Shimizu S-Pulse was aSports and recreation good articles nominee, but did not meet thegood article criteria at the time. There may be suggestions below for improving the article. Once these issues have been addressed, the article can berenominated. Editors may also seek areassessment of the decision if they believe there was a mistake.
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I have removed the tables for the competition records and just linked to the separate article as they make the page look bulky. I have also merged the World Cup players section into the Noted Players as I don't think that there needs to be a sparate section for World Cup players.
LARGE sections unreferenced. Including sections with opinion that need to be attributed. Examples only:
"The west of the prefecture was already home to the company team of Yamaha Motor Corporation who played in the Japan Soccer League and who would later go on to form Júbilo Iwata, but it was believed there was room for another team for the football-hungry population."
"This was a beginning which made them unique among the founding clubs of the J. League, with all others ex-company teams turned professional."
"In common with other J. League teams, S-Pulse have a colourful and noisy collection of supporters who follow the team around the country."
"As such, it wasn't able to enjoy the financial backing and security of other clubs."
"The most common reason for moving games is the restrictively low capacity of Nihondaira."
"This has remained a bone of contention between long standing fans."
Unencylopedic prose: Examples only again:
"... the wheels were put in motion to create a team to represent the east of the prefecture..."
"... another team for the football-hungry population..."
"However, the dream start ended with defeat at the hands...."
"Finally, in 1996 the team got their hands on the trophy..."
"Alongside off-field factors, S-Pulse and Júbilo are locked in a perpetual struggle for supremacy on the field."
"... despite demand for tickets far outstripping supply..."
Manual of Style issues:
The "Competitions record" section should have some prose or you need to just put the record in the see also section
We don't capitalize every word in the subheadings, so "Professional Football Comes to Shimizu" should be "Professional football comes to Shimizu", etc.
References - you have bare urls in the notes and some references are missing last access dates
WP:Easter egg links such as [[#League history|every year]] in the lead or the various [[J League 2005|2005]] are frowned on, as they are misleading to the reader, they don't get what they are expecting when they clickon the link.
No need for spaces between your text and your footnotes.
Prose concerns: Examples only
Lead:
"Formed as recently as 1991,..." Reads odd.
"This was a beginning which made them unique among the founding clubs of the J. League, with all others ex-company teams turned professional." Convoluted, need to rephrase to make it clearer
"... a date which is celebrated as the clubs memorial birthday." Memorial birthday? Just birthday is fine.
"A supporter band is present at games home and away to help galvanise support and raise the decibel levels." Convoluted again.
"Despite their relatively short history, S-Pulse have had some impact on popular culture beyond football." Should be "has had"
Lots and lots of passive voice. It makes the prose feel stilted.
"However, over their J. League history S-Pulse have, for various reasons such as construction works to enlarge Nihondaira, staged home games at a number of different sports grounds." convoluted
"The most common reason for moving games is the restrictively low capacity of Nihondaira." restrictively low is awkward...rephrase
"Located near the famous Miho no Matsubara, are S-Pulse's main training facilities." Don't believe it needs the comma.
Normally, I'd quick fail this article on the referencing issues alone. Given that you'd waited so long for a review, I'm not going to, but I have my doubts about the ability to fix all of these issues in the next 7 days. However, I've put the nomination on hold for seven days. Feel free to contact me on my talk page, or here with any concerns, and let me know one of those places when the issues have been addressed. If I may suggest that you strike out, check mark, or otherwise mark the items I've detailed, that will make it possible for me to see what's been addressed, and you can keep track of what's been done and what still needs to be worked on.Ealdgyth -Talk13:33, 7 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]
I'll do the rest of the review tomorrow, though ideally the above would be taken care of. Dove a little too much into copyright this weekend so I'm behind.Wizardman03:33, 27 May 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Here's some issues I found.
Here's a clearer picture of the links that are issues:[2] Namely, the dark red ones need fixing
I will get to work on this.
I see a couple blogspot references; what makes them reliable sources?
I feel these sources are reliable due to the scope of information within these sites, the perspective that is spoken from within the individual posts, and the nature of the information given.
"He resigned at the end of the season after failing to win any silverware " silverware is rather jargony, reword. Done
" Indeed, the prefectural police force of Shizuoka" Not really liking the indeed starting the sentence, if that could be reworded. Done
"the wheels were put in motion to create a team to represent the east of the prefecture and to give opportunities to the wealth of footballing talent produced by the local high school teams." would prefer a cite here since the tone is starting to get iffy.
Reworded; I now feel a reference in unneeded.
"a date which is celebrated as the clubs memorial birthday." club's Done
Citations for the club games in the club formation section would be nice, though perhaps not mandatory.
I have not been a chronologically regular author of this article, I simply spruced the article up a bit so that I could nominate it. With this being stated, I can't find any sources for the games.
"and finished third after the 1st and 2nd stages were combined[9]" forgot a period Done
"1999 began with S-Pulse's" paragraphs shouldn't start with years. Done
" Finally, in 1996 the team got their hands on the trophy and also gained revenge on Verdy, beating them 5-4 on penalties in the final.[10]" Now I'm confused, as it says in the lead that they never won a title. Am I missing something?
In the lead, it states the S-Pulse have never won the league title. This is separate from the league cup, which the S-Pulse has won once, in 1996.
Going to stop here since I'm starting to find more major issues that I'd like to see resolved before I continue. Hopefully this will be addressed soon enough.Wizardman03:23, 28 May 2013 (UTC)[reply]
For some reason I either have time or the ability to do the review, but never at the same time. However, I did find a big issue in the references. There are a lot of bare URLs, some with titles, some with publishers, very few with both. Make sure they all have at least those three things, and they should have accessdates so that if they do go bad, we know when a good archive could be found. This will probably take a couple days, so do that while I finish up the prose.Wizardman03:08, 2 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Aside from the above referencing issue, here is the rest of my concerns:
"After being approved for participation in the J. League[8]" comma after League
"However, the dream start ended" a bit pov; could a bit of detail go into said start if you're going to use that, or provide a citation?
A minor point, but you have multiple paragraphs starting with "In [year]..." in a row; try mixing it up a bit.
"It is considered by many Japanese" while that may be true, can't be using that weasel wording language; find a cite that specifically says that, making a quote out of said cite would be preferred in this case.
"However, early exits in both cup competitions in 2006 and 2007, means they are currently without a trophy for five years." not a fan of the dynamic present tense there, reword.
"In common with other J. League teams, S-Pulse have a colourful and noisy collection of supporters who follow the team around the country. A supporter band is present at games home and away to help galvanise support and raise the decibel levels. " Now that definitely needs citing
"and in 1998 only a drastic restructuring kept the club afloat." This is the only sentence that mentions anything at all about financial/structural difficulties. That's definitely something compelling that can be expanded on, I want to know more about that.
"At the start of 2007 in was announced" it was announced
"although for the 2009 season Ecopa will once again be used as a home venue for at least one game." dated statement/bad tense
"and would be worth 90 000 000 per year." 90 million what? USD, Yen, something else?
"Alongside off-field factors, S-Pulse and Júbilo are locked in a perpetual struggle for supremacy on the field." Statements like these aren't encyclopedia and shouldn't be in here; see below. The rivalries section in general leans towards this.
There are some spots, as I noted above, where the referencing is a bit light. It's not a deal-breaker, but when combined with the more serious point below, it makes it a greater issue.
The article in general has somewhat of a journalistic tone, like it's a fan doing his best to cover his own team and almost showcasing it objectively. I noted several examples in the first batch but this is one of those situations where an outside copyeditor would be able to fix a lot of it.
This actually isn't an exclusive list of issues I found, this was just a quasi-skim. I hate to do this because I know you've waited a long time for a review, but this would need a rewrite and subsequent copyedit throughout to get even near GA status. As a result I have to fail this. Should everything above be addressed and this renominated after looks from outside users, this may be close to a GA at that time.Wizardman01:53, 7 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
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b(MoS):
b(citations toreliable sources):
b(focused):
Done
