!"

"Don't be afraid, Li," Abe called back.

"Li," came a bark from in front of him. "Li." "Li."

"A-a-abe!" To Abe it seemed like he was dreaming.

"What is it?"

"Knife!"

"A-a-abe!" wailed his sweetheart. "Come back here!"

"Right away.--I don't have a knife. I'm not going to hurtyou. What is it you want?"

"Ts-ts," hissed another of them as it swayed its way across tohim. Abe stood with his legs apart, the gown still over his arm, buthe did not retreat. "Ts-ts," it said.

"What is it you want?" The animal seemed to be offering Abe itsfront paw, but Abe did not like this at all. "What?" he said,somewhat sharply.

"Knife," barked the animal, and dropped something whitish, like abeads, from its paw. But they were not beads as they rolled acrossthe sand.

"A-abe," stammered Li. "Don't leave me here!"

By now, Mister Abe was no longer afraid. "Get out of the way," hesaid, waving the bathing gown at the animals. The animals made asudden and hasty retreat. It would now be possible for Abe towithdraw with honour, but so that Li would see what courage he had hestooped down to pick up the white things the animal had dropped fromits paw and see what they were. There were three of them, hard,smooth and round and with a dull sheen to them. As it was gettingdark, Mister Abe brought them up close to his eyes.

"A-abe," wailed his abandoned sweetheart, "Abe!"

"I'm coming," Mister Abe called back. "Li, I've got somethinghere for you! Li, Li, I'll bring it right over!" With the bathinggown whirling above his head, Mister Abe Loeb ran across along theshore like a young god.

Li was squatting a little way off and shaking. "Abe," she sobbedas her teeth chattered. "How could you,...how could you..." Thetriumphant Abe knelt down in front of her.

"Lily Valley, the gods of the sea, the Tritons, come to pay youhomage. I am to tell you that ever since Venus emerged from thefoaming deep no artist has ever impressed them like you. As proof oftheir awe they send you this." Abe held out his hand. "Look, threepearls."

"Don't talk garbage, Abe," snorted his sweetheart, Li.

"Honest, Li. Take a look, they're genuine pearls!"

"Let me see them," she whined, and with trembling hands reachedout to touch the whitish spheres. "Abe," she gasped, " they reallyare pearls! Did you find them in the sand?"

"But Li, Sweetheart, you don't just find pearls in the sand!"

"Yes you do," his sweetheart insisted. "You wash the sand off ina pan and there they are. Didn't I tell you there must be lots ofpearls round here?"

"Pearls grow in kind of clams under the water," said Abe, almostsure of himself. "But listen, Li, it was the tritons, they broughtthem for you? They must have seen you while you were bathing. Theywanted to give them to personally, but you were so afraid..."

"But they're so ugly," exclaimed Li. "Abe these are wonderfulpearls. I'm really fond of pearls!" (Now she's beautiful, said thecritical voice. Kneeling here in the sand with the pearls on thepalm of her hand...yes, beautiful, it has to be said.) "And those,those animals, did they really..."

"They're not animals, sweetheart. They're the gods of the sea,they're called tritons." This did not surprise his sweetheart in theslightest.

"Why, that's so nice of them. They really are very sweet. Whatdo you think, Abe, do you think I ought to thank them in someway."

"Aren't you afraid of them any more?" Abe's sweetheartshuddered.

"Yes. Abe, please, get me out of here!"

"Well that means," said Abe, "we've got to get to our boat. Comewith me and don't be afraid."

"But what if...what if they're standing in our way, Abe?"shuddered Li. "Couldn't you go out there to them on your own? Butyou can't leave me here all by myself!"

"I'll carry you in my arms," offered Mister Abe, the hero.

"That would be all right," his sweetheart sighed.

"But put your bathing gown on," grumbled Abe.

"Right away." Miss Li rearranged her famously golden hair withboth hands. "I must look an awful mess! Abe, do you have anylipstick on you?" Abe lay the bathing gown over her shoulders.

"I think it's best just to go, Li!"

"But I'm afraid," gasped his sweetheart. Mister Abe took her upin his arms. Li thought she was as light as a cloud. Hell, she'sheavier than you thought, isn't she, said the critical voice. Andnow you've got both hands full, haven't you; if those animals do comeat us, what then? "Can't you run any faster?" his sweetheartsuggested.

"Sure," gasped Mister Abe, hardly able not to get his legs in atangle. By this time it was getting dark very fast. Abe was gettingcloser to the broad semi-circle formed by the animals.

"Hurry Abe, faster, faster," whispered Li. The animals began tosway and gyrate the upper half of their bodies in their peculiarwave-like way. "Quick, Abe, hurry, faster," his sweetheart whined asshe kicked her legs about hysterically and jagging hersilver-lacquered nails in Abe's neck.

"For Gods sake, Li, give it a rest," Abe muttered.

"Knife," came a barking voice from just beside them.

"Ts-ts-ts."

"Knife."

"Li."

"Knife."

"Knife."

"Knife."

"Li."

They had already got past the semi-circle of animals, and Abe felthe could run no further through the damp sand. "You can put me down,now," said his sweetheart, just as Abe's legs were about to giveway. He wiped the sweat from his brow as he panted for breath.

"Get into the boat, quick," he ordered his sweetheart. Thesemi-circle of dark shapes had turned to face Li and was comingcloser.

"Ts-ts-ts."

"Knife."

"Knife."

"Li."

But Li did not scream. Li did not run away in terror. Li raisedher arms to the sky, the bathing gown slipped off her shoulders, andnaked and with both hands she waved to the swaying forms, blowingkisses to them as she did. On her trembling lips there appearedsomething which could only be called a charming smile. "You're sosweet," she stuttered in her squeaky voice, and stretched her whitehands out once again to the swaying shadows.

"Come and give me a hand, Li," Abe ordered somewhat sharply as hepushed the boat out into the water. Sweetheart Li picked up herbathing gown.

"Goodbye, my darlings!" There was a sound of splashing as theshadows made their way into the water. "So hurry up, Abe," hissedhis sweetheart as she paddled out to the boat. "They've nearlyreached us!" Mister Abe Loeb was making desperate exertions to getthe boat out into the water when sweetheart Li stepped into it to addto the weight, still fluttering her hand about. "Go over to theother side, Abe, they can't see me."

"Knife."

"Ts-ts-ts."

"A-abe."

"Knife, ts, knife."

"Ts-ts."

"Knife!"

At last the boat was bobbing on the waves. Mister Abe clamberedinto it and leant with all his strength on the oars. One of the oarsstruck against something slippery.

Sweetheart Li made a deep sigh. "Aren't they so sweet? Andwasn't I just perfect?" Mister Abe rowed out to the yacht with allthe strength he had.

"Put your bathing gown on, Li," he replied somewhat drily.

"I think I was a great success," asserted Miss Li. "And thosepearls, Abe, what do you think they're worth?" For a moment, MisterAbe stopped rowing.

"I think you needn't have shown so much of yourself, sweetheart."Miss Li felt slightly offended.

"Well what if I did? Anyone can see that you're not an artist,Abe Loeb. And now, if you don't mind, keep rowing; I'm getting coldin just this gown!"

Chapter 7

THE YACHT IN THE LAGOON (continued)

Chapter 8

ANDRIAS SCHEUCHZERI

The inquisitiveness of man is boundless. It was not enough thatProfessor J. W. Hopkins (Yale University), the greatest authority ofthe day in the field of herpatology, had declared these mysteriouscreatures to be unscientific humbug and mere fantasy; both thespecialist and the general press began to report frequent discoveriesof these previously unknown animals, resembling giant newts, in allparts of the Pacific Ocean. Relatively reliable reports came fromthe Solomon Isles, Schoutoen Island, Kapingamarang, Butarit andTapeteuea, and then further reports came from entire archipelagoes:Nudufetau, Fanufuti, Nukonono and Fukaofu, and then from Kiau,Uahuka, Uapu and Pukapuka. Rumours about Captain van Toch's demonsand Miss Lily's tritons circulated around Melanesia and Polynesiarespectively; and the papers judged there must be various kinds ofunderwater and prehistoric monsters, especially as the summer hadbegun and there was nothing else to write about. The underwatermonsters were especially successful among their readers and tritonsbecame the height of fashion in the USA that season; a spectacularrevue called Poseidon was performed three hundred times in New Yorkwith three hundred of the most beautiful tritonesses and syrens; onthe beaches of Miami and California young people bathed in costumesof tritons and nayads (ie. three strings of pearls and nothing else),while in the states of the midwest the Movement for the Suppressionof Immorality gained enormously in numbers; there were publicdemonstrations and several negroes were hanged or burned alive.

Eventually the National Geographic Magazine published a specialedition covering the scientific expeditions of Columbia University(instigated by J.S. Tincker, otherwise known as the Tin-can King).The reports were endorsed by P. L. Smith, W. Kleinschmidt, CharlesKovar, Louis Forgeron and D. Herrero , which covered all the worlds'authorities in the disciplines of fish parasites, ringworm, botany,infusoria and aphids. Their extensive coverage included:

...On the island of Rakahanga the expedition first encounteredprints left by the rear legs of a hitherto unknown species of newt.The prints show five toes, between three and four centimetres long.The number of prints left shows that the coast around the island musthave been swarming with these newts. There were no prints of frontlegs (apart from one set of four, clearly left by a juvenile),showing clearly that these newt move about on their rear limbs.

...It is worth mentioning that there is neither river normarshland on the island of Rakahanga; this indicates that these newtslive in the sea and are most likely the only representatives of thatorder living in a pelagic environment. It is well known, of course,that the Mexican axolotl (Amblystoma mexicanum) lives in salt lakes,but not even the classic work of W. Korngold, Caudate Amphibians(Urodela), Berlin, 1913, makes any mention of newts living in thesea.

...We waited until into the afternoon in order that we mightcatch, or at least catch sight of, a live specimen, but in vain.With some regret, we left the island of Rakahanga, where D. Herrerhad been successful in finding a beautiful new species of lizardheperoptera. We met with much greater success, however, on theisland of Tongarewa. We waited on the foreshore with our guns in ourhands. Soon after sunset, the head of a newt emerged from the water,relatively large and slightly flattened. After a short while thenewts climbed out onto the sand, swaying as they walked on their hindlegs but nonetheless quite agile. When sitting they were just overthree feet in height. They sat around in a wide circle and beganmaking distinctive and vigorous circling movements of the upper partsof their bodies, giving the impression that they were dancing. W.Kleinschmidt stood up in order to obtain a better view. At this, thenewts turned to look at him and soon were entirely stiff andmotionless; they then began with remarkable speed to approach him,uttering sibilant barking sounds. When they were about seven pacesaway we opened fire on them. They fled, very quickly, and threwthemselves into the sea; they were not seen again that evening. Onthe shore, there remained no more than two dead newts and one newtwith a broken spine, uttering an odd sound, something like ogod,ogod, ogod. It then expired after W. Kleinschmidt used a knife toopen its pulmonary cavity...

(There followed a series of anatomical details which we laymenwould be unable to understand; readers with specialist knowledge arereferred to the bulletin cited.)

The above indicators make it clear that this was a typicalmember of the order of caudate amphibians (urodela) which, as iswidely known, includes the salamander genus (salamandridae),comprising the family of spotted salamanders (tritons) and newts(salamandrae), and the family of tadpole spawning newts(ichthyoidea), made up of the pseudo-gilled newts (cryptobranchiata)and the gilled newts (phanerobranchiata). The newt found on theisland of Tongarewa seems to be most closely related to the tadpolespawning pseudo-gilled newts; in many respects, including its size,it is reminiscent of the great Japanese newt (megalobatrachussieboldii) or the American hellbender, better known as the mud devil,but it does distinguish itself from these species by its welldeveloped sensors and the greater length and strength of its limbswhich enable it to move with some facility both in water and onland. (There followed further details of comparative anatomy).

Andrias Scheuchzeri

After we had prepared the skeletons of the animals killed wemade a very interesting observation: the skeleton of these newts isalmost identical with the fossil remains of a newt's skeleton foundby Dr. Johannes Jakob Scheuchzer in the ×hningen Faultand described by him in his "Homo Diluvii Testis", published in1726. Readers less familiar with his work are reminded that theabove mentioned Dr. Scheuchzer regarded this fossil as the remains ofa human being from before the Flood. "Members of the educatedWorld," he writes, "will see from the accompanying Woodcut that thereis no Doubt whatsoever that we are dealing with a Man who was Witnessto the Great Flood; there is no Feature that does not make ampleDisplay of what could only be a Feature of Mankind, for it doeseverywhere conform with all the individual Parts of the Skeleton ofMan in all its Dimensions. It is a Man made of Stone and shown fromthe Front; it is a Memorial of Man in a Form now extinct, older thanall the Tombs of the Romans, Greeks or even Egyptians or any otherPeople of the East." At a later date, Cuvier recognised the×hningen fossil skeleton as that of a newt, known asCryptobranchus Primaevus or Andrias Scheuchzeri Tschudi and longsince considered extinct. By means of osteological comparisonswewere able to identify this newt as the primitive and supposedlyextinct newt, Andrias. The mysterious ancient reptile, as thenewspapers described it, is nothing other than the newt with coveredgills known from the fossil record as Andrias Scheuchzeri; or if anew name is needed Cryptobranchus Tinckeri Erectus or the PolynesianGreat Newt.

...The question as to why this interesting giant newt hashitherto escaped scientific attention remains a mystery, especiallyconsidering the large numbers in which it is found on the islands ofRakahanga and Tongarewa in the Manihiki archipelago. NeitherRandolph nor Montgomery make mention of it in their publication TwoYears in the Manihiki Islands (1885). The local inhabitants insistthat this animal--which they also consider to be poisonous--beganto appear no more than six or eight years ago. They say that thesesea demons are capable of speech (!), and that in the bays where theylive they construct entire systems of weirs and sea-walls in a waythat resembles underwater cities; that the water in their baysremains as still as a mill pond throughout the entire year; that theyexcavate dens and passages in the ground under the water which aremany meters long and in which they remain during the day; that atnight they come out into the fields to steal sweet potatoes and yamsand take hoes and pickaxes and other tools from the humanpopulation. The native people have developed a strong aversion tothe newts and even live somewhat in fear of them; many of them havepreferred to move away to other areas. It is clear that this isnothing more than primitive legends and superstitions resulting fromthe revolting appearance and upright stance and gait, somewhatresembling the walk of a human being, of these harmless giantnewts.

...Travellers tales, according to which these newts are alsoto be found on other islands than Manihiki, should be taken withextreme caution. Nonetheless, there is no doubt that the freshfootprints found on the shore of the island of Tongatabu andpublished by Captain Croisset in La Nature are those of AndriasScheuchzer. This finding is of especial importance given that theyform a connection between their appearance on the Manihiki Islandswith Australasia, where so many vestiges of the development ofancient fauna have been preserved; let us bear in mind in particularthe antediluvian lizard hateri or tuatara, which survives to this dayon Stephen Island. These islands are mostly sparsely inhabited andhardly touched by civilization, and it is possible that isolatedremains of species elsewhere extinct may have continued to survivethere. Thanks to the efforts of Mister J.S. Tincker, an antediluviannewt has now been added to the ancient lizard, hateri. If the goodDr. Johannes Jakob Scheuchzer were alive today he would see theresurrection of his Adam of ×hningen...

Chapter 9

ANDREW SCHEUCHZER

Chapter 10

TOWN CARNIVAL IN NOVÃ STRÅACÃ

Mister Povondra, the butler in the Bondy household, was spendingthis holiday in his native town. There was to be a carnival thefollowing day; and when Mister Povondra went out he led his eightyear old son, Frank, by the hand. The whole of NovéSTRšací was filled with the scent of cakesand pastries and across the street were women and girls coming andgoing to the bakers with cakes. Two tents had already been set up onthe square selling sweets and cakes and coffee, and a hardware dealerwas there with his glass and porcelain, and a woman was shouting thatshe had embroidery and knitwear of every sort you could think of.And then there was a hut made of canvas covered in cloth on allsides. A lightly built man stood there on a ladder fixing on a signat the top of it.

Mister Povondra stopped so that he could see what it said.

The thin man climbed down from his ladder and looked upcontentedly at the sign he had just put up. And Mister Povondra,with some surprise, read:

CAPTAIN J. VAN TOCH

and his performing newts

Mister Povondra thought of the big fat man with the captain's capwho he had once shown in to see Mister Bondy. And now look where heis, the poor man, thought Mister Povondra in sympathy; a captain hewas, and now he's travelling about with some pitiful circus act!Such an impressive and healthy man he was! Maybe I should go in andsee how he is, thought the compassionate Mister Povondra.

Meanwhile, the thin man had hung up a second sign at the entranceto the tent:

!! TALKING LIZARDS !!

!! THE GREATEST SCIENTIFIC SENSATION!!

Entrance 2 koruny. Children(accompanied by parents) half price!

Mister Povondra hesitated. Two koruny and another koruna for thelad, that was not cheap. But Frank liked to learn things, and itwould all be part of his education to learn about animals in otherparts of the world. Mister Povondra was willing to sacrificesomething for the boy's education, and so he walked up to the thinman. "Hello," he said, "I'd like to talk to Captain van Toch ifthat's alright." The little man's chest expanded in his stripeyteeshirt.

"I'm Captain van Toch, sir."

"You're Captain van Toch?" answered Mister Povondra insurprise.

"Yes sir," said the little man, and showed him the anchor tattooedon his wrist." Mister Povondra blinked in surprise. How could thecaptain have shrunk down so small? Surely that's not possible.

"I am personally acquainted with Captain van Toch," he said. "Myname is Povondra."

"Ah, that's different, then," said the little man. "But thesenewts really are Captain van Toch's. Guaranteed genuine Australianlizards. Come and have a look inside. Were just starting the mainshow now," he said as he lifted the sheet at the entrance.

"Come along, Frank," said Frank's father, and in they went. Anexceptionally big and fat woman quickly sat down behind a littletable. An odd couple they make, thought Mister Povondra as he paidhis three koruny. Inside the tent there was nothing but a ratherunpleasant smell and a tin bath.

"Where are the newts?" Mister Povondra asked.

"In that bathtub," yawned the enormous woman.

"Now, don't be afraid, Frank," said Mister Povondra, and hestepped up to the bath. In the water lay something black andimmobile, about the size of a fully grown catfish; except that itshead seemed to be slightly flat and the skin behind it swollen.

"That's the prehistoric newt they've been writing about in all thepapers," said Mister Povondra to his son didactically, not lettingthe boy see his disappointment. (Cheated again, he thought, but idbetter not let the boy see it. Three koruny down the drain!)

"Dad, why's it sitting in a tub of water?" Frank asked.

"Because that's where newts live, in water."

"And what do newts eat?"

"Fish and that sort of thing," suggested Mister Povondra to hisson. (Well they had to eat something, he supposed.)

"And why's it so ugly?" Frank continued. Mister Povondra didn'tknow what to say to that; but at that moment the spindly little mancame into the tent.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," he began in his cacklingvoice.

"Don't you have more than just one newt?" Mister Povondra askedaccusingly. (If there were at least two of them we'd be more likegetting our moneys worth.)

"The other one died," said the man. "This, ladies and gentlemen,is the famous Andrias, the rare and poisonous lizard from the islandsof Australasia. In its native environment it grows to the size of aman and walks on two legs. Come on then," he said as he turned tothe black and listless thing in the bathtub, jabbing at it with astick. The black thing stirred itself and, with some effort, raiseditself from the water. Frank recoiled a little but Mister Povondraheld his hand tightly, don't be afraid, Daddy's here.

The newt stood on its hind legs and supported itself against theside of the tub with its front paws. The gills on the back of itshead twitched spasmodically and it breathed with difficulty throughits black snout. Its skin was too loose and covered in warts andbloody sores, its eyes were round like a frog's and it seemed in painwhen it blinked with some kind of membrane from under the eye.

"As you see, ladies and gentlemen," the man continued in hiscracked voice, "this is an animal that lives in water; which is whyit is equipped with both gills and with lungs to breathe with when itcomes out onto land. It has five toes, but only four fingers, butcan nonetheless hold various items. Here." The animal closed itsfingers around the mans stick and held it in front of itself like apitiful sceptre. "It can also tie knots in a piece of rope," the mandeclared as he took the stick away and gave the newt a piece of dirtyrope. It held the rope in its hands for a moment and then did indeedtie a knot. "It can also play on a drum and dance," the man cackledas he gave the animal a children's drum and drumstick. The animalstruck the drum a few times and twisted the upper half of its bodyround; then it dropped the stick into the water. "What d'ye do thatfor, vermin?" the man snarled as he fished the stick out. "And thisanimal," he declared, raising his voice back to its showman's leveland clapping his hands, "is so intelligent and gifted that it is ableto speak like a human being."

"Guten Morgen," the animal rasped, painfully blinking with itslower eyelids. "Good morning." Mister Povondra was startled, but itseemed to make no great impression on Frank.

"What do you say to our honoured public?" the man askedsharply.

"Welcome to our show," said the newt with a bow as his gillstwitched round. "Willkommen. Ben venuti."

"Can you do arithmetic?"

"I can."

"How much is six times seven?"

"Forty-two," croaked the newt with some effort.

"There, you see Frank?" Franks father pointed out. "It can doarithmetic."

"Ladies and gentlemen," the skinny man crowed, "you are invited toask questions of your own."

"Ask him something, Frank," Mister Povondra suggested. Franksquirmed.

"How much is eight times nine?" he finally shouted out; it clearlyseemed to him to be one of the hardest questions possible. The newtthought for a while.

"Seventy-two."

"What's the day today?" Mister Povondra asked.

"Saturday," said the newt. Mister Povondra was veryimpressed.

"Just like a human being. What's the name of this town?" Thenewt opened its mouth and blinked.

"It's getting a bit tired now," the man interjected. "Now what doyou say to the ladies and gentlemen?" The newt bowed.

"I am honoured. Thank you very much. Goodbye. Au revoir." Andit quickly hid back in the water.

"That...that's a very remarkable animal," said Mister Povondrain wonderment; but three koruny was quite a high price to pay, so headded, "What else do you have to show the boy?" The skinny man wasperplexed and pulled on his lower lip.

"That's all," he said. "I used to have some monkeys and all," heexplained uncertainly, "but they were too much trouble. I could showyou me wife if you like. The fattest woman in the world, she used tobe. Maruška, come over here!" Maruškaheaved herself onto her feet.

"What is it?"

"Let the gentlemen have a look at you." The fattest woman in theworld put her head coquettishly to one side, raised one leg in frontof her and lifted her skirt above the knee. This revealed her redknitted stocking which contained something pale and massive, like aleg of ham. "The upper part of the leg has a circumference ofeighty-four centimetres," the desiccated little man explained, "onlythere's so much competition these days that Maruškaisn't the fattest woman in the world any more." Mister Povondrapulled his astonished Frank away.

"Glad to meet you," a voice rasped from the bathtub. "Do comeagain. Auf wiedersehen."

"What did you think of that, then, Frank?" Mister Povondra asked,once they were outside. "Did you learn something?"

"Yes Dad," said Frank. "Dad, why was that lady wearing redstockings?"

Chapter 11

THE ANTHROPOSAURUSES

It would certainly be an overstatement to say that nobody at thattime ever spoke or wrote about anything but the talking newts.People also talked and wrote about other things such as the next war,the economic crisis, football, vitamins and fashion; but there was alot written about the newts, and much of it was very ill-informed.This is why the outstanding scientist, Professor Vladimir Uher(University of Brno), wrote an article for the newspaper in which hepointed out that the putative ability of Andrias Scheuchzer to speak,which was really no more than the ability to repeat spoken words likea parrot, was of far less interest from a scientific point of viewthan some of the other questions surrounding this remarkableamphibian. For the scientist, the mysteries of Andrias Scheuchzeriwere quite different: where, for instance, did it come from; wherehad it been throughout entire geological periods; how did it remainunknown for so long when reports of it now were coming in from alltropical parts of the Pacific Ocean. It seems to have beenmultiplying at an exceptional speed in recent times; how had itacquired such amazing vitality while still in a primitive triassicform, and how had it remained entirely hidden until recently,existing, most likely, in extremely isolated geographic pockets? Hadthere been a change of some sort in this ancient newt that broughtbiological advantages so that this rare vestige from the mioceneperiod was given a new and remarkably effective period of existence?In this case it would not be out of the question for Andrias not onlyto multiply but even to evolve into a better form, and that humanscience would have the unique opportunity to assist in some of theenormous changes to be undergone by at least one animal species. Theability of Andrias Scheuchzeri to grunt a few dozen words and learn afew phrases--which the lay public perceives as a sign of some kindof intelligence--is no great wonder from a scientific point of view;but the power and vigour with which it shows its ability to survive,bringing it so suddenly and so successfully back to life afterspending so long in abeyance, in a retarded state of development andnearly extinct, is no less than miraculous. There are some unusualcircumstances to be considered here: Andrias Scheuchzeri is the onlyspecies of newt living in the sea and--even more remarkable--theonly newt to be found in the area from Ethiopia to Australasia, theLemuria of ancient myths. Could we not almost say that Nature nowwishes to add another form of animal to the world by a precipitateacceleration of the development of a single species, a species whichshe has so far neglected or has so far been unable to bring fully tolife? Moreover: it would be odd if the giant newts of Japan andthose of the Alleghan Islands did not have some connecting link inthe regions of the ocean lying between them. If Andrias had not beenfound it would have been necessary to postulate its existence in thevery places where it was found; it would simply be needed to fill thespace where, according to the geographic and developmental context,it must have been since ancient times. Be that as it may, thelearned professor's article concluded, this evolutionary resurrectionof a miocene newt cannot fail to fill us all with as much reverenceas astonishment at the Genius of Evolution on our planet which isclearly still far from ending its creative task.

This article was published despite the tacit, but definite, viewof the editors that a learned article of this sort does not belong ina newspaper. Soon afterwards, Professor Uher received a letter fromone of its readers:

Esteemed Professor Uher,

Last year I bought a house on the town square inČáslav. While examining the house I founda box in the attic containing some rare and very old papers whichwere clearly of a scientific nature. They included two years' issuesof Hýbel's journal, Hyllosfor the years 1821and 22, Jan Svatopluk Presl's Mammals, VojtÄ›chSedláÄek Základ's Nature ofPhysics, nineteen years' issues of the general educationalpublication, Progress, and thirteen years' issues ofthe Czech Museum Magazine.Inserted next to Preslstranslation of Cuviers Discussion of Upheavals in the EarthsCrust(from 1834) I found and article torn out of some oldnewspaper about some remarkable lizards.

When I read your distinguished article about these mysteriousnewts I was reminded of this box and brought it back down. I thinkit might be of some interest to you, and I am therefore, as anenthusiastic nature lover and great admirer of your works, sendingits contents to you.

With deepest respects,

J. V. Najman

The cutting included with this letter bore neither title nor date;but the style and spelling suggest it came from the third or fourthdecade of the nineteenth century; it was accordingly so yellow anddecayed that it was very hard to read. Professor Uher was about tothrow it into the bin but he was somehow impressed by the age of thispiece of printed paper; he began to read; and after a short time heexclaimed "My God!" and readjusted his glasses. The cutting bore thefollowing text:

Concerning Anthropoid Lizards

We read in one of the newspapers published overseas that a certaincaptain, the commander of an English man of war, having returned froma voyage to distant lands, has brought back reports concerning somerather remarkable lizards which he encountered on a minor island inthe Australian ocean. On this island, we are told, there is to befound a salt water lake which has neither access to the open sea norany other means of approach not involving great exertions anddifficulties. It was this salt lake that the aforementioned captainand his medical officer had chosen for their recreation when from itemerged some unfamiliar animals. These animals greatly resembledlizards, their means of locomotion, however, was on two legs similarto human beings. In size they were comparable with a sea lion orseal, and once on shore they began to move around in their peculiarmanner, giving the impression of a charming and elegant dance. Thecaptain and his medical officer were successful in obtaining one ofthese animals by means of their guns and inform us that their bodiesare of a slimey character, without hair and without anythingresembling scales, so that they bear some resemblance tosalamanders. The following day, when they returned to the same spot,they were obliged immediately to depart again because of theoverpowering stench, and they instructed their divers to hunt all thenewts in the lake with their nets, by which means all but a few ofthe animals were annihilated, leaving no more than two examples whichwere taken on board the ship. Upon establishing that their bodiescontained some kind of poison and the skin was burning to the touchin a way that resembled the sting of a nettle, the animals wereplaced in barrels of salt water in order that they might be returnedto england alive. However, while the ship was near the island ofsumatra the captive lizards were successful in making their way fromthe barrels, opening without any assistance one of the windows of alower deck, throwing themselves into the sea, and making their escapeunder cover of darkness. According to the testimony of officers andratings on board the ship these animals were remarkably odd and sly,walking as they did on their hind legs, and issuing strange barkingand squelching sounds. They seemed however to present no danger toman. It would seem appropriate from the preceding to give them thename 'anthroposaurus'.

So the cutting went. "My God!" repeated the professor in someexcitement, "why is there no date or title on this cutting? And whatwas this foreign newspaper named by this certain commander and whatEnglish ship was this? What was the small island in the AustralianOcean? couldn't these people have been a bit more precise and a bitmore, well, a bit more scientific? This is a historic document, it'spriceless..."

A small island in the Australian Ocean, yes. A small salt waterlake. It sounds like a coral island, an atoll with a salt lagoon,difficult of access: just the sort of place a prehistoric species ofthis sort might survive, isolated from the evolutional developmentsof other species and undisturbed in a natural reservation. Of coursethey wouldn't have been able to multiply because of the lack of foodin the lake. It's obvious, the professor said to himself. An animalsimilar to a lizard, but without scales and walking on its hind legslike a man: it could only be Andrias Scheuchzeri, or another newtclosely related to it. Supposing it was the same Andrias. Supposingthose damned divers in that lagoon wiped them out and just the onepair were taken alive onto that ship; a pair that escaped into thesea by Sumatra. That would mean right on the Equator, in conditionshighly favourable for life and with unlimited food. Could it be thatthis change of environment gave this miocene newt a powerful newevolutionary impulse? It was certainly used to salt water: letssuppose its new home was a calm, enclosed bay with plenty of food;what would happen then? The newts transposed into an environmentwith optimal conditions, having enormous vigour; their populationwould burgeon. That's it, the scientist declared joyfully. The newtswould start to develop uncontrollably; they would throw themselvesinto life like mad; they would multiply at an amazing rate becausetheir eggs and their tadpoles would have no particular enemies in thenew environment. They would colonise one island after another--it'sonly strange that some islands have been overlooked. In all otherrespects it's typical of migration patterns in pursuit of food--andthat raises the question of why they didn't develop earlier. Couldit be to do with the fact that there is no known species of newt inthe area between Ethiopia and Australia? Or rather hasn't been untilnow. Could there have been some development in this area in themiocene period which was unfavourable for newts? It is certainlypossible. Could there have been some particular predator whichsimply hunted the newts to extinction? Just on a single smallisland, with an isolated lake, is where the miocene newt survived--albeit at the price of its evolution coming to a halt. It was like acompressed spring waiting to be released. It's not even out of thequestion that Nature had its own great plans for this newt, it mighthave developed even further and further, higher and higher, who knowshow high...(At this thought, Professor Uher shuddered slightly;who knows that Andrias Scheuchzeri was not meant to be the humanbeings of the miocene!)

Enough of that! This undeveloped animal suddenly finds itself ina new environment offering boundless promise; a compressed springwaiting to be released. Andrias will have thrown itself into itsdevelopment with so much miocene vigour and enthusiasm, so muchélan vital! So much frenzy to catch up on the thousandsand millions of years during which evolution passed it by! Is it atall possible it would be content with just the level of developmentit has reached today? It would show just the sort of upsurge we haveseen--or else it's just on the threshhold of its evolution andgetting ready to rise--and who can say where it will go! These werethe thoughts and observation that Professor Vladimír Uherwrote down about this yellowed cutting from an ancient publication,shaking with the intellectual enthusiasm of a discoverer. I mustpublish it in the newspapers, he said to himself, as nobody everreads scientific publications. Let everyone know what enormousevents Nature has in store for us! I will entitle it Do Newts have aFuture?

Only, the editor of thePeoples Press looked at ProfessorUher's article and shook his head. Not these newts again! I thinkour readers have had it up to their necks with these newts. It'sabout time we found something else to write about. And a scientificarticle such as this doesn't belong in the papers anyway.

As a result, the article about the development and prospects ofthe newts never did appear.

Chapter 12

THE SALAMANDER-SYNDICATE

President G.H. Bondy rang the bell and stood up.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have the honour of opening thisextraordinary general meeting of the Pacific Export Company. I wouldlike to welcome everyone here and thank them for the contributionthey make."

"I also," he continued with some emotion, "have the sad duty ofgiving you some tragic news. Captain Jan van Toch is no longer withus. Our founder, if I can call him that, the father of the greatidea of establishing commercial contact with thousands of islands inthe far Pacific, our first captain and enthusiastic fellow worker hasdied. He passed away at the start of this year on board our ship,Åárka, not far from Fanning Island aftersuffering a stroke while engaged in his duty." (Bet he made a Hellof a fuss, poor man, thought Mister Bondy fleetingly.) "Let us nowall stand up in honour of this mans bright memory."

All present stood up with a scraping and clattering of chairs andthen remained in formal silence, all of them united in the hope thatthis general meeting wouldn't last too long. (Poor Vantoch, myfriend, thought G.H. Bondy with sincere emotion. What does he looklike now? I expect they put him on a plank and threw him into thesea--what a splash that must have made! He was certainly a man ofgreat honour, and had such blue eyes...)

"Thank you, gentlemen," he added briefly, "for showing such pietyin memory of my personal friend, Captain van Toch. I now invite ourdirector, Mister Volavka, to inform you of the economic prospects forPEC over the coming year. None of these figures are yet certain butI hope you won't expect them too have changed too much by the end ofthe year. Mister Volavka."

"Good afternoon," Mister Volavka began, and off he went. "Thestate of the pearl market is very unsatisfactory. Pearl productionlast year was nearly twelve times higher than in 1925, which itselfwas a very good year, but now the price of pearls has begun acatastrophic decline, by as much as sixty five percent. Managementhas decided, therefore, not to put any of this years pearl harvest onthe market and they will be kept in storage until demand has risenagain. Unfortunately, pearls went out of fashion last autumn,clearly because they had sunk so low in price. Our Amsterdam branchhas, at present, more than two hundred thousand pearls in stockwhich, for the time being, are next to impossible to sell.

"At the same time," Mister Volavka purred on, "there has been amarked reduction in the number of pearls found this year. Manyfisheries have had to be abandoned because production was too low.Fisheries discovered just two or three years ago seem to be more orless exhausted. It is for this reason that the management haddecided to turn its attention to other fruits of the sea such ascoral and shellfish. There has been some success in stimulating themarket for coral jewellery and other ornaments, but even here coralfrom Italy is achieving greater success than that from the Pacific.The management is also studying the possibility of intensive fishingin the deepest parts of the Pacific Ocean, where the mainconsideration is how to transport the fish from the Pacific to theEuropean and American markets; results and findings so far are notvery encouraging.

"On the other hand," the director went on, his voice risingslightly, "our relatively high turnover suggests it might beprofitable to diversify into other activities such as the export oftextiles, enamel ware, wireless sets and gloves to the Pacific.islands. This business would be amenable to further development;although this year it is already showing a slight loss. there is ofcourse no question of PEC paying any dividend to its shareholders atthe end of the year; and the management would like to announce inadvance that, on this occasion, it will renounce any commissions andbonuses..."

There was a painful silence in the room. (It must have been likethis on Fanning Island, thought G.H. Bondy. He died a true sailor,Vantoch. A good man. It's a pity a decent chap like that had todie. And he wasn't even that old...he was no older than I am...)Dr. Hubka stood up to speak; and the minutes of the extraordinarygeneral meeting of the Pacific Export Company continued thus:

Dr. Hubka asks whether the PEC might go into liquidation

G.H. Bondy replies that management has decided to wait for furthersuggestions in that matter.

Monsieur Louis Bonenfant urges that pearl production should havebeen done under the supervision of permanent representatives,continuously on site at fisheries, who would check whether pearlswere being gathered with enough vigour and specialist skill.

Mr. Volavka, director, observes that this has been considered, butit was thought that this would result in excessive administrationcosts. There would need to be at least three hundred agents on thepayroll; there was also the question of how these agents wouldthemselves be supervised to ensure that all pearls found were passedon to the company.

M.H. Brinkelaer asks whether the newts can be relied on to pass onall the pearls found by them, and whether they do not dispose of themto somebody not connected with the company.

G.H. Bondy observes that this is the first time the newts havebeen mentioned in public. It has been a rule in this place, up tillnow, not to mention any details of how the gathering of pearls iscarried out. He points out that it was for this reason that theinconspicuous title of Pacific Export Company chosen.

M.H. Brinkelaer asks whether it is unacceptable, in this place, totalk about matters which affect the interests of the company, andwhich moreover have long been known by the general public.

G.H. Bondy replies that it is not unacceptable, but it isunprecedented. He welcomes that fact that it is now possible tospeak openly. In reply to Mister Brinkelaer's first question, he canstate that as far as he knows there is no reason to doubt the totalhonesty of the newts and their willingness to work at gatheringpearls and corals. We must however reckon on known pearl fisheriesbecoming effectively exhausted in the near future. Where newfisheries are concerned, it was on a journey to find islands whichare so far unexploited that our unforgettable colleague, Captain vanToch, died. It has so far been found impossible to find another manwith the same experience and the same unshakeable honesty and lovefor his work to replace him.

Colonel D.W. Bright fully acknowledges the services rendered bythe late Captain van Toch. He points out, however, that the captain,whose loss we all regret, did show too much concern for the comfortof the aforementioned newts. (Agreement) It was not necessary, forinstance, to provide the news with knives and other equipment of suchhigh quality as the late van Toch did. There was no need, forinstance, to give them so much food. There is scope for substantialreductions in the costs associated with the maintenance of the newtsand in this way raise the net income of the company. (Livelyapplause)

Vice-president J. Gilbert agrees with Colonel Bright, but pointsout that that was not possible while Captain van Toch was stillalive. Captain van Toch insisted that he had his personalobligations towards the newts. There were various reasons why itwould have been inadvisable to even suggest neglecting the old manswishes in this respect.

Kurt von Frisch asks whether the newts could not be employed insome other way that might be more profitable than pearl fishing.Their natural, one could say beaver-like, talent for building weirsand other underwater constructions should be taken into account.They could perhaps be put to use in deepening harbours, buildingpiers and performing other technical tasks underwater.

G.H. Bondy states that management is actively engaged in thisconsideration; there are some great possibilities in this respect.He states that the company now owns nearly six million newts; if weconsider that one pair of newts might have a hundred tadpoles in anygiven year the company could well have three hundred million newts atits disposal by this time next year; in ten years the number would beastronomical. G.H. Bondy asks what the company intends to do withthis enormous number of newts, when the newt farms are alreadyover-populated and, because of a lack of natural foodstuffs, it hasbeen found necessary to feed the newts with copra, potatoes, maizeand similar.

K. von Frisch asks whether the newts are edible.

J. Gilbert: not at all. Nor do their hides have any use.

M. Bonenfant asks management what they now intend to do.

G.H. Bondy (standing): "Gentlemen, we convened this extraordinarygeneral meeting in order publicly to draw your attention to theextremely unfavourable prospects of our company which--I hope youwill allow me to remind you of this--has proudly paid returns oftwenty to twenty-three percent over recent years as well as havingwell funded reserves and low costs. We stand now at a turning point;the way of doing business which has proved itself so well over recentyears is now practically at an end; we have no choice but to find newways." (Loud applause)

"I could even say it is a sign from fate that our excellent friendand captain, J. van Toch, left us just at this time. Our romantic,beautiful--I could even say absurd--trading in pearls was alwaysclosely connected with him. I consider this to be the closingchapter in our business; it had its, so to speak, exotic charm, butit was never suitable for modern times. Gentlemen, pearls couldnever be the concern of a large company which needs to be cohesivehorizontally and vertically. For me personally, this affair withpearls was never more than a minor distraction." (Discomfiture) "Yesgentlemen; but a minor distraction which brought substantial profitsto me and to you. At the start of our business these newts also hada kind of, shall I say, charm of the new. Three hundred millionnewts will not have much charm about them." (Laughter)

"I spoke earlier about finding new ways of moving forward. Whilemy good friend, Captain van Toch, was still alive there was noquestion of giving our affairs any other character than that whichcould be called the Captain van Toch style." (Why not?) "Because,gentlemen, I have too much good taste to mix one style with another.I would say that the style of Captain van Toch was that of a romanticadventurer. It was the style of Jack London, Joseph Conrad andothers of that ilk. Old-fashioned, exotic, colonial, almost heroic.I do not deny that he charmed me with this style of his, but sincehis death we no longer have the right to continue with an epic talewhich is adventurous and juvenile. We have before us not a newchapter but a new conception, gentlemen, it is a job for animagination which is new and fundamentally different." (You speak asif this were all just a story in a novel!) "Yes, gentlemen, you arequite right. I take an artists interest in business. Without asense of art it is impossible ever to think of something new. Weneed to be poets if we are to keep the world moving." (Applause)

G.H. Bondy bows. "Gentlemen, I am sorry to be closing thischapter, the chapter we might call the van Toch era; an era in whichwe made use of the child-like and adventurous side that we all have.The time has come now to bring this fairy story of pearls and coralfisheries to an end. Sinbad is dead, gentlemen. And the questionis, what now?" (Well that's just what were asking!) "Alrightgentlemen: please take out pen and paper and write this down. Sixmillion. Have you got that down? Multiply that by fifty. Thatmakes three hundred million, doesn't it. Multiply that by anotherfifty. Now that's fifteen thousand million, yes? And now gentlemen,please be so kind as to tell me what, in three years time, were goingto do with fifteen thousand million newts. How are we to employthem, how are we going to feed them, and so on." (Let them die,then!) "Yes, but don't you think that would be a pity? Have you notthought that every new newt is a new business opportunity, a new unitof labour waiting to be put to use? Gentlemen, with six millionnewts we can still make business of some sort. With three hundredmillion it will be somewhat harder. But gentlemen, fifteen thousandmillion newts is something quite inconceivable. The newts willdevour the company. That is how it is." (And you will beresponsible! It was you who started all this business with thenewts!)

G.H. Bondy raises his head. "And I fully accept thatresponsibility, gentlemen. Anyone who wishes to can dispose of hisshares in the Pacific Export Company immediately. I am quite willingto pay for them..." (How much?) "Their full value."(Consternation. Chairman calls for ten minute pause)

After pause, H. Brinkelaer speaks. Expresses pleasure at highrate of increase of newts, and with it the rate of increase ofcompany assets. But, gentlemen, it would of course be sheer madnessto breed them without regard for the need; suggests on behalf ofshareholders that if the company cannot find suitable work for themitself they should be simply sold as working force to whoever wishesto undertake any work on or under water. (Applause) The cost offeeding a newt is no more than a few centimes; if a pair of newts issold for, say, a hundred francs, and the working life of a newt is nomore than, say, one year, then any investor would see a very goodreturn. (Signs of agreement)

J. Gilbert indicates that newts reach ages much higher than oneyear; we do not yet have enough experience with them to say how longthey actually live.

H. Brinkelaer modifies his suggestion; the price of a pair ofnewts should be set at three hundred francs.

S. Weissberger asks what sort of work the newts are actuallycapable of.

Mr. Volavka, director: with their natural instincts and theirexceptional technical training, the newts would be especially suitedto the construction of weirs, embankments and breakwaters, to thedeepening of harbours and channels, clearing shallow waters andremoval of sediments, and to freeing water channels; they couldreinforce and maintain shorelines, extend sea defences, and so on.For work of this sort they would operate in groups of hundreds orthousands of individuals; in projects on this large a scale, wherenot even modern plant and machinery could be considered, there wouldbe no other way of performing the task at such low cost. (Quiteright! Excellent!)

Dr. Hubka objectsthat by selling newts that might find new places to reproduce thecompany might lose its monopoly on the animals. He suggests thenewts be merely rented out to businesses engaged in water works asproperly trained and qualified working units with the stipulationthat any tadpoles created will continue to be the property ofPEC.

Mr. Volavka, director, points out that it would not be possible tosupervise millions or even thousands of millions of newts in thewater, let alone their tadpoles; many newts have already beenmisappropriated for zoos and menageries.

Col. D.W. Bright: Only male newts should be sold or rented out sothat they would not be able to reproduce outside the farms andincubators belonging to the company.

Mr. Volavka, director: It is not possible to assert that newtfarms are the property of the company. A piece of the sea floorcannot be owned or rented. The question of who the newts belong to,if for instance they are living in the surface waters of Her Majestythe Queen of Holland, is very unclear, legally speaking, and couldlead to many disputes. (Unease.) In most cases we don't even haveany guaranteed fishing rights; in fact, gentlemen, we established ournewt farms in the Pacific islands without any legal right to do so.(Growing unease.)

J. Gilbert, responding to Colonel Bright, says that experience sofar showed that male newts kept in isolation become lethargic andunwilling to work; they are lazy, apathetic and often die fromstress.

Von Frisch asks whether newts to be sold could not be castrated orsterilised beforehand.

J. Gilbert: That would incur too many costs; there simply is noway for us to prevent newts from procreating after they have beensold.

S. Weissberger, asks, as a member of the Society for thePrevention of Cruelty to Animals, that if any newts are to be sold itshould be done humanely and in a way that would not offend people'ssensibilities.

J. Gilbert thanks him for raising the subject; it is understoodthat the newts would be caught and transported only by trainedpersonnel under proper supervision. It is not, of course, possibleto be sure how the newts will be treated by the businesses that buythem.

S. Weissberger declares that he is satisfied with the assurancesgiven by Vice-President Gilbert. (Applause.)

G.H. Bondy: "Gentlemen, we have, from now on, to abandon any ideaof having a monopoly on newts. Unfortunately, under currentregulations, we are not able to take out a patent on them."(Laughter.) "We can and must do business with newts in a way that'sfundamentally different from the way we have been up till now; and itis essential that our approach to business is fundamentally differentand on a far bigger scale." (Hear hear!) "And there are manythings, gentlemen, that need to be agreed beforehand. Managementsuggest the creation of a new, vertically organised trust under thename Salamander Syndicate. Besides our company, the members of thenewt syndicate would consist of certain major companies and strongfinancial groups; there is one company, for instance, that would beengaged in manufacturing special, patented metal tools for the newts..." (MEAS, you mean?) "Yes, that's right, MEAS is the company Ihave in mind. There will also be a cartel of companies in the fieldof chemicals and foodstuffs, manufacturing cheap, patented feed forthe newts; there will be a group of transport companies, making useof experience already gained to patent special hygienic tanks fortransporting the newts; a block of insurance companies to cover thenewts against risk of death or injury during transportation or at theworkplace; other interested concerns in the fields of industry,export and finance which, for legal reasons, we are not able tomention by name at this stage. Suffice it to say, gentlemen, that atthe start of business the syndicate would have four hundred millionspounds sterling at its disposal." (Excitement) "This file, myfriends, is already full of contracts and all they need now is asignature for the creation of one of the biggest commercialorganisations of modern times. All that is asked of you by themanagement, gentlemen is that you give them the authority toestablish this gigantic concern whose task will be to cultivate andemploy the newts in the best possible way." (Applause and voices ofprotest).

"Gentlemen, please bear in mind the advantages a collaboration ofthis sort could bring. The Newt Syndicate would provide more thanjust newts, it would also provide equipment and food for the newtssuch as maize, carbohydrates, beef fat and sugar for thousands ofmillions of well fed animals; then there would be transport,insurance, veterinary needs and everything at the lowest rateguaranteed for us if not by a monopoly then at least by being in adominant position over any other potential rival that might want todeal in newts. Just let them try it, gentlemen; they won't be incompetition with us for long." (Bravo!) "But that's not all. TheNewt syndicate would provide all kinds of building material forunderwater work performed by the newts; for this reason we have thesupport also of heavy industry, cement works, the stone and timberindustries..." (You still don't know how the newts are going towork!) "Gentlemen, at this very moment there are twelve thousandnewts at work in Saigon building new docks, basins and jetties."(You didn't tell us about that!) "No. This is our first large scaleexperiment, and it has been a complete success, meeting all our hopesand expectations. Without any hint of a doubt, the future belongs tonewts." (Enthusiastic applause)

"And that's not all, gentlemen. There are still many morefunctions for the Newt Syndicate to perform. the salamandersyndicate will seek out work for millions of newts all round theworld. They will provide the plans and the ideas for subjugating theoceans. It will disseminate ideas of Utopia, dreams that aregigantic, projects for new coastlines and shipping lanes, causewaysthat will join continents, whole chains of artificial islands forjourneys to new lands in the middle of the oceans. That is where thefuture of mankind lies. Gentlemen, four fifths of the Earths surfaceis covered by sea; there's no denying that that is too much; thesurface of our world, the map of sea and land, must be corrected. Weare giving the world the workers of the sea, gentlemen. Well nolonger be doing it in the style of Captain van Toch with hisadventurous tales of pearls and treasure but by the tried and testedmeans of honest toil. We can be mere shopkeepers or we can be morecreative; but if we fail to think in terms of oceans and continentswe won't have fulfilled out promise. Somebody earlier on mentionedthe difficulty of selling a pair of newts. I would rather we thoughtin terms of thousands of millions of newts, of millions and millionsof workers, of moving the crust of the Earth itself, a new Genesisand a new geological age. We have today the chance to talk of a newAtlantis, of ancient continents extending further and further outinto the seas, a new world created by man himself. Forgive me,gentlemen, if all this seems Utopian, but we are indeed stepping outinto a Utopia. We have already entered in, my friends. All we needto do is work out what technical jobs need to be done by the newts..." (And the economics!)

"Yes. The economics of all this are especially important.Gentlemen, our company is too small to be able to make use ofthousands of millions of newts by itself; we don't have the money forit nor the influence. If the map of the seas and the land is to bechanged we need also to have the greatest powers in the world takingan interest. But that can be left till later; there is still no needto name what high places have already shown positive interest in thesyndicate. But for now, all I ask of you, gentlemen, is that you donot lose sight of the boundless scope of the affair you are about tovote on." (Enthusiastic and sustained applause. Excellent!Bravo!)

It was nonetheless necessary, before the vote was held, to promisethat shares of the Pacific Export Company would pay a dividend of atleast ten percent this year from its reserves. The vote was theneighty-seven percent in favour of the Newt Syndicate and onlythirteen percent against. As a result the management's proposal wasaccepted. The Salamander Syndicate came into life. G.H. Bondy wascongratulated.

"That was a very good speech, Mister Bondy," old Sigi Weissbergerpraised. ""Very good. And please, tell me, how did you get theidea?"

"How?" G.H. Bondy replied absent mindedly. "Actually, to tell youthe truth Mister Weissberger, it was all because of old van Toch. Hewas always so fond of his newts--what would the poor man have saidif we just let those tapa-boys of his die out or be killed?"

"Tapa-boys? What do you mean, tapa-boys?"

"All those vile newts. At least they'll be treated decently nowthat they're worth money. And we might as well use them to create autopia as the horrors are no good for anything else."

"I don't see what you mean," Mr. Weissberger said. "Have you everactually seen one of the newts, Mr. Bondy? I don't really know whatthey're like. What do they look like?"

"I'm afraid I really can't tell you, Mr. Weissberger. How shouldI know what a newt looks like? Do you think I have the time tobother about what they look like? I'm just glad we've got the NewtSyndicate sorted out."

(Supplementary Chapter)

The sex life of the newts.

One of mans favourite activities is to imagine how the worldmight be in the distant future, what technical wonders will have beenperfected, what social problems solved, how far science and civilorganisation will have progressed, and so on. But however muchimproved, progressed or at least more technically perfect theseutopias are, they never fail to take a lively interest in thequestion of how one of the most ancient of institutions might be.Sex, reproduction, love, marriage, family, the status of women and soon are as popular now as they have always been. Consider, in thisrespect, the works of Paul Adam, HG. Wells, Aldous Huxley and manyothers.

Taking his example from these authors, and considering thathe has already begun to speculate of the future of our planet, thepresent author regards it as his duty to speculate on what the sexualbehaviour of the newts will be. He will settle the matter now sothat he will not have to return to it later. In its basic outlines,the sex life of Andrias Scheuchzeri is, of course, no different fromthat of other tailed amphibians; there is no copulation in the propersense of the word, the female carries the ova through several stagesof their development, the fertilised ova develop into tadpoles in thewater and so on; this is something that can be found in any primer ofbiology. So let us refer then to just a few peculiarities which havebeen observed in Andrias Scheuchzeri.

According to the account given by H. Bolte, the male andfemale come together in early April; the male will usually remainwith just one female throughout any one mating season, and for aperiod of several days will never leave her side. He will take nosustenance during this period, whereas the female will evince avoracious appetite. The male will pursue the female in the water andattempt to keep his head closely beside hers. If he is successful inthis, then he will position his paw in front of her snout in order toprevent escape. He will then become stiff. In this way, with maleand female in contact only at the head while their bodies form anangle of approximately thirty degrees, the two animals will floatmotionless side by side in the water. After a short time haselapsed, the male will begin to convulse with sufficient vigour fortheir two bodies to collide; after which he will again become stiff,his limbs extended to each side, and touching only the head of hischosen mate with his paw. During this, the female shows a totalindifference apart from eating whatever comes within range. This, ifwe may call it thus, kissing lasts several days; at times the femalewill pull herself away in pursuit of food, at which the male willpursue in a state of clear agitation if not fury. Eventually thefemale ceases to show further resistance or attempt to remove herselffrom the male and the couple will remain floating motionless,resembling a pair of black logs attached to each other in the water.The body of the male will then begin to undergo cramps andconvulsions, during which he will discharge large amounts of somewhatsticky foam into the water, immediately after which he will abandonthe female and climb away between the rocks and stones in a state ofextreme exhaustion; during this period it is possible for theobserver to cut off a leg or tail without his showing any kind ofdefensive reaction.

The female will remain for some time in her stiff andmotionless posture; she will then show vigorous movement anddischarge from her cloaca a chain of eggs inside a gelatinouscovering, making frequent use of her rear limbs to assist thisprocess in the way seen among toads. The eggs number between fortyand fifty and hang from the female's body. She will swim with themto a safe place and attach them to seaweed, algae or simply to arock. After a period of ten days, the female will bear anotherlitter of twenty to thirty eggs without any union with the malehaving taken place; it seems clear that the eggs were fertilisedwithin the cloaca. There will usually be a third and a fourthdischarge of eggs after a period of seven or eight days, each offifteen to twenty eggs variously fertilised. The feather-gilledtadpoles will emerge after a gestation period of between one andthree weeks. The tadpoles grow into adult newts after just one yearand are able to reproduce in their turn.

The behaviour observed by Miss Blanche Kistemaeckers of twonewts in captivity was somewhat different. At the time of spawningthe male approached only one female and pursued her quite brutally;when she escaped from him he beat her with heavy blows of his tail.He disapproved when she tried to take food and drove her away fromit; it was clear he wanted to have her just for himself and simplyterrorised her. Once he had discharged his milt he threw himself onanother female and tried to eat her, so that he had to be taken fromthe tank and placed somewhere else. This second female nonethelessproduced fertile eggs, numbering sixty-three in total. MissKistemaeckers noticed that the cloaca of all three animals was verysore, and she writes that fertilisation of the ova of AndriasScheuchzeri seems to take place not by copulation, nor even spawning,but by what she called the sexual milieu. It is already evident thatthe two sexes need not come together at an appropriate time forfertilisation of the eggs to take place. This led the youngresearcher to carry out further experiments. She separated the twosexes; at the appropriate time she extracted the sperm from the maleand put it into the water where the females were, at which thefemales began to discharge fertilised eggs. In another experimentMiss Kistemaeckers filtered the semen to remove the sperm; this gavea clear, slightly acidic liquid which she put into the females water;the females then began to discharge eggs, about fifty at a time, ofwhich most were fertile and produced normal tadpoles. This is whatled Miss Kistemaeckers to the important notion of the sexual milieu,which can be seen as a process in its own right, existing betweenparthenogenesis and sexual reproduction. The eggs are fertilisedsimply by a change in the chemical environment (a certain level ofacidity, which has not so far been successfully createdartificially), which is somehow connected with the sexual functionsof the male although these functions themselves are not essential;the fact that the male does conjoin with the female is clearly nomore than a vestige of an earlier stage of evolution when Andriasreproduced in the same way as other newts. Miss Kistemaeckersrightly observes that this form of mating is peculiar, some kind ofinherited illusion of paternity; the male is not the real father ofthe tadpoles but only an impersonal provider of the chemicalenvironment which is what really fertilises the ova. If we had ahundred newt couples together in a tank it would be tempting to thinkthat a hundred individual acts of mating would take place; but infact there will be just the one, a collective a sexualisation of thegiven environment or, to put it more precisely, the acidification ofthe water to which the mature eggs of the species will respond bydeveloping into tadpoles. If this unknown acidification agent can becreated artificially there will be no more need of males. So the sexlife of this remarkable species is actually no more than an illusion;the erotic passion, the pair-bonding and sexual tyranny, fidelity forthe time needed, the slow and cumbersome act of intercourse, allthese things are actually unnecessary and no more than an outdatedand almost symbolic act which, so to speak, decorates the impersonalcreation by the male of the procreative environment. The strangeindifference shown by the female to the frantic and pointlessactivity of the male is clear evidence that she instinctively feelsthat it is nothing more than a formal ceremony or a prelude to thereal love-making when they conjoin with the fertilising medium; itcould almost be said that the female of Andrias Scheuchzeriunderstands this state of affairs clearly and goes through itobjectively without any erotic illusions.

(The experiments performed by Miss Kistemaeckers was followedup with some interesting research by the learned AbbéBontempelli. Having prepared some dried and powdered milt fromAndrias he put it in the female's water, who then began to dischargefertile eggs. He obtained the same result if he dried and powderedAndrias's male organ or if he took an extract in alcohol or byinfusion and poured it into the female's water. He tried the sameexperiment, with the same result, when he took an extract of themale's pituitary gland and even when he took a scraping from themales skin, if taken in the rutting season. In all these cases, thefemales did not respond at first, but after a while they stoppedseeking food and became stiff and motionless in the water, then aftersome hours they began to discharge eggs in a gelatinous coating, eachabout the size of pig's droppings.)

While discussing this matter, it will be necessary todescribe the strange ceremony which became known as the dance of thesalamanders. (This does not refer to the Salamander Dance which cameinto fashion around this time, especially in high society, and whichBishop Hiram declared to be the most depraved dance he had ever hearddescribed.) The dance took place on evenings when there was a fullmoon (apart from in the breeding season). The males, and only themales, of Andrias would appear on the beach, form themselves into acircle and begin a strange, wave-like twisting and bending of theupper half of the body. This movement was typical of these giantnewts at all times, but during these dances it develops into a wildpassion, something like the dances of dervishes. Some researchersregard this frenzied twisting and stamping as a kind of cult of themoon, which would mean it is a kind of religious ceremony; on theother hand some researchers see the dance as essentially erotic incharacter and seek to explain it primarily in terms of the peculiarsexual procedures described above. We have already said that thefemale of Andrias Scheuchzeri is fertilised by the so-called sexualmilieu surrounding males and females rather than by the personalconjoining of individual males and females. It was also said thatthe females accept this impersonal sexual relationship far morerealistically and routinely than the males who, clearly for reasonsof instinctive vanity and greed, try to maintain at least theillusion of sexual triumph, leading them to play a role that involvesbetrothal and a husband's authority. This is one of the greatesterotic illusions to be found, and it is interesting that the illusionis corrected by these grand male ceremonies which seem to be nothingless than an instinctive attempt to reinforce their sense ofbelonging to a Male Collective. It is thought that this collectivedance has the function of overcoming that atavistic and nonsensicalillusion of the males sexual individuality; this whirling,inebriating, frenetic gang is nothing other than the Collective Male,the Collective Bridegroom and the Great Copulator that carries outits celebratory wedding dance and abandons itself to the greatnuptial rite--and all the time the females are strangely excludedand left to squelch lethargically over the fish or mollusc they haveeaten. The famous Charles J. Powell, who gave this newt ritual thename, Dance of the Male Principle, writes: "And in this ritual ofmale togetherness, do we not see the root and origin of theremarkable collectivism shown by the newts? Let us be aware thattrue animal society is only to be found where life and development ofthe species are not built on sexual pair-bonding, such as we seeamong bees and ants and termites. The society of the bee-hive can bedescribed thus: I, the Mother Hive. In the case of the newts, theirsociety must be described quite differently: We, the Male Principle.It is only when the males mass together at the right time andvirtually perspire the fertilising sexual milieu that they become theGreat Male which enters the womb of the female and generouslymultiplies life. Their paternity is collective; and for this reasontheir entire nature is collective and expresses itself in collectiveactivity, whereas the females, once they have laid their eggs, lead alife that remains dispersed and solitary until the following spring.It is the males alone that create the community, the males alone thatcarry out collective tasks. There is no other species of animalwherein the female plays such a subordinate role as Andrias; they areexcluded from communal activities and show not the slightest interestin them. Their moment comes only when the Male Principle imbuestheir environment with a chemical acidity that is barely perceptible,but which has such power of penetration, such élanvital, that it is effective even when the currents and tides of theoceans have diluted it to almost nothing. It is as if the Oceanitself were the male, fertilising millions of embryos on itsshores.

"However vainly the cock might crow," Charles J. Powellcontinued, "it is to the female that in, most species, nature hasgiven the dominant role in life. The male is there for his ownpassion and to kill; he is pompous and arrogant, while the femalerepresents the species in all its strength and lasting nobility. Inthe case of Andrias (and often in the case of man) the relationshipis fundamentally different; by the creation of a masculine societyand solidarity the male acquires clear biological dominance anddetermines how the species will develop to a far greater extent thanthe female. It may well be because of this marked male input to thedirection of development that Andrias has so excelled in technicalmatters, which are talents typical of the male. Andrias is by naturea technologist and tends towards group activities; these secondaryfeatures of the male, by which I mean a talent for technology and aflair for organisation, has, before our very eyes, developed withsuch speed and such success that we would be compelled to speak of amiracle were we not aware of what a powerful force in life sexualdetermination is. Andrias Scheuchzeri is animal faber, and it iseven possible that he will one day surpass man himself given enoughtime. All this is the result of one fact of nature; that they havecreated a society that is purely male."

Chapter 1

MISTER POVONDRA READS THE PAPER

There are people who collect stamps, and others who collect firsteditions. Mr. Povondra, the doorman at the house of G.H. Bondy, hadlong been unable to find any meaning in his life; he had beenwondering for years whether to become interested in prehistoricgraves or develop a passion for international politics; but oneevening, without any sort of warning, he suddenly knew what he had sofar been lacking, what would make his life worthwhile. Great eventsusually come without any sort of warning.

That evening Mister Povondra was reading the paper, Mrs. Povondrawas darning Frank's socks and Frank was pretending to study thetributaries on the left bank of the Danube. It was pleasantlyquiet.

"I should have known," muttered Mister Povondra.

"What should you have known?" asked Mrs. Povondra as she lifted athread.

"About these newts," said Father Povondra. "It says here thatthey've sold seventy million of them over the last three months."

"That's a lot, isn't it!" said Mrs. Povondra.

"I should think so. In fact that's an astonishing number,Mother. Just think, seventy million!" Mister Povondra turned tolook at her. "They must have made a fortune selling all of them!And there's all the work they're doing now," he added after thinkingfor a moment. "It says here that they're claiming new land andbuilding new islands everywhere at an amazing rate.--People cancreate as much new land as they want now, I should think. This iswonderful, Mother. I'm telling you, this is a bigger step forwardthan the discovery of America." Mister Povondra thought about thisfor a while. "A new period of history, don't you think? What shallwe do, Mother, we're living in great times."

There was once more a long period of homely silence. FatherPovondra suddenly started drawing harder on his pipe. "And justthink, if it wasn't for me it would never have happened!"

"What would never have happened?"

"All this business with the newts. This new period of history.If you look at it properly, it was actually me who put it alltogether."

Mrs. Povondra looked up from the holes in the socks. "How's that,then?"

"That it was me who let that captain in to see Mister Bondy onthat day. If I hadn't announced him there was no way the captaincould ever have met Mister Bondy. If it hadn't been for me, Mother,nothing could ever have come of it. Nothing at all."

"Maybe this captain could have found someone else," Mrs. Povondraobjected.

Mister Povondra rattled indignantly on his pipe. "Now what doyou know about that sort of thing? It's only Mister G.H. Bondy whocould do a thing like that. He has more foresight than I don't knowwho. Anyone else would just have thought it was all madness or aconfidence trick; but not Mister Bondy! He's got a nose for thesethings, girl!" Mister Povondra considered this for a while. "Thatcaptain, what was his name again, Vantoch, he didn't look much. Sortof fat old man, he was. Any other doorman would have told him he hadno business knocking at the door, the master isn't home, and thatsort of thing; but, you listen, I had some sort of intuition orsomething. I announced him to Mister Bondy; I said to myself, MisterBondy might be cross with me but I'll take the responsibility onmyself and I'll announce him. I've always said a doorman has to be agood judge of character. There are times when someone rings at thedoor, and he looks just like a lord, and he turns out to be arefrigerator salesman. And there are other times when some fat oldman turns up at the door, and look what can come of that. You needto be a good judge of character," Father Povondra mused. "There yousee, Frank, that's the difference a man in a humble position canmake. You take my example, always try your best to do your duty justlike I've always done." Mister Povondra nodded his head in pride andself congratulation. "I could have turned that captain away at thegate and saved myself the bother of going down the steps. Any otherdoorman wouldn't have cared and shut the gate in his face, he would.And if he did he'd have ruined this fantastic step forward formankind. Always bear in mind, Frank, if everyone in the world didhis duty everything would be alright. And pay attention when I'mtalking to you."

"Yes, Dad," muttered Frank discontentedly.

Father Povondra cleared his throat. "Pass me the scissors,Mother. I think I'd better cut this article out so that I've alwaysgot something to remind me."

So it was that Mister Povondra started his collection of newspapercuttings about the newts. Without his passion as a collector much ofthe material we now have would otherwise have been lost. He cut outand saved everything written about the newts that he could find; itshould even be said that after some initial fumblings he learned toplunder the newspapers in his favourite café whereverthere was mention of the newts and even developed an unusual, almostmagical, virtuosity in tearing the appropriate article out of thepaper and putting it in his pocket right under the nose of the headwaiter. It is well known that all collectors are willing to stealand murder if that is what's needed to add a certain item to theircollection, but that is not in any way a stain on their moralcharacter.

His life was now the life of a collector, and that gave itmeaning. Evening after evening he would count and arrange hiscuttings under the indulgent eyes of Mrs. Povondra who knew thatevery man is partly mad and partly a little child; it was better forhim to play with his cuttings than to go out drinking and playingcards. She even made some space in the scullery for all the boxes hehad made himself for his collection; could anything more be asked ofa wife?

Even Mister Bondy was surprised at Mister Povondra's encyclopaedicknowledge of everything concerning the newts which he showed at everyopportunity. With some embarrassment, Mister Povondra admitted thathe collected everything printed about the salamanders and let MisterBondy see his boxes. G.H. Bondy kindly praised him for hiscollection; what does it matter that only great men can be sogenerous and only powerful people can give pleasure without itcosting them a penny? It's alright for those who are great. MisterBondy, for instance, told the office of the Salamander Syndicate tosend Mister Povondra all the cuttings to do with the newts that theydid not need to keep in their archives, and lucky Mister Povondra,somewhat dismayed, received whole parcels of documents in all thelanguages of the world every day. And for documents in the Cyrillicalphabet, Greek, Hebrew, Arabic, Chinese script, Bengali, Tamil,Javanese, Burmese or Taalik he was especially grateful. "When Ithink;" he said about it all, "without me it would never havehappened!"

As we have already said, Mister Povondra's collection saved muchhistoric material concerning the whole story of the newts; but that,of course, does not mean to say it was enough to satisfy a scientifichistorian. Firstly, Mister Povondra had never received a specialisteducation as assistant in historic or archival methods, and he madeno indication on his cuttings of the source, or the date, so that wedo not know when or where each document was published. And secondly,faced with so much material piling up around him, Mister Povondrakept mainly the longest articles which he considered must be the mostimportant, while the shorter reports were simply thrown into the coalscuttle; as a result, through all this period, remarkable few factsand reports were conserved by him. Thirdly, the hand of Mrs.Povondra played a considerable part in the matter; when she carefullyfilled up one of Mister Povondra's boxes she would quietly andsecretly pull out some of the cuttings and burn them, which tookplace several times a year. The only ones she spared were the onesthat did not grow in number very fast, such as the cuttings printedin the Malabar, Tibetan or Coptic scripts; these remained more orless complete, although for certain gaps in our body of knowledgethey are not of great value. This means that the material we haveavailable concerning the history of the newts is very fragmented,like the land records of the eighth century A.D., or the selectedwritings of the poetess, Sappho; but some documents, here and there,did happen to survive about this phase of the great history of theworld, and despite all the gaps we will do our best to summarise themunder the titleThe Rise of Civilisation.

Chapter 2

THE RISE OF CIVILISATION (History of the Newts)¹

In the history of the epoch announced by G.H. Bondy at thememorable general meeting of the Pacific Export Company with hisprophetic words about the coming utopia,² it is not possible to measure events incenturies or even decades, as has been possible in previous ages ofworld history. Instead we must measure history in units of threemonths, which is how often the quarterly economic statistics appear.³ In this present period, history, soto speak, is manufactured by mass production; this is why the speedof history is so much greater (estimated to be approximatelyfive-fold). It is simply not possible nowadays to wait centuries forthe world to turn into something good or bad. The migrations ofnations, for instance, which at one time was drawn out over severalgenerations, could be completed within three years using moderntransport methods; otherwise there would be no way of making a profitfrom it. The same applies to the decline of the Roman Empire, thecolonisation of continents, the massacre of the Indians and so on.All this could be completed incomparably faster if put into the handsof well funded business. In this way, the enormous success of theNewt Syndicate and its powerful influence on the history of the worldis certainly a sign of things to come.

The history of the newts was characterised from the first by goodand rational organisation and that is primarily, although not solely,thanks to the Newt Syndicate; it should be acknowledged that science,philanthropy, education, the press and other factors played asubstantial part in the astonishing expansion and progress of thenewts, but it's still true to say that it was the Newt Syndicate thatconquered new continents and coastlines for them, virtually day byday, even when they had to overcome many obstacles to theirexpansion.⁴ The syndicate'squarterly statements show that the newts were gradually settled inthe ports of India and China; how colonies of newts overwhelmed thecoasts of Africa and jumped over to America where a new and modernhatchery soon appeared on the Gulf of Mexico; how, as well as thebroad waves of colonisations, smaller, pioneering groups of newtswere sent out to establish new places for migration. The NewtSyndicate sent, for instance, a thousand top quality newts as apresent to Waterstaat in Holland, six hundred were given to the cityof Marseilles to clean out the old harbour, and similar presents weremade elsewhere. The dispersion and settlement of the newts aroundthe world was, unlike the expansion of mankind, simply well plannedand enormous; left to Nature it would certainly have taken thousandsof years; but that is merely hypothetical. Nature has never been soenterprising and targeted as man's industry and commerce. It seemedthat the lively demand for them had its influence on the newts' ownreproductive abilities; the number of tadpoles produced by any onefemale rose to as much as a hundred and fifty per year. Loses tosharks and other predatory fish were reduced almost to zero after thenewts had been equipped with underwater pistols and dumdum bullets toprotect themselves.⁵

ENGLAND CLOSED OFF TO NEWTS?

(Reuter) In reply to a question in the House of Commons from Mr.J. Leeds, Sir Samuel Mandeville stated today that His Majesty'sGovernment had closed the Suez Canal to newt transports of any kind;he added that no newt would be permitted to be employed on anyshoreline or any sovereign waters of the British Isles. The reasonfor this measure, Sir Samuel declared, was partly to do with thesecurity of the British Isles and partly to do with old statutesstill in force concerning the elimination of slave trading.

In reply to a question from Mr. B. Russel, M.P., Sir Samuel statedthat this position would, of course, not apply to British coloniesand dominions.

The expansion of the newt population did not run smoothlyeverywhere, of course; in some places conservative groups took severeprotective measures against the introduction of new workforces,seeing the newts as competition with human workers;⁶ Others expressed the fear that the newts,living on small marine animals, posed a threat to fishing, there werethose who argued that the newts would undermine coastlines andislands with their underwater tunnels and passageways. There werecertainly many people who warned against the introduction of thenewts; but whenever any innovation or any progress has been made ithas always met with resistance and mistrust; that was the case withindustrial machinery and it was the case with the newts. In otherplaces misunderstandings of other sorts appeared,⁷ but the news media all round the world, whounderstood the enormous commercial possibilities offered by thenewts, provided a great deal of help in these matters and with thehelp of effective and large scale advertising campaigns thesalamanders became established all around the globe and were welcomedwith lively interest and even enthusiasm.⁸ Trading in newts was mostly in the hands ofthe Newt Syndicate, which carried it out with its own specially madetanker ships; the centre of trading was the Salamander Building inSingapore which functioned as a kind of newt stock exchange.⁹ As the turnover in newts rose, trading, ofcourse, became very wild; the Newt Syndicate was no longer able toobserve and control all the hatcheries established by the lateCaptain van Toch in many places and especially around the small andremote islands of Micronesia, Melanesia and Polynesia; many of thebays inhabited by newts were left to their own devices. As a result,while the cultivation of salamanders was well organised andcontrolled in some areas, in others there was extensive hunting ofwild newts, similar in many ways to the seal hunting expeditions thatused to take place; the hunting expeditions were to some extentillegal, but as there were no laws protecting the newts no-one wasever brought to account for anything more serious than setting footon the territory of a sovereign state without permission; as thenewts on these islands multiplied at an astonishing rate and now andthen caused damage to the local people's fields and orchards, theseuncontrolled newt hunts were tacitly regarded as a natural way ofregulating the newt population.¹⁰

Trading in newts was well organised, and there was an extensiveadvertising campaign in the press, but the biggest influence in theexpansion of the newt population was the enormous wave oftechnological idealism which inundated the entire world at thattime. G.H. Bondy rightly foresaw that from then on the human spiritwould be working with whole new continents and new Atlantisses. Thewhole of the Newt Age was dominated by a lively and fertile disputeamong the technically minded as to whether firm land should beconstructed with shores of reinforced concrete or merely light landlaid down as deposits of marine sand. New and gigantic projectsappeared almost every day: there were some Italian engineers whosuggested the construction of a Great Italy taking in most of theMediterranean Sea as far as Tripoli, the Balearic Islands and theDodecanese, and others who wanted to establish a new continent to becalled 'Lemuria' to the east of Italian Somalia which would take inthe entire Indian Ocean in one move. With the help of armies ofnewts, new islands covering thirteen and a half acres were indeedlaid down near the Somalian port of Mogadishu. Japan planned andpartly realised a new great island to cover the former MarianArchipelago and made preparations to combine the Caroline andMarshall Islands into two big islands, provisionally named 'NewNippon'; each of the two islands was to be created by means of anartificial volcano which would remind their prospective inhabitantsof the famous Mount Fuji. It was also rumoured that German engineerswere secretly building a durable, concrete landmass in the SargassoSea which was to be the new Atlantis and, it was said, would be athreat to French East Africa; but it seems that this went no furtherthan laying the foundations. In Holland, Zeeland was reclaimed;France combined Guadeloupe, Grande Terre, Basse Terre and LaDésirade into one big island; the United States began tobuild the first airfield-island on the 37th. meridian (two storeyshigh with an enormous hotel, sport stadium, funfair and a cinema forfive thousand people). It simply seemed that the last limits imposedon human expansion imposed by the sea had now fallen; a new andradiant age of amazing technical plans began; man realised that now,at last, he was becoming the Lord of the World, and that was thanksto the newts who had stepped onto the world stage at the right momentand, as it were, with the force of history. There is no doubt thatthe newts would never have burgeoned the way they did if our owntechnical age had not prepared so many jobs for them and so manyplaces of long-term employment. The future of the Workers of the Seanow seemed to be guaranteed for centuries to come.

Science, too, played an important part in the development of newtcommerce, and quickly turned its attention to investigating both thenewts' physiology and their psychology.¹¹ Because of this scientific researchpeople stopped regarding the newts as some kind of miracle; in thecold light of science the salamanders lost much of their aura ofprimordial strangeness and uniqueness; once they had become thesubject of psychological tests they began to seem very average anduninteresting; their enormous talents were dismissed by thescientists to the realm of myth. The common or garden salamander wasidentified, and it turned out to be something entirely dull and quitelimited in its abilities; only the newspapers would now and thendisplay a Miracle Newt that could multiply five figure numbers in itshead, but people soon got tired of that, especially when it had beenshown that even a mere human could perform the same trick given theright training. People simply began to consider the newts as much amatter of course as an adding machine or other device; they now nolonger saw anything mysterious about them, the newts no longer seemedto have emerged from the unknown depths of the sea with who knowswhat purpose. And people never do regard something as mysterious ifit serves and benefits them, only if it's something harmful orthreatening; and as the newts, as has been shown, were highlyversatile and useful,¹² they weresimply accepted as a basic part of a rational and ordinary life.

In short, it was entirely natural that the newts stopped being asensation, even though there were now as many as a hundred million ofthem; the public interest they had excited had been the interest of anovelty. They still appeared now and then in films (Sally and Andy,the Two Good Salamanders) and on the cabaret stage where singersendowed with an especially bad voice came on in the role of newtswith rasping voices and atrocious grammar, but as soon as the newtshad become a familiar and large-scale phenomenon the problems theypresented, so to speak, were of a different character.¹³ Although the great newt sensation quicklyevaporated it was replaced with something that was somewhat moresolid--the Newt Question. Not for the first time in the history ofmankind, the most vigorous activist in the Newt Question was ofcourse a woman. This was Mme. Louise Zimmermann, the manager of aguest house for girls in Lausanne, who, with exceptional andboundless energy, propagated this noble maxim around the world: Givethe newts a proper education! She would tirelessly draw attentionboth to the newts' natural abilities and to the danger that mightarise for human civilisation if the salamanders weren't carefullytaught to reason and to understand morals, but it was long before shemet with anything but incomprehension from the public.¹⁴ "Just as the Roman culture disappearedunder the onslaught of the barbarians our own educated civilisationwill disappear if it is allowed to become no more than an island in asea of beings that are spiritually enslaved, our noble ideals cannotbe allowed to become dependent on them," she prophesied at sixthousand three hundred and fifty seven lectures that she delivered atwomen's institutes all over Europe, America, Japan, China, Turkey andelsewhere. "If our culture is to survive there must be education forall. We cannot have any peace to enjoy the gifts of our civilisationnor the fruits of our culture while all around us there are millionsand millions of wretched and inferior beings artificially held downin the state of animals. Just as the slogan of the nineteenthcentury was 'Freedom for Women', so the slogan of our own age must be'GIVE THE NEWTS A PROPER EDUCATION!'" And on she went. Thanks toher eloquence and her incredible persistence, Mme. Louise Zimmermannmobilised women all round the world and gathered sufficient funds toenable her to found the First Newt Lyceum at Beaulieu (near Nice),where the tadpoles of salamanders working in Marseilles and Toulonwere instructed in French language and literature, rhetoric, publicbehaviour, mathematics and cultural history.¹⁵ The Girls' School for Newts in Menton wasslightly less successful, as the staple courses in music, diet andcookery and fine handwork (which Mme. Zimmermann insisted on forprimarily pedagogical reasons) met with a remarkable lack ofenthusiasm, if not with a stubborn hostility among its youngstudents. In contrast with this, though, the first publicexaminations for young newts was such an instant and startlingsuccess that they were quickly followed by the establishment of theMarine Polytechnic for Newts at Cannes and the Newts' University atMarseilles with the support of the society for the care andprotection of animals; it was at this university that the first newtwas awarded a doctorate of law.

The matter of newt education now began to develop quickly andalong its normal path. Exemplary though the ÃcolesZimmermann were, the most progressive teachers raised a number ofserious objections to them; in particular they insisted that theestablished humanistic schooling for young humans was not suitablefor young newts; they certainly recommended the teaching ofliterature and history but they also recommended that as much timeand facilities as possible should be devoted to modern practicalsubjects such as the natural sciences, craftwork, technicalunderstanding, physical education and so on. These Reform Schools,or Schools for Practical Life, as they were known were, in theirturn, passionately opposed by those who supported a classicaleducation and declared that newts could only come to approach thelofty cultural level of human beings on the basis of Latin, and thatthere was no point in teaching them to speak if they weren't alsotaught to recite poetry and perform oratory with the eloquence ofCicero. There was a long and rather heated debate which was finallysettled when the schools for salamanders were taken over by the stateand schools for human children were reformed so that they came asclose as possible to the ideals of the Reform Schools for newts.

It was now a matter of course that other countries would alsodeclare their belief in making the newts have a proper, statesupervised education. One by one, all the seafaring nations declaredthemselves for it (with the exception of Great Britain, of course);and because these schools for newts were not burdened with theclassical traditions of schools for human children, and were able tomake use of all the latest methods in psychotechnology, technicaleducation, pre-military exercises and other educational innovations,these schools quickly evolved into the most modern and scientificallyadvanced educational system in the world, envied by teachers andstudents everywhere.

As soon as there are schools there needs to be a language, andthat raised the question of which of the world's languages would bethe best for the salamanders to learn. The first newts in thePacific islands spoke, of course, in the Pidgin English they hadpicked up from natives and sailors; many of them spoke Malay or otherlocal dialects. Newts bred for the market in Singapore were taughtto speak Basic English, the scientifically simplified English thatgets by with a few hundred expressions without the encumbrance ofoutdated grammar; and as a result this modified version of standardEnglish began to be called Salamander English. In the exemplaryÃcoles Zimmermann the newts expressed themselves inthe language of Corneille; not, of course, for any chauvinisticreason but because that is simply part of any good education; at thereform schools, on the other hand, Esperanto was learned so that itwould serve as a lingua franca. There were five or six other newUniversal Languages which emerged around this time with the intentionof replacing the Babylonian confusion of human languages with asingle, common mother-tongue for the whole world of newts and men;needless to say that there were countless disputes about which ofthese international languages is the most useful, most euphonious andthe most universal. The final result, of course, was that there wasa different universal language propagated in every nation.¹⁶

All this became simpler when the education of newts wasnationalised: the newts in every state were to be brought up in theappropriate local language. Although the salamanders found itrelatively easy to learn foreign languages and were keen to do sothere were found to be some peculiar difficulties, partly to do withadapting their speech organs to human language and partly to do withmainly psychological reasons; they had difficulty, for instance, inpronouncing long words with many syllables and would try to reducethem to a single syllable which they would bark out in a rather nasalvoice; they would say L instead of R and lisp on their sibilants;they would leave off grammatical endings, they never did learn todistinguish between 'I' and 'we' and the question of whether a nounwas masculine or feminine was matter of complete indifference forthem (this may have been manifestation of their indifference to sexoutside the breeding season). In short, every language they learnedtook on new and characteristic forms in their mouths, reorganising itinto something simpler and more rudimentary. It is worth nothingthat their neologisms, pronounciations and simplified grammar wasquickly adopted by both the simplest people in the ports and by theso-called best people; and from the ports this way of speaking spreadout into the newspapers and was soon in general use. Even manyhumans stopped attending to grammatical gender, word endings weredropped, declinations disappeared; our golden youth neglected to sayr properly and learned to lisp; few educated people were any longercertain what was meant by 'indeterminism' or 'transcendent', simplybecause these words, even for human beings, were too long and toohard to pronounce.

In short, for good or for ill, the newts became able to speakalmost every language of the world according to what coast they livedon. About this time, some of the Czech national newspapers began tocomplain bitterly, no doubt with good reason, that none of the newtscould speak their language. If there were salamanders who couldspeak Portuguese, Dutch and the languages of other small nations whywere there none that could speak Czech? It was true, they concededin regretful and learned terms, that Czechoslovakia had no seacoasts, and that means there will be no marine newts here, but thatdoes not mean that Czechs should not play the same part in theculture of the world as many of the other nations whose language wasbeing taught to thousands of newts, or perhaps even a greater part.It was only right and proper that the newts should also have someknowledge of Czech culture; but how were they to be informed about itif none of them knew the Czech language? It was not likely thatsomeone somewhere in the world would acknowledge this cultural debtand found a chair in Czech and Czechoslovak literature at one of thenewt universities. As the poet puts it, 'Trust no-one in the wholewide world, we have no friends out there'. And so one of thenewspaper articles declared that Czechs themselves would have to dosomething to rectify the matter. Whatever we've done in the world,it asserted, we've done by our own efforts! We have a duty and theright to try to recruit friends even among newts; but it seems thatthe foreign ministry does not have much interest in spreading thegood name of our country and our products among newts, even thoughother, smaller nations devote millions to opening their culturaltreasures to them as well as generating interest in their industrialproducts.--This article attracted a great deal of interest fromthe confederation of industry, and one result was that a briefhandbook of Czech for newts was published, complete withillustrations of Czechoslovak handwriting styles. It may seem hardto believe, but this little book was remarkably successful and soldmore than seven hundred copies.¹⁷

Matters of education and language were, of course, only one aspectof the great newt problem which grew up, as it were, under people'sfeet. The question quickly arose, for instance, of how people wereto behave towards the newts in, so to speak, the social sphere. Atfirst, in the almost prehistoric period of the Newt Age, there were,of course, societies for the prevention of cruelty to animals whichpassionately ensured that the newts were not treated in ways thatwere cruel or inhumane; and it was thanks to their continuous effortsthat government offices almost everywhere saw to it that theregulations set out by police and veterinary inspectors for theconditions of other livestock applied also to newts. Opponents ofvivisection signed many protests and petitions calling for a ban onscientific experiments on live newts; and many countries did indeedpass laws to that effect.¹⁸ But asthe newts became more educated it became less clear whether newtsshould simply be included under animal protection legislation; forsome reason, not entirely clear, it seemed rather inappropriate. Andso the Salamander Protection League was founded under the patronageof the Duchess of Huddersfield. This league, numbering more than twohundred members, mostly in England, achieved many effective andpraiseworthy improvements for the newts; in particular, theysucceeded in establishing special newt playgrounds on the coastwhere, undisturbed by inquisitive human eyes, their meetings andsporting celebrations took place (by which they probably meant theirsecret dances once a month); they ensured that all places ofeducation (even including the University of Oxford) persuaded theirstudents not to throw stones at newts; to some extent they ensuredthat young tadpoles at school weren't over-burdened with work; andthey even saw to it that places where newts lived or worked weresurrounded by a high wooden fence that would protect them fromvarious intrusions and, most importantly, would form an adequatebarrier between the world of men and the world of newts.¹⁹

However it was not long before these commendable privateinitiatives, intended to establish a fair and humane relationshipbetween human society and that of newts, were found not to beenough. It was relatively easy to include salamanders intoindustrial processes, but it was much harder and more complicated toinclude them in any way into the existing precepts of society.People who were more conservative asserted that there was no questionto be solved, there were no legal or social problems; the newts, theysaid, were simply the property of their employers and the employerswere responsible for them and any damage they might cause; despitetheir undoubted intelligence the salamanders were legally no morethan property, an object or an estate, and any legal measureconcerning the newts would, they said, be a violation of the holyrights of private property. In response, others objected that as thenewts were a kind of intelligent being and to a large extentresponsible for their actions they might freely find various ways ofviolating existing laws. How could a newt owner be expected to bearthe responsibility for any offences committed by his salamanders? Arisk of that sort would certainly destroy any private initiativewhere the employment of newts was concerned. There are no fences inthe sea, they said, newts cannot be closed in and kept undersupervision. For this reason, it would be necessary to pass lawsdirected at the newts themselves; in this way they would respect thehuman legal order and conduct themselves in accordance with theregulations laid down for them.²⁰

As far as is known, the first laws governing salamanders werepassed in France. The first paragraph set out the newts' obligationsin the event of mobilisation for war; the second (known as the LexDeval) instructed the newts that they were allowed to settle only onthose parts of the coast indicated by their owners or an appropriateoffice of local government; the third stipulated that newts wererequired, under any circumstances, to obey any order given them by amember of the police; any failure to obey a police order wouldentitle police authorities to punish them by means of incarcerationin a place that was dry and brightly lit, or even to deny them theright to work for long periods of time. The left-wing partiesresponded by putting a motion to parliament that a legal socialsystem for newts should be worked out. These social measures wouldlimit the amount of work required from them and place certainobligations on anyone employing newts (eg. fourteen days leave atmating time in the spring); the extreme left objected that the newtsshould be designated as enemies of the working class because theywork too hard in the service of capitalism, work for almost nothing,and thus they endanger the working man's standard of living; thisdemand was followed up with a strike by harbour workers in Brest andlarge demonstrations in Paris; many people were injured and Deval wasforced to resign his job as minister. In Italy the salamanders wereplaced under the authority of a special Newt Corporation made up ofemployers and public officials, in Holland they were governed by theministry supervising coastal constructions, in short every statesolved the newt problem in its own different way; but most of thepublic decisions governing public responsibility, and largelylimiting the animal freedom enjoyed by the newts, were roughly thesame anywhere you looked.

It should be understood that as soon as the first laws for newtswere passed there were people who, in the name of jurisdicial logic,reasoned that if human society places certain obligations on thesalamanders it would have to grant them certain rights. Any statethat lays down laws for newts acknowledges, ipso facto, that they arebeings capable of acting freely and responsibly, as legal subjects,or even as members of the state in which case their status ascitizens would need to be adjusted in whatever legislation they livedunder. It would, of course, have been possible to designate thenewts as foreign immigrants; but in that case the state would beunable to exact certain services and duties from them in the event ofmobilisation for war, which every country in the civilised world diddo (with the exception of England). In the event of armed conflictwe would certainly want the newts to protect our shorelines; but inthat case we could not deny them certain civil rights such as theright to vote, the right of assembly, the right to participate invarious public offices and so on.²¹It was even suggested that the newts had a kind of independent stateof their own under the water; but these considerations and otherslike them remained purely academic; they never resulted in anypractical solution, mainly because the newts themselves never askedfor any civil rights from anyone.

There was another lively debate about the newts which took placewithout their direct interest or participation, and that was aroundthe question of whether they could be baptised. The Catholic churchtook a firm stand from the start and said they certainly could not;as the newts were not the descendants of Adam they were not affectedby Original Sin, the sacrament of baptism could not be used tocleanse them of it. The Holy Church had no wish to decide thequestion as to whether the newts had an immortal soul or any othershare of God's love and salvation; their good wishes towards thenewts could only be shown by a special prayer for them, to be read oncertain days at the same time as prayers for souls in Purgatory andintercessions for unbelievers.²²For the Protestant church it was not so simple; they acknowledgedthat the newts had reason and could therefore understand Christianteaching, but they hesitated to make them members of the church andtherefore brothers in Christ. So they restricted themselves toissuing an abridged form of the Holy Gospel for Newts on waterproofpaper and distributed many million copies of it; they also consideredwhether they should work out some kind of Basic Christian for them, arudimentary and simplified version of Christianity analogous to BasicEnglish; but all attempts in this direction created so manytheological disputes that in the end they had to give up on the idea.²³ Some of the religious sects,especially those from America, had fewer scruples in the matter; theysent their missionaries out to the newts to teach them the True Faithand baptised them according to the words of Scripture: Go out intothe world and teach all nations. But very few missionaries succeededin getting past the wooden fences that divided the newts from people;employers would not let them have access to the newts because theirpreaching might keep them away from work. So every so often youwould see a preacher standing beside a tarred fence, zealouslypropounding the word of God, while the dogs fiercely barked at theirenemy from the other side.

As far as is known, monism was spread quite widely among thenewts, with some of the newts believing in materialism and some ofthem in the gold standard or some other scientific doctrine. Onepopular philosopher called Georg Sequenz even compiled a special setof religious teachings for the newts centred around a belief insomething called the Great Salamander. This system of faith met withno success whatsoever among the newts but found many converts amonghuman beings, especially in the major cities where almost overnight alarge number of secret temples for the salamander cult appeared.²⁴ Most of the newts themselves,somewhat later on, adopted a different faith, although it is notknown how they came to it; this was the worship of Moloch, whom theyimagined as an enormous newt with a human head; it was said they hadgigantic metal idols of this god under the water which they had hadmade by Armstrong or Krupp. However, no more details about this cultor its rituals were ever learned--despite their reputation forexceptional cruelty and secrecy--because they took place underwater. It seems that this faith spread among them because the name'Moloch' reminded them of the Latin and German words for newts('Molche').

It is clear from the preceding paragraphs that the Newt Questionstarted out, and for a long time remained, centred around whether andto what extent the newts had reason and whether, as clearly civilisedbeings, they would be capable of making use of certain human rights,even though only on the edge of the ordered society in which humanbeings lived; in other words it was an internal question forindividual states and it was settled in the context of citizen'srights. It was many years before it occurred to anyone that the NewtQuestion could have wide ranging international importance, or that itmight become necessary to deal with the salamanders not only asintelligent beings but also as a newt collective or nation of newts.In truth, it should be said that the first step towards thisconception of the Newt Problem was taken by some of the moreeccentric Christian sects who tried to baptise the newts asinstructed by Holy Scripture: Go out into the entire world and teachevery nation. In this way it was made explicit that the newts were asort of nation.²⁵ But the firstinternational and significant acknowledgement of the newts as anation was in the famous speech given at the CommunistInternationals, signed by Comrade Molokov and addressed to "all therepressed and revolutionary newts throughout the world".²⁶ This call seems to have had no directeffect on the newts themselves, but it was widely discussed in thepress around the world and had great influence, at least, in that arain of fervent invitations from every side began to fall on thenewts, exhorting them, as the nation of greater newtdom, they shouldalign themselves with this or that idealist, political or socialprogram of human society.²⁷

Now the International Bureau of Employment in Geneva began toconcern itself with the Newt Problem. Here there were two views inopposition to each other; one side acknowledged the newts as a newworking class and strove to have all social legislation extended tothem, regulating length of working day, paid holidays, insurance forinvalidity and old age and so on; the other view, in contrast,declared that the newts were a growing danger as competition forhuman manpower and working newts were anti-social and should simplybe banned. Not only employers' representatives objected to this ideabut also delegates from the working people, pointing out that thenewts were not just a new army of workers but also a major andgrowing market. As has been said, in recent times the numbersemployed in metal working (working tools, equipment, metal idols forthe newts), weapon manufacture, chemical industry (underwaterexplosives), paper industry (schoolbooks for the newts), cementmanufacture, forestry, artificial foodstuffs (Salamander food) andmany other areas had all risen at a rate unprecedented in peace time;there was a rise of 27% in shipping tonnage compared with the periodbefore the newts, coal production increased by 18.6%. The rise inemployment and prosperity for people indirectly caused a rise inturnover in other branches of industry too. Most recently, the newtshad been ordering more engineering parts according to their owndesigns, using them to assemble pneumatic drills, hammers, underwatermotors, printing machinery, underwater radio equipment and othermachinery, all to their own plans and all done underwater. Thesemachine parts were paid for by higher productivity; by now a fifth ofall world production in heavy industry and in fine mechanics weredependent on orders from the newts. If you put an end to the newtsyou can put an end to one factory in five; instead of modernprosperity there would be millions unemployed. The InternationalBureau of Employment could not, of course, simply ignore thisobjection, and in the end, and after long discussion, it arrived atthis compromise solution, that "the above named group of employees, S(amphibians), may be employed only on water or underwater, and on theshore only as far as ten meters above the high water line; they maynot extract coal or oil from beneath the seabed; they may not producepaper, textiles, or artificial leather made from seaweed to bemarketed on land" and so on; these restrictions on newt manufacturingwere set out in nineteen legal paragraphs which we will not cite inmore detail, mainly because, needless to say, nobody paid them anyattention; but as a magnanimous and truly international solution tothe Newt Problem in the fields of commerce and society it was held upas a useful and imposing achievement.

In other respects, international recognition of the newts wassomewhat slower, especially where cultural contact was concerned.When the much quoted article, "The Geological Structure of the Seabedaround the Islands of the Bahamas", was published in the specialistpress and the name 'John Seaman' given as the author, then of coursenobody realised that this was the scientific work of an educatedsalamander; but when newt-researchers appeared at scientificcongresses or addressed various academic or learned societies toreport on their studies in oceanography, geography, hydrobiology,higher mathematics or other precise sciences in it caused muchconsternation and indignation, expressed by the great Dr. Martel inthe following words: "Do these vermin think they've got something toteach us?" The learned Dr. Onoshita from Japan, who dared to quitefrom a report by a newt (something to do with the development of theyoke sac of the fry of the deep sea fish, Argyropelecus HemigymnusCocco), he was ostracised by the scientific community and committedharakiri; it was a matter of honour and professional pride amonguniversity scientists that they don't take into account any of thescientific work done by a newt. This increased the attention (if notoutrage) given to the Centre Universitaire de Nice when it invitedDr. Charles Mercier, a highly learned newt from the harbour atToulon, to give a celebratory lecture on the theme of conic sectionsin non-Euclidean geometry which was met with remarkable success.²⁸ Those attending the event includeda delegate from Geneva, Mme. Maria Dimineanu; this outstanding andgenerous lady was so impressed by Dr. Mercier's modesty and erudition("Pauvre petit," she is said to have sighed, "il est tellementlaid!") that she made it a part of her tirelessly active life to havethe newts accepted as a member of the United Nations. Politicianstried in vain to explain to this eloquent and energetic lady that thesalamanders could not be a member of the United Nations because theywere not a sovereign state and did not have any territory. Mme.Dimineanu began to propagate the idea that the newts should havetheir own free territory somewhere on the planet and their ownunderwater state. This idea was of course rather unwelcome if notdirectly dangerous; eventually a happy solution was found in that theUnited Nations would set up a special Commission for the Study of theNewt Question, which was to include two delegates from the newtworld; the first to be called on, under pressure from Mme. Dimineanu,was Dr. Charles Mercier of Toulon, and the second was a certain DonMario, a fat and learned newt from Cuba carrying out scientific workin the field of plankton and neritic pelagial. In this way the newtsreached the highest ever international acknowledgement of theirexistence.²⁹

So we see the salamanders achieving a steep and continuous rise.Their population is now estimated at seven thousand million, althoughwith increasing civilisation their fertility shows a marked decline(to twenty or thirty tadpoles per female per year). They haveoccupied more than sixty percent of the world's coastlines; coastsaround the polar regions are still not habitable, but newts fromCanada have begun to colonise the coast of Greenland, even succeedingin pushing the Eskimos back inland and taking the fishing industryand the trade in fish oils into their own hands. The upsurge intheir material well-being went hand in hand with their progress incivilisation; they join the ranks of educated nations with compulsoryschooling and can boast of many hundred of their own underwaternewspapers distributed in millions of copies, scientific institutionswhose buildings were an example to all, and so on. It should beunderstood that this cultural ascent was not always smooth andwithout internal disagreements; we know remarkably little about theinternal affairs of the newts, but there are some indications (suchas newts found dead with cuts to their noses and heads) that, underthe ocean, there was a long, protracted and passionate dispute underthe ocean between the young newts and the old. The young newts seemclearly to have been in favour of progress without exception orreserve, and declared that even under the water they should pursueall the educations known on the dry land with all their efforts, evenincluding football, flirting, fascism and sexual perversions; whereasthe old newts, it seemed, were more conservative to the nature ofnewtdom, were unwilling to give up the good old animal habits andinstincts; they left no doubt about their condemnation of the youngnewts' lust for novelty and saw therein a decline and a betrayal oftraditional newt ideals; they were certainly also opposed to theforeign influences so blindly followed by the corrupted youth oftoday, and they asked whether it was worthy of the dignity of proudand self-conscious newts to ape everything done by humans.³⁰ We can imagine that slogans such as 'Backto the Miocene!', 'Down with all Humanising Influences!', 'Fight forthe Right for Newts to be Undisturbed!' and so on were coined.Without a doubt, there were all the preconditions for a livelygenerational conflict of views, and for a profound revolution in thenewts' spiritual development; unfortunately, we are not able to giveany more precise details, but we hope that the newts made what theycould out of this conflict.

So now we see the newts on the way to their greatest flowering;but the world of human beings, too, was enjoying unprecedentedprosperity. New continents were planned out with great enthusiasm,shallow waters were converted to dry land, and artificial islands foraeroplanes appeared in the middle of the oceans; but compared withthe enormous technical projects which would entirely reconstruct theglobe these were as nothing, and the projects awaited nothing butsomeone to finance them. The newts worked tirelessly in all the seasand on the edge of all the continents for as long as the nightlasted; they seemed contented and asked for nothing for themselvesbut something to do and a piece of coastline where they could drilltheir holes and build the paths to their dark homes. They had theircities under the water and under the land, their subterraneanmetropoles, their Essens and their Birminghams twenty to fifty metersdown at the bottom of the sea; they have their overcrowded industrialzones, ports, transport lines and cities of a million inhabitants; inshort, they had their more or less³¹ unknown but, it seems, highly technicallydeveloped world. Although they did not have their own kilns andfoundries they were given metals by human beings in exchange forwork. They did not have their own explosives but they bought themfrom human beings. Their fuel for transport was the sea with itstides and its currents, with its undertows and differences intemperature; they had to obtain their turbines from human beings butthey were well able to make use of them; and what is civilisation ifnot the ability to make use of things invented by others? Even ifthe newts, let us say, had no thoughts of their own they were wellable to have their own science. They had no music or literature butgot by perfectly well without them; and people began to see thatthanks to the newts everything was fantastically modern. Peoplecould even learn something from the newts--and no wonder: were thenewts not amazingly successful and what should people take theirexample from if not from success? Never in the history of mankindhad so much been manufactured, constructed and earned as in thisgreat age. With the newts came enormous progress and the ideal knownas Quantity. The phrase, "We people of the Newt Age", became widelyused, and used with justified pride; where could we have got in theold-fashioned Human Age with the slow, petty and useless fiddlingknown as culture, art, pure science or suchlike. The self awarepeople of the Newt Age declared that they would no longer waste theirtime delving into the Questions of the Universe; they would haveenough to do just with the quantity of things being manufactured.the whole future of the world would consist in constantly raisingproduction and consumption; and for that there would need to be stillmore newts so that they could produce even more and consume evenmore. The newts were a simply a matter of quantity; they hadachieved their epoch-making changes because there were so many ofthem. Only now could man's ingenuity work at full effectiveness,because it was working on a huge scale with extremely highmanufacturing capacity and a record financial turnover; in short,this was a great age. And what was now still missing for universalprosperity and contentment to make this a true Happy New Age? Whatwas preventing the creation of the Utopia we all longed for, whereall these technical triumphs and magnificent possibilities would beharvested, where human happiness would combine with newts' industryto open new horizons further and further to beyond what anyone couldimagine?

Actually, there was nothing to prevent it; as now trade with thenewts would be crowned with the wisdom of the world's most competentadministrators, who would also ensure in advance that the machineryof the New Age would run smoothly. In London a conference tookplace, attended by seafaring nations, where the InternationalConvention on Salamanders was worked out and approved. The highofficials who signed the convention agreed to bind themselves not tosend their newts into the sovereign waters of other states; not toallow their newts, in any way, to violate the territorial integrityor acknowledged sphere of interest of any other state; that theywould not, in any way, interfere in matters affecting the newtsbelonging to any other seafaring power; that any dispute between itssalamanders and those of another state would be settled by the Courtof Arbitration at The Hague; that newts would not be armed with anyweapons of a calibre exceeding that which is normal for underwatershark guns; that they would not allow their newts to establish closecontact with the salamanders of other sovereign states; that theywould not assist their newts in the construction of new land orextending their territory without previous permission from theStanding Marine Commission in Geneva, and so on. (There werethirty-seven paragraphs in all) On the other hand, the Britishsuggestion that marine powers should bind themselves not to obligetheir newts to carry out any military exercises was rejected; theFrench suggestion that the salamanders should be internationalisedand subjected to the authority of an international newt commissionfor regulating world waters was rejected; the German suggestion thatevery newt should have the symbol of the state to which it belongedbranded into its skin was rejected; another German suggestion thatevery marine state be allowed only a certain number of newts so thatthe numbers in each state would be in proportion to each other wasrejected; the Italian suggestion that states with an excess ofsalamanders be allocated new shores or areas of the sea bed forcolonisation was rejected; the Japanese suggestion that they be givenan international mandate to govern the newts as representatives ofthe coloured races (the newts were by nature black) was rejected.³² Most of these suggestions weredeferred for the next conference of marine powers which, for variousreasons, did not take place.

"By this international action," wrote Monsieur Jules Sauerstoff in'Le Temps', "the future of the newts is assured, along with peacefuldevelopment for people for many decades to come. We congratulate theLondon conference for its successful conclusions on some difficultquestions; and we also congratulate the newts that by this statutethey come under the protection of the court at The Hague; they willhenceforth be able to devote themselves to their work and theirunderwater progress with a sense of peace and trust. It should beemphasised that the removal of the Newt Problem from the field ofpolitics, which is what the London conference has achieved, is one ofthe most important assurances we have of world peace; the disarmingof the salamanders, in particular, will do a great deal to reduce thelikelihood of underwater conflicts between individual states. Thefact is that--even though many border disputes and power strugglescontinue between states on almost every continent--there is nocurrent threat to world peace, at least not from the direction of thesea. But on dry land, too, we seem to have a better assurance ofpeace than ever before; the seafaring nations are fully occupied withthe construction of new shores and will be able to increase theirterritory by reclaiming land from the sea instead of trying to extendtheir frontiers on dry land. There will no longer be any need tofight with iron and gas for every tiny piece of land; all that isneeded will be the picks and shovels wielded by the newts for everystate to build as much territory as it needs; and it is the LondonConvention which ensures that the peaceful labour of the newts willbring peace and prosperity for all the nations of the world. Theworld has never before been so close to a lasting peace and a quietbut glorious efflorescence than now. Instead of the Newt Problemabout which so much has been written and said, we will now have goodreason to talk of The Golden Age of the Newt'."

NOTES

[1. Cf. G. Kreuzmann,Geschichte der Molche.Hans Tietze,Der Molch des XX Jahrhunderts. Kurt Wolff,Der Molch and das deutsche Volk. Sir Herbert Owen,Salamanders and the British Empire. Giovanni Focaja,L'evoluzione degli anfibii durante il Fascismo.Léon Bonnet,Les Urodéles et laSociété des Nations. S Madariaga,Las Salamandras y la Civilización andothers.]

[2. Cf.The War with the Newts, book I,chapter 12.]

[3. This can be seen straight away from the firstcutting in Mr. Povondra's collection:

NEWT MARKET

(Czechoslovak Press Agency) Reports issued by the SalamanderSyndicate for the end of the quarter show a thirty percent rise innewt trading. Nearly seventy million newts were supplied over thisperiod, especially to south and central America, Indochina andItalian Somalia. Plans are in progress for deepening and wideningthe Panama Canal, dredging Guayaquil harbour and the deepening ofshallow waters in the Torres Straits, which, according to the latestestimates will involve moving nine thousand million cubic metres offirm land. Construction of islands for major airports betweenMadeira and Bermuda is not due to start until next spring. Creationof the Marian Islands, under Japanese authority, is still inprogress; eight hundred and forty acres of new land--light land asit is called--has been created so far between the islands of Tinianand Saipan. Newt prices are very strong, due the increasing demand,at Leading 61 and Team 620. Supplies are adequate.]

[4. Difficulties of this sort are illustrated in thisundated cutting:]

[5. Almost the only pistol used for this purpose was theone invented by Inž. MirkoÅafránek and manufactured in the city ofBrno.]

[6. Cf. the following newpaper report"

(Havas) The Australian trade union leader, Harry MacNamara,declared a general strike for all workers in the shipping, transport,electronics and related trades because of the belief by members ofthese trades that the import of working newts into Australia shouldcome under strict control in accordance with immigration laws. Incontrast, Australian farmers have been agitating to have restrictionson the import of newts eased because demand for domestically grownmaize and animal fats, especially sheep fat, has substantiallyincreased in order to feed them. The government wants to have acompromise; the Newt Syndicate offers to make a payment of sixshillings to the trades unions for each newt imported and thegovernment is willing to guarantee that the newts will be employedonly in the water, which, for reasons of public decency, they willremain immersed in up to the chest. The trade unions, though, insistthe newts show no more than their heads and ask for a payment of tenshillings per newt in accordance with registration taxes. It seemsmost likely that an agreement will be reached that involvescontributions from the public purse.]

[7. Cf. a remarkable document from Mr. Povondra'scollection:

36 DROWNING PEOPLE SAVED BY NEWTS

(From our own correspondent)

Madras, 3rd April

The steamer, Indian Star, collided with a boat carrying around 40natives in Madras harbour, putting them all in danger of drowning.Before a police boat could be sent out, a number of newts working onthe removal of mud from the dock area rushed to their assistance andcarried thirty-six drowning people back to dry land. One of thesalamanders was seen personally to pull three women and two childrenfrom the water. As a reward for their noble actions the localauthorities wrote them a letter of thanks which was presented to themin a waterproof case. On the other hand, many of the local residentswere appalled at the newts having been allowed to touch drowningpeople who belonged to a higher caste. This was because the newtsare regarded as unclean and therefore as untouchable. Severalthousand natives gathered at the dockside insisting that the newts beremoved from the harbour area. Police however succeeded inmaintaining order; there were three deaths and one hundred and twentyarrests.

Peace was restored by ten o'clock in the evening and thesalamanders have returned to work.]

[8. Cf. the following, highly interesting, cuttingwhich, unfortunately, is in an unknown language and cannot thereforebe translated:

SAHT NA KCHRI TE SALAAM ANDER BWTAT

Saghtgwan tlap ne Salaam Ander bwtati og theni berchi ne Simbwanambengwe ogandi sukh na moimol opwana Salaam Ander sri moana gwens. Ogdi limbw, og di bwtat na Salaam Ander kchri pche ogandi pwe ogwandite ur maswali sukh? Na, ne ur lingo tIslamli kcher oganda SalaamAndrias sahti. Bend optonga kchri Simbwana médh,salaam!]

[9. Cf. the following extensive and objectivedescription, signed as e.w., 5th October:

S-TRADE

"Singapore, 4th October. Leading 63. Heavy 317. Team 648. OddJobs 26.35. Trash 0.08. Spawn 80--132."

Readers can find reports of this sort every day in the financialsections of the papers between reports on the price of cotton, tin orwheat.

But do you know what is meant by these mysterious words andfigures? Yes, they refer to the trade in salamanders, or S-Trade;but most readers idea of what these figures actually mean is lessprecise. Perhaps they imagine a big market place swarming withthousands and thousands of newts, where buyers come in their sunhelmets and turbans, inspect the goods on offer and finally point toa healthy, well developed, young newt saying, "I'd like to buy thispiece, what is its cost?"

In reality, the newt market looks somewhat different. In themarble-clad S-Trade building in Singapore you will not see a singlenewt, only lively and elegant officials in white suits takingtelephone orders. "Yes sir. Leading cost 63. How many? Twohundred? That will be alright. Twenty Heavy and a hundred andeighty Team. Okay, that's quite clear. The ship sets sail in fiveweeks time. Right? Thank you, sir." The whole of the S-Tradepalace is abuzz with telephone calls; it seems more like an office ora bank than a market; but this white and grand-looking building withthe Ionian columns at the front is a market place more famous thanthe Harun ar Rashid bazaar in Baghdad.

But let us return to the market report mentioned above with allits commercial jargon. Leading means simply the specially selected,most intelligent newts, usually about three years old and carefullytrained to become supervisors and managers in the newts workcolonies. They are sold individually and without regard to theirbody weight; they are valued solely for their intelligence.Singapore Leading, all of whom speak good English, are consideredbest of all and the most reliable; there are also various other kindsof newts given positions of responsibility, such as the Capitanos,Engineers, Malayan Chiefs, Foremanders and so on, but it is theLeading Newts that are thought the most valuable. Their presentvalue is about sixty dollars.

The Heavies are muscular newts, usually about two years old andweighing between a hundred and a hundred and twenty pounds. They aresold only in squads known as bodies, consisting of six individualseach. They have been trained to perform the heaviest physical worksuch as rock breaking, removing boulders and so on. If a reportstates that Heavies are at 317, that means that the cost if each bodyis $317. Each squad of Heavies is usually assigned to one Leadingwhich will act as supervisor.

Team are the ordinary working newts, weighing between 80 and 100pounds each; they are sold only in working groups (teams) of twenty;they are intended for use together on major tasks and are often usedfor dredging, construction of dykes and dams and so on. Each team oftwenty will have a Leading to supervise it.

The Odd Jobs constitute a class of their own. These are newtsthat, for one reason or another, were never trained for collective orspecialised work. This could be because they grew up outside thelarge specialist newt farms run by specialists. They are, in fact,half wild, but can often be very talented. They can be boughtindividually or by the dozen and can be used for various kinds ofsupplementary or minor jobs for which a whole squad of newts wouldnot be needed. If the Leadings can be seen as the éliteof the newt world, the Odd Jobs can be seen as something like theproletariat. Recently, they have commonly been bought as the rawmaterial for newts which can be trained further into Leading, Heavy,Team or Trash.

The Trash are the less valuable newts which are weak or physicallydefective. They are not sold as individuals or in squads but in bulkby weight, typically several dozen tons at a time; the price of akilogram of live weight is currently between seven and ten cents. Itis not actually known what they are used for or why they are bought--maybe they are put to some kind of light work in water; to avoidmisunderstanding, you should remember that newts are not edible forman. They are bought almost exclusively by Chinese middle-men; wherethey take them has never been ascertained.

Spawn consists of tadpoles up the age of twelve months. They arebought and sold by hundreds and enjoy a lively trade, mainly becausethey are cheap to buy and cheap to transport; they grow into adultnewts, capable of work, at the place where they are to be employed.The Spawn are transported in barrels, as although adult newts need toleave the water every day the tadpoles never do. It is not unusualfor individuals of exceptional talent to emerge from among the Spawn,even more capable than the typical Leading; this adds a peculiarinterest to dealing in tadpoles. These highly talented newts canthen be sold for several hundred dollars each; the Americanmillionaire, Denicker, paid as much as two thousand dollars for anewt that spoke nine languages fluently and had it transported on aspecial ship all the way to Miami; the transport alone cost nearlytwenty thousand dollars. It has recently become popular to buytadpoles for the newt stables, where fast sporting newts are selectedand trained; they are then harnessed in groups of three onto flatboats in the form of a shell. These shell races of boats pulled bynewts are now the height of fashion and the favourite pastime ofyoung American girls in Palm Beach, Honolulu and Cuba; they are knownas Triton Races or Venus Regattas. The young women competing willstand in the light shell-shaped boat and scud across the waterdressed in the shortest and most alluring swimsuits, controlling theteam of three newts through silken reins; the prize is merely thetitle, Venus. Mr. J.S Tincker, known as the tin-can king, bought atrio of racing newts for his little daughter, Poseidon, Hengist andKing Edward, for at least thirty-six thousand dollars. But all thisis not part of the S-Trade proper, which limits itself to theprovision, round the world, of reliable, working Leadings, Heaviesand Teams.

We have already mentioned the newt farms. The reader ought not toimagine fields and enormous breeding pens; the farms consist of nomore than a few miles of bare coastline with a few scatted huts ofcorrugated iron. One hut is for the vet, one for the manager, andthe others are for the supervising personnel. It is only when thetide goes out that it is possible to see the long fences running outinto the sea and dividing the beach into a number of basins. One isfor the tadpoles, the second for the Leading class, and so on; eachclass is fed and exercised separately but always at night. Atsunset, the newts come out of their holes in the shore and gatheraround their teachers, who are ordinary old soldiers. First comesthe talking lesson; the teacher will say a word such as dig out loudto the newts, and mime its meaning. Then they form into ranks offour and they are taught to march; this is followed by a half hour ofphysical exercises and a period of rest in the water. After thebreak, they are how to handle various tools and weapons and then,under the supervision of their teachers, they do practical work onunderwater constructions for about three hours. After this work theygo back into the water where they are fed on dried food for newts,consisting mainly of corn flour and fat; Leadings and Heavies arealso given meat. Laziness and disobedience are punished bywithholding food, there are no other physical punishments, mainlybecause salamanders have virtually no sense of pain. As soon asthe Sun rises on the newt farms there is a deathly silence; thehumans go to bed and the newts disappear under the sea.

There are only two times in the year when this procedure is notfollowed. Once in the mating season when the newts are left to theirown devices for two weeks, and secondly when the tanker from the NewtSyndicate steams into the farm with orders to the farmer about howmany newts of what classes are to be taken away. This takes place atnight; the ships captain, the farm manager and a vet sit at a tableunder the lamplight while the supervisors and ships ratings close offthe newts access to the sea. Then the newts come one at a time tothe table to be judged whether they are suitable or not. The newtschosen are put into the dinghy and taken on board the tanker.Mostly, they are quite willing to collaborate in this affair, withlittle more ever needed than a sharp word of command; there are rareoccasions when mild force is needed in form of handcuffs. Thetadpoles, of course, are caught in nets.

Once on board the newt tankers, the salamanders are transportedunder conditions just as humane and hygienic; they receive highlynutritious food and the water in their tanks is changed every day.The death rate on the voyage hardly reaches ten percent. At therequest of animal protection societies, every newt tanker has achaplain on board who watches over how the crew behave towards thenewts and is required to preach to them every night that they shouldalways show respect for humans, always do as they are told and alwaysfeel love for their prospective employers, who would never showanything but fatherly concern for their well-being. Fatherly concernmust certainly be a difficult concept to explain to newts, asfatherhood is something unknown to them. The better educatedsalamanders adopted the name Papa Newt for the ships chaplains. Thenewts were also shown educational films during the voyage whichdisplayed not only the wonders of human technology but also what workand duties would be expected of the newts. These films were found tobe very effective.

There are those who say that S-Trade stands for Slave Trade.Well, as disinterested observers we can say that if the former slavetrade had been as well organised and hygienic and as perfectlyoperated as the current trade in newts, then we could only offer theslaves our congratulations. The more expensive salamanders inparticular are treated very well, if only because the captain andcrew of the newt tankers are depend on the lives of the newtsentrusted to them for their own wages. The author of this articlehas seen personally how the toughest of seamen on tanker SS 14 weredeeply touched when two hundred and forty top class newts in one ofthe tanks became ill and suffered serious diarrhoea. They went tosee them almost with tears in their eyes and gave expression to theirhumane feelings with the rough words, "These bastards owe us too muchto die on us now!"]

[10. We cite the following contemporarydescription:

BUCCANEERS OF THE XX CENTURY E.E.K.

It was eleven at night when the captain ordered the national flagto be taken down and put out the dinghy. It was a bright, moonlitnight; I think it was Gardner Island we rowed out to, in the PhoenixArchipelago. On moonlit nights like that the newts come out onto theshore and dance; you can go up close to them and they won't hear you,they're so obsessed with this dance of theirs, all there together andsaying nothing. There were twenty of us who went onshore carryingoars, we spread out all around the swarm of newts on the beach andsurrounded them in the darkness, apart from the milky light of themoon.

It's hard to describe what it feels like to see those newtsdancing. About three hundred of them sit on their back legs in aperfect circle, facing inwards; the middle of the circle is empty.The newts keep perfectly still as if they'd gone rigid; it looks likea circular palisade around some secret altar; only there's no altarthere and no god. All of a sudden one of them starts hissing"ts-ts-ts" and swinging the upper half of its body round and round;then the next one starts doing the same and so on and on and after afew seconds all the newts are whirling the upper half of their bodiesround like a frenzy, but staying on the same spot, quicker andquicker, not saying a word but getting faster and faster, like theywere drunk or possessed. After about a quarter of an hour one of thenewts will start to get tired, then another, then a third, they'lllose their strength as they swing round and then go stiff; then theyall sit still again like statues, then after a while another one ofthem will start going "ts-ts-ts", another one will start swinginground and then they're all suddenly dancing again, the whole circle.I know the way I'm describing it makes it sound very mechanical, butimagine it with the moonlight making everything white and the waveson the shore make their long slow sounds; there was something made itseem infinitely magical, and something made it seem evil. I stoodthere, hardly breathing, I wasn't sure whether I was amazed orhorrified. "Here, you'd better move your feet, mate," called the mannearest to me, "else you'll start growing roots!"

We closed in around the circle of animals as they danced. The menheld their oars out in front of them and whispered, not so muchbecause the newts might hear them as that it was night. "Into themiddle, quick," called out the commanding officer. We all ran intothat circle of newts as they whirled about, and you could hear theoars as they thudded down on the newts backs. It was only then thatthe newts were startled and cowered down into the centre or tried toslide away into the sea between the oars, but those ones got hit withan oar that threw them back into the circle and they'd scream withthe pain of it, and because they were so scared. Wed use a flagpoleto push them back into the middle, squeeze them into a tight group,all lying on top of each other; ten men would round them up into apen made of oars and another ten would use their oars to hit andshove the ones that tried to climb out under them and run away. Itwas just one mass of black, writhing meat, panicked and screaming asthe oar blows landed on them in the darkness. Then they'd open up agap between two of the oars; a newt would creep out of it and it'd beknocked down with a blow on the back of the head with a big stick;then there'd be another one and a third one until there were abouttwenty of them lying there. "Close it," the officer ordered, and thegap between the two oars would shut. Bully Beach and Dingo, thehalf-cast, they'd take one of the stunned newts in each hand and dragthem along the beach to the dinghy, just like sacks, not like livingbeings. If the newt that was being dragged along got caught betweensome stones the seaman dragging him would just pull harder and give avicious tug so that a leg might be pulled off. "Don't you worryabout that," grumbled old Mike who was standing next to me. "It'llgrow back again." Once all the stunned newts had been thrown intothe dinghy, the officer would just say, "Get the next lot ready."And then it would start all over again, with the newts being clubbedon the back of the head. This officer, Bellamy, his name was, he wasa quiet and educated man, an excellent chess player; but this was ahunt, or rather a business just like any other. There were more thentwo hundred newts knocked out like this; about seventy of them wereleft because they were probably dead an not worth the effort ofdragging away.

Back on board, the captured newts were thrown into a tank. Ourship was an old oil tanker and the tanks stank of oil because theyhadn't been cleaned out properly, and the water had an obvious oilyfilm over it. All that had been done was that the cover had beentaken off so that the air could get to it. When the newts werethrown in it looked thick and repulsive, like some kind of noodlesoup. In some places where they moved about they looked weak andpitiful. Over the next day they were left alone while they came to,then the day after, four men would come along and jab long poles intothe soup, as everyone called it, they'd mix all the bodies togetherand watch to see if there were any that weren't moving or where theflesh was falling off; they'd hook them on long poles and pull themout of the tank. Then the captain would ask Is the soup clean?--Yessir.--Pour the water in--yes sir. That soup had to be cleaned likethis every day, and each time they'd throw six to ten pieces ofdamaged goods, as they called them, into the sea; there was always alot of big and well fed sharks closely following our ship. The stinkfrom the tanks was awful; despite being changed now and then thewater in them was yellow, full of excrement and bits of wet food;there'd be these black bodies lying about in it, splashing wearily orjust doing nothing, hardly able to breathe. Well they've got itgood, old Mike insisted. I saw a ship once used to transport them inmetal benzine barrels; they all died.

Six days later we picked up new goods off the island ofNanomea.

----

This then, is how the trade in newts is operated; an illegalbusiness, modern piracy to be more exact, which burgeoned overnight,as it were. It is said that nearly a quarter of all the newts boughtand sold have been hunted and captured in this way. Newts multipliedin the hatcheries which the Newt Syndicate no longer wished tomaintain as farms and overran some of the smaller islands in thePacific so much that they became a serious pest; the local peopledisliked them and insisted they put entire islands in danger ofcollapse because of the tunnels and passageways; so the colonialauthorities and the Newt Syndicate itself turned a blind eye to thepirate raids where the newts lived. It was reckoned that there wereas many as four hundred pirate ships occupied solely with huntingnewts. As well as the small traders there were entire shippingcompanies acting as latter day buccaneers in this way, and thebiggest of them was the Pacific Trade Company, based in Dublin withCharles B. Harriman as its managing director. A year earlier it hadbeen even worse, with Teng, a bandit from China, would use his threeships to directly attack the farms of the syndicate itself and had nohesitation in killing the staff if they tried to stand in their way.The previous November, Teng and the whole of his fleet had been sunkby the American gunboat, Minnetonka, off Midway Island. Since then,the trade in newts had kept to less wild forms of piracy and enjoyedsteady growth after certain procedures had been agreed on such as theships national flag being hoisted when it attacks the shore of aforeign land, that no other goods would be traded in under thepretext of piracy, that the newts acquired would not be disposed ofat dumping prices but would be designated inferior quality when puton the market. Newts in the illegal trade would be sold at betweentwenty and twenty-two dollars each; they are seen as inferior qualitybut very robust considering that they survived the terrible treatmenton the pirate ships. It was estimated that, on average, twenty-fiveto thirty percent of newts captured went through this experience; andthat they would be capable of going through more. In the tradejargon they were known as Maccaroni, and recently had begun to belisted in regular business reports.

----

Two months later I was playing chess with Mr. Bellamy in thelounge of the Hotel France in Saigon; I wasn't contracted to a shipat that time, of course.

"Bellamy," I said to him, "you're a decent person, a gentleman,you might say. Doesn't it ever feel strange for you that you'redoing something that, basically, is the lowest kind of slavetrade?"

Bellamy shrugged his shoulders. "Newts are newts," he grumbledevasively.

"Two hundred years ago they said niggers are niggers."

"And weren't they right?" said Bellamy. "Check!"

I lost that game. It suddenly occurred to me that every move onthe chessboard is old and has been played by somebody at some time.Maybe our own history has been played out by somebody at some time,and we just move our pieces about in the same moves to strike in thesame way as people have always done. Maybe it was the same sort ofquiet and decent Bellamy that used to hunt negroes on the Ivory Coastand transported them to HaÄti and Louisiana, letting them die onthe lower decks. That Bellamy, back in those days thought nothing ofit. This Bellamy never thinks anything of it. That's why he'sincorrigible.

"Black loses," declared Bellamy cheerfully, and got up to go for awalk.]

[11. We cite a report on the scientific congress inParis by an eye-witness, r.d.

Ier CONGRÈSD'URODÈLES

Known in short as the amphibians congress, the official title ofthe congress was somewhat longer: The First International Congress ofZoologists for Psychological Research into Caudate Amphibians. Notrue Parisian, though, likes long names such as this, so theyreferred to the learned professors who sat in the halls of theSorbonne simply as Messieurs les UrodÄles, thenewt men. Or else, even shorter and less respectful, those zoomen.

So we went to have a look at those zoomen, not so much out of journalistic duty as out of simplecuriosity. The curiosity, you understand, was not so much for themostly aged and bespectacled scientists but for the...creatures(why do we feel difficulty in writing the word animal?) about whom somuch has already been written both in scientific papers and in thepopular press. There are some who say that what has been written isno more than journalistic humbug, but others say that these animalsare in may respects more gifted than the Lord of the World and Crownof Creation himself, as man is still called--even after the WorldWar and other incidents. I hoped that the venerable gentlemen takingpart in the congress for research into the minds of caudateamphibians would provide a clear and final answer for us laymen as toAndrias Scheuchzer's fabled intelligence, that they would say to usyes, this is an intelligent being, or at least tell us that they areas capable of civilisation as you or I. For this reason, we shouldconsider what the future might hold for these creatures just as weshould consider what the future might hold for mankind, a race oncethought so wild and primitive. I tell you there was no answer given,nor any question of this sort put to the congress; modern science hasbecome too...specialised to concern itself with problems of thissort.

So let us try to learn something aboutwhat a scientist would call animal psychology. That tall gentlemanwith the long beard now mounting the podium, that is the famousProfessor Dubosque; he seems to be criticising some perverse theoryby some esteemed colleague, but it is difficult for us to follow thisside of his argument. Indeed, it is only after considerable timethat we realise that this man speaking with the enthusiasm of a blackmagician is discussing the ability of Andrias to perceive colours andhis ability to distinguish various shades. I cannot be sure that Iunderstood properly, but I left with the impression that AndriasScheuchzeri might be largely colour-blind, but that ProfessorDubosque must be terribly short sighted going by the way he liftedhis papers up to his thick, glasses that sparkled wildly in thelight. Professor Dubosque was succeeded on the podium by the smilingDr. Okagawa from Japan; he explained something about reaction timesand other effects that result if he cut some kind sensory channel inAndrias's brain; then he told us how Andrias responds if part of theauditory system is crushed. Professor Rehmann, coming next,explained in detail how Andrias responds to electric shocks, at whicha passionate dispute arose between him and Professor Bruckner. C'estun type, this Professor Bruckner: small, angry, and lively to anextent that verges on the tragic; amongst other things, he assertedthat the sense organs of Andrias are as weak as those of man and thathe has the same limited instincts; looked at from a purely biologicalpoint of view, Andrias is an animal as degenerate as man, and justlike man he tries to make up for these biological deficiencies bywhat is known as intellect. However, the other specialists seem notto have taken Professor Bruckner seriously, probably because he hadnot severed any sensory nerves and had not shot any electric chargesinto any newts brain. He was followed by Professor van Dieten whoslowly and almost reverentially described the disorders that are seenin Andrias after the right temporal lobe of the brain has beenremoved or the occipital lobe from the left hand side. Then therewas a reading from Professor Devrient from America...

Forgive me, I am not quite sure what itwas that Professor Devrient said in his reading as at that moment myhead had begun to spin at the thought of what disorders would be seenin Professor Devrient if his right temporal lobe were removed; howthe smiling Dr. Okagawa would respond if he were given electricstimulants and how professor Rehmann might behave if his auditorycavities were crushed. I also began to feel rather uncertain aboutmy abilities to distinguish colours and my sensory-motor reactions.I started to be tortured with doubt as to whether (speaking strictlyscientifically) we have any right to talk of our own (mankind's)spiritual life considering that we have not butchered each otherscerebral lobes and cut sensory nerves. Should we turn on each other,scalpel in hand, to study each others spiritual life? As far as I amconcerned I would be quite happy--in the interests of science--tosmash professor Dubosque's glasses or shoot electric shocks intoProfessor Dieten's bald head and publish an article about how hereacts. In fact I can imagine how he would react quite vividly,although I find it harder to imagine what goes on in the would ofAndrias Scheuchzer in experiments of this sort even though I knowalready that he is a boundlessly patient and good-natured creature asnone of the lecturing professors mentioned any time that poor AndriasScheuchzeri ever became angry. I am in no doubt that the FirstCongress on Caudate Amphibians has been a remarkable scientificsuccess; but as soon as I have a day free I will be going to theJardin des Plantes and straight to the tank where Andrias Scheuchzeriis held so that I can quietly say to him, "You, newt, your day willcome one day...but please never think of examining the spirituallife of people!"]

[12. The uses to which newts can be put was researchedin particular by Wuhrmann in Hamburg, and this is just one shortextract from his papers on the subject:

BERICHT ÃœBER DIE SOMATISCHE VERANLAGUNG DERMOLCHE

In the experiments carried out by myself on the great Pacific newt(Andrias Scheuchzeri Tschudi) in my laboratory in Hamburg, I wasdirected by one certain objective: to examine the newts ability towithstand changes to their environment and other external influencesand thus to show how they can be put to practical use in variousparts of the world and under varying conditions.

The first of the experiments was intended to ascertain how longthe newt can survive away from water. The subjects were kept in adry tank at a temperature of 40 to 50 degrees Celsius. After somehours they showed distinct signs of tiredness, but became more activeif sprayed with water. After a period of twenty-four hours they laymotionless, moving nothing more than their eyelids; the pulse slowed,and all physical activities were reduced to a minimum. The animalswere clearly suffering and the slightest movement cost them a greatdeal of effort. After three days they entered a state of catalepticstillness (xerosis); they did not respond even if burned with anelectric cauterisor. If the humidity of the air was raised, thenthey began to show certain signs of life (blinking if exposed tostrong sources of light etc.) If a newt was thus dehydrated forseven days and then thrown into water it would it would takeconsiderable time before it once again became active; but a largenumber of subjects deprived of water for a longer period perished.If left in direct sunshine they would die after only a fewhours.

In another experiment, subjects were forced to turn a crank handlein the dark and in a very dry environment. After a period of threehours their activity began to decline but became rose again afterspraying with copious amounts of water. If the spraying wasfrequently repeated the animals continued to turn the crank for up toseventeen, twenty or, in one case, even twenty-seven hours, whereas ahuman subject acting as control was already quite exhausted afteronly five hours of this mechanical activity. From these experimentswe can conclude that newts are well suited to work on dry landprovided that two obvious conditions are observed; they cannot beexposed to direct sunlight and they need to be sprayed with waterfrom time to time.

The second series of experiments was intended to test theresistance of these originally tropical animals to cold. If cooledsuddenly with water, the subjects would die from intestinal catarrh;however, if allowed slowly to acclimatise to a cold environment, thesubjects would become used to it and after a period of eight monthsthey even remained active in water at a temperature of 7°C, provided they were given extra fat in their diets (150 to 200grams each). If the water temperature was reduced to below5° C the subjects would become stiff (gelosis); in thisstate they could be frozen and kept in a block of ice for severalmonths; when the ice was melted and the water temperature rose above5° C they would begin, once again, to show signs of lifeand at seven to ten degrees they would become lively and seek food.It can be seen from this that there is no difficulty in acclimatisingnewts even to our own climate as far as northern Norway and Iceland.For polar conditions, further experiments would be needed.

In contrast with this, the subjects showed themselves remarkablysensitive to chemicals; in experiments using very dilute lye,discharge from factories, tanning fluids etc., the skin fell offtheir bodies in broad strips and the subjects died from some kind ofinflammation of the gills. This means that, for the conditions foundin our rivers, newts are practically unusable.

In another series of experiments, we were able to ascertain howlong a newt is able to survive without food. They can be kept hungryfor three weeks or even longer, showing no symptoms worse than acertain lethargy. I kept one of the newts hungry for a period of sixmonths; after the first three months it slept continuously andwithout any kind of movement; when the newt was then thrown into atub of chopped liver it was so weak that it showed no reaction andhad to be fed by hand. After some days it began to eat normally andthe newt concerned could be put to use in further experiments.

The final series of experiments examined the newts ability torecover from injury. If a subjects tail was cut off it would regrowwithin fourteen days; this was attempted with one newt no less thanseven times, each time with the same result. the same result wasobserved if the subjects feet were cut off. All four limbs and thetail were amputated from one subject; and within thirty days it wasonce again whole. If the thigh or shoulder bone of one of theanimals is broken, the entire limb will fall off and a new one willbe grown to replace it. The same result was obtained if a subjectseye or tongue was cut out; although one interesting observation wasthat the newt whose tongue had been removed lost the ability to speakand had to learn it all over again. If a newts head is amputated, orits body bisected anywhere between the neck and the pelvis, theanimal dies. On the other hand, the stomach can be removed, part ofthe intestine, two thirds of the liver or other organs, without anydisturbance to the animals life functions, so that we can say a newtthat has been all but disembowelled is still capable of life. Thereis no other animal so resistant to any sort of injury than the truenewt. This capacity would make of it a first-class, almostindestructible, animal for use in warfare if it were not for itspeaceable nature and natural failure to defend itself.

...

Alongside these experiments, my assistant, Herr Doktor WalterHinkel, examined the newts to ascertain whether they could be asource of useful raw materials. We were interested in particular toascertain whether the body of a newt contains a large quantity ofiodine or phosphorus; and our positive results suggest it might bepossible to extract these important elements on an industrial scale.The skin of a newt in its natural state does not have any serioususe, it can however be ground to a paste and subjected to highpressure to create an artificial leather which is light and strongenough to offer a serious alternative to leather from the hides ofcattle. Because of its repulsive odour, the fat in a newt's body isof limited use, but its very low freezing temperature makes it ofpossible value as a lubricant for machinery. The meat of a newt waslikewise considered unusable, and even as poisonous; if consumed inits raw state it causes serious pains, vomiting and sensoryhallucinations. After a large number of experiments conducted onhimself, however, Dr. Hinkel was able to ascertain that these harmfuleffects disappear if slices of the meat are steamed (in this way itresembles certain mushrooms), thoroughly rinsed, and soaked fortwenty-four hours in a weak solution of hypermanganese. It can thenbe boiled or steamed and tastes like poor quality beef. In this waywe consumed the newt whom we had come to know as Hans; Hans was aneducated and intelligent animal with a special talent for scientificwork; it had worked in Dr. Hinkel's department as a laboratoryassistant and could even be trusted with delicate chemical analyses.We would spend entire evenings talking with Hans who enjoyedboundless curiosity. It became unfortunately necessary to dispose ofHans after he became blind after my experiments with trepanation.Hans's meat was dark and with a slight flavour of mushrooms, but leftno unpleasant effects. There is no doubt that in the event of needarising from war it would be possible to use newt meat as a cheapsubstitute for beef.]

[13. This matter was reflected in a survey publishedin the Daily Star on the theme of Do Newts have a Soul? Here, wequote some of the statements by outstanding personalities from thissurvey (although of course with no guarantee of their truth):

Dear Sir,

A friend of mine, the Reverend H.B.Bertram, and I observed some newts over a long period while they werebuilding a dam in Aden. We also spoke with them on two or threeoccasions, but we found no indications of any higher feelings such asHonour, Faith, Patriotism or interest in Sport. And what else, may Iask, is there that could be seen as an indication of asoul?

Truly yours,

Colonel John W. Britton.]

[14. I have never seen a newt, but I am convinced thata being without music is a being without a soul.

Toscani

Leaving the question of a soul to one side, whenever I have hadthe opportunity to observe newts they have seemed to me to have noindividuality; each one seems to be like the next, equally diligent,equally competent--and equally indistinguishable. In a word, theymeet one of the ideals of modern civilisation, Mediocrity.

André d'Artois

It is quite certain that they do not have a soul. This issomething they have in common with man.

Yours, G.B. Shaw

Your question left me feeling somewhat perplexed. I know, forexample, that my little Chinese dog, Bibi, has a little and acharming soul; and I know that my Persian cat, Sidi Hanum has a soul,so wonderful and so cruel! But newts? Yes, they are very talentedand intelligent, the poor things are able to speak, calculate andmake themselves very useful; but they are so ugly!

Yours, Madeleine Roche

It's alright for them to be newts just as long as they're notMarxists

Kurt Huber

They have no soul. If they had, then we would have to put them onan economic par with mankind, and that would be absurd.

Henry Bond

They ain't got no sex-appeal. And that means they ain't got asoul.

Mae West

They do have a soul, just as every other animal and every plantand every living thing has a soul. Great indeed is the secret of anylife.

SandrabhárataNath

They have an interesting swimming technique; there's a lot that wecould learn from these newts, especially about long distanceswimming.

JohnnyWeissmüller]

[15. VizMme. Louise Zimmermann, sa vie, sesidées, son eouvre (Alcan). We quote from this workthe admiring memory of a newt who was one of her first pupils:

"Sitting beside our simple but clean and comfortable tank, Mme.Zimmermann would read the legends of Lafontaine to us. The dampnesswas unpleasant for her, but she paid no attention as she was soengrossed in her task as our teacher. She called us mes petischinois because, just like the Chinese, we were unable to pronouncethe letter r, but after some time she became so used to it that shebegan to pronounce her own name as Mme. Zimmelmann. We tadpolesadored her; the little ones who still had not developed lungs andtherefore were not able to leave the water, cried when they could noaccompany her on her walks around the school garden. She was soloving and gentle that, as far as I know, there was only one occasionwhen she became cross; that was on one very hot day when the younglady who taught us history put on a bathing costume and got into thetank with us and told us about the struggle for independence in theNetherlands sitting up to her neck in water. Then our dear Mme.Zimmermann became truly angry: "Get out of there immediatelyMademoiselle," she shouted with tears in her eyes, "get out and washyourself, get out, get out". For us newts it was a clear but gentlelesson that we do not belong among people. Later on were grateful toour spiritual mother that she had made us conscious of this in suchan emphatic and tactful way.

"When we had studied hard, she would readus some modern poetry, such as FrançoisCoppéa, as a reward. It is really rather too modern,she would say, but, after all, even that is part of a good educationnowadays. At the end of the school year there was an open day towhich the prefect of Nice and other important persons in governmentand other fields of excellence were invited. The most gifted andadvanced pupils who already had their lungs were dried off by thecaretaker and dressed in white; and then, behind a thin curtain sothat they would not alarm the ladies, they would read out the fablesof Lafontaine, mathematical formulae and the history of the Capetdynasty with all the important dates. Then the prefect would give along and beautiful speech of thanks to our dear headmistress thatbrought the day to an end. As much care was given to our physicaldevelopment as to our spiritual development; once a month we wereinspected by the local vet and every six months each of us wasweighed. Our dear mentor laid especial emphasis on the need to giveup the disgusting and base habit of dancing to the moon; but I amsorry to say that some of the older students did commit this bestialdisgrace in secret when the moon was full. I hope our friend and, asit were, mother never learned about this; it would have broken hergreat, noble and loving heart."]

[16. Amongst others, the famous linguist, Curtius, inthe publication,Janua Linguarum aperta, suggested that theonly general language to be adopted by newts should be the Latin ofthe golden age of Vergil. It is today within our grasp, he declared,for Latin, this most perfect of languages, the richest in grammaticalrules and most developed in science, to once more be a livinglanguage in use in all parts of the world. If those educated partsof mankind do not take this opportunity then you, salamandrae, gensmaritima, you should grasp it yourselves; choose for your homelanguage eruditam linguam Latinam, the only language worthy of beingspoken throughout orbis terrarum. Salamandrae, should you resurrectthe eternal language of gods and heroes into new life then it will bea service that lasts forever; for, gens Tritonum, with this languagewe would be accepting the legacy of Rome that was the ruler of theworld.

In contrast with Curtius, a certaintelegraph clerk in Lithuania by the name of Wolteras, working incollaboration with Pastor Mendelius, invented and developed alanguage specially for newts which he called puntic language; in it,he used elements from all the languages of the world, especiallyAfrican languages. This newt language, as it became known, becamequite popular, especially in the countries of the north, although,unfortunately, only among humans; in Uppsala there was even a chairin newt language founded but among the newts themselves there is norecord of it being spoken by a single one. The truth is that themost popular language among the newts was Basic English, which laterbecame the newts official language.]

[17. Cf. an article by JaromirSeidel-Novoměstský, preserved in Mr.Povondra's collection of cuttings.

OUR FRIEND IN THE GALÃPAGOS

After the painful loss of our dear aunt, the author Mrs. BohumilaJandová-Střešovická,my wife, the poetess JindřichaSeidlová-Chrudimská, and I undertook ajourney around the world so that the charm of so many new andpowerful impressions might go at least some way to assuage oursorrow. We arrived on the Galápagos Islands, so lonelyand so swathed in legend, where we were spending two or three hoursof free time in a promenade along the beach.

"See how beautiful the sunset is today,my dear," I said to my spouse. "Is it not as if the whole of the skywere drowning in a sea of blood and gold?"

"Do I have the pleasure of speaking to aCzech gentleman?" I heard a voice say in pure and correct Czech, notfar behind us.

In surprise, we looked around us in thatdirection but there was no-one to be seen, only a large black newtsitting on a rock and holding in its hand something that looked likea book. In the course of our travels around the world we had alreadycome across a large number of newts but had not had the opportunityof engaging with any of them in conversation. So, dear reader, youcan understand our astonishment when, on an abandoned shore such aswhere we found ourselves, we came across a newt that addressed us inour own language.

"Who is that speaking?" I asked, inCzech.

"It was I who took that liberty, sir,"the newt replied very politely as it stood up. "I'm afraid it wasthe first time in my life that I heard Czech being spoken and I wasunable to resist."

"But how come," I asked in astonishment,"you speak Czech?"

"Well I was just occupied with studyingthe conjugations of the irregular verb, to be," the newt replied, "asthis is a verb that is irregular in all languages of theworld."

I pursued my question. "How where andwhy have you learned Czech?"

"It was by mere good fortune that thisbook came into my hands," the newt answered as it handed theaforementioned book to me; the book was Czech for Newts, and itspages bore the marks of frequent and diligent use. "It arrived onthese shores as part of a consignment of books of an educationalnature. I found myself offered the choice ofGeometry for theSixth Form, TheHistory of Military Strategy, a guideto the Dolomites andThe Principles of Bimetalism. This isthe book I chose, and it has since become my second favourite. Ialready have its contents by heart, although it is still able to be acontinual source of entertainment and education for me."

My lady wife and I expressed ourunfeigned joy and wonderment at this news and the newt's near perfectpronunciation. "It is however unfortunate," the newt continuedmodestly, "that there is no-one here with whom I am able to speakCzech, and I am even uncertain as to whether the word for 'horse' inthe instrumental case is 'koni' or 'koňmi'."

"It is 'koňmi'," I informedthe newt.

"But no, it is 'koni'," objected my ladywife.

"Would you be so kind as to tell me ofthe latest events in Prague, the mother of cities with its hundredtowers?" asked our dear companion with great enthusiasm.

"The city is growing, my friend," Iexplained, pleased at his interest, and briefly adumbrated the recentefflorescence of our golden metropolis.

"This does indeed portend well for thefuture," replied the newt with unfeigned pleasure. "And are theheads of the Czech aristocrats still to be seen impaled around thetowers?"

"That was a long time ago," I told him,somewhat (I confess) surprised by his question.

"That is indeed a pity," opined thislikeable newt. "It was a historic monument of great value. We canbe thankful to the Lord God that took so many remarkable historicmonuments in the Thirty Years War! If I am not mistaken, the Czechlands were at that time transformed into a desert, stained with bloodand tears. We can also be grateful that the negative genitive didnot perish at that time. This book explains that it is currentlydisappearing, and I will be indeed sorry if that is indeedso."

"So you take an interest in our history,"I exclaimed with joy.

"I do indeed," the newt replied."Especially the subjugation that followed the Battle of White Hilland the Thirty Years War. I have read a great deal on the matter inthis book. I'm sure you must be very proud of your three centuriesof subjugation. It was a great era for the Czech people."

"Yes, it was a difficult time," I said,thinking to humour him. "A time of oppression andsorrow."

"And did you suffer greatly?" asked ourfriend with enthusiasm.

"We suffered unspeakable and unrelentingsorrows under the yoke of the oppressor."

"I'm very glad to hear it," the newt saidwith relief. "That's just what it says in the book. I'm glad tohear that it is true. It is an excellent book, sir, far better thanGeometry for the Sixth Form. I would be very glad to standon the memorable spot where the Czech aristocracy were executed, aswell as on the other celebrated places of cruelwrongdoing."

"You must look in on us when you arethere," I invited sincerely.

"Thank you for your kind invitation,"said the newt with a bow. "I am, however, unfortunately not atliberty to travel as far as..."

"We could buy you," I declared. "That isto say, the national collection might be willing to procure the meansto...

"Hearty thanks," mumbled our friend,clearly touched. "But I have heard that the water of the Vltava isnot good. You see, in river water we suffer severe diarrhoea." Thenhe considered the matter a little and added, "and I would also besorry to abandon my dear little garden."

"Oh," exclaimed my lady wife, "I am alsovery fond of gardening! I should be very grateful if you would showus something of the local flora!"

"With the greatest of pleasure, dearlady," said the newt, bowing most politely. "If, that is, it is ofno concern to you that my garden is under water."

"Under water?"

"Indeed, two hundred metres underwater."

"But how is it possible to cultivateflowers two hundred metres under water?"

"Sea anemones," our friend informed us,"including some very rare species. There are also starfish and seacucumbers, not to mention the bushes of coral. To cultivate one roseis to cultivate one's homeland, as the poet tells us."

It was necessary for us to make ourdeparture, for the ship had already given its signal. "And whatmessage do you have, Mr...." I asked, uncertain as to the name ofour dear companion.

"My name is BoleslavJablonský," the newt told us shyly. "I consider it tobe a very beautiful name, sir. I chose it myself from thisbook."

"And what message do you have, Mr.Jablonský, for us to convey back to ourpeople?"

The newt considered the matter for ashort while. "You may tell your compatriots," he said slowly, deeplymoved, "tell them...that they should always maintain the ancientdisagreements among the Slavonic peoples...that they should alwaysretain Lipany and the defeat at White Hill in their grateful memory.Farewell,..." he ended suddenly, attempting to overcome hisfeelings.

As we departed in the dinghy back to theship, full of thoughts and tender feelings, our friend stood on therocks and waved to us, and as he did so he seemed to call somethingout to us.

"What was that, he cried?" asked my ladywife.

"I do not know," I answered, "but itsounded something like, 'give my greetings to the mayor, Dr.Bax'."]

[18. In Germany in particular all vivisection wasstrictly forbidden, albeit, of course, only for Jewishresearchers.]

[19. This seems also to have affected certain ethicalmovements. Among the articles in Mr. Povondra's collection was adeclaration published in newspapers all around the world, translatedinto many different languages and even signed by the Duchess ofHuddersfield. It read:

"Women of the world, in the interests of decency and morality theLeague for the Protection of Newts calls on you to contribute yourhandiwork to our campaign to provide newts with suitable clothing.The most suitable garment would be a skirt 40 cm. long, 60 cm. at thewaist and preferably fitted with elastic. The skirt should bepleated to enable better ease of movement for the wearer. Fortropical areas, a mere apron will be adequate, fitted with the meansto fasten it at the waist, which could be made from very simpleworking materials such as some of your own discarded clothing. Inthis way you will remove the need for the unfortunate newts to workin public and in the presence of human beings without any sort ofdecent covering, which they cannot do otherwise than feel as aninsult to their dignity and which could only be a cause of unease forany decent person, especially women and mothers."

There is no indication anywhere that this call met with anysuccess; it is not known whether any newts ever chose to wear a skirtor an apron; it would probably have got in their way underwater andbeen difficult to keep up. And wherever the newts were separatedfrom human beings behind a wooden fence there would have been, ofcourse, no reason for either humans or newts to feel any shame oremotional discomfort.

The idea that the newts needed to be protected from harassment ofvarious sorts was mainly because of dogs, which never were able toget used to them and would chase the newts in a barking frenzy, evenunder water and despite the fact that if they ever bit a newt itwould leave a caustic slime in their mouths. There were even timeswhen the newts would defend themselves and more than one doughtyhound was killed with a pickaxe or crowbar. Between dogs and newtsthere developed a permanent, deadly enmity which was intensified,rather than weakened, when a physical barrier was put between them.But that is often the case, and not only between dogs. These fences,coated with tar and stretching often along hundreds and hundreds ofkilometres of coastline, were also used to teach the newts properbehaviour, and along the whole length of them they were painted withlarge letters urging the, for instance:

Your work--Your success

Value every second!

The day has only 86,400 seconds!

You're only worth as much as you work

A meter of dam can be built in 57 minutes!

The worker serves us all

Who will not work, let him not eat!

And so on. Considering that these wooden fences stretched alongmore than three hundred thousand kilometres of coastline around theworld, you can imagine how many encouraging slogans would fit ontothem and how much they were of benefit to everyone.]

[20. The first trial of a newt, that took place inDurban, was of great interest to the press all round the world (vizMr. Povondra's collection of cuttings). The port authority in A.employed a working colony of newts. In the course of time theymultiplied so much that the port soon did not have enough room forthem all; some tadpoles began to establish new colonies out on thesurrounding coastline. Part of this coastline was on the property offarmer B. and he asked the port authority to remove the newts fromhis private beach because he liked to bathe there. The portauthority refused, saying the matter was nothing to do with them asthe newts, having settled on his land, had become his privateproperty. While these protracted negotiations continued, the newts,partly from instinct and partly because of the eagerness for workthat had been inculcated in them, began, without the appropriateorders or permission, to construct a dyke and a dock on Mr. B.'sstretch of beach. At this, Mr. B. made a complaint with theappropriate office to for damage to his property. At first thecomplaint was rejected on the grounds that Mr. B.'s land, far frombeing damaged, had been enhanced by the newts' activities, but thisdecision was overturned and verdict was passed in favour of thecomplainant on the grounds that no-one should have to tolerate aneighbour's domesticated animals on his land. The port authority inA. was held responsible for all the damage caused by the newts justas a farmer would be held responsible for damage caused to aneighbour by his cattle. The port authority, of course, objectedthat it could not be held responsible for the newts because in thesea they could not be fenced in. The neighbour declared that in hisview the damage caused by the newts should be seen in the same way asdamage caused by chickens which likewise could not be fenced inbecause they were able to fly. Counsel for the port authority askedhow his client was expected to remove the newts or force them toleave Mr. B.'s private beach. The judge answered that that was noconcern of the court. Counsel asked whether it would be acceptableto the honourable judge if the port authority had these undesirablenewts shot. The judge answered that as an Englishman and a gentlemanhe would consider that highly inappropriate as well as a violation ofMr. B.'s hunting rights. The port authority was therefore requiredto remove the newts from the complainant's private property, toremove the damage caused by the newts' having constructed dams andwaterworks there and to restore that stretch of beach to its originalstate. Counsel for the defendant asked whether his client would beallowed to use salamanders for this demolition work. The judgereplied that this would certainly not be allowed unless thecomplainant gave his permission, which was in doubt because thecomplainants' wife found the newts repellent and was unable to batheon a beach infested with newts. The port authority objected thatwithout newts it would not be possible to remove the waterworksconstructed below the waterline. At this, the judge declared that itwas no matter of the court to make decisions on technical details andhad no wish to do so; courts were there to protect private property,not to decide what was feasible and what not.

In this way the matter was brought to itsend. It is not known how the port authority in A. got round thisdifficult problem; but the whole matter goes to show that the newtproblem will need to be regulated with new judicial provisions thataddress it directly.]

[21. There were some who took the matter of equalrights for newts literally, and asked that salamanders be allowed toestablish government offices under water and on land (J. Courtaud);or that they should form fully armed underwater regiments with theirown underwater commander (General M. S. Desfours); or even that mixedmarriages between newts and humans should be allowed (Louis Pierrot,avocat). scientists objected that marriages of this sort would notbe possible; but Mister Pierrot declared that it was not a matter ofnatural possibilities but of a legal principle and that he himselfwould be willing to take a newt female for his wife in order to showthat this reform of the legal principle of marriage need not remainmerely on paper. (Later in his career, Mister Pierrot became ahighly sought after divorce lawyer.)

At this point it is worth mentioning thatthe press, especially in the United States, would occasionallypublish reports of girls who had been raped by a newt while bathing.As a result, the number of cases in America where a newt was capturedand lynched or burned alive multiplied rapidly. Scientists cameforward to protest at this folk custom, insisting that it theiranatomy made it physically impossible for any newt to commit a crimeof this sort, but their words were in vain; too many girls had swornthat they had been assaulted by a newt and so for any regularAmerican the matter was clear. Later on at least, the sport ofburning a newt alive was only allowed to take place on a Saturday andunder the supervision of the fire brigade. The Society for thePrevention of the Lynching of Newts was established under theleadership of the Reverend Robert J. Washington and counted hundredsof thousands of members, of whom almost all were mere negroes,including the Reverend Washington. The American press began tomaintain that this was a political movement with the intention ofoverturning the government; as a result the areas inhabited bynegroes came under attack and many of them were themselves burnedalive, especially those who prayed for Brother Newt in theirchurches. The climax of indignation against negroes reached its peakwhen a black church in Gordonville (L.) was burned down and the firespread to the whole of the city. (But this is only incidental to thestory of the newts.)

We can at least list a few of theadvantages that the newts really did receive; each salamander waslisted in a registry of newts with the place where he worked; it wasrequired to obtain an official residence permit; it had to pay incometax which, as the newts received no wages as money, was paid by itsowner who would then deduct it from the newt's food; it was likewiserequired to pay rent for the coastline where it lived, local tax andcontribute to the erection and upkeep of the wooden fences; schooltaxes and other public costs; in short, we have to admit that thenewts, in this respect, were treated no differently than any othercitizen and in this way enjoy full equality.]

[22. Viz encyclical from the holy father, MirabiliaDei Opera.]

[23. There were so many publications on this subjectthat simply to list them would occupy two large volumes.]

[24. The papers in Mr. Povondra's collection includeda highly pornographic brochure which, according to police reports,had been published in B***. It is not possible to quote the contentsof this "private publication, issued in the interests of scientificknowledge" in any respectable book. Instead we will merely cite afew of its details:

The temple of the salamander cult, to be found at number *** in*** Street, has, at its centre, a large pool panelled with dark redmarble. The water in the pool is perfumed with fragrant essences,warmed, and illuminated from below with continuously changingcoloured lights; all else in the temple is darkness. At the chant ofthe newt liturgy, the entirely naked followers of the cult step intothe rainbow coloured pool down marble steps, men on one side, womenon the other. Many of its adherents belong to the highest society,such as Baroness M., S., the film star, D., the member of parliament,and many other outstanding personalities. Suddenly, a blue lightshines on an enormous marble block that emerges from the water and onwhich there is an ancient black newt, lying at rest but breathingheavily. This is Master Salamander. There is a period of silence,and then Master Salamander begins to speak; he calls on the faithfulto devote themselves and with all their souls to the forthcomingceremonies of the salamander dance and to revere the GreatSalamander. Then he raises himself and begins to sway and vigorouslytwist the upper half of his body. The male members of the faithful,immersed up to their necks in water, begin also to twist and swing ina frenzy that becomes faster and faster in order, so they say, tocreate the sexual medium while to salamanders utter loud ts-ts-ts andraucous croaking. Then the coloured lights under the water go outone after another and the orgy begins.

We cannot be sure that this description is entirely reliable, butit is certain that the police in al the major cities of Europe notonly spent large resources on persecuting these salamander sects butalso spent large resources on covering up the enormous scandalsassociated with them. It seems that although the cult of thesalamander was very widespread its ceremonies did not always takeplace in the fairy tale splendour described here and that, among thelower classes, they took place on dry land.]

[25. The Catholic prayers mentioned above also definedthe newts as a kind of Dei Creatura de gente Molche (Creatures of Godin the Nation of Newts).]

[26. The declaration, preserved among Mr. Povondra'spapers, went as follows:

COMRADES NEWTS!

The capitalist world order has found its latest victim. When theproletariat, newly aware of class consciousness, made the putrescenttyranny of capitalism shake in fear of revolution, the exploitershad

to find a new servant to bend to its needs and took you, Workersof the Sea, to be the new slaves of bourgeois civilisation, took yourspirit, subjected you to repressive laws, took away any freedom youever had and did all in its power for you to be exploited by itsfriends with impunity.

(14 lines missing)

Working newts! The time is coming when you will be aware of theburden of slavery to which you are subject

(7 lines missing)

and claim your rights as a class and as a nation!

Comrades newts! The revolutionary proletariat of the worldreaches out to you

(11 lines missing)

with all means available. Establish trades unions, choose shopstewards, establish a strike fund! Remember that the enlightenedworkers will not let you down in your rightful struggle, and hand inhand with you will mount the final assault

(9 lines missing)

Oppressed and revolutionary newts of the world, unite! The finalbattle has begun.

Signed:Molokov]

[27. We were able to find only a few declarations ofthis sort in Mr. Povondra's collection; the others were probablyburned over the years by Mrs. Povondra. Of the remaining material,we can at least cite a few titles:

Newts, throw down your arms! (Pacifist manifesto)

Newts, throw the Jews out! (German flysheet)

Comrades Newts! (Anarchist-Bakuninists)

Comrades Newts! (Sea scouts)

Newts, our friends! (Public address by the Union of Aquarists' andMarine Life Cultivators' Societies)

Our friends, the Newts! (Society for Moral Regeneration)

Citizens Newts! (Citizens' Reform Society, Dieppe)

Newts, our colleagues, come and join our ranks! (Society for theSupport of Former Seamen)

Our colleagues, Newts! (Aegir Sailing Club)

One of these declarations had been carefully glued in place by Mr.Povondra and seems therefore to have been especially important. Wetherefore quote it here in full:

]

[28. In Mr. Povondra's collection we found alightweight, rather superficial description of this celebration,although, unfortunately, only the first half. The second half seemsto have become lost.

Nice, 6th May. There's lively activity today in the light andcharming offices of the Institute for Mediterranean Studies on thePromenade des Anglais; two agents de police are holding the clear forinvited guests to stride up the red carpet into the welcoming andpleasantly cool amphitheater. There's the smiling mayor of Nicethere and the local prefect in his top hat, there's a general in hislight blue uniform and gentlemen wearing the red button of the Leagueof Honor, ladies of a certain age (terracotta seems to be thefashionable color this season), vice-admirals, journalists,professors and elderly celebrities from all round the world such asyou find on the Côted'Azur at any time of year. Suddenlysomething happens to disturb this honorable assembly when a strangelittle creature appears and tries to make its way unseen among them;it's covered from head to foot in some kind of long black cowl orcape, its eyes are covered with enormous dark glasses, and suddenlyand unsure of itself it tries to enter the crowded vestibule."Hé, vous," shouts a policeman,"qu'est-ce que vous cherchez ici?" But then one of the distinguisheduniversity staff appears beside the startled figure and then it'sthis way, cher docteur, as you please, cher docteur. This is Dr.Charles Mercier, an educated newt who, today, is due to give alecture to all the best people on the Côted'Azur! Let us hurry inside to find a seat in the excitedauditorium!

On the podium sit Monsieur le Maire, Monsieur Paul Mallory thegreat poet, Mme. Maria Dimineanu on behalf of the InternationalInstitute for Intellectual Co-operation, the rector of the Institutefor Mediterranean Studies, and other official figures; to one side ofthe podium there's a lectern, and beside it...yes folks, thatreally is a tin bathtub I can see there, a perfectly ordinary tinbathtub such as you might have in your own bathroom. Two portersaccompany the timid figure, concealed beneath his long cape, onto thepodium, and the applause from the audience seems somewhatill-at-ease. Dr. Charles Mercier bows shyly and looks round,uncertain as to where he is to be seated. "Voilá,Monsieur," whispers one of the porters, pointing out the tinbathtub. "That's for you, sir." It's obvious that Dr. Mercier feelshighly embarrassed and is uncertain how he's to turn down suchattentiveness by his hosts; he tries his best to sit down in the tubwithout drawing attention to the situation but his long cape getscaught up in his feet and fall down into the tub with a loud splashthat soaks all these gentlemen on the podium who, needless to say,pretend that nothing at all has happened; somebody in the audiencebegins to laugh hysterically, but the people in the front row lookround and admonish him with a loud 'shh!'. Then Monsieur le Maireet Député stands up and begins to speak.Ladies and gentlemen, he says, it is my honor to welcome to thebeautiful city of Nice Doctor Charles Mercier, the outstandingscientist among our near neighbors who lie in the depths of the sea.(Dr. Mercier stands up in the water and gives the audience a deepbow.) This is the first time in the history of civilization thatland and sea have worked hand in hand in intellectual pursuits.Until now, there was a clear boundary that our spiritual lives werenot able to cross; that was the oceans that surround us. We wereable to sail across them, we were able to plough our way through thewaves in our boats in any direction we wanted; but, ladies andgentlemen, it was not possible for civilization to penetrate beneathits surface. The sea that surrounds the little pieces of landoccupied by mankind has always, until now, been something wild andunknown; at same time as it offered us astonishing possibilities ithas always kept us away; on the one had we saw the rise ofcivilization and on the other we saw nature, eternal and neverchanging. The barriers created for us by the oceans, dear listeners,are now falling away. (Applause) It is to us, the children of thisgreat age we live in, that comes the great fortune to beeye-witnesses to the process of our spiritual home expanding, to seeit burst out from its own shores and enter the waves of the sea, toconquer the depths of the sea and combine the ancient knowledge ofthe oceans with the modernity of civilization. That is an inspiringprospect! (Bravo!) Ladies and gentlemen, it is now that, for thefirst time ever, the culture of the oceans has appeared and here withus today we have its most eminent representative whom we have thehonor to welcome here among us. Our planet has become a planet thatis truly and wholly civilized. (Enthusiastic applause. Dr. Mercier,in the bathtub, stands and bows.)

Monsieur le Maire and Député then turnedto Dr. Mercier, who was supporting himself on the edge of thebathtub, deeply touched and sucking hard on his gills; My deardoctor, as a great scientist you will be able to convey our bestwishes to your friends and compatriots on the seabed, to tell themhow we admire them and sympathise with them. We send our greetingsto those at the forefront of progress and knowledge, a forefrontwhich, step by step, will colonise the endless expanses of the seaand create a new world of culture on the seabed. I can already seethe rise of a new Athens, a new Rome in the depths of the oceans, theefflorescence of a new Paris with an underwater Louvre and anunderwater Sorbonne with an underwater Arc de Triomphe and anunderwater War Memorial, with underwater theaters and underwaterboulevards. Allow me to express one of my most secret thoughts: itis my fondest hope that in the blue waves of the Mediterranean, justhere off the shore of our city, there will be a new Nice, a gloriousNice that will be your Nice with her own majestic avenues under thesea, her own meadows and promenades alongside our Côted'Azur. We welcome you, and look forward to a deeper acquaintance; Iam personally convinced that closer social and scientific contactsbetween us, making such an auspicious beginning here today, will leadour nations to ever closer cultural and political co-operation in theinterests of all of mankind, world peace, prosperity and progress.(Long applause).

Now, Dr. Charles Mercier stands up anddoes his best to thank the mayor and representative of Nice; but heseems to be too touched by the occasion, or else his pronounciationis rather too strange for us to understand; all that I could catchfrom what he said with such difficulty was a few words; if I am notmistaken they were "great honor", "cultural contacts" and "VictorHugo". Then, clearly overwhelmed by the experience, he hid himselfback in the bathtub.

After this it was the turn of PaulMallory to speak, but what he said was not so much a speech as ananthem, lit with the poetry of deep philosophy. I thank my fate, hesaid, that I have lived to see one of mankind's most beautiful mythsfulfilled and confirmed in such a strange way. Instead of themythical Atlantis sinking under the waves we have the astonishingsight of a new Atlantis emerging from the deep. Doctor Mercier, youare a poet of geometry, you, along with your learned colleagues, arethe first ambassadors from this new world from the sea, not Aphroditeborn of the foam but Pallas Anadyomene. Strangest of all though, ofa mystery incomparable with...

(end missing)]

[29. Among Mr. Povondra's papers was a rather unclearnewspaper photograph showing both newt delegates going up the stepsonto the Quai du Mont Blanc on Lake Geneva to take their places atthe commission. Lake Leman seems to have been their officialaccommodation.

The Commission for the Study ofthe Newt Question achieved a great and useful function, mainly bysettling all difficult questions in politics and economics. It wasin permanent session for many years and met on more than thirtyoccasions, diligently concerned with unifying the internationalterminology for newts which, up till then, had been in hopelesschaos. Besides the scientific terms of 'salamander', 'newt','batrachus' and so on, which had begun to take on a ratherdisrespectful character, there were many other different namessuggested. the newts could be referred to as 'tritons', 'neptunids','bathyds', 'Abyssals', 'hydrions', 'gens de mer', 'soumarins' and soon. It the task of the commission to select the most suitable name,and it was vigorously active in this affair right up to the end ofthe newt age; although it never did arrive at any final andunambiguous conclusion.]

[30. Mr. Povondra also included two or three articlesto do with national politics in his collection. These were aboutmodern youth, and were probably only by mistake that he thought theywere about the civilisation of the newts.]

[31. One gentleman from the north of Prague told Mr.Povondra about the time he was bathing off the beach at Katwijk aanZee. He had swum far out into the sea when the lifeguard called outto him, saying he should return to the beach. The gentlemanconcerned paid no attention and swam further out; then the lifeguardjumped into his boat and paddled out after him. "Swimming isn'tallowed here, you know," he said to him.

"Why on Earth not?" the gentleman asked.

"There are newts here."

"I'm not afraid of newts," he objected.

"They have some kind of factory or something under the water," thelifeguard admonished. "Nobody is allowed to bathe here."

"But why not?"

"The newts don't like it."]

[32. This suggestion was clearly to do with largescale political propaganda, and thanks to Mr. Povondra's collectionwe have it here at hand. It read:

]

Chapter 1

MASSACRE ON THE COCONUT ISLES

In one thing, Mr. Povondra was mistaken: the shots exchanged atKankesanturai were not the first conflict between people and newts.The first known skirmish had taken place some years before on theCoconut Isles in the golden age of pirate raids on the salamanders;but even that was not the oldest incident of this sort and in theports of the Pacific Ocean there was much talk about certainregrettable cases when newts had offered any kind of resistance,sometimes even to the normal S-Trade; although petty incidents suchas these are not written about in the history books.

On the Coconut Isles, or Keeling Isles, this is what happened: TheMontrose, a raiding ship operated by Harriman's Pacific Trade Companyand under the captaincy of James Lindley, sailed in for one of itsusual newt gathering expeditions of the sort known as a MacaroniRun. The Coconut Isles were well known for a bay with a large newtpopulation settled there by Captain van Toch himself but which,because of its remoteness, was left, as they say, to its owndevices. No-one could accuse Captain Lindley of any lack of care andattention, not even in that the men who went on shore were notarmed. (At that time the trade in hunting newts had already taken ona standard form; it is true, of course, that the pirate ships hadearlier used to equip themselves with machine guns and even lightcannons, although they were not intended for use against the newtsbut against unfair competition from other pirates. One day however,off the island of Karakelong, one of Harrimans steamers came upagainst a Danish ship whose captain considered the hunting grounds ofKarakelong as his territory; so the two sides settled some oldaccounts to do with their prestige and some trading disputes byleaving the newts alone and starting to fire at each other with theirrifles and Hotchkiss guns; on land, victory went to the Danes aftertheir successful knife attack but the Harriman ship then had itssuccess by firing its cannons at the Danish ship and sinking it withall hands, including Captain Nielsen. This became known as theKarakelong Incident. So then governments and officials of therelevant countries had to become involved; pirate ships were fromthen on forbidden to use cannons, machine guns or hand grenades; thecompanies involved also allocated what they called the free huntingground among themselves so that any one newt settlement would onlyever be visited by a certain raiding ship; this gentleman's agreementamong the great pirates was adhered to and respected even by thesmallest raiding businesses.) But to return to Captain Lindley, heconducted himself entirely in accordance with commercial and marinepractices of the time when he sent his men out to gather newts armedonly with sticks and oars, and the later official enquiry gave thedead captain full satisfaction in that respect.

The men who went down to the Coconut Isles that moonlit night wereunder the command of Lieutenant Eddie McCarth, who was alreadyexperienced in this sort of newt-gathering expedition. It is truethat the herd of newts they found on the shore was exceptionallylarge, estimated at between six and seven hundred strong and fullygrown males, whereas Lieutenant McCarth had only sixteen men at hiscommand; but it cannot be said that he failed to do his duty, partlybecause the officers and ratings on the pirate ships were paid, itwas said, according to how many newts they captured. In the ensuingenquiry by the marine authorities it was found that "althoughLieutenant McCarth is responsible for this unhappy incident it isquite clear that no-one else would have acted differently under thecircumstances". The unfortunate young officer had, in fact, shownremarkable prudence in that instead of slowly surrounding the newts,which, given their numbers, could not have been fully achieved, heordered a sudden attack with the intention of cutting the newts offfrom the sea, forcing them inland and stunning them one by one with ablow to the head with a club or an oar. Unfortunately, when theattack took place the sailors were separated from each other andnearly two hundred salamanders escaped into the water. While theattacking men were processing those newts which had been preventedfrom reaching the sea they began to hear shots behind themselves fromshark guns; no-one had any idea that these wild and natural newts onthe Keeling Isles were equipped with weapons against sharks andno-one ever found out who had given them to them.

One of the deck hands, Michael Kelly, who had survived the wholecatastrophe, said: "When we heard the first shots we thought it mustbe some other ship that had come to hunt for newts like we had.Lieutenant McCarth turned round quick and shouted, 'What are youdoing, you fools, this is the crew of the Montrose here!' Then hewas hit in the side, but he still pulled out his revolver and startedshooting. Then he got a second shot in the neck and he fell. Thenwe saw for the first time that it was the newts firing at us andtrying to cut us off from the sea. Then Long Steve raised his oarand rushed out at the newts shouting Montrose! Montrose! so we allstarted shouting Montrose! and thumping at these horrors with oars orwhatever we could. There was about five of us left lying there, butthe rest of us fought our way down to the water. Long Steve jumpedin and waded out to the boat; but when he got there some of the newtsgrabbed hold of him and pulled him down under the water. Theydrowned Charlie and all; he shouted to us Lads, Jesus Christ lads,don't let them get me, but there was nothing we could do. Thosevermin were shooting us in the back; Bodkin turned round and he gotit in the belly, all he said was Oh no! and he fell. So we all triedto get back inland to the interior of the island; wed already brokenall our oars and sticks on these monsters, so all we did was run likerabbits. By then, there was only the four of us left. We didn'tdare go any further away from the shore in case we couldn't get backon board ship; we hid behind some stones and bushes and had to lookon while the newts finished off our mates. Drowned them in the waterlike kittens, they did, and if anyone still tried to swim they gavehim one on the head with a crowbar. It was only then I saw I had atwisted ankle and couldn't run any further."

Captain James Lindley, who had remained on board the Montrose,must have heard the gunfire from the island; whether he thought therewas some trouble with the natives or that there were some other newttraders there, he simply took the cook and two of the stokers who hadstayed on board, had the machine gun (which was clearly hidden on theship despite being strictly forbidden) put on the remaining boat, andwent out to help his crewmen. He was careful not to set foot on theshore; he merely went close in the boat with the machine gun ready onits prow and stood there with folded arms for all to see. Let usallow Mister Kelly to explain further.

"We didn't want to call out to the captain so that the newtswouldn't find us. Mister Lindley stood in the boat with his armsfolded and called out, What's going on here? Then the newts turnedround to look at him. There was a couple of hundred of them on theshore, and more and more of them kept swimming up from the sea andsurrounded the boat. What's going on here? the captain asked, andthen a big newt went up close to him and said, Go back! The captainjust looked at him, he didn't say anything for a while and then heasked, Are you a newt?

We are newts, said this newt. Now please, go back!

I want to see what you've been doing with my men, said the oldman. You should not have attacked us, said the newt. You will now,please, go back to your ship! The captain didn't say anything againfor a while, and then he calmly said,

Alright Jenkins, fire! And Stoker Jenkins started firing at thenewts with the machine gun."

(Later, at the official enquiry, the affair was described in thesewords: In this respect, Captain James Lindley did no more than we areentitled to expect from a British seaman.)

"All the newts were together in a group," Kelly's testimonycontinued, "and so they fell like corn in a field. Some of them shotat Mr. Lindley with those guns of theirs, but he stood there with hisarms folded and didn't even move. Just then a black newt came out ofthe water just behind the boat, and it had something in its pawsomething like a tin can, with its other paw it pulled something outof it and threw it into the water under the boat. After about fiveseconds there was a column of water came up and there was a loudbang, but sort of muffled sounding, and we could feel how it made theground shake under our feet."

(From Kelly's description, the official enquiry concluded that thenewts had used an explosive known as W3, supplied to them forremoving rock from under the water at the fortification works inSingapore, but it remained a mystery how it came into the hands ofthe newts on the Coconut Isles. There were some who surmised thatthe explosives were given them by people, others supposed the newtsthemselves must already have had some long distance communications.Public opinion clamoured for a ban on giving the newts such dangerousexplosives; however the appropriate office declared that there wasstill no other explosive that was as "highly effective and relativelysafe" as W3, and that's how things were left.)

"The boat flew up into the air," Kelly's testimony continued," andwas ripped to pieces. All the newts, the ones that were still alive,rushed up to the place. We couldn't really see whether Mr. Lindleywas dead or alive; but all three of my shipmates--Donovan, Burke andKennedy--jumped up and went to help him so that he wouldn't fallinto the hands of those newts. I wanted to run up as well but I hadthat twisted ankle so I sat where I was and pulled on my foot withboth hands to try and get the bones in the right place. So I don'tknow what happened next, but when I looked up there was Kennedy lyingthere face down in the sand and there was no sign at all of Donovanor Burke; there was just still something going on in the water."

Kelly then escaped deeper into the island until he found a nativevillage; but the natives behaved strangely towards him and wereunwilling even to offer him shelter; perhaps they were afraid of thenewts. It was only seven weeks later that the Montrose was found,entirely plundered and abandoned, at anchor off the Coconut Isles bya fishing boat which rescued Kelly.

Some weeks later, a British gunboat, HMS Fireball, sailed to theCoconut Isles and spent the night waiting at anchor. It was onceagain full moon, and the newts came out of the sea, took up theirplaces in a circle on the sand and began their ceremonial dance.Then His Majesty's Ship fired its first rounds of grapeshot intothem. Those newts that weren't cut to pieces immediately stiffenedand then fled into the water; that was when the six cannons thunderedout their terrible salvo and the only newts left were the few thatstill crawled towards the water on their broken limbs. Then therewas another salvo from the cannons, and then a third.

When that had ended, HMS Fireball withdrew to half a mile offshoreand began to fire into the water as it slowly sailed up and down thecoast. This lasted six hours and used about eight hundred rounds ofammunition. Then the Fireball sailed away. Over the following twodays, the whole of the sea around the Keeling Isles was covered withthe dismembered remains of thousands and thousands of newts.

That same night a battleship from Holland, the Van Dijck, firedthree rounds into a colony of newts on the island of Goenong Api; theJapanese cruiser Hakodate shot three grenades onto the little newtisland of Ailinglaplap; the French gunboat, Bechamel, disrupted thenewts dance on the island of Rawaiwai with three shots. This was awarning to the newts. It was not in vain; there was no furtherincident anywhere comparable with the Keeling Killing, and the tradein newts, both organised and freelance, was able to flourish withoutdisturbance and with official blessing.

Chapter 2

SKIRMISH IN NORMANDY

A conflict that took place in Normandy somewhat later had a quitedifferent character. The newts there, most of whom worked inCherbourg and lived on the surrounding beaches, had become very fondof apples. Their employers, though, were unwilling to provide themwith anything but the usual newt food (they said it would raiseconstruction costs above the projected budget) and so the newts beganto undertake scrumping raids in the nearby orchards. The land ownerscomplained about it to the prefecture and the newts were strictlyforbidden to go anywhere on the beach outside the designated newtarea, but this was of no help; the orchards continued to suffersteady losses, eggs seemed to disappear from the chicken coops, andevery morning more and more guard dogs were found dead. So thevillagers began to guard their orchards themselves, armed withancient shotguns, and shot the poaching newts. It would haveremained just a local matter; but the people of Normandy were alsoannoyed that their taxes had been raised and the price of ammunitionhad gone up, so they developed a deadly malice towards the newts andundertook raids against them in heavily armed gangs. When they hadshot a large number of newts even while they were at work, the newt'semployers complained to the prefecture and the prefect ordered thatthe villagers should have their rusty old guns taken away. Thevillagers of course resisted, and there were unpleasant conflictsbetween them and the gendarmes; the stubborn Normans were no longerjust shooting at the newts but also, now, at the police.Reinforcements were sent out to Normandy and carried out a house tohouse search.

It was just about at this time that there was a very unpleasantincident near Coutances: a group of local lads attacked a newt who,they claimed, had been acting suspiciously near a hen coop. Theysurrounded him with his back against the wall of a barn and began tothrow bricks at him. The injured salamander raised his hand andthrew down something that looked like an egg; there was an explosionwhich ripped not only the newt to pieces but also three of the lads:eleven year old Pierre Cajus, sixteen year old MarcelBérard and fifteen year old Louis Kermadec; and therewere also five other children seriously injured to varying degrees.The news quickly spread throughout the region; about seven hundredpeople came in buses from all around and attacked the newt colony inthe bay of Basse Coutances, armed with shotguns, pitchforks andflails. Around twenty newts were killed before the police were ableto subdue the angry crowd. Sappers called in from Cherbourgsurrounded the bay with barbed wire; but that night the salamanderscame out of the sea, destroyed the barbed wire fences with handgrenades and tried to make their way inland. Several companies ofsoldiers with machine guns were quickly brought in on lorries and achain of troops was used to try and keep the newts separate frompeople. Meanwhile, the people were attacking the finance offices andpolice stations and one unpopular tax inspector was hanged on alamppost with a placard saying: Away with the Newts! The newspapers,especially those in Germany, talked about a revolution in Normandy;although the government in Paris issued vehement denials.

While the bloody skirmishes between people and newts spread alongthe coast of Calvados into Picardy and Pas de Calais, the ageingFrench cruiser, Jules Flambeau, sailed out of Cherbourg towards thewestern coast of Normandy; it was later found that the cruiser wasonly intended to calm and reassure the local inhabitants and thenewts. The Jules Flambeau dropped anchor a mile and a half from thebay of Basse Coutances; when night came, in order to create astronger impression, the captain order coloured rockets to be setoff. This beautiful spectacle was watched by a large number ofpeople on the shore; suddenly there was a hissing noise and anenormous column of water rose at the bow of the ship; it keeled overand there was a terrible explosion. It was clear that the cruiserwas sinking; within a quarter of an hour motor boats had come outfrom the nearby ports to offer help but they were not needed; apartfrom three men killed in the explosion itself the whole crew wassaved and the Jules Flambeau went down five minutes later, itscaptain being the last to leave the ship with the memorable words,"There's nothing we can do".

The official report, issued that same night, announced that the"ageing cruiser, the Jules Flambeau, which was anyway to be withdrawnfrom service within a few weeks from now, hit rocks while sailing bynight and, with its boiler exploding, sank", but the press were notso easily satisfied; while the government influenced press maintainedthat the ship had hit a recently laid German mine, the opposition andforeign press carried headlines such as:

FRENCH CRUISER TORPEDOED by newts!

MYSTERIOUS EVENTS off the coast of Normandy

NEWTS IN REVOLT!

"We call to account," wrote one French member of parliament in hispaper, "those who gave arms to the newts that they could use againstpeople; who put bombs in their paws so that they could kill Frenchvillagers and children as they play; who gave these monstrositiesfrom the sea the most modern torpedoes so that they could sink Frenchshipping whenever they want. Let us call them to account, I say: letthem be indicted for murder, let them be dragged before a militarytribunal for treason, let them be investigated for us to learn howmuch they profited from supplying the rabble of the oceans with theweapons to attack civilisation!" And so on; there was simply ageneral consternation, people gathered on the streets and began tobuild barricades; Senegalese riflemen, their guns stacked inpyramids, were stationed on the boulevards of Paris, and waiting inthe suburbs were tanks and armoured cars. This was when the ministerfor marine affairs, Monsieur François Ponceau, stood inparliament, pale but decisive, and declared: The government acceptsthe responsibility for having equipped newts on French territory withguns, underwater machine guns, and torpedoes. French newts, however,are equipped only with light, small calibre cannons; Germansalamanders are armed with 32cm. underwater mortars. On Frenchcoasts there is only one underwater arsenal of hand grenades,torpedoes and explosives every twenty-four kilometres on average, onItalian coasts there are deep-water depots of armaments every twentykilometres and in German waters every eighteen kilometres. Francecannot leave her shores unprotected and will not do so. It is notpossible for France to simply stop arming her newts. the ministerwould issue instructions for the most thorough investigationspossible to discover who is guilty for the fatal misunderstanding onthe Normandy coast; it seems that the newts saw the coloured rocketsas a signal for military action and wished to defend themselves. Thecaptain of the Jules Flambeau and the prefect of Cherbourg were bothremoved from their positions; a special commission was set up toascertain how businesses involved in water works treated their newtswith the expectation that that they would come under strictsupervision in future. The government deeply regretted the loss ofhuman lives; Pierre Cajus, Marcel Bérard and LouisKermadec would be decorated as national heroes, buried at governmentexpense and their parents rewarded with a large sum of money.Substantial changes were made at the highest level to the way Frenchshipping was managed. The government put a motion of no-confidencein the National Assembly, to be settled when more information wasavailable, and the cabinet announced that it would remain inpermanent session.

The newspapers, according to their political colour, urgedpunishment, eradication, colonisation or a crusade against the newts,a general strike, resignation of the government, the arrest of newtowners, the arrest of communist leaders and agitators and many otherprotective measures of this sort. People began frantically tostockpile food when rumours of the shores and ports being closed offbegan to spread, and the prices of goods of every sort soared; riotscaused by rising prices broke out in the industrial cities; the stockexchange was closed for three days. It was simply the more worryingand dangerous than it had been at any time over the previous three orfour months. But this was when the minister for agriculture,Monsieur Monti, stepped dexterously in. He gave orders that severalhundred loads of apples for the newts should be discharged into thesea twice a week along the French coasts, at government cost, ofcourse. This measure was remarkably successful in pacifying both thenewts and the villagers in Normandy and elsewhere. But MonsieurMonti went even further: there had long been deep and seriousdisturbances in the wine-growing regions, resulting from a lack ofturnover, so he ordered that the state should provide each newt witha half litre of white wine per day. At first the newts did not knowwhat to do with this wine because it caused them serious diarrhoeaand they poured it into the sea; but with a little time they clearlybecame used to it, and it was noticed that from then on the newtswould show a lot more enthusiasm for sex, although with lowerfertility rates than before. In this way, problems to do with thenewts and with agriculture were solved in one stroke; fear andtension were assuaged, and, in short, the next time there was anothergovernment crisis, caused by the financial scandal around MadameTöppler, the clever and well proven Monsieur Montibecame the minister for marine affairs in the new cabinet.

Chapter 3

INCIDENT IN THE ENGLISH CHANNEL

Not long afterwards, a Belgian ferry, the Oudenbourg, was steamingits way from Ostende to Ramsgate. In the straits of Dover the dutyofficer noticed that half a mile south of its usual course there wassomething going on in the water. He could not be sure that there wasno-one drowning there and so he ordered a change of course down towhere the perturbance was taking place. Two hundred passengers onthe windward side of the ship were shown a very strange spectacle: insome places a vertical jet of water shot out from the surface, and insome of those vertical jets there could be seen something like ablack body thrown up with it; the surface of the sea for one or twohundred yards all around was tossing and seething wildly while, fromthe depths, a loud rattling and humming could be heard. "It was asif there was a small volcano erupting under the sea." As theOudenbourg slowly approached the place an enormous wave rose aboutten yards ahead of it and a terrible noise thundered out like anexplosion. The entire ship was lifted violently and the deck wasshowered with a rain of water that was nearly boiling hot; andlanding on the deck with the water was a strong black body whichwrithed and let out a sharp loud scream; it was a newt that had beeninjured and burnt. The captain ordered the ship full steam astern sothat the ship would not steam straight into the middle of thisturbulent Hell; but the water all around had also begun to erupt andthe surface of the sea was strewn with pieces of dismembered newts.The ship was finally able to turn around and it fled northwards asfast as possible. Then there was a terrible explosion about sixhundred yards to the stern and a gigantic column of water and steam,perhaps a hundred yards high, shot out of the sea. The Oudenbourgset course for Harwich and sent out a radio warning in alldirections: "Attention all shipping, attention all shipping! Severedanger on Ostende-Ramsgate lane. Underwater explosion. Causeunknown. All shipping advised avoid area!" All this time the seawas thundering and boiling, almost as if military manoeuvres had beentaking place under the water; but apart from the erupting water andsteam there was nothing to see. From both Dover and Calais,destroyers and torpedo boats set out at full steam and squadrons ofmilitary aircraft flew to the site of the disturbance; but by thetime they got there all they found was that the surface wasdiscoloured with something like a yellow mud and covered withstartled fish and newts that had been torn to pieces. At first itwas thought that a mine in the channel must have exploded; but oncethe shores on both sides of the Straits of Dover had been ringed offwith a chain of soldiers and the English prime-minister had, for thefourth time in the history of the world, interrupted his Saturdayevening and hurried back to London, there were those who thought theincident must be of extremely serious international importance. Thepapers carried some highly alarming rumours, but, oddly enough, thistime remained far from the truth; nobody had any idea that Europe,and the whole world with it, stood for a few days on the brink of amajor war. It was only several years later that a member of the thenBritish cabinet, Sir Thomas Mulberry, failed to be re-elected in ageneral election and published his memoirs setting out just what hadactually happened; but by then, though, nobody was interested.

This, in short, is what happened: Both England and France hadbegun constructing underwater fortresses for the newts in the EnglishChannel. By means of these fortresses it would have been possible,in case of war, to close it off to shipping entirely. Then, ofcourse, both great powers accused the other of having started itfirst; but in all probability both sides began fortification at thesame time in the fear that the friendly neighbour across the channelmight get there before they did. In short, two enormous concretefortresses armed with heavy cannons, torpedoes, extensive minefieldsand all that modern weapon technology could give them, had beengrowing steadily under the surface of the Straits of Dover; on theEnglish side this terrible fortress of the deep was operated by twodivisions of heavy newts and around thirty thousand workingsalamanders, on the French side there were three divisions of firstclass warrior newts. It seems that on the critical day, a workingcolony of British newts came across French salamanders on the seabedin the middle of the strait and some kind of misunderstandingdeveloped. The French insisted that their newts had been workingpeacefully when they were attacked by the British who wanted to repelthem, that British armed newts had tried to abduct some French newtswho, of course, had defended themselves. At this, British militarysalamanders began firing into French labouring newts with handgrenades and mortars so that the French newts were forced to usesimilar weapons. The government of France felt compelled to requirefull satisfaction from His Britannic Majesty's government andcomplete withdrawal from the disputed area of the seabed in order toensure that no similar incident would occur again in the future.

On the other hand, the British government sent a special note tothe government of the French Republic informing them that Frenchmilitarised newts had entered the English half of the channel andwere about to lay down mines there. The British newts pointed outthat they were in their working area; at which the Frenchsalamanders, armed to the teeth, responded by throwing hand grenadeswhich killed several working newts on the British side. It was withregret that His Majesty's Government felt obliged to require fullsatisfaction from the government of the French Republic and theassurance that French military newts would never again enter theBritish side of the English Channel.

At this the French government declared that it could no longertolerate having a neighbouring state building underwaterfortifications in immediate proximity to the French coast. As far asa misunderstanding on the bed of the English Channel was concernedthe republic suggested that, in accordance with the LondonConvention, the dispute be presented to the international court inThe Hague. The British government replied that it could not andwould not subject the security of British coasts to decisions made byany external body. As victims of the French attack they once againrequired, and with all possible emphasis, an apology, payment fordamages and a guarantee for the future. British shipping stationedat Malta steamed westward at full speed; the Atlantic fleet was givenorders to assemble at Portsmouth and Yarmouth.

The French government ordered the mobilisation of its navalreserve.

It now seemed that neither side could give way; it clearly meantafter all nothing less than mastery over the entire channel. At thiscritical moment Sir Thomas Mulberry discovered the surprising factthat there actually were no working newts or military newts operatingon the English side, or at least not officially, as the British Isleswere still bound by Sir Samuel Mandeville's prohibition on anysalamander working on British coasts or surface waters. This meantthat the British government could not officially maintain that Frenchnewts had attacked any English newts; the whole issue therefore wasreduced to the question whether French newts, deliberately or inerror, had crossed over into British sovereign waters. Frenchofficials promised that they would investigate the matter; theEnglish government never even suggested that the matter should bepresented to the international court in The Hague. Finally theBritish admiralty came to an agreement with the French admiralty thatthere would be a five kilometre wide neutral zone between underwaterfortifications in the English Channel, and in this way theexceptional friendliness existing between the two states wasconfirmed.

Chapter 4

THE NORTHERN NEWT

Not many years after the first newt colonies had been settled inthe North Sea and the Baltic a German scientist, Dr. HansThüring, found that the Baltic newt had certaindistinctive physical features--clearly as a result of itsenvironment; that it was somewhat lighter in colour, it walked on twolegs, and its cranial index indicated a skull that was longer andnarrower than other newts. This variety was given the name NorthernNewt or Noble Newt (Andrias Scheuchzeri var. nobilis erectaThüring).

The German press took this Baltic newt as its own, andenthusiastically stressed that it was because of its Germanenvironment that this newt had developed into a different andsuperior sub-species, indisputably above the level of any othersalamander. Journalists wrote with contempt of the degenerate newtsof the Mediterranean, stunted both physically and mentally, of thesavage newts of the tropics and of the inferior, barbaric and bestialnewts of other nations. The slogan of the day was From the GreatNewt to the German Übernewt. And what had been theorigin of all the latter day newts on German soil? Had its gloriousmiocene skull not been found in ×hningen by the learnedGerman Doctor Johannes Jakob Scheuchzer? There was therefore not theslightest doubt that the original Andrias Scheuchzeri had had itsorigin in the geological past on German soil; its migration to otherseas and climatic zones was something it had had to pay for with itsdecline and degeneration; but as soon as it found itself back on thesoil of its homeland it once again became what it had been in thepast: the noble northern Scheuchzer Newt, light in colour, erect ingait and long in skull. It was only on German soil that newts couldreturn to their pure and highest form, such as it had been found bythe great Johannes Jakob Scheuchzer from the impression in the quarryat ×hningen. This was why Germany needed new andlonger shores, it needed colonies, it needed the seas of the world sothat a new generation of racially pure, original German salamanderscould develop in German waters. We need new living room for ournewts, wrote the German newspapers; and so that this fact was alwayspresent to the German eyes a grand memorial to Johannes JakobScheuchzer was set up in Berlin. The great doctor was depicted witha thick book in his hand; at his sits the erect and noble Nordicnewt, gazing into the distance towards the boundless shores of theworlds oceans. There was, of course, a celebratory speech given atthe unveiling of this national monument, and it attracted theattention of newspapers all around the world. A New Threat fromGermany, asserted, in particular, the press in England. We havebecome used to this sort of tone but if, on an official occasion suchas this, we are told that Germany is in need of five thousandkilometres of new coastline within three years we have to choice butto give a clear response: Just You Try It! See what happens if youencroach on British shores. We are prepared, and in three years timewe will be even better prepared. England must have--and will have--a navy as large as the two biggest continental powers put together;this relation of power cannot ever be changed. Anyone who wishes tounleash an insane arms race in naval weaponry is welcome to try; noBriton will ever allow his country to fall a single step behind.

"We accept the challenge laid down by the Germans," declared thefirst lord of the admiralty, Sir Francis Drake, in parliament andspeaking on behalf of the government. "Whoever tries to lay a handon any of the worlds oceans will have to find himself facing themight of our ships. The British Empire is strong enough to repel anyassault on its outposts or the shores of its colonies and dominions.The construction of new land, island, fortress or airbase in any seawill be considered an attack of this sort if its waves wash ontocoastline under British dominion, however tiny. Let this be the lastwarning to anyone who might wish to change the outline of the world'sseas, even if by no more than a yard." In response, parliamentallowed the construction of new warships at a preliminary cost ofhalf a million pounds sterling. It was indeed an impressive responseto the construction of the provocative memorial to Johannes JakobScheuchzer in Berlin; this memorial had cost no more than twelvethousand reichsmark.

The outstanding French publicist, the Marquis de Sade, who wasalways well informed, responded to this speech in this way: TheBritish first lord of the admiralty declares that Great Britain isready for any eventuality. That is all well and good, but is thenoble lord aware that Germany has a standing army of heavily armednewts in the Baltic, currently comprising five million professionalsalamander soldiers, who are ready to engage in military action atany time on land or sea? On top of that must be considered theseventeen million newts engaged in technical and supportive functionswho act as a reserve and are ready, at any time, to become an army ofoccupation? The Baltic salamander is presently the greatest soldierin the world; trained to the perfect mentality, it sees war is itsproper vocation and the most noble; it enters every battle with theenthusiasm of a fanatic, with cool technical planning and the awfuldiscipline of Prussia.

And is the British First Lord of the Admiralty moreover aware thatGermany is frantically building new transport ships, any one of whichcan carry a whole brigade of warrior salamanders? Is he aware thathundreds and hundreds of small submarines are being built with arange of three to five thousand kilometres and whose crew willconsist of Baltic newts? Is he aware that gigantic underwater fueldepots are being established in various places? So now, let us askthe question once again: can the British citizen be certain that hisgreat country really is well prepared for any eventuality?

It is not difficult to imagine, the Marquis de Sade continued,what a difference could be made to the outcome the next war by newtsblockading the coasts and equipped with underwater howitzers, mortarsand torpedoes; by my faith, this is the first time in history thatno-one need envy the English in their splendid isolation surroundedby water. And while we are addressing these questions: is theBritish admiralty aware also that the Baltic newts are equipped witha new, normally peaceful, apparatus called the pneumatic drill whichis capable of drilling ten metres deep into the best Swedish granitein an hour and can penetrate fifty or sixty metres deep into Englishchalk in the same time? (This was ascertained by secret experimentscarried out at night by the German technical expedition on theeleventh, twelfth and thirteenth of last month on the English coastbetween Hythe and Folkestone right under the nose of Dover Castle.)I suggest that our friends across the channel calculate forthemselves how many weeks it would take for Kent or Essex to bedrilled through below sea level like a piece of Swiss cheese. Untilnow, the Englishman on his island has always looked anxiously to thehorizon as the place from which any harm to his flourishing cities,his Bank of England or his warm cottage, so cosy in its evergreencoat of ivy, might come. But now he had better put his ear to theground where his children are playing: might he not hear, maybetoday, maybe tomorrow, a digging and a scraping as, step by step, thenewts with these tireless and fearsome drills grind their way deeperto create the paths for laying hitherto unknown explosives. The lastword of the age we live in is not war in the air, it is war beneaththe water and the land. We have heard the self confident words fromthe commanders of proud Albion; the ship of Albion today is still avessel of great power, borne on the waves and master of them; butthere might come a day when the waves will close over a vessel thathas been broken and send it down to the depths of the ocean. Wouldit not be better to face this danger sooner rather than later?Within three years it will be too late!

The Marquis de Sade was a brilliant publicist, and his warningcaused great consternation in England; despite all the denials,people in every part of England were able to hear the newts drillinginto the ground beneath their feet. Officials in Germany, of course,issued a categorical denial and repudiated the Marquis' speech,declaring that from start to finish it was no more than provocationand hostile propaganda; at the same time, however, combinedmanoeuvres were taking place in the Baltic involving the German navy,land forces and warrior newts; squads of sapper newts, in full viewof foreign military attachés, under-drilled and blew upsix square kilometres of sand dunes near Rügenwald.It was said to be a wonderful spectacle when, with a terrifying roar,the ground rose up and an enormous wall of steam, sand and treetrunks flew skywards; it became as dark as night, and the sand thathad been thrown up was scattered over a radius of nearly fiftykilometres, even as far away as Warsaw there was still a sandy rainfalling several days later. This enormous explosion left so muchfine sand and dust suspended in the atmosphere that all through therest of that year the sunsets throughout Europe were exceptionallybeautiful, coloured a bloody red, and fiery like never before. Thesea created after this piece of coast had been blown away was latergiven the name the Scheuchzer See, and it was the destination forcountless school trips for German children singing their favouritenewt anthem, Solche Erfolche erreichen nur deutsche Molche.

Chapter 5

WOLF MEYNERT WRITES HIS OEUVRE

It may have been just those tragically glorious sunsets thatinspired the lone philosopher, Wolf Meynert, to write his monumentalwork, The Decline and Fall of Man. We can easily imagine him as heambles along the shore, his hair loose and his raincoat flapping inthe wind, gazing enthralled at the sky that has turned into a blazeof fire and blood. "Yes," he mutters absent mindedly, "yes, now isthe time to write the afterword to the history of mankind!" And sohe wrote it.

The tragedy of the human race has reached its final curtain, WolfMeynert began. Despite mans lust for enterprise and technicalprosperity, all this is no more than the lurid red on the face of anorganism already condemned to die. Man has never before come face toface with such an elevated conjuncture in the life of his speciesthan today; but find me one man who is happy; show me the class thatlives in contentment, the nation that does not fear its existenceunder threat. In the midst of all the gifts of civilisation, in therich luxury of material and spiritual property we are all of usfalling inexorably into doubt, anguish and unease. Thus Wolf Meynertwent on, with irrefutable logic, to analyse the spiritual state ofthe modern word, this mix of fear and uncertainty, mistrust andmegalomania, cynicism and pettiness: in a word, Wolf Meynertconcluded, desperation. Typical portents of the end. Moralagony.

So the question is: When was man ever capable of happiness?Individuals, yes, just like any other living thing; but mankind,never. The whole of mans misfortunes arise because he had to becomehuman, or that he became human too late when he was alreadyincorrigibly differentiated into nations and races and faiths andclasses and factions and rich and poor and educated and uneducatedand lords and slaves. If you take horses, wolves, sheep, cats,foxes, deer, bears and goats, and you herd them into one fold andforce them to live in this nonsensical mix-up that you call the Rulesof Society and force them to observe these rules, then the resultwill be unhappiness, discontent and death, a society where not even adivine being could feel at home. That is a more or less precisedepiction of the big and hopeless heterogenous herd that we callmankind. Nations, classes, factions cannot all live together in thelong term without causing each other worries and getting in eachothers way until it becomes unbearable; they can all live separatedfrom each other--which was only possible for as long as the worldwas big enough for them--or they can live against each other, in astruggle of life and death. Biological entities such as race, nationand class have only, where people are concerned, one natural road totake, and that is towards a homogenous and undisturbed bliss; to makea place for themselves and annihilate the others. And that is justwhat the human race failed to do in time. Now it is too late. Wehave set up too many doctrines and obligations for ourselves withwhich we protect these "others" instead of getting rid of them; wehave thought up a code of morals, human rights, contracts, laws,equality, humanity and all the rest; we have created a fictitiousmankind which includes ourselves and these "others" in some imaginaryhigher unit. What a fatal mistake! We have set our law of moralsabove the laws of biology. We have violated the great naturalassumption of all societies; that only a homogenous society can be ahappy society. And this attainable prosperity is something that wehave sacrificed to a great but impossible dream: the creation of onemankind and one social and moral code for all people, nations,classes and factions. Grandiose stupidity. In its way it was man'sonly honourable attempt to rise above himself. And now he has to payfor this supreme idealism with his own inevitable end.

The process by which man tries to organise himself in society isas old as civilisation itself, as old as the first laws and the firstcommunities; after all these millennia, all that he has attained isthe deepening of the gulf between races, nations and classes; worldopinions have dug themselves deep and firm in the bottomless pit thatwe see today, and we cannot fail to see that mans unfortunate andhistoric attempt to make all peoples into one mankind hasdefinitively and tragically collapsed. We are finally beginning torealise it; and that is why there are these plans and efforts tounite human society in a different way, a radical way, the way ofmaking room just for one nation, just for one class or just for onefaith. But who can say how deeply we have already been infected withthe incurable disease of differentiation? Sooner or later, everysupposedly homogenous unit inevitably breaks back down into adisparate jumble of various interests, parties, classes and so on,who will either persecute each other or will suffer together insilence. There is no way out. We are caught in a vicious circle;but history will not continue going round in circles forever. Natureherself has taken care of that by creating a place on Earth for thenewts.

It is by more than mere chance, Wolf Meynert went on, that thenewts have burgeoned just at the time when mans chronic disease, thisbadly assembled and quickly decaying super-organism, will progressinto agony. With few insignificant exceptions, the newts are theonly homogenous and large-scale unit; they have so far failed tocreate any deep distinctions of race, language, nation, state, faithclass or caste; there are no masters and slaves among them, nofreemen and serfs, no rich and poor; differences have been imposedupon them by their type of work, but for their own perceptions theyare of one family, a monolith, of one seed, in all their parts theyhave the same primitive biology, the same poor natural endowments,the same burdens, and the same low living standard. The last Negroesand Eskimos have incomparably higher living conditions, enjoyinfinitely richer property both materially and culturally, than thesebillions of civilised newts. And there is not even any indication ofsuffering among the newts. On the contrary. What we see is thatthey have no need of any of the things with which man seeks escapeand relief from the worries of his life or the horrors of hismetaphysics; they survive adequately without philosophy, without lifeafter death and without art; they do not know what are fantasy,humour, mysticism, game-playing or dreams; they go through lifesimply as realists. They are as remote from man as ants or herrings;and they distinguish themselves from ants and herrings only by havingmoved over into the environment of another species, the civilisationof man. There they have settled themselves just as dogs have settledinto mans shelter; they cannot live without it, but they do not ceaseto be what they are; a very primitive and little differentiated typeof animal. All they wish to do is live and multiply; they might evenbe happy, for there is no sense of inequality to disturb them. Theyare simply homogenous. For this reason they might one day, indeedone day very soon, find no difficulty in doing that which has escapedthe efforts of man: to disperse their species with its unity intactall around the globe, a single global community, in a word, universalnewtdom. This day will see the end of millennia of agony for thehuman genus. Our planet will not have enough room for two faction,both of which strive to dominate the whole world. One of them mustgive way. We know already which that will be.

Distributed around the globe today are around twenty thousandmillion civilised newts, which is about ten times more than allpeople put together; it is both a matter of historical logic andbiological necessity that the newts that man has subjugated will someday free themselves; that being homogenous they will unite; and thatthus having become the greatest power the world has ever seen theywill take over. Could anyone be such a fool as to think they wouldthen spare mankind? Could anyone think they will repeat the mistake,made again and again throughout history, of exploiting the defeatednations and classes instead of just annihilating them? Would it bein their interest to keep establishing new differences between men sothat then, simply through generosity and idealism, they would try toovercome them? No, this is a historic error that the newts will notcommit, declared Wolf Meynert, if only because they will have beenwarned in this book! They will be the inheritors of the whole ofhuman civilisation; all that we have done or attempted to do in ourefforts to shape the world will simply fall into their laps; but ifthey tried to include ourselves with this legacy, they would beacting against their own interests. They must rid themselves ofmankind if they wish to maintain their own uniformity. If theyfailed to act thus they would they would create, sooner or later,their own destructive tendency among themselves: they would createdifferences and they would have to endure them. But this issomething of which we should have no fear; there is today no creaturethat will continue the history of mankind that would repeat hissuicidal madness.

There is no doubt that the world of the newts will be happier thanthat of mankind; it will be unified, homogenous and governedeverywhere in the same spirit. Newt will not be distinct from newtby language, opinion, faith or his requisites for life. There willbe no differences among them of culture or class, merely theallocation of tasks. No-one will be master or slave, as all willserve just one Great Newt Whole which will be god, government,employer and spiritual leader. There will be just one nation andjust one class. The world will be better and more perfect than ourswill have been. This is the only possible Brave New World. Let ustherefore make room for it; man is facing his expiry, and there is nomore that he can do than to hasten his end with tragic beauty, thatis, if it is not too late even for that.

Now lets express the views of Wolf Meynert in a way that is moreaccessible: we are aware that in this way it will lose a lot of itsforce and its depth, which was so fascinating for the whole of Europein its time. The young were especially fascinated and adopted afaith in the decline and annihilation of mankind with greatenthusiasm. The German Reich banned the teaching of the greatpessimist for a number of political reasons and Wolf Meynert had toflee into Switzerland, but the whole of the educated world wasnonetheless content to adopt Meynert's theories about the end ofmankind; his book, 632 pages long, was published in all the languagesof the world and many millions of copies were distributed, even amongthe newts.

Chapter 6

X GIVES HIS WARNING

It may have been as a result of this prophetic book that theliterary and artistic avant garde in all the cultural centresdeclared, After Us, the Salamanders!, The Future belongs to theNewts, Newts Mean Cultural Revolution. Even if they don't have theirown art (they explained) at least they are not burdened with idioticideals, dried up traditions and all the rigid and boring thingstaught in schools and given the name of poetry, music, architecture,philosophy and culture in any of its forms. The word culture issenile and it makes us sick. Human art has been with us for too longand is worn-out and if the newts have never fallen for it we willmake a new art for them. We, the young, will blaze the path for anew world of salamandrism: we wish to be the first newts, we are thesalamanders of tomorrow! And so the young poetic movement ofsalamandrism was born, triton--or tritone--music was composed andpelagic painting, inspired by the shape world of jellyfish, fish andcorals, made its appearance. There were also the water regulatingstructures made by the newts themselves which were discovered as anew source of beauty and dignity. We've had enough of nature, theslogans went; bring on the smooth, concrete shores instead of the oldand ragged cliffs! Romanticism is dead; the continents of the futurewill be outlined with clean straight lines and re-shaped into conicsections and rhombuses; the old geological must be replaced with aworld of geometry. In short, there was once again a new trend thatwas to be the thing of the future, a new aesthetic sensation and newcultural manifestoes; anyone who failed to join in with the rise ofsalamandrism before it was too late felt bitterly that he had missedhis time, and he would take his revenge by making calls for thepurity of mankind, a return to the values of the people and natureand other reactionary slogans. A concert of tritone music was booedoff the stage in Vienna, at the Salon des Indépendentsin Paris a pelagic painting called Capriccio en Bleu was slashed byan unidentified perpetrator; salamandrism was simply victorious, andits rise was unstoppable.

Needless to say, there was no shortage of those who were opposedto this change and stood against "newtmania" as it was called. Themost fundamentalist piece of opposition came in the form of ananonymous pamphlet that came out in England under the title X Giveshis Warning. The leaflet enjoyed wide circulation, but the identityof its author was never established; there were many who thought itmust have been written by some high official in the church, swayed bythe observation that X is an abbreviation for Christ.

In the first chapter the author tried to use statistics about thenewts, apologising at the same time for the inaccuracy of the figureshe was using. The estimated total number of salamanders at this timeranged between seven and twenty times the total number of people onthe Earth. It was just as uncertain how many factories, oil wells,weed plantations, and eel farms the newts had under the sea makinguse of water power and other natural sources of energy; there werenot even any estimates of the newts industrial manufacturingcapacity; least of all did anyone know how well armed the newtswere. We knew that the salamanders were dependent on people fortheir metals, engineering parts, explosives and many types ofchemical, but not only did every state keep strictly secret how muchweaponry and other products their supplied to their newts, but wealso knew remarkably little about what the newts did with thematerials they bought from people once they were down in the depthsof the sea. One thing that was certain was that the newts did notwant people to know these things; over the previous few years so manydivers sent down to the seabed had been drowned that it could notpossibly be seen as mere chance. It hardly need be said how worryingthis was, both from the industrial point of view and the military.It is obviously very difficult to imagine, X continued in thefollowing paragraphs, what the newts might want of people, or howmuch they could simply take. They cannot live on dry land and thereis no way for us to dictate to them what they do under the water.Our respective living environments are completely and unchangeablyseparate. We require a certain amount of work from them, but inreturn we give them plenty of food and provide them with rawmaterials and products such as metals that, without us, they wouldnot have at all. But even if there is no practical reason for anyanimosity between ourselves and the newts there is, I would say,metaphysical reason: contrasted with creatures of the surface we seecreatures of the deep abyss; creatures of the night with creatures ofthe day; dark ponds of water with bright, dry land. The boundarybetween water and land has somehow become sharper than it used to be:our land borders on their water. We could live perfectly wellseparate from each other, exchanging no more than certain goods andservices, indefinitely; but it is hard to rid ourselves of the fearthat that is not how things will turn out. And why not? I am notable to give you any precise reasons; but this fear is nonethelesswith us; it seems like some kind of intuition that one day the seaitself will turn against the land to settle the question of who liveswith whom.

I have to admit that this anxiety is somewhat irrational, X wenton; but it would seem like a great relief if the newts came outagainst mankind with some kind of demands. We would at least thenhave the chance to negotiate with them, we would be able to makevarious concessions, contracts and compromises with them; but thissilence of theirs is a thing of horror. This incomprehensiblereticence makes me afraid. They might, for instance, wish to ask forcertain political advantages for themselves; legislation about thenewts is, to put it bluntly, outdated in every state of the world andis not worthy of the dignity of a creature as civilised as the newtsnor of a creature so strong in numbers. There is a need to work outnew rights and responsibilities for the newts, and to do so in theway that will be of most advantage to them; their working conditionsmust be improved and they must be better rewarded for the amount ofwork they do. There are many ways in which their circumstances couldbe improved if only they would ask for it. Then we would be in aposition to make certain concessions and bind ourselves to propercontracts with proper pay; at the very least this would buy time fora number of years. However, the newts ask for nothing; all they dois raise their output and order more supplies; now is the time whenwe need to ask where, on both sides, this will all come to an end.We used formerly to talk about the yellow peril, or black or red; butthey were at least people, and we can at least have some idea of whatit is that people will want. But even if we still have no idea howto defend ourselves or even whom we are to defend ourselves againstthere is one thing that is quite clear: that if the newts stand onone side then the whole of mankind will be on the other.

People against newts! The time has come when it needs to beformulated thus. It must be said frankly that the normal person hasan instinctive hatred of the salamanders, he loathes them--and he isafraid of them. There is something like a chill veil of horror thathas fallen over the whole of mankind. How else are we to explainthis frenetic worldliness, this insatiable thirst for fun anddebauchery, this orgiastic abandon that has taken control of peoplesminds? There has never been a comparable collapse of morals sincethe time when the Roman Empire collapsed under the onslaught of thebarbarians. This is more than the fruit of unprecedented materialprosperity, it is the desperation born of suppressed fear and anguishat the thought of our own overturn and annihilation. Drink deep thelast goblet, for tomorrow we die! What a disgrace, what apunishment! It seems that God, in His terrible mercy, wishes toallow nations and classes to perish if once they have begun to rushdown the road to destruction. Are we to read mene tekel in fieryletters at the feast of mankind? Look at the words written in lightshining all through the hours of darkness on the walls of ourdebauched and dissolute cities! In this way we human beings arealready comparable with the newts: we live more by night than byday.

If only these salamanders were not so horribly mediocre, exclaimedX in his anxiety. It is true that they are, to some extent,educated, but this has the effect of limiting them further as allthat they have taken from human civilisation is that which is themost commonplace and useful, things that are mechanical andrepeatable. They stand at the side of man like Wagner at the side ofFaust; they learn from these books like the human Faust but with thisdifference, that this is all they want and suffer from no doubts orquestions. The most horrifying thing is that this type of civilisedmediocrity, educable but dull and complacent, exists on such a largescale; millions and thousands of millions of individuals all thesame; or rather, perhaps I am mistaken, and the most horrifying thingof all is that they have been so successful. They have taughtthemselves to use machines and numbers, and they have shown that thatis all that is needed to become masters of the world. All parts ofhuman civilisation that are without purpose, that are playful,fantastic or antiquated, they have ignored; in this way they haveignored all that makes man human, adopting only that which is purelypractical, technical and utilisable. And this pitiful caricature ofhuman civilisation has achieved awesome things; it builds wonders oftechnology, renovates our old planet and is even a source offascination of people themselves. From Wagner, his apprentice andservant, Faust learned the secret of success and of mediocrity.Mankind has either to engage in an epoch-making conflict of life anddeath with the newts or he will become like the newts, never toregain his humanness. As far as I am concerned, X concluded sadly, Iwould rather see the former.

X now gives you his warning, the unknown author continued. It isstill possible to shake off this cold and slimey ring that is wrappedaround us all. We must rid ourselves of the salamanders. There arealready too many of them; they are armed, we know almost nothingabout the power of their weapons and they could well turn themagainst us; but a danger for us more horrible than mere strength andnumbers is the success, nay triumph, achieved by their lack of selfworth. We do not know what it is that we are to fear more; thetechnology they have taken from human beings, or their sinister, coldand bestial cruelty; but the two of them together create somethinginconceivably terrifying and almost diabolic. In the name ofculture, in the name of Christianity and mankind we must freeourselves from these newts. And here he called on an unnamedapostle:

You madmen, stop feeding the newts! Stop employing them, eschewtheir services, let them move away somewhere else where they willfeed themselves just like any other sea creature! Nature herself hasalready created order in her copious bounty; but only if people--human civilisation and human history--will stop working for thesalamanders!

And stop providing the newts with weapons, end their supply ofmetals and explosives, send them no more of the machinery andequipment made by man! We do not give the tiger his teeth or venomto the snake; we do not stoke the fires of volcanoes or undermine ourdams. Let us ban supplies to any of the seas of the world, let usplace the newts outside the law, let them be cursed and banished fromour world, let there be a League of Nations to unite us against thenewts! The whole of mankind must be prepared to defend its existencewith sword in hand; let the king of Sweden, the Pope of Rome or aunion of nations call a world conference to unite all the civilisedstates of the world, let us create a united world--or at least aunion of all Christian nations--wherewith to oppose thesalamanders! We are today at a turning point. Under the terriblepressure of the salamander threat, it is possible for man to behaveresponsibly and create a United States of the World to avoid a worldwar with all its countless victims. May God will it! If it is Hiswill, then the newts will not have come in vain and will have beenthe instrument of God.

This pathetic pamphlet excited wide support among the generalpublic. Old women, in particular, agreed that there had been anunprecedented decline in moral values. On the other hand, thebusiness pages of the newspapers pointed out it would not be possibleto reduce the goods supplied to the newts without causing a seriousdecline in human industrial output and a crisis in many other areas.Agriculture had come to depend on an enormous demand for maize,potatoes and other crops used for newt fodder; if the number ofsalamanders was reduced there would be a sharp decline in the marketprice of foodstuffs which would bring farmers to the brink of ruin.The trades unions suspected Mr. X was just a reactionary and declaredthat they would not allow anything that would impede the supply ofgoods to the newts; the working man had only just achieved fullemployment and a proper wage and now Mr. X was wanting to snatch thebread from their hands; the working class is in sympathy with thenewts and rejects any attempt to lower their standard of living ordeliver them, poor and defenceless, into the hands of capitalism. Asfar as any League of Nations against the newts was concerned, theydenied that there could be any serious political circumstances whenit could be needed; there were indeed both the Society of Nations andthe London Convention in which sea-going states bound themselves notto equip their newts with heavy weaponry. Needless to say, it is noteasy to persuade any state to disarm if it cannot be sure that noother seagoing power is not arming its newts in secret and therebyraising its military power at the expense of its neighbours.Likewise, no state or continent is able to force its newts to movesomewhere else, simply because that would have the undesirable effectof raising the industrial and agricultural output, not to mention themilitary power, of other states and continents. And objections ofthis sort, which any thinking person would have to acknowledge, wereraised everywhere.

Despite all this, the pamphlet,X Gives his Warning, hadfar reaching effects. Movements to oppose the newts spread to almostevery country in the world and a variety of organisations such as TheAssociation for the Elimination of the Newts, The Anti-SalamanderClub, The Committee for Human Protection were establishedeverywhere. Newt delegates at the thirteenth session of theCommission for the Study of Newt Affairs in Geneva were insulted whenthey tried to take part. The boards that fenced off the coastlinewere daubed with threatening graffiti such as Death to the Newts,Salamanders Go Home etc. Many newts had stones thrown at them; nosalamander now dared to raise his head above water in daylight. But,despite all of this, there was no sign whatever from them of protestor attempt at retaliation. They were simply invisible, by day atleast; and the people who peered through the barriers saw no morethan the endless and wearily soughing waves. "Just look at thesemonstrosities," they said with hatred, "they won't even showthemselves!"

And it was this tense silence that was suddenly broken by thethunder of the Louisiana Earthquake.

Chapter 7

THE LOUISIANA EARTHQUAKE

On that day, on the 11th. November at one o'clock in the morning,there was a powerful earth tremor felt in New Orleans; some of thebuildings in the black areas collapsed; people ran out onto thestreet in panic, but there was no second tremor; there was only ashort, howling cyclone that struck with a sudden furious onslaught,smashing windows and blowing the rooves off the houses where thenegroes lived; a few dozen people were killed; and then there was aheavy downpour of mud.

As the New Orleans firemen went out to help in the worst affectedareas, telegrams were tapped out from Morgan City, Plaquemine, BatonRouge and Lafayette: SOS! Send help! City half destroyed byearthquake and cyclone; Mississippi dam at risk of breaking; sendsearchers, ambulances, all able-bodied men immediately!--From FortLivingston there was only this laconic question: Hello, anythinghappening there? It was followed by a message from Lafayette:Attention! Attention! Worst affected New Iberia. Connection betweenIberia and Morgan City seems broken. Send help there!--Morgan Citytelephoned in reply: No communications with New Iberia. Roads andrailroads seem destroyed. Send ships and airplanes to VermillionBay! We need nothing. Have around thirty dead and hundred injured.--Then a telegram came from Baton Rouge: Received news, worstaffected New Iberia. Concentrate resources New Iberia. Here needonly workers, urgent, dam in danger of breaking. Doing allpossible. And then: Hello, hello, Shreveport, Natchitoches,Alexandria sending trains with help to New Iberia. Hello, hello,Memphis, Winana, Jackson sending trains via Orleans. All vehiclesheading dam Baton Rouge.--Hello, Pascagoula here. Some dead here.Need help?

By now fire engines, ambulances and trainfuls of helpers andsupplies were on their way to Morgan city--Patterson--Franklin. Itwas not until after four in the morning that the first accurate newsarrived: Railroad closed by floods between Franklin and New Iberia,five miles west of Franklin; seems deep fissure opened by earthquake,connects with Vermillion Bay and flooded with seawater. As far asascertained, fissure extends from Vermillion Bay east-northeast, nearFranklin turns northwards, opens into Grand Lake, continuesnorthwards until line Plaquemine--Lafayette, ending in former lake;second branch fissure connects Grand Lake westwards withNapoleonville Lake. Fissure around fifty miles total length, widthone to seven miles. Epicenter apparently here. Seems amazing luckfissure missed all major towns. Loss of life nonethelesssubstantial. In Franklin twenty-four inches rain of mud, inPatterson eighteen inches. Reports from Atchafalaya Bay, searetreated two miles at time of earthquake, then hundred foot tidalwave. Feared many dead on coast. Still no communication with NewIberia.

Meanwhile a train carrying supplies from Natchitoches entered NewIberia from the west; the first reports, sent by a roundabout routevia Lafayette and Baton Rouge, were awful. The train had not beenable to get closer than a few miles from New Iberia because the trackhad been swept away by the mud. As people fled from the disasterthey reported that a volcano of mud had erupted a couple of miles tothe east of the town and instantly drenched the area with a thin,cold rain of it; New Iberia, they said, had disappeared under anonslaught of mud. All work was made extremely difficult by the darkand the continuing rain of mud. There was still no direct connectionwith New Iberia.

At the same time, news arrived from Baton Rouge:

Dispatch from Fort Jackson:

The report from Port Eads was somewhat shorter:

By about eight in the morning the first aircraft sent to help theaffected areas had returned. The whole of the coast from Port Arthur(Texas) to Mobile (Alabama) had been hit by a tidal wave; ruined ordamaged buildings were everywhere. The south-eastern part ofLouisiana (from the road between Lake Charles and Alexandria toNatchez) and the south of Mississippi (as far as the line Jackson--Hattiesburg--Pascagoula) were swamped with mud. A new bay stretchedinland from Vermillion Bay, two to eight miles wide and reaching inon a zig-zag line almost as far as Plaquemine like a long fjord. NewIberia seemed to have been seriously damaged but many people could beseen digging the mud away from roads and houses. Impossible toland. The most serious loss of life likely to have been on thecoast. A steamer, clearly from Mexico, sunk off Point au Fer. Seaaround Chandeleur Islands covered in debris. Rain easing off overthe entire area. Visibility good.

The first special issue of the New Orleans paper went out at justafter four in the morning; as the day went on more issues werepublished and the details accumulated; at eight in the morningappeared the first photographs of the affected areas with maps of thenew inlets from the sea. At half past eight they printed aninterview with the celebrated seismologist from Memphis University,Dr. Wilbur R. Bownell, about the cause of the earthquake inLouisiana. It's still too early to come to any firm conclusions, thefamous scientist declared, but it seems that these tremors havenothing to do with the volcanic activity, which has been so active uptill now, in the volcano belt of central Mexico which lies directlyacross from the affected area. Today's earthquake seems rather to beof tectonic origin, that's to say it was caused by the weight andpressure of mountains: one the one side there are the Rocky Mountainsand the Sierra Madre, and on the other side there are AppalachianHills on the extensive lowlands of the Gulf of Mexico which continuedown to the mouth of the Mississippi. The chasm that now runs upfrom Vermillion Bay is only small and insignificant compared with thegeological collapse that has already created the Gulf of Mexico andthe Caribbean Sea, along with the ring of islands that make up theGreater and Lesser Antilles, which were once a range of mountains.There is no doubt whatsoever that this subsidence in central Americawill continue with new tremors, new faults and new chasms appearing;it is even possible that the fault running up from Vermilion Bay isno more than a prelude to the reactivation of the tectonic processwith its center in the Gulf of Mexico; and if that is the case wemight well be witnesses to an enormous geological catastrophe inwhich nearly a fifth of the United States might end up as seabed.But if that really is the case there is a certain likelihood that theocean bed in the region of the Antilles will start to rise, or itcould be somewhat further east where, according to the ancientlegends, we might hope to find the sunken city of Atlantis.

On the other hand, the scientist continued more reassuringly, weneed not take seriously any fear of volcanic activity in the affectedareas; these craters hurling mud into the air are nothing more thaneruptions of natural gas which must have been under the Vermilionfault. It wouldn't be at all surprising to find gigantic caverns ofgas underneath the Mississippi Delta area, and these caverns ofnatural gas can explode when they come into contact with the air,hurling hundreds of thousands of tons of water and mud into the airas they do so. But of course, before we can come to any definitiveconclusions, Dr. W.R. Brownell repeated, we will need to obtain moredata.

While Dr. Brownell's geological observations on the catastrophewent to press, the governor of the state of Louisiana received thistelegram from Fort Jackson:

The governor of the state of Louisiana pored long over thistelegram. Some kind of joker, this Fred Dalton, I reckon, he finallysaid. Best not to give this to the papers.

Chapter 8

CHIEF SALAMANDER MAKES HIS DEMANDS

Three days after the earthquake in Louisiana there was anothergeological catastrophe announced, this time in China. The coast ofthe province of Kiangsu, north of Nanking, about half way between themouth of the Yangtse and the old bed of the Hwangho, was ripped apartin a powerful, thunderous earthquake; the sea gushed into thisfissure and joined up with the great lakes of Pan Yoon and Hungtsubetween the cities of Hwaingan and Fugyang. Apparently as a resultof the earthquake, the Yangtse left its course below Nanking andflowed down towards Lake Tai and on to Hang-Cho. Loss of human lifecannot, so far, even be estimated. Hundred of thousands of refugeesare fleeing into the provinces to the north and south. Japanesewarships have been given orders to sail to the affected area.

Although the earthquake in Kiangsu was far more extensive than thedisaster in Louisiana it attracted little attention in the worldpress because everyone was used to catastrophes happening in Chinaand the loss of some million lives did not seem very important; andbesides, it was scientifically clear that it was only a tectonicearthquake to do with the deep sea trench near the Riukiu andPhilippine archipelagoes. But three days later, seismographs inEurope registered new tremors centred somewhere near the Cape VerdeIslands. More detailed reports stated that the coast of Senegambia,south of St. Louis, had been hit by a serious earthquake. A deepfissure appeared between Lampul and Mboro, allowing the sea to gushin through the Merinagh and as far as Wadi Dimar. Eyewitnesses saidthat a column of fire and steam had erupted from the ground with aterrible noise, hurling sand and stones for miles around; and thenthere was the sound of the sea as it rushed into the gulf that hadbeen opened up. There was no significant loss of life.

This third earthquake stirred up something akin to panic. Wereall the Earths volcanoes becoming active? the papers asked. TheEarths crust is starting to break up, the popular press declared.Specialists gave their opinion that the Senegambian gulley may havebeen no more than the result of a granite eruption by Mount Pico onthe Cape Verde island of Fogo; this volcano had erupted as recentlyas 1847 but since then had been considered extinct. In this case,the west African earthquake had nothing to do with seismic events inLouisiana and Kiangsu which were clearly tectonic in origin. Butnobody seemed to care whether the Earth was breaking up for tectonicreasons or volcanic. The fact was that all the churches were filledto capacity that day and in some areas they had to stay open allnight.

At one in the morning on the 20th. November, radio hams over mostof Europe suffered serious interference to their reception, as if anew and exceptionally strong broadcaster was operating. They locatedthe interference at two hundred and three metres; it soundedsomething like the noise of machinery or rushing water; then thecontinuous, unchanging noise was suddenly interrupted by a horrible,rasping noise (everyone described it in the same way: a hollow,nasal, almost synthetic sounding voice, made all the more so by theelectronic apparatus); and this frog-like voice called excitedly,"Hello, hello, hello! Chief Salamander speaking. Hello, chiefSalamander speaking. Stop all broadcasting, you men! Stop yourbroadcasting! Hello, Chief Salamander speaking!" And then another,strangely hollow voice asked: "Ready?" "Ready." There was a clickas if the broadcast were being transferred to another speaker; andthen another, unnaturally staccato voice called: "Attention!Attention! Attention!" "Hello!" "Now!"

A voice was heard in the quiet of the night; it was rasping andtired-sounding but still had the air of authority. "Hello youpeople! This is Louisiana. This is Kiangsu. This is Senegambia.We regret the loss of human life. We have no wish to cause youunnecessary harm. We wish only that you evacuate those areas ofcoast which we will notify you of in advance. If you do as we sayyou will avoid anything regrettable. In future we will give you atleast fourteen days notice of the places where we wish to extend oursea. Incidents so far have been no more than technical experiments.Your explosives have proved their worth. Thank you for them.

"Hello you people! Remain calm. We wish you no harm. We merelyneed more water, more coastline, more shallows in which to live.There are too many of us. Your coastlines are already too limitedfor our needs. For this reason we need to demolish your continents.We will convert them into bays and islands. In this way, the lengthof coastline can be increased five-fold. We will construct newshallows. We cannot live in deep ocean. We will need yourcontinents as materials to fill in the deep waters. We wish you noharm, but there are too many of us. You will be free to migrateinland. You will not be prevented from fleeing to the hills. Thehills will be the last to be demolished.

"We are here because you wanted us. You have distributed us overthe entire world. Now you have us. We wish that you collaboratewith us. You will provide us with steel for our picks and drills.you will provide us with explosives. You will provide us withtorpedoes. You will work for us. Without you we will not be able toremove the old continents. Hello you people, Chief Salamander, inthe name of all newts everywhere, offers collaboration with you. Youwill collaborate with us in the demolition of your world. Thankyou."

The tired, rasping voice became silent, and all that was heard wasthe constant noise resembling machinery or the sea. "Hello, hello,you people," the grating voice began again, "we will now entertainyou with music from your gramophone records. Here, for yourpleasure, is the March of the Tritons from the film, Poseidon."

The press, of course, said this nocturnal broadcast was just a"crude joke", some illicit sender; but there were nonethelessmillions of listeners waiting at their receivers the following nightto find out whether the horrible, earnest and rasping voice wouldspeak again. It was heard at precisely one o'clock to theaccompaniment of a broad howling and hissing like the sound of thesea. "Good evening, you people," the voice quacked gaily. "To starttonight's broadcast, we would like to play you a gramophone recordingof the Salamander Dance from your operetta, Galatea." Once theshameless clamour of the music had come to its end the voice oncemore began its vile and somehow cheerful croaking. "Hello youpeople! The British gunboat, Erebus, has just been torpedoed andsunk in the Atlantic Ocean after it had attempted to destroy ourbroadcasting equipment. The entire crew was drowned. Hello, we urgethe British government to issue a statement by radio. The Amenhotep,registered in Port Said, was reluctant to deliver a cargo ofexplosives we had ordered to our port of Makallaha, apparently on thegrounds that orders had been given to refuse any further provisionsof explosives. The ship was, of course, sunk. We advise thegovernment of the United Kingdom to revoke this order by noontomorrow. Failure to do so will result in the sinking of theWinnipeg, Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec, presently underway in theNorth Atlantic with cargoes of grain from Canada to Liverpool.Hello, we urge the French government to issue a statement by radio.You are to call back the cruisers presently underway to Senegambia.Work to widen the newly created bay there is still in progress.Chief Salamander has given orders that these two governments shouldbe reassured of his unshakeable friendship towards them. End ofmessage. We will now, for your pleasure, play you gramophone recordsof Salamandria, valse érotique."

The following afternoon the Manitoba, Winnipeg, Ontario and Quebecwere sunk south-west of Mizen Head. The world was overcome with awave of horror. That evening the BBC stated that His Majesty'sGovernment had prohibited any further supplies of food, chemicalproducts, machinery, weapons or metals to the newts. At one o'clockthat night an excited voice rasped out from the radio: "Hello, hello,hello, Chief Salamander speaking! Hello, Chief Salamander is goingto speak!" And then the tired, croaking and angry voice was heard:"Hello you people! Hello you people! Do you believe we would allowyou to starve us? Do not be so foolish! Whatever you do will beturned against you! In the name of all newts of the world I call onGreat Britain. With immediate effect, we declare a total blockade ofthe British Isles with the exception of the Irish Free State. TheEnglish Channel will be closed off. The Suez Canal will be closedoff. The Straits of Gibraltar will be closed to all shipping. AllBritish ports will be closed. All British shipping in whatever partof the world will be torpedoed. Hello, calling Germany. Orders ofexplosives are increased ten-fold. They are to be made availableimmediately at the main depot on the Skagerrak. Hello, callingFrance. Orders of torpedoes are to be met forthwith and supplied tounderwater forts C3, BFF and Quest 5. Hello you people! You havebeen warned. If any attempt is made to limit our supplies offoodstuffs they will be taken from your ships by force. You havebeen warned." The tired voice declined to a scarcely comprehensiblecroaking. "Hello, calling Italy. You are to prepare for theevacuation of the territories around Venice, Padova and Udine. Youpeople have been warned, and warned for the last time. Any morenonsense from you will not be tolerated." There was a long pausewhile nothing was heard but the hissing of the radio like a cold,black sea. And the gay and quacking voice was heard once more: "Andnow we will entertain you with gramophone records of one of yourlatest hits, the Triton Trot."

Chapter 9

CONFERENCE IN VADUZ

It was an odd sort of war, if indeed it could be called a war atall; as there was no newt state nor any acknowledged newt governmentwhich could be officially held responsible for the hostilities. Thefirst country to find itself in a state of war with the salamanderswas Great Britain. Within the first few hours the newts had sunkalmost all British ships at anchor in harbour; there was nothing thatthey could have done about that. A number of ships on the open seawere, for the time being, comparatively safe, mainly because theywere over deep ocean; in this way part of the Royal Navy was savedand was able then to break through the newt blockade of Malta andgather over the depths of the Ionian Sea; but even these units weresoon sought out by the newts in their mini-submarines and sunk one byone. Within six weeks the United Kingdom had lost four fifths of itstotal tonnage. John Bull was given another moment in history todisplay his famous doggedness. His Majesty's Government refused tonegotiate with the newts and did not call off its ban on giving themany supplies. "An Englishman," declared the prime minister on behalfof the entire nation, "will protect animals but will not haggle withthem." Just a few weeks later there was a desperate shortage offoodstuffs in the British Isles. The last few scraps of bread andlast few spoonfuls of tea or milk were reserved for the children toconsume each day; the British nation bore it with exemplary dignity,despite having sunk so low that they had even eaten all theirracehorses. The Prince of Wales dug the first furrow in the greensof the Royal Golf Club with his own hand so that carrots could begrown there for the orphans in London. Wimbledon tennis courts wereturned over to the cultivation of potatoes, and wheat was sown overthe race course at Ascot. "We can endure the greatest of sacrifices," the leader of the Conservative Party declared in parliament, "butBritish honour is something we will never give up."

The blockade of British coasts was total, and so England was leftwith only one way of obtaining supplies and maintainingcommunications, and that was by air. "We need a hundred thousandaircraft," the minister for aviation declared, and all forces wereapplied to fulfilling this edict; but then the governments of otherEuropean powers raised bitter protests that this would disturb thebalance of power in the skies; the government of the United Kingdomwould have to abandon its plans and promise never to build more thantwenty thousand aircraft and even that not within the next fiveyears. They would simply have to remain hungry or pay horrifyingprices for foodstuffs supplied by the aircraft of other states; aloaf of bread cost ten shillings, a rat sausage one guinea, a box ofcaviar twenty-five pounds sterling. This was simply a golden age forbusiness, industry and agriculture on the continent. All militaryshipping had been removed at the very start of hostilities, and sothe war against the newts had to be carried out on dry land and fromthe air. Armies fired into the water with their cannons and machineguns but without, it seemed, doing the newts any serious harm;although the bombs dropped into the sea from aircraft seemed somewhatmore successful. The newts responded by firing on British ports fromtheir underwater cannons, reducing them to piles of rubble. Theyeven fired on London from the Thames Estuary; then the chiefs ofstaff tried to attack the salamanders with harmful bacteria,petroleum and acid poured into the Thames and several other bays andestuaries. The newts responded by releasing a cloak of poisonous gasover a hundred miles of British coastline. It was no more than ademonstration, but it was enough; for the first time in history theBritish government was forced to call on foreign powers to interveneon its behalf, citing the ban on the use of poisonous gas inwarfare.

That night, the rasping, angry and heavy voice of Chief Salamanderwas heard once again on the airwaves: "Hello you people! Englandmust stop its foolishness! If you poison our water we will poisonyour air. We use no more than your own weapons. We are notbarbarians. We have no wish to wage war with people. All we wish isto be allowed to live. We offer you peace. You will supply us withyour products and sell us your land. We are willing to pay youwell. We offer you more than peace. We offer you trade. We offeryou gold for your land. Hello, calling the government of GreatBritain. Tell me your price for the southern part of Lincolnshirearound The Wash. You have three days to consider the matter. Forthis period I will suspend all hostilities apart from theblockades."

At that moment the rumbling of underwater cannons off the coastsof England ceased. The land cannons were also silent. There was astrange, almost eerie quiet. The British government declared inparliament that it had no intention of negotiating with animals. Theresidents of south Lincolnshire were warned that there was cleardanger of a major attack by the newts and that they should evacuatecoastal areas and move inland; the trains, cars and buses provided,however, carried only children and some women. All the men remainedwhere they were; it simply did not enter their heads that anEnglishman might lose the land he lives on. One minute after thethree-day truce had expired the shooting began; these were shots fromEnglish cannons fired by the Loyal North Lancashire Regiment to thesound of the regimental march, The Red Rose. There was then thethunder of an enormous explosion. The mouth of the River Nene wasflooded up as far as Wisbech and the whole of the area around TheWash was inundated by the sea. A number of notable sites collapsedinto the water, including the famous Wisbech Abbey, Holland Castleand the George and Dragon.

The following day the British government answered questions inparliament: all military measures for the protection of Britishcoasts had been taken; the possibility of further and much moreextensive attacks on British soil could not be excluded; that HisMajesty's Government was nonetheless unable to negotiate with anenemy which was unwilling even to spare civilians and women.(Agreement) This was a time that would not merely determine the fateof England, but of the entire civilised world. The United Kingdomwould be willing to enter into international agreements which wouldlimit these terrible and barbaric attacks which threaten the futureof mankind itself.

Some weeks later, the nations of the world met together inVaduz.

The conference took place in Vaduz because in the height of theAlps there was no danger from the newts and because most of theworld's most powerful and socially important people had already fledthere from coastal areas. It was generally agreed that theconference progressed quickly to reach solutions to all the worlds'current problems. Every country (with the exceptions of Switzerland,Afghanistan, Bolivia and some other land-locked countries) agreedemphatically not to recognise the newts as an independent militarypower, mainly because they would then have to acknowledge their ownnewts as members of a salamander state; it was even possible that asalamander state of this sort would want to exercise its sovereigntyover all the shores and waters occupied by newts. For this reason itwas legally and practically impossible to declare war against thenewts or put any other sort of international pressure on them; eachstate would have the right to take measures only against its ownnewts; it would be a purely internal matter. This meant that it wasimpossible to speak of any collective diplomatic or military campaignagainst the newts. Any state that came under attack from thesalamanders could receive international aid only in the form ofoverseas loans for them to help defend themselves.

At this, England put forward the proposal that every state shouldat least bind itself to stop supplying the newts with weapons orexplosives. After full consideration the proposal was turned down,mainly because those obligations were already contained in the LondonConvention; secondly because it would not be possible to prevent anystate from providing its newts with equipment and weaponry to defendits own shores "according to its needs"; and thirdly, seafaringnations would "understandably wish to maintain good relations withresidents of the sea", so that it was deemed appropriate "not to beprecipitate in taking any measure that the newts might feel to berepressive"; every state was nonetheless willing to promise to supplyweaponry and explosives to any state under attack from the newts.

A suggestion put forward by the Colombian delegates in privatesession, that at least unofficial negotiations with the newts shouldtake place, was accepted. Chief Salamander was to be invited to sendhis representatives to the conference. Great Britain protestedloudly at this and refused outright to sit at the same table with thenewts; but in the end the British delegation had to be content todepart, temporarily, to Engadin, for reasons of health. That night,all seafaring powers sent out an invitation to His Excellency ChiefSalamander to name his representatives and send them to Vaduz. Theanswer was a rasping "Yes; this time we will come to meet you; nexttime we will expect your delegates to come into the water to meetme." The official announcement followed: "The accredited newtrepresentatives will arrive in two days time at Buchs station by theOrient Express."

Every preparation for the arrival of the newts was made with allhaste; the most luxurious bathrooms in the city were prepared forthem and a special train was chartered to bring cisterns of sea waterfor the newt delegates to bathe in. The reception for them thatevening at the railway station in Vaduz had been meant to beunofficial, but it was still attended by many of the delegates'secretaries, representatives of government offices and around twohundred journalists, photographers and film makers. At exactlytwenty-five minutes past six the Orient Express arrived at thestation and came to a halt beside the red carpet. From the salooncar emerged three tall and elegant gentlemen with a number ofsophisticated-looking secretaries carrying heavy briefcases. "Whereare the newts, then?" somebody muttered. Two or three officials wentforward uncertainly to meet the three gentlemen; but the first of thegentlemen had already begun, quickly and quietly, to say, "We are thenewt delegation. I'm Professor van Dott from The Hague.Maître Rosso Castelli, avocat de Paris. Doctor ManoelCarvalho, avocado of Lisbon." The officials bowed and introducedthemselves.

"So you are not newts, then," the French secretary said with asigh.

"Of course we are not newts," said Dr. Castelli. We are theirlawyers. Excuse me, but I think these gentlemen might want to takesome photographs." And then the photographers and newsreel makerstook a great many pictures of the smiling newt delegation. Thesecretaries of the legatees already present also showed theirpleasure. It was, after all, only reasonable and proper that thenewts should send human beings to represent them. Human beings wereeasier to deal with. And most of all, it would avoid certain socialunpleasantnesses. The first discussions with the newts' delegatestook place that same night, addressing the question of how to renewpeace with the United Kingdom as soon as possible. Professor vanDott asserted that there was no question that the newts had comeunder attack from Great Britain; the British gunboat, Erebus, hadfired on the newts radio ship on the open sea; the British admiraltyhad broken peaceful trading with the newts by preventing theAmenhotep from unloading the cargo of explosives they had ordered;thirdly, the British government had instigated a blockade against thenewts by its ban on their receiving any supplies of any sort. Thenewts were unable to make a complaint about these hostile acts eitherat The Hague, because the London Convention denied them the right tomake any complaint, or in Geneva, because the newts were not a memberof the United Nations; they were therefore left with no alternativebut to defend themselves. Chief Salamander was nonetheless willingto end hostilities under, of course, the following conditions: 1. TheUnited Kingdom was to apologise for the offences cited above; 2. Allrestrictions on supplies to the newts were to be lifted; 3. Ascompensation, the newts were to be ceded the lowland areas of thePunjab where they would create new bays and shorelines. The chairmanof the conference stated that he would pass these conditions on tohis honourable friend, the representative of the United Kingdom, whowas currently unable to attend; however he made no secret of his fearthat Britain would find these conditions difficult to accept; but wecould all hope that they might be the starting point for furthernegotiations.

Next on the agenda was the complaint by France about the newtshaving caused explosions on the coast of Sengambia, thus interferingin a French colonial dependency. This was answered by the famousParisian lawyer, Dr. Julien Rosso Castelli. "Prove it!" he said.Seismographs around the world indicate that the earthquake inSenegambia was of volcanic origin and was connected with volcanicactivity in Mount Pico on the island of Fogo. "Here in thisdossier," he declared as he slapped his hand against it, "are all thescientific proofs you need. If, on the other hand, you have anyproof that the earthquake in Senegambia was caused by any activity ofmy clients, then we await them with interest."

BELGIAN DELEGATE, CREUX: Your Chief Salamander declared himselfthat it was done by the newts"

PROFESSOR VAN DOTT: His speech was not official.

M. ROSSO CASTELLI: We are authorised by our clients to deny thecontents of that speech. I request that expert witnesses be heard onwhether the technology is available to create a fissure in the Earthscrust sixty-seven kilometres long. I suggest they should try theexperiment of creating such a fissure. Unless, gentlemen, you haveproof of the opposite, then we will be forced to talk of volcanicactivity. Nevertheless, the bay created in Senegambia would besuitable for settlement by a population of newts and Chief Salamanderis willing to purchase it from the government of France. We areauthorised by our clients to negotiate a price.

FRENCH DELEGATE, MINISTER DEVAL: If this is understood to be anoffer of compensation for the damage caused, then we are willing todiscuss the matter.

M. ROSSO CASTELLI: Very well. Although the newt government doesrequest that the contract of purchase cover also the territory of theLandes, extending from the mouth of the Gironde as far as Bayonne, anarea covering six thousand seven hundred square kilometres. In otherwords, the newt government is willing to buy this piece of land insouthern France.

MINISTER DEVAL (native of Bayonne, member of parliament forBayonne): So that these salamanders of yours turn part of France intoseabed? Never! Never!

DR. ROSSO CASTELLI: France will come to regret these words ofyours, monsieur. Today we have still been talking of purchase.

At this, the session was brought to an end.

The subject of the next meeting was a substantial internationaloffer made to the newts: to cause damage to established and denselypopulated was unacceptable, but they would be able to build newshores and islands for themselves; in which case they could beassured of substantial loans to cover the costs; the new lands andisland would then be recognised as their independent and sovereignterritory.

DR. MANOEL CARVALHO, renowned lawyer from Lisbon, offered histhanks for this proposal which he would convey to the newts; but anychild could understand, he said, that building new land would takemuch longer and cost far more than demolishing old land. Our clientsare in need of new bays and shorelines as soon as possible; it is forthem a matter of life and death. It would be better for mankind toaccept Chief Salamander's generous offer of buying the world from thehuman beings instead of taking it by force. Our clients have found away of extracting the gold contained in seawater; so that they havealmost unlimited means; they would be able to pay for your world verywell, very well indeed. You would do well to bear in mind that, fromtheir point of view, the price of the world will become lower withtime, especially if--as might well be expected--any furthervolcanic or tectonic disasters take place which might well be farlarger than anything we have been witness to so far, and these mightwell substantially reduce the size of the continents. Today youstill have the opportunity to sell the world while it is still itspresent size; when there is nothing left above water but the ruins ofa few mountains no-one will want to pay you a penny for it. I amhere as representative and legal advisor for the newts, and it is myduty to defend their interests; but I am also a human being just likeyourselves, gentlemen, and the well-being of mankind is just as closeto my heart as it is to yours. This is why I advise you, indeed Iimplore you: Sell the continents before it is too late! You can sellthem as a whole or sell them country by country. Everyone now isaware of Chief Salamander's generosity and modernity; he gives hisassurance that in the course of these unavoidable changes to be madeto the surface of the Earth everything possible will be done toprotect human life; the continents will be flooded in stages and in away that will avoid any panic or unnecessary catastrophe. We havebeen authorised to negotiate either with the this illustrious worldconference as a whole or with individual states. The presence ofsuch outstanding lawyers such as Professor van Dott andMaître Julien Rosso Castelli is your assurance that weare concerned not only to defend the legitimate interests of ourclients but will also co-operate closely with yourselves to protectthose things that are dearest to us all; human culture and the goodof all mankind.

The atmosphere of the conference had become somewhat tense whenanother proposal was put forward: that the salamander should beallowed to flood and occupy central China; in return for which thenewts would bind themselves in perpetuity to stay away from theshores of Europe and its population.

DR. ROSSO CASTELLI: In perpetuity, that is rather a long time.Let us say for a period of twenty years.

PROFESSOR VAN DOTT: Central China is not a very large area. Letus say the provinces of Nganhuei, Honan, Kiangsu, Chi-li andFung-tien.

The Japanese representative protested at the ceding of Fung-tienwhich lay in the Japanese sphere of interest. The Chinese delegatesaid something, but nobody, unfortunately, was able to understandhim. There was an air of growing anxiety in the negotiating chamber;it was already one o'clock in the morning.

Just then the secretary to the Italian delegation came into theroom and whispered something into the ear of the Italianrepresentative, Count Tosti. The count turned pale, stood up, andalthough the Chinese delegate, Dr. Ti, was still speaking, he calledout hoarsely: "Mister Chairman, may I say something. Reports havejust come through that the newts have flooded part of the region ofVenice near Portogruaro."

There was a chill silence, broken only by the Chinese delegate whowas still speaking.

"Chief Salamander did warn you of this long ago," grumbled Dr.Carvalho.

Professor van Dott turned impatiently and raised his hand."Mister Chairman, may we return to the subject at hand. We werediscussing the province of Fung-tien. We have been authorised tooffer the Japanese government compensation for it in the form ofgold. The question following on from that is what our clients wouldreceive from the states concerned for the task of evacuatingChina."

At that moment, radio hams were listening to the newts broadcast."You have just been listening to the barcarolle from The Tales ofHoffmann on gramophone records," the announcer rasped. "Hello,hello, we are now transferring you to Venice."

And then, all that could be heard was a black and fathomlesssoughing, like the sound of rising water.

Chapter 10

MR. POVONDRA BLAMES HIMSELF

Who would have thought so much time had flowed by? Our Mr.Povondra isn't even the doorman any more at G.H. Bondy's house; now,you might say, he is a venerable old man who can enjoy the fruits ofhis old and industrious life in peace as a pensioner; although hispension doesn't go very far these times of high wartime prices! Hestill goes out now and then to do some fishing; sitting in his boatwith his fishing rod and watching how the water flows by day afterday and all the things that go by with it! Sometimes he hooks adace, sometimes a bass; there seem to be more of them nowadays, maybebecause all the rivers are so much shorter. Mind you, there'snothing wrong with a nice bass; It's a bit boney sometimes, but theflesh is nice, tastes a bit like almonds. And mother knows just howto cook it. What Mr. Povondra doesn't know, though, is that motherusually uses those newspaper cuttings that he used to collect andarrange for the fire to cook the bass. He didn't keep up hiscollection, though, not went he started taking his pension; he gothimself an fish tank instead where he keeps some goldfish; and hekeeps some little newts in there too; sits there for hours, he does,watching them as they lay in the water without moving, or climbingout onto the little bank he made them with some gravel; then hellturn round and say: "Who'd have thought it, mother?" But you've gotto do more than just sit there and watch, that's why Mr. Povondratook up keeping fish. Keep yourself busy, you've always got to keepyourself busy, thought Mother Povondra contentedly. Better than ifhe went out drinking or got involved in politics.

A lot of water, truly a lot of water had flowed under the bridgeson the Vltava. Even little Frank isn't at school learning aboutgeography any more, he's not even a young man tearing his socks as herushes after the silly things young men rush after. He's gettingolder himself, young Frank; he's got himself a good job at the postoffice, he has, so it's turned out quite useful that he did learn allthat geography. He's starting to get a bit of sense too, thought Mr.Povondra as he guided his boat out onto the water by one of thebridges. Hell be coming round, today; it's Sunday and he won't beworking. I'll take him out in the boat and we can go upstream up tothe tip of Střelecký Island; the fishbite better up there; and Frank can tell me all about what's in thepapers. Then we can go back home to his wife and the two nippers--it wasn't long since Mr. Povondra had relaxed into the quiet joy ofbeing a grandfather. Mind you, it was already a year now sincelittle Marie had started school, she likes school; and there waslittle Frank, his grandson, nearly weighs five stone already, hedoes. Mr. Povondra had a strong and deep feeling that everything wasright with the world.

But there was Frank waiting on the bank waving to him, and Mr.Povondra rowed over. "Glad you've come, mind you it's no more thanyou should do," he added. "Mind you don't fall in the waternow."

"Are they biting?" his son asked.

"Not really," the old man grumbled. "Lets go upstream a bit,shall we?"

It was a pleasant Sunday afternoon; still not time when thosemadmen and layabouts all come out from their football matches orwhatever else they do. Prague was empty and quiet; the few peoplewho wandered along the sides of the river and over the bridgesweren't in any hurry as they ambled along decently and with dignity.They were decent reasonable people, not like those crowds who gatherand laugh at the fishermen on the Vltava. Once again, FatherPovondra had that nice deep feeling that all was well with theworld.

"What's in the papers then, Son?" he asked with the curtness of afather.

"Nothing much, Dad," his son answered. "I saw that those newtshave got up as far as Dresden, though."

"Germanys had it then," Mr. Povondra asserted. "They're funnypeople you know, those Germans. They're well educated, but they'refunny. I knew a German once, chauffeur he was for some factory; andhe wasn't half coarse, this German. Mind you, he kept the car ingood condition, I'll say that for him. And now look, Germanysdisappearing from the map of the world," Mr. Povondra ruminated."And all that fuss they used to make! Terrible, it was: everythingfor the army and everything for the soldiers. But not even they wereany match for these newts. And I know about these newts, you knowthat, don't you. Remember when I took you out to show you one ofthem when you were only so high?"

"Watch out, Dad," said his son, "you've got a bite."

"That's only a tiddler," the old man grumbled as he twitched onhis rod. Even Germany now, he thought to himself. No-one even batsan eyelid at it these days. What a song and dance they used to makeat first whenever these newts flooded anywhere! Even if it was onlyMesopotamia or China, the papers were full of it. Not like that now,Mr. Povondra contemplated sadly, staring out at his rod. You getused to anything, I suppose. At least they're not here, though; butI wish the prices weren't so high! Think what they charge for coffeethese days! I suppose that's what you have to expect if they go andflood Brazil. If part of the world disappears underwater it has itseffect in the shops.

The float on Mr. Povondra's line danced about on the ripples ofthe water. How much of the world is it they've flooded so far then?,the old man considered. There's Egypt and India and China--they'veeven gone into Russia; and that was a big country, that was, Russia!When you think, all the way up from the Black Sea as far the ArcticCircle--all water! You can't say they haven't taken a lot of ourland from us! And their only going slowly...

"Up as far as Dresden then, you say?" the old man spoke up.

"Ten miles short of Dresden. That means almost the whole ofSaxony will soon be under water."

"I went there once with Mr. Bondy," Father Povondra told him."Ever so rich, they were there, Frank. The food wasn't much goodthough. Nice people, though. Much better than the Prussians. Nocomparison."

"Prussia's gone now as well, though."

"I'm not surprised," the old man said regretfully. "I don't likethose Prussians. It's good for the French, though, if Germanys introuble. Give them a chance for some peace, now."

"I don't think so, Dad," Frank objected. "They were saying in thepapers not long ago how a good third of France is under water now."Mr. Povondra sighed deeply.

"There was a Frenchman working for us at Mr. Bondy's, a servant,Jean his name was. And he was a one for the ladies, ruddy disgraceit was. See, it always comes back to you if you're not responsible,like that."

"But they say the newts are within ten miles of Paris," his son,Frank, told him. "They had tunnels everywhere and then blew thewhole place up. They slaughtered two army divisions, they say."

"They make good soldiers, the French," said Mr. Povondra with theair of an expert. "That Jean never used to put up with anythingeither. I don't what made him like that. Smelt just like a perfumeshop, but if he got into a fight he really would fight. But twodivisions in the newts' army--that's not much really. When youthink about it," the old man considered, "people were better off whenthey were fighting with other people. And it didn't take them allthis time either. It's twenty years it's been going on with thenewts, now, and still nothing's happened, they're still makingpreparations for getting the best positions. But when I think ofwhen I was a young man, now those were battles! Three million peoplethere were on one side and three million on the other," and the oldman gesticulated and made the boat rock, "and then it was a Hell of abattle when they got together--but they can't even get themselves aproper war these days. They've always got the same concreteembankments up and never even come together with bayonets. Not a bitof it!"

"But newts and people can't go into battle like that, Dad," saidPovondra junior in defence of the modern style of warfare. "Youjust can't make a bayonet charge underwater."

"You're quite right," grumbled Mr. Povondra with contempt. "Theyjust can't get together properly. But put an army of people againstan army of people, and then you'll see what they can do. And what doyou know about war, anyway?"

"I just hope they don't come here," said Frank, ratherunexpectedly. "When you've got kids, you know..."

"What do you mean, come here," asked the startled Mr. Povondrasenior. "What, here, all the way to Prague, you mean?"

"Not just Prague, anywhere in the country," the worried Povondrajunior replied. "If the newts have already got as far as Dresdenthen I think..."

"You think too much, you do," Mr. Povondra reprimanded him. "Howwould they get here? What, across all these mountains surroundingthe country?"

"They could come up the Elbe and from there up into theVltava."

At this idea, Father Povondra snorted in disgust. "Don't talkrubbish! Up the Elbe? They might get some of the way up but not allthe way. It's all rocks and mountains in the way. I've been there,I've seen them. Not a bit of it, the newts won't get here, well bealright. And Switzerland too, they'll be alright too. It's cause wehaven't got any coastline, see, big advantage that is. It's if yourcountry borders on the sea, that's when your in trouble."

"But there's sea now as close as Dresden..."

"That's Germany, that is," the old man retorted. "That's theirbusiness. But the newts can't get as far as us, it stands toreason. They'd have to get all the mountains out the way first; andI don't think you've got much idea how much work that'd be!"

"Well that's nothing for them," young Mr. Povondra objectedgloomily. "They do that sort of thing all the time! Think ofGuatemala; they flooded a whole range of mountains there."

"Down there it's different," said the old man confidently. "Don'ttalk such rubbish, Frank! That was down in Guatemala, not here inEurope. Things are different here." Young Mr. Povondra sighed.

"As you say, Dad. But when you think that those horrors havealready flooded about a fifth of all the land..."

"Only where it's next to the sea, you daft ha'p'orth, not anywhereelse. You just don't understand about politics. It's thosecountries that are next to the sea, they're the ones that have beenat war with the newts, not us. Were neutral, we are, and that's whythey can't do anything against us. That's just how it is. And nowkeep quiet for a bit, else we won't catch anything."

Over the water was peace and quiet. The trees onStřelecký Island already cast long anddelicate shadows on the surface of the Vltava. Trams jangled overthe bridge, nannies pushing prams ambled along the banks, the peopleout on this Sunday afternoon were gay and friendly...

"Dad?" exclaimed young Povondra, almost like a child.

"What is it?"

"Is that a catfish there?"

"Where?" Out of the river, just by the National Theatre, thereprotruded a large black head moving slowly upstream.

"Is that a catfish," Povondra junior said again. The old man putdown his fishing rod.

"That there?" he exclaimed, pointing at it with a shaking finger."That?" The black head disappeared under the water. "That wasn't acatfish, Frank," explained the old man in a voice that hardly seemedhis own. "We might as well go home, now. We've all had it."

"Had what?"

"A newt. That was a newt, they're here. Lets go home," herepeated as he fumbled to put his rod away. "We've all had it."

"You're shaking," said Frank anxiously. "What's wrong?"

"Lets just go home," the old man stuttered crossly as his chinquivered. "I'm cold. I'm cold. That's all we needed! We've hadit. They're here now. Oh Christ it's cold! I want to go home."

Young Mr. Povondra glanced at him quizzically and took hold of theoars. "I'll take there you, Dad," he said in a worried voice anddrove the boat to the island with a few strong strokes of the oars."Just leave it, I'll tie the boat up."

"Whys it so cold?" the old man wondered as his teethchattered.

"I'll keep hold of you, Dad. Just come with me," he urged as hetook him by the arm. "I think you must have caught a cold on thewater. It was just a piece of wood, that's all." The old man wasshaking like a leaf.

"Piece of wood? Don't give me that! I know what I saw! It was anewt! Let go of me!" Mr. Povondra junior did something he had neverdone in his life before; he hailed a taxi and pushed his father in ashe told the driver where to go.

"I'll take you, Dad, it's getting late."

"It's already too late," his father raved. "It's much too late.We've all had it, Frank. That wasn't a piece of wood. That wasthem!" When they got home, young Mr. Povondra almost had to carryhis father up the stairs.

"Get the bed ready, Mum," he whispered quickly at the door."We've got to put Dad to bed, he's been taken ill all of asudden."

So there was Father Povondra lying under the bedclothes; his nosepeeking strangely out from his face and his lips murmuring andmumbling something that could not be understood; how old he looked,how old! Then he became a little calmer...

"Are you feeling better now, Dad?" At the foot of the bed wasMother Povondra, her hand to her mouth and weeping into her apron;their daughter in law was tending the stove and the children, Frankand Marie, gazed wide-eyed at their grandfather as if they hardlyknew him. "Are you sure you don't want a doctor, Dad?" FatherPovondra looked at the children and whispered something; then hiseyes suddenly filled with tears. "Is there anything you need,Dad?"

"Yes, yes there is something," the old man whispered. "Somethingyou ought to know. It's all my fault. If only I'd never let thatsea captain in to see Mr. Bondy, if I'd never let him in, all thiswould never have happened..."

"It's alright, nothing's happened, Dad," young Povondra tried tosoothe him.

"You don't understand these things," the old man gasped. "We'veall had it, don't you see that? It's the end of the world. It'sgoing to be all sea even here, even here now that the newts arehere. And it's all my fault; I should never have let that seacaptain in to see Mr. Bondy. Everyone ought to know, they ought toknow whose fault it all is."

"Nonsense," his son replied sharply. "You shouldn't be thinkinglike this, Dad. It's everyone's fault. It's governments' fault,it's big business's fault. Everyone wanted to have all the newtsthey could get. We all wanted to get as much out of the newts as wecould. That's why we sent them all those weapons and all that--it'sall our faults."

Mr. Povondra looked up crossly. "It always used to be nothing butsea, and that's how it's going to be again. It's the end of theworld. Somebody told me once that even Prague was seabed once. Ithink it must have been the newts that did it then as well. I shouldnever have let that sea captain in to see Mr. Bondy. There wassomething that kept telling me, don't do it, and then I thought tomyself, perhaps I'll get a tip from this sea captain. And then, henever did. That's how you destroy the whole world you see, all fornothing..." The old man gulped back something like a tear. "Iknow, I know full well, we've all had it. It's the end of the world,and it's all my fault..."

"Grandfather, wouldn't you like to have some tea?" asked the youngMrs. Povondra sympathetically.

"All I want," the old man sighed, "all I want is for thesechildren to forgive me."

Chapter 11

THE AUTHOR TALKS TO HIMSELF

"Well you can't just leave it like that, can you!" the authorsinternal voice declared.

Well, why not? asked the author, rather unsure of himself.

"You mean you're going to let Mr. Povondra die like that?"

Well I don't want to do it like that but, well, Mr. Povondra's anold man after all, he must be well over seventy...

"And you're going to leave him to die in a state of mental torturelike that? Can't you even say something like But Grandad, it's notas bad as all that, the newts won't destroy the world, mankind willsave itself, just you wait and see? Surely there's something you cando for him!"

I suppose I could get a doctor for him, the author suggested.Suppose the old man has had an attack of nerves; or at that age hecould have had a lung inflammation, which, thanks be to God, hesurvives; and he could still sit little Marie on his knee and askwhat she's been learning in school. All the joys of old age, I couldlet the old man have all the joys of old age.

"Fine sort of joys of old age that is," the internal voicesneered. "Hell hug the child with his ancient hands and all the timehell be thinking--thinking with horror--that one day shell befleeing from the rush of water inexorably flooding the whole world;hell wrinkle his bushy brow and whisper in a voice of dread: That'swhat I did, Marie, that's what I did. Listen, do you really want tohave the whole of mankind destroyed?"

The author frowned. Don't ask me what I want. Do you think Iwanted to see the continents where people live reduced to rubble, doyou think I wanted it to end like this? That was just the logicalcourse of events; what could I have done to stop that? I dideverything I could; I gave people enough warning; what about that X,that was partly me. I warned them, don't give the newts weapons andexplosives, stop this vile trading in salamanders, and so on--andyou saw how it all turned out. They all had a thousand good economicand political reasons why they couldn't stop. I'm not a politicianor a businessman; how am I supposed to persuade them about thesethings. What are we supposed to do; quite likely the world willcollapse and disappear under water; but at least that will happen forpolitical and economic reasons we can all understand, at least itwill happen with the help of science technology and public opinion,with human ingenuity of all sorts! Not some cosmic catastrophe butjust the same old reasons to do with the struggle for power and moneyand so on. There's nothing we can do about that.

The internal voice was quiet for a while. "And don't you feelsorry for mankind?"

Hold on, not so fast! Nobody's saying the whole of mankind hasto be destroyed. All the newts want is more shoreline where they canlive and lay their eggs. Maybe what they'll do is turn thecontinents into lots of long strings so that there's as muchshoreline as possible. What if there are still some people survivingon these strips of land? And there they can work metal and otherthings for the salamanders. As the newts can't work with firethemselves, can they.

"So mankind will be put into the service of the newts."

Yes, if that's what you want to call it. They'll simply beworking in factories like they do now. They'll just have differentmasters, that's all. So that means it might not be so differentafter all...

"And don't you feel sorry for mankind?"

Oh, just leave me alone, for Gods sake! What am I supposed to doabout it? It is what the people wanted, don't forget; they allwanted to have newts, they wanted commerce, industry and technology;civil authorities and military authorities, they all wanted it; evenPovondra junior said so: it's all of our faults. How do you think Icould not feel sorry for mankind, anyway? And most of all, I feltsorry for them when I saw how, of their own free will and whateverthe cost, how they were hurtling to their own perdition. It'd beenough to make anyone scream. He'd shout and raise his hands as ifhe'd seen a train going down the wrong track. And now it can't bestopped. The newts are going to keep on multiplying on and on and onand they'll go on demolishing the old continents on and on. Thinkwhat it was that Wolf Meynert said about the newts: that peoplewould have to make way for them; and it would only be the salamandersthat would create a world that was happy, unified and uniform...

"Oh come on, now! Wolf Meynert? Wolf Meynert was an intellectual.Did you think up something so vile and murderous and nonsensical,that no intelectual would want to use it to save the world? Never mind,leave it. What do you think Marie might be doing now?"

Marie? I suppose she's out playing somewhere. Don't make a noise, theytold her, Grandad's asleep. But she doesn't know what to do and she isbored.

"And what's she actually doing?"

Don't know. Maybe she's trying to touch her nose with the tip ofher tongue.

"There, you see? And you'd let something like a new Great Floodcome along."

Just stop it, will you. I can't work miracles. What has tohappen will happen! Things run along their inevitable course. Andeven that's reassuring in its way: that everything that happens hasits own necessity and follows certain rules.

"Couldn't the newts be stopped in some way?"

No. There are too many of them. They've got to have room to livein.

"What about if they all died out in some way? Something like somekind of epidemic or degeneration..."

No, that's too cheap and easy. Why should nature have to putright what's been done by man? See?--not even you think they coulddo anything to save themselves now. You basically think somethingwill come along from somewhere else. I'll tell you something: do youknow who it is that still--even now when a fifth of Europe isalready underwater--is still providing the newts with explosives andtorpedoes and drills? Do you know who it is that's workingfeverishly in all the laboratories, trying to find even moreeffective machines and materials for sweeping the world out ofexistence? Do you know who it is who's lending the newts money, whoit is who's financing the end of the world, this new Flood?

"Yes, I know. All the factories. All the banks. All thecountries in the world."

Well then! If it was just newts against people it might bepossible to do something; but when it's people against people thenthere's no way of stopping it, is there.

"Hold on, people against people! I've just thought of something.What if it was newts against newts?"

Newts against newts. How do you mean?

"Well what if for instance...if there are too many newts theymight start squabbling about some tiny stretch of coast or some bayor something; then they can start fighting about bigger and biggerlengths of coast until they get into a big struggle about all thecoastlines in the world, eh? Newts against newts! How's that,wouldn't that follow the natural course of events?"

Er, no, that wouldn't work. You can't have newts fighting withnewts. That wouldn't be natural. The newts are just onespecies.

"Well people are just one species too, aren't they. And it'snever stopped them fighting with each other; all the same species andthink of all the excuses for war they've used! It hasn't had to beabout space to live in, it's been about power, prestige, influence,fame, resources and I don't know what else! Why couldn't the newtsstart fighting among themselves about something like prestige?"

Why would they do that? What do you think they'd get out ofit?

"Nothing, except that some of them would get more coast to live onfor a short time and a bit more power than the others. And thenafter a while it'd be the other way round."

And why would some have more power than the others? They're allthe same, after all, they're all newts; they've all got the sameskeleton, they're all as ugly as each other and all as mediocre aseach other. What would make them start killing each other? Justtell me what you think it is that they might start fightingover.

"Just leave them to it and they'll soon find something. Ifthere's one group living on the western shore and another on theeastern, they'll probably start to despise each other in the name ofWest against East. And, here you've got the European salamanderswhile down there there are the African; it'd be strange if one lotdidn't want to be better than the others! So they can go and teachthe others a lesson in the name of civilisation, or expansionism or Idon't know what: they're bound to think of some kind of ideal orpolitical reason which means that newts on one shore will have to goand beat up the newts on the other shore. The salamanders are ascivilised as we are, don't forget; they won't be short of argumentsto do with power or commercial interests or legal rights or cultureof some such."

And they've got plenty of weapons. Don't forget they'refantastically well armed.

"Yep, they've got plenty of weapons. And they could learn how itis that history's made from the example given by people, couldn'tthey!"

Hold on a sec., hold on. (The author jumps up and starts to paceexcitedly around his study.) You're right, it would be strange ifthey didn't do it! I can see it now. You only need to look at themap of the world--where's that map, I've got one here somewhere,where is it?

"There it is."

Right. So here's the Atlantic, there's the Mediterranean, theNorth Sea. Europe here, America there--so this here is the cradleof culture and modern civilisation. And somewhere there is thesunken city of Atlantis...

"And now that's where the newts are flooding Atlantis all overagain."

That's it. And here is...the Pacific, the Indian Ocean. Theancient and mysterious Orient. The cradle of civilisation, as theysay. And somewhere here, somewhere to the east of Africa, is themythical island of Lemuria that was flooded. Sumatra, and a bit tothe east of Sumatra...

"The little island of Tana Masa. The cradle of the newts."

Exactly. And that's where King Salamander, the spiritual leaderof all the newts, has his court. Captain van Toch's tapa-boys stilllive there, the original newts in the Pacific, and still half wild.So this is their Orient. The whole area is called Lemuria now, whilethe other area, the civilised, Europeanised or Americanised areawhere they use all the modern technology, that's Atlantis. So ChiefSalamander rules there as a dictator, the great conqueror, soldierand inventor, the Genghis Khan of the newts and destroyer of dryland. Now he will be a magnificent figure.

("...but, do you think he's really a newt?")

(...No. Chief Salamander is human. His real name is AndreasSchultze, and he took part in the Great War as an NCO somewhere)

("So that's it!")

(Yes, that's it, now you've got it.) So there's Atlantis here,Lemuria there. They form two different groups because of geography,administration, cultural differences...

"...and national differences. Don't forget about nationaldifferences. The Lemurian salamanders speak Pidgin English, whereasthe Atlantic ones speak Basic English."

Yes, alright. As time goes by, the Atlantic newts go through theold Suez Canal into the Indian Ocean...

"Naturally, the classic way to the East."

Right. And at the same time, the Lemurian newts press on aroundthe Cape of Good Hope to the western coast of what had been Africa,asserting that the whole of Africa is part of Lemuria.

"Naturally."

They use slogans such as, Lemuria for Lemurians, Out with theForeigners, and so on. A gulf of mistrust develops between Atlantaand Lemuria and old enmities are revived. Their hatred becomes amatter of life and death.

"Or else they develop into different nations."

Yes. The Atlantians despise the Lemurians and call them filthysavages; the Lemurians have a fanatical hatred for the Atlantiannewts and see them as imperialists, western devils, and corruptors ofthe ancient purity of newtdom. Chief Salamander forces the Lemuriansto grant concessions on their shores, supposedly in the interests oftrade and civilisation. King Salamander, the noble patriarch of theLemurians, has to grant these concessions against his will becausethey have less weapons. Things flare up in the mouth of the Tigris,not far from where Baghdad used to be: the native Lemurians attackthe Atlantian colonists, killing two of their officers, supposedlybecause of some insult to their nation. And as a result of that...

".. it leads to war. Naturally."

Yes, there's a world war of newts against newts.

"In the name of culture and decency."

And in the name of True Newtdom. In the name of Glory andGreatness. Their slogan is, It's us or them! The Lemurians, armedwith Malay kukries and daggers cut down the Atlantian intruderswithout mercy; but the Atlantian newts have been educated byEuropeans and are more advanced and release poisonous chemicals andspecially cultured bacteria into the Lemurian Sea and these weaponsare so effective they poison all the oceans of the world. The sea isinfected with artificially cultivated plague. And that's it. Allthe newts die.

"All of them?"

All of them. Down to the very last one. They'll become anextinct species. All that'll be left of them will be the old fossilof Andrias Scheuchzeri in ×hningen.

"And what about the people?"

The people? Oh, yes, the people. Well, bit by bit they start tocome back down from the hills back down to the coasts of what's leftof the continents; but the ocean will still be full of the stench ofdecomposing newts. The continents slowly grow back because of thesilt deposited by rivers; the sea is pushed back bit by bit, andeverything will be almost the same as it was before. There's a newlegend about a Great Flood sent by God to punish man for his sins.And there will be new legends about lands that disappeared under thewater, and these lands will have been the cradle of humancivilisation; and there will myths and legends about places likeEngland and France and Germany...

"And then?"

...and then, I don't really know.